Do moms give up too much?

[...] Guest Blogger Karen Bridson (Hi Karen!) asked the age-old question “Do moms give up too much?” [...]

I am currently working part time from home and have been for the past two years, staying home with my two-year old daughter. I plan to do so until she is about five, then see about going back to a full-time job outside the home or ramping up my home business. I earn a little less than half my salary at the time I left. I would not trade my situation for any other (except perhaps winning the lotto or being independently wealthy). I don’t feel insecure because I know my husband and I are not getting divorced. He’d have to do something totally heinous for me to leave him (pedophile, rape, something like that) and I know he won’t leave me. BUT, if he did, I know I could make it work. Then, I probably would go back to work full time and put my little one in child care. The *chance* that something bad *might* happen later isn’t a reason to live your life in a way that is out of line with what your values are now. I deeply value staying home with my child before she is school age and would never put her in day care unless we truly were in serious financial trouble and I needed to work just to keep the house or put food on the table. My husband and I saved for a few years to prepare for me not to work at all for the first three years of our kid’s life, and we are having only one child. The fact that I managed the part-time consulting gig allows us to extend the period I am staying at home. I am not worried about retirement because I saw almost half of my 401K crash anyway, and I have no false hopes about retiring at a young age anyway. I *do* however put 10% of my earnings into an IRA. I’m smart and savvy and know that whatever life deals me, I will somehow pull through. But, you have to plan to the extent that you can, be wise, not frivolous, and live your values. I know the *risks* of ramping down career-wise for a few years, but I’d argue that this was not even on people’s radar screen thirty or forty years ago, like when our mom was raising us.

I don’t expect anything from “the courts…[or] society in general” in the way of “offsetting” my personal choices. Yes, there should be compassion and safety nets for those unfortunate women who marry assholes that leave them broke with kids, but this is not the norm and we need to do more to support families as a whole. When did it become necessary for both adult partners in a family to work full time just to manage an average, middle-class life? That’s what we should be wondering and be mad about. In his book, Crunched, Jared Bernstein talks about how this happened. I don’t know the “solution” but me being scared into working full time and dumping my young child off in daycare 10-12 hours a day is not the answer.

Wow, GP, I totally agree with you. The truth is, I will probably be sort of screwed if my husband were to leave me or to die or become severly disabled. (Well, within reason. I have an M.A. from a top-notch school and my husband is convinced that I could earn more than he is right now if I were to try to find a job. But that’s beside my point right now.) I don’t work AT ALL right now, and haven’t since getting my degree. We have 2 kids, with one on the way. To us, it is far, far more important that one of us, in this case, me, raise our children ourselves. We want our own values, not anyone else’s, instilled in our kids on a daily basis. To this end, we rent, we don’t own a car, we have no credit card debt: we live as simply as we can without actually being deprived. I’ve thought before that, “Yup, I’ll be in trouble if anything happens to my husband.” But the truth is that probably nothing will happen to him, and if, God forbid, it does, our family would be able to help me while I transition to single motherhood (also, that’s why we pay for life insurance!). Like GP said above, I’m not going to live my life in fear of what *might* happen, and I think that it’s only the government’s job to a certain extent to provide a safety net (health insurance is my “big issue”) when misfortune happens. I guess I’m “mad” about the same things GP is, though I’d probably just say that I’m more resigned to the fact that most people have different values than my family apparently does. I guess the thing that I’m most “mad” about is in GP’s question: “When did it become necessary for both adult partners in a family to work full time just to manage an average, middle-class life?” This, to me, is really aggravating. I guess maybe I am “mad” at other moms (and dads!) for setting the standard of “average” so ridiculously high these days.

By the way, I’m also currently a SAHM, and I do worry about how I would be able to support my children if something were to happen to my husband. I know I would probably be able to make it work with the support of friends and family, and the worry hasn’t changed my mind about staying home, but it is a real fear, and not something that should be so lightly dismissed.

I am happy to read some comments that don’t make me feel like a throwback or outsider! Where are you moms located?

I guess I am beginning to think that feminism played a role in ruining things for families, actually, by de-valuing those things that are more intrinsically female and forcing women to be more like men in the name of equality, instead of fighting for recognition of the importance of women’s “natural” contributions to society. We can’t do it all and do it right. And I cannot support government programs that would have babies and young children in daycare when I really believe they need to be with a parent at this age. I could support economic policies that would make it easier for families to get by on one adult salary…and encourage people to do this.

What I meant was “I think it’s fine if both parents work,…” My comma mistake makes it seem unclear.

GP, I wouldn’t socialize with you if I lived your neighborhood.

I don’t make friends with women who insult other women. Certainly I wouldn’t want you anywhere near my child. Maybe other SAHMs in your neighborhood feel the same way.

ann05, I see your point about the judging, but aren’t you doing that too? Your post is mean to parents who do raise kids full time. When I go back to work, I will be teaching young children. That’s very similar to what I’m doing now, but you must not have much respect for either people like me or the preschool teachers that share your values, because what we do is not advanced enough in your view. Different things work for different people, why can’t we ever leave it at that?

I think it should be ok for women to admit they LIKE their jobs and are eager to go back to them. For some women that will be true. Other women have different reasons for working. I think many here are putting themselves up on pedestals of frugality and sacrifice. Most working mothers I know are driving around in older cars and have modest homes. (Several have no car.) The more successful ones have more luxurious lifestyles. But that is true also with the SAHMs I know whose partners earn more. Their cars are nicer and their homes are larger etc… And yes, I think this posting makes a good point. In this economy it can be a scary thing to be a one income household.

I don’t see why one woman staying home means another is not doing a good job of being a mother by going back to work. They aren’t mutually exclusive since people vary in talents and personality.

GP, I don’t know if I’m fat or boring. I guess everyone worries they are. But I would never complain about my partner with the neighbors. Actually, I think my relationship is pretty great and I don’t see the point in complaining. Most of the time, when I’m frustrated by my partner, I speak up.

And while I can understand that people wouldn’t want a boring friend, what does my weight have to do with anything? I don’t need my friends to meet any pre-set standards. It’s the totality of who they are that matters.

I think all my friends are beautiful even if they might not be gracing the covers of Cookie or Vogue any time soon.

apologies for the fat remark…it’s clear I find these exchanges highly frustrating, so best I just keep away…

Manjari, I didn’t see where ann05 was in any way denigrating what SAHMs do. Can you please explain a little more where your feeling on that comes from? I am curious, not snarking at you.

Ann05 basically stated my position exactly regarding working instead of staying home with my kids. I’m the breadwinner since my husband was laid off, so it’s no longer an option for me, but it used to be, and I prefer to work. I love my job, and while I also love my kids, I need that professional part of me to feel like a complete person. I worked very hard to be the professional I am, and it’s a huge part of my identity that I don’t want to sacrifice. I realize that some may interpret this as selfish of me; I’ve been called that before. But I know of myself (by the virtue of my extended maternity leave, which I am on right now) that I am a better mom, a more patient and kind and inventive mom, when I can go to work every day. But I DO NOT look down on SAHMs!! I have never and will never ask “what do you do all day?” because I know! Taking care of my kids full time would drive me batty, and I have nothing but the greatest respect for those who can, for those who love it and are good at it. I am not, so my hat’s off to you! Does that mean I shouldn’t have had children? That’s been said to me before as well. But my partner is an AWESOME SAHD, much to both of our surprise. He’s great with the kids and genuinely adores being with them all the time. Should we still not have had children, even though I can be fulfilled as a working mom and he can be fulfilled as a SAHD?

GP, I appreciate your commentary, and find it thought-provoking. I appreciate that you say you don’t expect any offset - but I’m curious, would you object to it if there were one? I am one of those women who does like to work full-time, in the interests of full disclosure - but I believe that our society does undervalue raising children and parenting. Whether one is a parent or is childfree (like my sister), we are all invested in raising an educated, compassionate, responsible next generation (or a few generations, actually). So women who choose to have families, and those who choose - or are pushed - to stay home and parent should not be penalized by the workplace, by our outdated healthcare system. They should be supported in a venture that our society depends on. So I say, yes, parents should get help from all of us - those who are parents and who are not - because raising children well is the single most imporatant thing we can do for the future of our country and our world.

GP: I also appreciate your commentary, and I am a little saddened that your sarcasm seems to be lost on others - lol! I actually agree with you about the backlash (in a sense) that feminism has created. Although I believe that the feminist movement has been invaluable in advancing women’s rights, and will continue to be so, it does seem as though it has created a bit of a reverse effect when it comes to women who choose a more “traditional” role. Tremendous progress has been made for women in the workplace, but little has been done to support and nurture women who choose to stay home with their children (i.e., no easy access to affordable healthcare, family leave is still much too short and unpaid in most states, SAHM’s contributions to society still largely ignored, etc.). Although lip-service is paid in the form of moral support, real, legislative progress is slow to the point of being almost non-existent. I find that sad and frustrating. Although there will always be women who find their work life rewarding, there will also be those who would find it more fulfilling to stay home with their kids…if only they could afford to in a society where two incomes are almost always needed just to maintain a basic standard of living. ALL moms should be supported, whatever their choices may be on how to balance work and home.

I’m so sick of women and their whining! You got pregnant; you deal with your kids and the problems that come with them. WE ARE SICK TO DEATH of hearing how hard your lives are. We DO NOT want to pay for your kids’ healthcare or anything else – those of use without kids DON’T GIVE A DAMN about the next generation. Oh and another thing: I’m a woman. I’m slim, attractive, and make lots of money in my career and I HATE KIDS. Oh, and I do vacation all over the world, get the best clothes, and look amazing. You made your mommy choice – so SUCK IT UP and SHUT UP.