There are very few reality shows that make me feel dirty. Following each viewing of the Real Housewives of New Jersey, however, I want to shower for about two days straight — and I just might if I didn’t have two toddlers to tend to. Danielle Staub especially makes me want to scrub clean. In an effort to understand her better (I’m a glutton for punishment), I read her blog post today over at Bravo’s web site. I am going pick several excerpts and interpret what she’s saying to make it easier for everyone and save you from having to read it in its entirety. Her words in italics; my notes are bolded:

I’m going to make this blog simple for everyone to understand. (Because I am so stupid I assume everyone else is too.)

I’m not out to get anyone’s family – or anyone for that matter. And I certainly don’t want to take anyone down. (My lawyer told me that would be a good thing to put in writing.)

There comes a point where the “Real Housewives” all say and do things for entertainment value – where we recognize we are a cast on a television show, a show that has entertained millions of viewers at any given moment. (Every embarrassing thing I’ve done on camera is for YOUR entertainment.  See how selfless I am???)

We have all said and done things to help promote a television show and we have certainly been guilty of not promoting the positive qualities and goodness we see in each other. (Mainly because there are no positive qualities to promote.)

Christine’s modeling career is going so well. She is booking up on a daily basis all the way through fashion week in September. (Can you believe I bore such a good-looking offspring? Me neither! I hope she gets rich and gives me some of the money!)

Jillian Marie, I am so proud she is about to release her song “What You’re Talking About.” (If that [expletive] Countess can have a song, why not us?!  Money CAN TOO Buy You Class!  At least that’s what I tell myself….)

To really get to know me, please read my memoir The Naked Truth, which you can find on bookshelves everywhere. (And even if you DON’T want to get to know me, please buy my book. Seriously, I need the money. My foray into adult films hasn’t panned out as expected.)

A special thank you to my personal trainer Darren Goodall, who’s worked with me for the past seven months. (He doesn’t charge me in return for promoting him via my blog, although this strategy is probably backfiring because really who wants to go to the same trainer as me?)

Thank you to Eric Alt, from Eric Alt salon for donating his time, and products to an event I attended over the weekend… (Ditto what I said about my trainer.)

You can read the whole post here. But really, why would you want to?

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