Hey Queers, Come Hold Hands By My Kid
There’s been a lively debate going on over at my post about a judge who ruled that a man’s children couldn’t be “exposed” to his gay friends. And one of the biggies is the assertion by several Babble readers that they wouldn’t allow someone (gay or straight) to hold hands in front of their kids.
So I’m wondering, Babble readers, where do you draw the line?
In our house, holding hands is kosher - and that includes from my gay friends, who sit on my couch thigh-to-thigh, my daughter spread across their laps playing with Barbie while they hold hands. My husband and I are also known to kiss each other on the lips in front of her, her straight grandparents to playfully slap one another on the butt (yes, I avert my eyes . . . they are, after all, my parents!).
But I’m particularly proud of my gay friends for being comfortable enough in my home to hold hands and once in awhile lean in for a peck on the lips. I’ve even confessed to my friend that while I don’t want him to think I’m USING him to set an example for my daughter, I’m glad that example is there all the same.
It’s something I want her to be used to. After all, in 2007, there were one thousand four hundred sixty hate crime offenses based on sexual-orientation bias were reported by law enforcement agencies (I make that distinction because this is a problem that’s largely un- or under-reported, not least because only 31 states and Washington, DC actually cover sexual orientation in their legislation). Of those (according to an About.com round-up):
- 59.2 percent were classified as anti-male homosexual bias.
- 24.8 percent were reported as anti-homosexual bias.
- 12.6 percent were prompted by an anti-female homosexual bias.
My gay friends, by and large, don’t touch each other in public for this very reason. They don’t feel less affection for one another. But they’re afraid of the violence that a simple pinkie finger linked with another’s will bring upon them. Says one, he’d prefer a “bloodless coup,” teaching other people that he is a person first, without having to “throw his gay in their face.” He respects people’s discomfort. He is, in essence, the bigger person.
But even at the local equivalent of the Gay Pride Parade, where the bulk of the crowd is out loud and queer, the touching is much less inappropriate than the “no gay PDA in front of my kids” camp would have you believe.
I wouldn’t want to see anyone, gay or straight, having sex in front of my kid. And I haven’t met a gay person yet who WANTS to. Even the hand holding and the lip locking is the kind you see from straight couples in public . . . the kind that I largely regard as evidence for my daughter that there’s love in the world.
So I’m not ready to shut the PDA factory down. I prefer for her to see people showing affection, and that includes gays.
But what’s crossing the line in your household . . . be it from straight friends or gay ones? Is it all out sex or teenage-style groping? Or are you in the “no touching . . . ever” camp?
Image: Sager Scenes
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Tags: affection, homophob, homosexual, homosexuality, Jeanne Sager, pda, public displays of affection, sex, sexuality
17 Comments
[...] Hey Queers, Come Hold Hands in Front of My Kid [...]
Do You Have Family Pride? | Strollerderby commented on Jun 23 09 at 10:38 pmMarj commented on Jun 23 09 at 12:54 pmI’ll second that emotion. Hold hands near my kids too. I want them to see it is normal for people to love one another and show casual affection. They will be exposed to so much violence in movies, television & song - it’s nice for them to see love (love, not PR0N) sometimes.
Shannon LC Cate commented on Jun 23 09 at 1:06 pmThe only person I ever met who was truly in the no touching ever camp was my ex-husband’s grandmother. We visited her while engaged and his mom reminded us, before we got out of the car that gramma would not tolerate premarital touching–including holding hands–in her house. We thought it was charming and kinda fun to sneak pecks on the sly.
I think straights who are claiming they have an equal policy towards gay and straight PDA are kidding themselves. I actually believe they think they have this policy, but if you look around, you’ll see an awful lot of straight PDAs going on all the time–from teenagers liplocked on the swings at the kiddie park (I gave them a dirty look and they fled) to my empty-nest parents, holding hands at a bookfair where we met them with our kids (a lovely display of a successful 40+ year marriage).
If you wanted to keep your kids from being exposed to heterosexual PDA, you’d have to lock them in a closet, frankly. Maybe the one you want to gay people to hang out in.
Shannon LC Cate commented on Jun 23 09 at 1:08 pmP.S. Remember too, your kids could grow up to be gay. It is a good idea to give them a sense that you won’t hate them forever if that is the case. Being hospitable to gay couples in your home is a great way to send that message.
PlumbLucky commented on Jun 23 09 at 1:25 pmShannon - I agree that I’d have to lock my kiddo in a closet for him to not see any sort of straight PDA. However, my house, my rules…and the rules are the same regardless of orientation. Even before kiddo, it was just common sense - no dry humping and no tonsil hockey for crissakes.
I do not wish my BIL nor my aunt to hide in any closet, by the way
They, and their respective partners, are welcome in my house, anytime!
GP commented on Jun 23 09 at 1:58 pmHold hands, hug, kiss…show love. Kids need to see more love.
Maria commented on Jun 23 09 at 2:14 pmI think showing affection is great. When our 16 year old foster daughter moved in with us we were worried about where to draw the line with PDA’s as she is definitely old enough to be bothered by us being touchy. BUt we quickly decided that she should know that we love each other and that kissing your spouse or a playful butt tap amongst partners are all part and parcel of a healthy marriage. We think that it’s beneficial for her to see two healthy parents modeling a healthy love for one another.
km commented on Jun 23 09 at 3:21 pmI don’t want to see saliva or see any clothes come off, whether you’re straight, gay, young, old or whatever. Other than that, kiss, hold hands, sit on laps, doesn’t bother me.
Mistress_Scorpio commented on Jun 23 09 at 3:23 pmIn my experience, the people who complain the loudest about PDA (gay or straight) are ones receiving little in the way of affection in their lives.
TolaniLucia commented on Jun 23 09 at 4:36 pmI’m with Mistress_Scorpio.
Treespeed commented on Jun 23 09 at 5:16 pmIt seems like the folks that get the most worked up about what homosexuals are doing, especially anything remotely sexual, are working with some seriously repressed homosexual impulses of their own, otherwise, why would they care SO much.
The lady doth protest too much, methinks.
Twyla commented on Jun 23 09 at 5:22 pmI like my kids to see affection. My husband and I are very affectionate with each other. If we have visitors I like them to be respectful with their touching. No groping in my house. We don’t do it in front of company or in public and would appreciate not having to watch it either.
As far as gay versus straight affection- we live in a VERY conservative area. There is a nearby town that has many different types of people (including nudists) that we don’t go to very often especially for holidays. My kids have not seen gay couples showing affection. My kids figure out who is gay eventually but not because they are showing affection. My husband’s aunt and partner are very respectful. My husband and I also don’t touch when we are with his family. It is just unnecessary, I suppose.
Buffy commented on Jun 23 09 at 7:22 pmSame-sex couples should be free to show the same level of PDA as opposite-sex couples (both within reasonable parameters of course). The notion that gay/lesbian couples need to keep it “in the closet” is preposterous. We’re not in the Dark Ages despite the constant attempts of some to keep us there.
Brett Singer commented on Jun 23 09 at 8:18 pmWhen did holding hands become sexual behavior? I know what you mean, of course, but little kids hold hands all the time. And hug. There’s a big difference between hand holding and kissing, and even a difference between a sloppy lip lock and a peck. Living in New York, we see things, although no nudists (referring to Twyla’s comment), although now that I think about it, I don’t recall seeing very many gay couples “showing affection” for each other while walking around with my kids. I don’t think I would mention it to them if I did, because even if I noticed something, the kids probably wouldn’t.
elohveeee1012 commented on Jun 23 09 at 8:46 pmI think the teenage groping and dry humping would be my cut off point. I have no problem with kissing, hand holding, hugging, etc. As far as the gay straight thing, I wish I had good friends who were gay. That way my daughter can experience both sides. I would welcome them to hold hands, kiss or hug if they were in my home. I am pretty equal oppertunity… if i do it, why wouldnt a gay person be allowed? I think it would be refreshing to see two men or women walking through a store holding hands like I do with my fiance. And a good example to everyones kids that there are different people in the world and that’s not just ok, it’s great.
Lori commented on Jun 23 09 at 11:20 pmThey can`t be exposed to his gay friends? Why are the gay friends contagious?
I think it is healthy for children to see two people that love each other treat each other with love and respect. Period.
Funny how many people are opposed to having their kids see two gay people hold hands, but have probably been letting those same children watch unmentioned reality TV starts treat each other like crud for years.
Ri-chan commented on Sep 16 09 at 10:01 pmI’m all for PDA, especially in my own house, where it’s perfectly acceptable to sit on one’s partner’s lap, or kiss deeply. Physical affection is a natural part of emotional love. And a playful grope now and then never hurt anybody -.o
