Over at MedPie, Barbara Locke, MD has a list of five very sensible dangers to look out for this summer. She even offers a cutesy rhyme to help you remember–

Don’t mow the lawn ’till you’re sixteen, Be careful not to trampoline, Avoid the family dog and such, And don’t fall out of windows much.

–since I’m always forgetting to keep my kids from falling out of windows.

But let’s be honest. These aren’t the real summer health hazards. You know the ones I mean, the dangers that keep you awake at night, long after your kids have passed out on their beds, sticky with sweat and ice pops.

Here are the real horrors of summer:

Sunburn Syndrome: The horrible guilt you feel when you forget to drench your child in sunscreen and s/he comes home from camp an unsightly shade of pink, which only darkens through the dinner hour until your child is writhing in pain and the only thing that will comfort him/her is four hours of unsupervised television. Exacerbated by the “caring” camp counselor who calls after dinner to remind you to apply sunscreen in the morning since it isn’t her (goddamn) job.

Camplessness: Those hidden weeks between school and camp and then between camp and school when your child simply has nothing to do, because camp directors and school directors can’t seem to get their act together to make sure the kids are occupied every single week because, really, what are we supposed to do with them all day?

Viking Phobia: The fear that if you turn on the oven your brain might actually melt, so you let all your “good food” rules slip by the wayside while your kids frolic in the fridge and eat cold hot dogs, ice cream, and Uncrustables for dinner every night.

Polar Disorder: Feeling so hot and drained in your home that you drag your kids anywhere there’s air conditioning–movie theaters, shopping malls, doctor’s offices (they could be sick, right?)…

Bedtime Dysfunction: The inability to resist your kids’ whines of, “We can’t go to bed, it’s still light outside!” Side effects include falling asleep while waiting for the sun to set, leaving the kids to wreak havoc until they pass out near midnight. This invariably results in having to wake them minutes before the camp bus arrives, leaving no time to put on sunscreen before they go…

Got any hidden summer dangers of your own? Leave them in the comments below!

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