Dadding
Would You Tell Your Children That You Used Drugs?
I’m going to make a confession here that few people know about: I’ve used illegal drugs. For a little over a year after my divorce I took X-stasy and smoked marijuana. That’s right, not in high school or in college, but as an adult.
Go ahead and judge me. This is the internet, which, among its many benefits, is the freedom to condemn others anonymously in the comments section. If you feel so compelled, have at it; just know I won’t care. It was dumb, I know. I’m not going to waste time justifying it, and that’s not exactly the point of this post anyway.
The question I’ve had to ask myself rather, is whether I will admit to my children that I once used illegal drugs. There are pros and cons to this of course, which boil down to either they won’t think me naive or, because there were no visible consequences for me, they will believe that this makes their own experimentation acceptable.
At the moment, my kids know nothing other than then “Doing drugs is bad!” They hear this phrase at school and they hear it at home. I can’t speak for the school, but at home we ensure our warnings include an explanation of the consequences. The kids in turn, nod in agreement, and I believe it’s sincere, yet at the same time, they don’t have much in the way of context with which to grasp the seriousness of drug use.
The kids understand that drugs are harmful and can hurt them in many ways, but what does that really mean to them at their young age? My stepdaughters, to some extent, have an inkling, given that their grandfather died of an overdose, but they had no relationship with their grandfather and that makes him almost as nebulous as the circumstances of his death. My sons, on the other hand, have nothing to go off of—nothing except me.
Add this to the general confusion over alcohol consumption, a substance the girls’ school has taught them is a drug too. As adults we understand the differences, but to children still grasping a world of black and white, grey areas like this tend to muddy the concept for them. Because of this, the girls were shocked to learn that, per the messages being conveyed at Drug Awareness Day, their mother and I were drug addicts because we drink wine and beer.
As their mother tried to clarify the situation for them, you could see the wheels of consternation turning in the girls’ heads: So alcohol is not a drug, but only if you’re responsible and don’t do it too much? Does that mean it’s the same with other drugs too?
With all of these considerations in mind, I’ve questioned telling the children about my experiences with drugs. The conclusion I have reached, however, is yes, I will tell them. This, though, is a qualified yes, meaning there is a time and a place to do this; it’s just a matter of when and where.
If they ask me, I will not lie. If I see them headed down a wrong road, then I will use it to offer guidance toward a better path. If they think it seems glamorous, I will reflect on how it’s not. And if they one day do find themselves in a situation where they are enduring the consequences of drug use, then I will let them know that I understand. Whatever the case, I want to be judicious in the hopes that the biggest consequence of my bad decisions will not be bad decisions on their part. The troubling part, though, is that there are no guarantees this won’t happen.
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Ron Mattocks is a father of five (3 sons, 2 stepdaughters) and author of the book, Sugar Milk: What One Dad Drinks When He Can’t Afford Vodka. He blogs at Clark Kent’s Lunchbox, and lives in Houston with his wife, Ashley, who eternally mocks his fervor for Coldplay.
Photo Credit: WikiCommons (CP Storm)
Also on Babble: I let my 4-year-old swear — Why kids’ cursing isn’t always a bad thing
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24 Comments
Zach Rosenberg commented on Jan 23 12 at 2:40 pm…and in your daughter’s (and her school’s) defense, the whole wine-and-beer thing is valid; you’re drinking to get “high.” It’s a legal high and very socially acceptable, but still…samesies.
Coincidentally, there was a study done that spanned from 1996 to 2009 about marijuana versus alcohol and it was found that in states where medical marijuana was legalized during those years, fatal traffic collision dropped by 9%. So, there’s that.
Anyway, I wasn’t here to roast you about alcohol usage. I wanted to say, good post, thanks for sharing, and it sure is a tough subject – but I think as you’ve concluded, there’s a time and place for every conversation. It’s more powerful for you to use your experience to guide them, rather than to give a blanket-NO and hope they don’t get curious. Kids will drink and use drugs, and it’s our jobs as dads to be in their face enough that they think of us when they choose to do so.
And, again, in my opinion, we’re all actually in more danger of our kids learning to drink from us and our legal habits than some of the illegal stuff they can learn elsewhere.
Thanks Ron!
Q commented on Jan 24 12 at 6:10 amWhen the time comes I will be honest with my children about my drug use. I never had any type of drug problem but in my teens and early 20′s I used marijuana recreationally with friends and with my husband. I will make it clear to my children that to use drugs is a personal choice and while it’s your own choice there are serious risks behind it.
My parents for most of my youth lied about their drug use (no addictions or serious usage but there was experimentation) but to this day I never get a straight answer from my parents. I always felt that by lying to me they were questioning my intelligence and didn’t trust me to make my own choices if I knew the truth.
T.M.H commented on Jan 24 12 at 6:36 amIts really hard to say what I will do.
Growing up, I hated the parents who lyed to their kids. Cause you knew good damn n well they grew up in the 70′s.
My mother and family told me (extensively) about their drug use. And I’ll be honest, apart of me thought it was okay. though honestly I never did anything until after high school, in what would have been my college years. an through their strories I wasn’t as stupid about thing as others. Others that just wanted daddy’s attention.
But I noticed the parents who kept the drug use a “secret” their children mostly stayed away. And made better decisions. Only finding out in their early 20′s that perfect mommy n daddy did lines for days in community college lunch breaks!
So, it’s hard because it hypocritical to explain to our children that drug use is bad, but in the same sentience not lying to them about our experiences.
Reminds me of the day my mother threaten to punish me (and I’m putting that nicely) if she caught me smoking, about the time she threw her half smoked Pal Mal out the truck window.
Sadly, drug use it apart of the American culture, through the phase of “finding ones self”. To me the talk about drugs lines up with severity of a mother talking to her teenage daughter about the emotional ramifications of pernicious sex. I commend you. it’s an internal debate I believe will not be won until I have to cross the bridge.
Krys commented on Jan 24 12 at 8:44 amI definately agree with you. I am young mother of two and have been in a simlar situation. While my kids are not yet school aged nor have the ability to grasp the concept of drugs, I still want to educate them with personal experience when the time comes. How else are they really to understand the reality? I came from a family with no grasp of the understanding of drugs and addiction other than it is bad and dont do it. So I didnt have the knowledge I can offer my children. I applaud you for your decision.
the muskrat commented on Jan 24 12 at 11:19 amI plan to lie about that stuff. It’s like Santa.
CM commented on Jan 24 12 at 11:55 amI’m a single mother of a 2 year old and have had this topic on my mind a great deal the last 3 months, since my sons father overdosed and passed away after being sober for quite some time. I have always been of the mind that I would tell my son the truth about everything. I totally agree, “it’s a matter of when and where” I think it’s important to be honest but also mindful of the child’s age and what they can really comprehend. I have had struggles of my own, years ago but I fully intend to disclose that to my son. I plan on telling him the physical consequences as well as the emotional and spiritual. I plan to tell my sone about his father, first and for most that he loved him but he had a disease. I want to give my son as much knowledge of the world as I can in order to protect and prepare him. However, he will live his own life and he has his own path. Should he follow down one that is dark I hope that by always being honest with him he will feel he can do the same with me and we can get through anything together. Great post… thank you!
Beta Dad commented on Jan 24 12 at 12:01 pmWhat Muskrat said. I mean, are you going to tell them about your wanton promiscuity too? Er, that is…you know, if you were into that kind of thing at some point?
Dawn Rose commented on Jan 24 12 at 2:26 pmMy husband and I are in agreement on the situation. Eventually we will tell our kids about our drug history, and the lessons we learned. Our oldest is 5 and our youngest is 9 months, so it will be many years before that day comes.
Wolf Pascoe commented on Jan 24 12 at 3:52 pm“So alcohol is not a drug, but only if you’re responsible and don’t do it too much?”
There are two large differences between alcohol and marijuana. 1. One is legal (when you’re of age) and the other (generally) isn’t. 2. Unfortunately, the legal drug (alcohol) is medically the more dangerous.
I’m not there yet with my kid, who’s nine, but the best I’m hoping for is to help him sort his way sensibly through the minefield of irrationality and hysteria that surrounds drugs and drug policies.
One example: Pentothal, a useful anesthetic, is no longer available. One manufacturer (I believe Italian) stopped making it because they were required by the government to guarantee it would not be used for executions. As a result, they stopped manufacturing it.
jco commented on Jan 25 12 at 8:21 amum, by posting this, didn’t you essentially just admit that to them?
IMO some things are better left unsaid.
Eric Bolton commented on Jan 25 12 at 8:29 amLike you. If they ask, I would tell them. It won’t be something that I bring up one day if it’s not warranted. But if they ask or I was concerned as a parent, I’d tell them part of my testimony.
I guess the same can go for the tattoo they know nothing about too.
Ron Mattocks commented on Jan 26 12 at 9:33 am@JCO Yeah. I’m not going to go out of my way to bring it up. But should the time come, I’m not going to let on like I haven’t.
Ron Mattocks commented on Jan 26 12 at 9:34 am@Eric Funny you bring up the tattoo. I got 3 of them right around this same time–the kids thought I had joined a motorcycle gang.
Ron Mattocks commented on Jan 26 12 at 9:38 am@Wolf you hit on a good point. It’s not so much the alcohol and drug use as it is teaching them to make responsible decisions on their own and letting them apply it to situations like this. You hope they make the right decision, but if they don’t, then you have your own past to rely on a tool to help them. Good stuff.
Ron Mattocks commented on Jan 26 12 at 9:40 am@Andy Lol! Yeah, I guess I’ll keep that to myself … I mean I would if that applied to me.
Ron Mattocks commented on Jan 26 12 at 9:47 am@CM Thanks for sharing this. It’s tough–I know it still is for my wife. She’s so angry with her dad for what he did. On my side of the family, my grandfather was an alcoholic, and a mean one too. My father resolved to never be like him–I never saw my him ever touch a drink. I think it scared him to think that he could slide down that slope into that same darkness as his father. But you’re right, our kids will choose their own paths and all we can do is be there for them.
Ron Mattocks commented on Jan 26 12 at 9:49 am@Muskrat That would explain why Santa always looks so flush.
Ron Mattocks commented on Jan 26 12 at 9:51 am@Krys Great point. Our experience makes it more real to them. Plus it’s our responsibility to educate them. Too many parents just leave it up to the schools. Scary.
Ron Mattocks commented on Jan 26 12 at 9:53 am@Q Agree. It all comes down to honesty. I wouldn’t want my kids to find out I was lying–it would kill my credibility on everything else after that.
Ron Mattocks commented on Jan 26 12 at 10:01 am@TMH You really hit the crux of it. Kids think because we’re the parent, that authority makes us infallible, so if we used drugs or whatever then it causes them to think why are drugs so bad if my parents used them. They always know what they’re doing so what are they keeping me from? My kids ask me all the time why I can use cuss words but they can’t. I explain the reasons (while trying to cut back on my bad language), but it keeps coming up. Same general logic, just applied to drugs.
Ron Mattocks commented on Jan 26 12 at 10:13 am@Zach, To be fair to the schools it would be tough for them to explain the line between drinking responsibly and it being something to get sloshed on. This a parent’s responsibility. Whether a kid sees their parents drinking or not, they’re going to see it somewhere. No one drank in my house for it was a sin. That’s all I knew, then I got to the Army and you can figure out the rest. My point is no one educated me on what it meant to be responsible only that it was wrong. We don’t drink a whole lot in front of the kids–a beer at dinner, or on Sat afternoon–not a six-pack. And when the question comes up I tell them it’s like driving a car–you follow the rule and be safe, that’s responsible–drive 100mph, that’s irresponsible and has consequences. Or Twinkies–one is okay, eating 50 is bad.
Also, I’m a proponent of legalizing MJ. I don’t tell the kids that, though. Thanks for the comment Zach. Good discussion.
Shawna-mama commented on Jan 31 12 at 7:45 pmIt’s funny that Babble posted this blog from u 2DAY as I was JUST thinking 2DAY about how I wanted 2 write a book about my years of drug use… Not as something that I would want my children 2 read til MANY yrs down the road, but so that my decent in2 madness & my struggles 2 find my way back could encourage & hopefully uplift those who have struggled or who are still struggling… I’m not ashamed 2 admit that I also used drug late in life & that as a result I lost my oldest daughter 2 my mother who THANKFULLY took care of her when my drug use was @ its worst!!!!!!! I am now back with that daughter & also have a new child born in the midst of that drug use!!!!!!! I am proud 2 say that I am now a clean & sober, but know that everyday is a struggle that I have 2 deal with… It’s my disease… When then time comes I know that I will be able 2 share with my girls the BAD SIDE of drugs & how they can FULLY AFFECT UR REASONING & HOW BADLY THEY CAN RUIN UR LIFE!!!!!!!
Sara commented on Jan 31 12 at 10:19 pmComing from the child of a medical marijuana patient I could never lie to my child about smoking pot. I believe that realistic education about drugs and alcohol and an open dialogue would go much further in keeping my Son safe than a lie. Besides, what if I was caught in a lie about drug use? I feel like that would be a much bigger detriment to his drug free existence, not to mention the damage to the relationship it could cause.
Amanda commented on Feb 01 12 at 12:09 amAs an adult who just recently had her parents admit to drug use, I’m glad my parents denied it to me until all these years. On the other hand, I wish they would have been more honest with me when I was younger and had questions. It was just DRUGS ARE BAD M’KAY. I’ve known for years that my dad smoked pot but he never talked to us about it and never did it around my brother and I. That I am also glad about because I know way too many people who were exposed to that as kids and teens and are a complete wrecks now as adults and I’d like to think that because I wasn’t exposed to that I’ve turned out better
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