Why Are People Such Jerks to Children?
There’s a worth-reading post over at Hipmama.com under the headline “Kids Are People” that makes some great points about the incredible double standard so many people apply to what’s considered “respect” when interacting with children versus with adults, not to mention how willing we are to offer our decidedly uninformed opinions (good, bad, and random) about kids based on one tiny interaction.
The author recounts the story of one walk in which her son is called “shy” for not high-fiving a stranger on command, a “mean little boy” for saying “No” to the woman who said “You should come home with me,” and a “a nice little boy” for merely returning a hello. She also compares people’s ready judgments of one young girl’s behavior in a Barnes and Noble for a few hours with the behaviors of the other adults there (not so different).
I’ve wrestled with similar issues, trying to figure out how I’m supposed to teach my daughter to respect others’ boundaries and believe that hers will be respected when most of the world seems to think she actually doesn’t have a right to set any—especially when they, say, are trying to get a hug from her or wanting her to pose for a picture.
“People don’t get mad at me every time i say no. They don’t touch me without asking much. They don’t touch my head and face without asking or being close friends. They don’t tell me who and how I am upon meeting me once,” writes the Hip Mama blogger.
I don’t go the extreme of the writer of concluding that children are the equals of adults or that explanations will always work and behaviorist techniques are always bad (though I expect I’m closer to her position than many).
But I’m right there with her in being aggravated by this kind of behavior. The thing is, you don’t have to believe children are your developmental equals to believe that they are actual real people. They are people with some as yet limited capacities (though more than we often give them credit for), but still people, worthy of being treated with a little dignity.
Why is that so freaking hard?
Photo CC by qwrrty via Flickr.
More by this author:
- Leaked Minutes: BPA Makers Fight Back
- Would You Make Your Green Toddler Skip the Prezzies?
- Texas Takes a Neutral Look at “Cosleeping” Deaths
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Tags: autonomy, Axel-Lute, Hip Mama, kids are people, kids' rights, respecting children, setting boundaries
22 Comments
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Joking About Shaken Babies: Too Much? | Strollerderby commented on Jun 24 09 at 11:00 amCourtney commented on Jun 09 09 at 4:37 pmIt drives me crazy when random strangers manhandle my little boy. It’s funny, it starts as soon as you are pregnant…people feel like they have absolute free reign over pregnant ladies and small children.
SteelRigged commented on Jun 09 09 at 4:44 pmBut, but don’t you OWN your children?
Knitty commented on Jun 09 09 at 6:28 pmThis reminds me of an article on MSNBC last week about kids and first-class seating on airplanes. I was amazed by how many people wanted to discriminate against people based on age, and how proud they were to announce that to the world.
TolaniLucia commented on Jun 09 09 at 9:29 pmNo, you do not OWN your children SteelRigged. They are a part of you and you a part of them. You nourish, re-direct, love, guide, protect, respect, care for etc. None of this is ownership. When it is done well , it is love.
MomofBeans commented on Jun 10 09 at 8:22 amI totally agree. The other night, while dining out at a restaurant, a woman (a complete stranger) came behind my toddler, grabbed her face, and kissed her right on the mouth. How is that appropriate??
ann05 commented on Jun 10 09 at 10:07 amTolaniLucia, you might want to check your sarcasm meter. It seems to be on the fritz.
Manjari commented on Jun 10 09 at 12:06 pmMomofBeans, that’s awful! I would have been so upset.
maeby commented on Jun 10 09 at 1:44 pmits a power thing. people love having power over other people. children are easy targets. its not like they can do anything, right? i guess its makes those jerks feel big or something.
mirthful commented on Jun 15 09 at 7:51 pmwho are these people that grab children and kiss them? i dont have kids and would never do that. touching a pregnant woman is taboo. maybe this is stuff only my mother taught me not to do?
I do reprimand a kid though. such as running out in the street, running into me, screaming. I also wonder where the parents are or if they are just too exhausted to care. i guess its a no no to do this but im from the south. everyone helped everyone else out with their kids where i am from. you couldnt get a way with anything as a kid! its how my mother had eyes in the back of her head I suppose.and i never talk to a kid in a baby voice. I would smack myself. we do it sarcastically in my family.
Miriam Axel-Lute commented on Jun 17 09 at 2:38 pmmirthful: I don’t have a problem with adults who step in when a kid is doing something dangerous. I don’t think that’s the same thing as disrespect at all.
raindan commented on Jun 20 09 at 12:06 amI agree it’s a huge double standard in our culture…I know from experience parenting a child who has a larger personal space zone than most people and absolutely hates being touched by strangers–especially hair tossles or hugs–that people try to take this liberty with kids bodies all the time… MomofBeans, I would have had a hard keeping myself from slapping that woman. If that sounds extreme, think about if she did the same to an adult? She shouldn’t be surprised to expect that kind of reaction to kissing a random adult on the mouth without permission… How did you handle it?
babblereader commented on Jun 29 09 at 10:05 amThe other thing that I don’t understand is people who think its funny to try and trick my 3 year old son. He doesn’t understand that they are joking. For instance, they tell him that they think he is 10, not 3 - it is weird - and he just looks at them like they are crazy. And then they think he is rude. Or, another example is that my son can pronounce our home state, Massachusetts and my MIL likes to pronounce it Massachusewitz as a joke to see if he will start saying it that way. I guess I just don’t get that humor and then I have to explain to him that people are just joking and then we both look rude. Maybe they think they have to “dumb it down” when talking to him? I don’t know.
eringremlin commented on Aug 21 09 at 9:18 amI wouldn’t have had to hit that baby-kisser myself, my son would have. He’s only 11 months, and already has clear personal boundaries with strangers. And she would have been bopped. Its a hard line to walk sometimes- I don’t want him to hit, but I don’t want him to feel helpless in a situation where he’s extremely uncomfortable. At his age, he doesn’t have many resources, and a quick left hook has the effect he’s looking for every single time. They back right up.
Beth commented on Aug 28 09 at 10:31 amThis actually makes me feel better! I always worried I was too cold around children because I didn’t attempt to hug or touch them, or talk to them in any way other than I would with anyone else (using simpler words/ideas, of course). I just thought I wouldn’t want someone getting up in my face before we had a chance to get to know each other. Now that I’m 7 months pregnant, this makes me a little less worried about my instincts with children!
