I love this line: I can no more choose his religion than I can his sexuality.

Very thoughtful! I like the path that you have chosen for your children.

Exact same boat, right down to the ‘raised in the church and no longer go’ part. I’ve gotten this question before (or one like it anyway) and I always tend to turn it back on them and say, “What do you think?” or “What do you think God is?” It doesn’t make it any less complex, but I’m like you in that this isn’t an area where I want to lead.

Yup, this: “I can no more choose his religion than I can his sexuality.”

I can just hope they don’t go down the evangelical path, because I can’t stand to listen to prosthelytizing.

i come from a catholic background so i am expected to baptize my daughter. she is 8 months old and i always am questioned about whether or not im going to baptize her and my answer will always be no. i want HER to choose her beliefs on her own and not beleive something JUST because it’s all she knows and what we tell her is right. i think if she chooses to be baptized when she’s older it would mean the world to her…but being only 8 months old, she won’t have a clue.

“I can no more choose his religion than I can his sexuality.” Wonderful.
This whole piece was wonderful; even being on the opposite side of the scale here, I admire your obviously well-thought out decision. :)

I went that route with my stepson. We never talked to him about religion really. But when he was 4 he was obsessed with death, what happens when you die, where do you go, how will I see anything in heaven if I am in my box (coffin)? So, being raised catholic, I have decided to teach my son, who is only 11 months old right now, so I have time, about God. I thought back to when I was little and how boring going to church was and how now I would never step foot in a catholic church with my boys, but how I always had a sense of peace when the thought of death popped in my head. I don’t think it is bad not teaching children about God, I just think they may feel a little more secure about what happens after death. I may not go to church with him, but I do want to teach him about heaven and hell. Maybe that is something people are missing when it comes to all the messed up stuff in the world. Who knows. I just know that parenting is a learning experience and in my case, I learned from the first one to do different with the second one.

I am pleased to see that there are people out there that choose not to shove religion down their kids throats, but instead guide them into forming their own opinion and to support them. I choose to be open with my son about my beliefs. I am not religious, even growing up when my family would go to church I found myself questioning everything they were talking about or teaching. My husband doesn’t necessarily believe in God, but he believes there is something bigger than anyone could ever understand. We have simply told our son that everyone has there own belief, and there are many many different religions, and each religion has their own God. We have also told him that it is something he will decide for himself as he gets older, and encouraged him to have an open mind and don’t just believe in the first thing someone throws at you, but look into it.

Wow! Great subject and very intelligent comments. I’m a new Grammy. I am spiritual and Christian and currently practice the religion I was born to. I love my faith and my life has been blessed in many ways. Although it is not my place to inflict my beliefs on my grandchild and I will never do so, I will not pretend that I do not love my God and believe that my belief in Him has not enhanced my life. I think it’s great to allow your child to choose his/her own way. Might as well, they will anyway. But I do not think that allowing them to see your path to happiness is wrong either. How in the world will they choose if they are not exposed to a variety of paths. My own child has explored many taos and is also quite spiritual, but not especially religious. She does, however, respect my choice as I do hers. The world has many beauties. Let your child find his/her own path, but don’t be afraid to show them the way.

I also feel, that no matter if you believe in God or not every parent should have a talk with their children about “religion” and what it means to their family. Children are longing for direction in life. As young children they may be OK with a few second brush off answer but, as tweens and teenagers they really long for direction and religion is a big question mark for older kids. If a kids is not aware of the believe system practiced in their home they could get very confused as older kids and look for answers in unhealthy ways. I am still saying let your kids have “freedom”(for those parents who believe that having a sold religion and belief system is stifling their children) but it will let your kids know what kind of foundation they come from at home and let them make a wiser choice when it comes to choosing for themselves. It’s like having “the sex talk.” You may not want you children having sex, but at least it gives them the knowledge to make a wise choice if they need to. Since I have a strong belief in God already the talk about religion is simple for me. But for many the talk is sewed by ones personal feelings of different religions in the world. If I were going to have a talk of “religion” with my kids I would unbiasedly show them the different major “religions” in the world and explain them to the best of my ability. This way my children have an unbiased view so they can make up their won minds. This is if I didn’t already have a strong faith in the Lord. It’s our job as parents to raise wise children who can make wise choices for themselves. For me there are several different topics I plan on having meaningful conversations with my kids about. I am not going to wait until the questions come up and I don’t know what to say.(unless they ask me sooner, and then I will research and get back to them with a well informed answer).

Award winning article, award winning parenting, you are an awesome parent , wish more people had care and consideration like you do.

Wow! This post and all the comments give me hope. I too am not religious (my wife is) and we both answer questions as they come, but do not actively push our beliefs (or lack of) onto our kids. Religion IS personal and they will search it or question it as they get old enough to understand all the complexities or history, tradition, doctrine, etc.

Thanks for posting this and for all the comments, too. It’s a hot topic and I always feel people expose themselves to a lot of criticism for writing about it. I’ll be coming back to read more often.

“I can no more choose his religion than I can his sexuality.”

Simply love it! I’m sure there have or will be posts with attempts to force you to force someone else’s beliefs onto your child… from ppl who think you are just the worst type of person in the world for not dropping to your knees every time the G word is mentioned. I am with you 100% I don’t want my child a part of any cult that will blindly believe anything just cause it’s written in a book. A book that was an interpretation of a man, written by men, for men, about a man… And it is commonly known that people such as King James had the bible rewritten as there were things he didn’t agree with! No, thanks! I will let my daughter, and any other children we have, make their own educated choice, just like I did, just like my husband did!
~P~

My mother did not force religion on me but she did baptize me and introduce me to the church. I learned the prayers and I’m able to keep up at mass and funerals with very few hiccups. As I grew older she allowed me to explore other faiths and I was able to share with her what I learned and I took what i liked from other faiths and kept it with me. In the end I went back to my original faith. Introducing me to spiritual faith has turned out to be one of the most important things she has done for me. In a way it helped with structure and discipline and as a grew older I developed a strong faith with out fear. I see a lot of youth in society lost and wasted, confused and angry. if i ask about their faith, they have none. What would I have become if I had not been introduced to religion and developed faith. Many times I am faced with hurtful scary situation or I am tried and tested and I think that If i would have not been able to hear the voice in my head saying ” You are a woman of God’ I would have failed at many tasks including simply being brave. My babies father lost his faith and religion. His family did not pass it on. Not only did I find this sad because he is Native American and I think they have a wonderful spiritual bond with their creator and the earth but I feel he has a weak spirit. The man is a genius with technology and science and he can stump anyone with facts but he does not know anything about his inner light/spirit/faith. I told him once that I could not measure how much God loved me, but if it is anywhere near to how much I love our daughter then I truly have nothing to fear. He did not understand that. He is a troubled man, haunted by many monsters he has not been able to beat. he has been driven to alcoholism, drug abuse and has abused other people particularly females. but not in my house. there is faith in my home. I have a strong spirit and God lives here and even though its late in his life and it seems more difficult, for now he finds comfort in my faith. he might not understand it but its helped pulled him away from self destructing. Will my daughter be baptized and introduced to religion? Yes. Do I fear the faithless world being created that she is coming into? Absolutely, but I’m a woman of God with a strong spirit that pushes me through and I have to try and do something to make sure she has that same strength. <3

I do believe in God and Jesus Christ. I believe He has sent us here to learn and grow. This article talks about God’s nature and explains that we are all a part of His plan:

http://lds.org/general-conference/2003/10/the-grandeur-of-god?lang=eng

It’s one of my favorites! I hope you enjoy it. :)

I think you are doing exactly the right thing. Let him decide for himself what he believes and doesn’t believe. Children often mindlessly follow their parents and end up unhappy because they didn’t have the opportunity to decide for themselves. Not everyone is going to support your decisions, but you will find some that do. I for one, do.

I am a single Mom and my daughter and I attend an Unitarian Universalist Church. She takes part in the Religious Ed. program that basically gives her principles of following healthy values, which allow her to make her own choices in the end. She is taught to walk carefully on the earth and which ever God, it is about love and good values. We are all one.

I think you should be able to answer this question with your own perspective and honesty. Maybe the reason you couldn’t give a definitive answer is because you are still unsure of what your beliefs are. If that is the case, then you could simply just tell you’re son, “I don’t know if I believe that” or ask him “what do you think? and why do you think that?”. I think it’s better to have a discussion and let him know that sometimes there may not be a definitive answer to every question rather than letting him continue to ponder and perhaps get answers from someone else who may not be as truthful. It’s Ok to not have all the answers but I think it’s a great time to open up a discussion and hear what he thinks.

I completely understand the basis of your reaction, but I have to disagree with your decision to simply step out of the discussion. You made a lovely statement when you wrote, “I can no more choose his religion than I can his sexuality,” a sentiment that I could not possibly agree with more. However, in permitting him the freedom to be whatever sexuality he inherently is, you will still teach him about sex. You will teach him about the way his body works and how to interpret the strange sensations of puberty. You will prepare him for his first sexual impulses, teach him how to be respectful of other people’s bodies and sexualities, and help him learn to care for his body in a healthy manner. Through this process, he will always know he can come to you to talk about what he’s feeling and what is happening in his life. This is what you need to do with respect to his spirituality as well. Open the dialogue. When he asks, “Did God put people on this earth?” you say, “Well, a lot of people in this world think so.” When he then asks, “Do you think so?” you need to answer honestly, whatever you believe. Share with him. Do not be afraid to participate in this part of his growth and devlopment in just the same way you will his sexual and intellectual development. Not to do so is simply denial, just the same way some people find sexuality uncomfortable and so simply avoid the issue until someone else steps in and does it for you.

Your child is asking these questions because as a child he has the faith to believe. But as you get older it gets harder for people to have faith. This faith can be a wonderful thing, it is has been the rock that has kept me through all of my struggles in life. I was raised in a Christian home and went to church and got the foundation as a young child. Although I do not regularly attend church today, for many reasons I still have rock solid faith. It is not always about religion, but your own belief in God. But don’t keep these answers to your child’s questions a mystery to him. Because by doing that you are in fact controling his beliefs. But keeping him from knowing the sides of God’s Glory. It is said that when God sent his son to his people so many did not believe. Jesus is the way to God.

We don’t go to church either. I attended a seminar at Harvard by Dale McGowan which covered his book, “Parenting Beyond Belief”. It’s great. I highly recommend it. If you don’t talk to your kids about deities, someone else will, and it will likely be the proselytizing know-it-all who not only talks to god, but hears replies back. This kind of person doesn’t even understand what their conscience is. Just think of the most religious person in your family. Do they have a firm handle on things? By the way, we’re all born not believing in dieties until someone imposes that idea upon us. I won’t be responsible for teaching them false hope, to rely on something that isn’t there, and not know how to find the strength within themselves to deal with the trials of life. I will teach them critical thinking skills, history of religion, and science. If they want to believe in deities after that, that’s their business.

You may not be able to choose your child’s religion or the lack thereof but not exposing your child to religion is sad. If you don’t firmly believe in one true religion and therefore don’t want to teach incorrect principles to your child you should show your child the wide, varying religions. If your child is never exposed to religion then he can never choose. You don’t have to force anything, but I believe that it is good to show a variety of religions out there so that your child, when older, will be able to make an informed and educated decision on a religion or lack thereof that he wants to pursue. But without education of different religions your child can never make a truly good decision about his beliefs.

I think you are all forgetting that the bible is a book, written by man. If you choose to believe it that’s fine…but not all of us do, so when you quote things from it, it’s a pretty pointless argument. Just saying :)

As the daughter of a mom very much like the author, I feel compelled to comment. I was told a variety of vague (and usually true) answers about God, which served to make me a very curious but unsettled person. I went on to study world religions in college and eventually made the decision to raise my children in a (minority) religion. They, too, ask zillions of questions. They want to know about death and why bad things happen and who God is and where he lives and is he a girl and how he got all the animals on an ark and just about anything else you could think of. Instead of giving my own mother’s, “I don’t know,” I tell them a slightly modified version, along the lines of, “To me, God is the name for all the good things in the world and he is all around you keeping you safe. When you grow up, you’ll figure out what you think and I can help you if you want.” I don’t think it matters what your answer is as long as you instill a sense of security in the world. That’s what was missing for me with a blank, “I don’t know.”

I think this is one of those questions you can offer guidance by turning it back on him and ask him what he thinks. If he says I don’t know, you can say that you don’t know either! Existence is a tricky subject because none of us knows and I think that is a good lesson to teach our kids. We can expose them to the ideas people have about it without teaching them a “truth” that we do not in fact know to be a “truth”.

I think that a good way to handle questions like these is to basically just tell your kid “Some people believe x, some people believe y, some people believe z, and this is what Mommy and Daddy think. But at the end of the day, none of us actually KNOW. Not for sure. And if you need help figuring out what YOU believe, then Mommy and Daddy will be there to help you with that.”

That’s how I plan on approaching it with my children, anyway. I think it’s important to emphasize to kids that no matter how firmly held our beliefs (or disbelief), none of us actually truly KNOW the answers to those big questions, and to be wary of people to do claim to know for sure.

@Cristi: “Letting our children live for themselves and seeking to enjoy the world sounds honorable, but what happens to them when they die? We should all be asking this question. Can you live with being wrong?”

Can you? You DO realize that there is also a chance that your faith system does not have the right answers. If you think that people should believe, just to avoid possibly being wrong, then you’d actually have to simultaneously believe in the approximately 4,000 gods and 40,000 belief systems that have existed throughout history. For all you know, the ancient Mayans had the “right” faith system, and everybody else since then has just been barking up the wrong theological tree.

I have a lot of sympathy for you — I know what it’s like to have an unexpected question fired at you from the back seat of the car. You never know when these moments are going to happen. (I ended up explaining human procreation while driving from one end of town to the other on a routine errand, just because of the questions emanating from the booster seat in the back!)

One thing, though. In my experience it seems almost impossible to raise children in an absolute vacuum of information about a given topic. In this case, I am pretty sure that children (being absolute little radar sensors as well as sponges) can pick up on your fear and discomfort. It might be that you’re not yet comfortable with this, and if that’s the case, you can bet the little one is picking up on that as well as the content of what you say (or don’t say). A lot of people are still avoiding figuring out how they believe about things. When they’re asked by a peer, there’s a minimum of discomfort, but when you’re asked by your child, whoa, deer in the headlights moment! So when you say you’re not indoctrinating your child…. well, maybe not, but influencing him, absolutely — are you not teaching him that this is a very uncomfortable topic?

Then, too, if you avoid the subject entirely (or even if you don’t), you can be sure your child will get input from other people. At that age, you’re still the primary info source, and that doesn’t last forever, sad to say. :-)

Lastly, to those who are afraid that children who are raised in a religion are therefore unable to make their own choice about it later in life, don’t worry too much about that. Nearly every religious person I know is also a thoughtful person who has reassessed and reconsidered as they became adults. Actually I wish I could say the same about my agnostic or atheistic friends, most of whom repudiated religion when they were pre-teens and never came back to consider the question.