We may never know exactly what happened between Chris Brown and Rihanna. Brown pled guilty to felony assault and received probation. Part of the deal involves keeping the details of whatever transpired between the former couple a secret. Somebody hit somebody that night, and one of the two people is a guy. I’m not saying I know what happened, but, well. You know what I mean. Anyway, I guess it’s over for now. Also part of the deal is that Brown is not allowed to have any contact with Rihanna (no email, no texting) and must stay 50 feet away from her.

Speaking of over, Jon and Kate Gosselin’s marriage is kaputsky. Put a fork in it. It’s over, Johnny. (Video clip below, in case you don’t get that reference.)

Anyone wonder who’s watching the Gosselin children while they do press conferences and look for apartments in Trump Tower? They were so desperate to have tons of kids. I guess raising them cuts into their “me” time. (Zing!)

Something else that’s over is Kodachrome film. The stuff doesn’t sell anymore so Kodak decided to pull the plug. If you want those those nice bright colors or the greens of summers, you’ll have to go elsewhere. (Another video is below in case you don’t get THAT reference.)

Apropos of nothing, Paul Simon’s “Kodachrome” is one of the songs I used to sing to my oldest song when I put him to bed. No idea why, but it worked.

Back to dopey celebrity news for a moment: Hugh Jackman is not dating Miley Cyrus. But he may appear in a movie of hers. That’s bad, but him dating her would be much, much worse. Because, you know, she’s 16 years old. It’s unclear why a celebrity news site felt the need to point out that Miley and Hugh’s dinner “wasn’t romantic.” But they did. Ew. Gross.

Back to news that actually matters. There was a 5.4 magnitude earthquake near Anchorage, Alaska yesterday. A spokesperson for the local fire department said is “was a good one.” That’s so not what I would have said.

French President Nicolas Sarkozy has decided that “the Islamic burqa is not welcome in France” because it is “a symbol of subservience that suppresses women’s identities.” OK, but isn’t that a religious freedom issue? No, says Sarkozy. “The burqa is not a religious sign, it’s a sign of subservience, a sign of debasement — I want to say it solemnly.” (I like how he says he “wants to say it solemnly.” Does that mean he couldn’t say it without laughing? I know that’s not what it means. Maybe something was lost in the translation.)

Someone needs to tell Apple that they have a popular phone. This iPhone thing. Perhaps you’ve heard of it? Apparently the company wasn’t prepared for all the people who wanted to sign up, so they had to offer $30 iTunes gift certificates to people who had difficult activating their shiny new toys.

And now a really sad story. The Iranian woman who was shown being beaten in a widely circulated amateur video is being denied a public funeral, according to AOL News. Her name, according to multiple reports, was Neda Agha-Soltan. Very very sad.

Image: Chris Brown Fan Club

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