Dadding
Is The Rise of Fatherhood Sincere or by Default?
I miss my job!
Last week Lisa Belkin wrote a superb Huffington Post article entitled, “The Year of the Dad?” In it, she lauds the trends indicating men’s increased involvement as fathers, yet questions the cultural permanence of such in light of the recovering job market. Belkin’s thoughts come as a result of new data released by the Census Bureau suggesting that dads now are playing a more active parental role. However, Belkin, who was recently listed on Babble’s Top 100 Mom Bloggers, debates how much of this is due to personal choice versus economic necessity. Her point is a valid one.
I’m a SAHD because of the recession. I did not accept the role graciously. You might even say I was a whiny little bitch about it. I could run through list of obvious reasons for this, but basically it boiled down to the frustration that came from re-evaluating my self-worth, which previously had been centered largely on my work performance. With that gone, who the hell was I? A dad? Swell. That’ll pay the bills.
Eventually, I did come to grips with the situation, realizing that being a SAHD was what my family needed. I mean, we needed money too, but without me taking care of the kids, my wife would’ve lost her job. Some money is better than none, and me being a selfish jerk about the whole thing wasn’t helping anyone. It was time to get my ass in gear and stop thinking of myself.
Still, even though the experience has changed my worldview in a big way (while also exposing me to a whole community of exceptional mom and dad bloggers), given the choice between staying home or returning to a traditional job, I’d choose the latter. Why? For a couple of reasons: 1) greater earning potential and 2) more time with my family.
Being a SAHD, as I’ve already mentioned, has been something that’s made our family stronger; however, call me sexist, but I still have the greater earning potential in this house. They say money can’t buy happiness — true, but having it sure reduces a lot of stress when the starter goes out in your minivan — and that’s the biggest stress felt by our whole family.
With my other reason, it may sound counterintuitive to say having a job would actually allow one more time with their family, but when you work from home, you are always at work. Yeah, yeah — work-life balance, priorities, yadda, yadda. Those arguments will always exist. For me, though, being able to walk away from a physical location means leaving work at work as opposed to the temptation of eating dinner in my home office just to squeeze in a few more billable hours.
I realize this line of reasoning is endemic to our family’s specific set of circumstances, and may differ from those of others. My real point, though, is that my decision to give up being the primary care-giver is based on what’s best for my family, not because I dislike my domestic duties.
This is the thought that goes through my mind whenever I hear discussions about which parent is working and which is staying home. The question is what’s best for the family and for the children. I think that this sometimes gets forgotten, especially when we start to overanalyze statistics in attempts to prove parental equality exists.
Are fathers really more involved today? Yes. Is the data presented by the Census Bureau valid in suggesting this? Yes, to an extent. But as more men return to work how will this affect the rise of fatherhood we’ve been seeing take place over the last few years?
Personally speaking, I’m actually more conscientious of my parenting as I now work full-time, and it’s because of my experiences as a SAHD. Will this happen across the board with other dads? I hope so. It would be deflating to think that the rise of fatherhood occurred by default at the hands of the economy, and worse, that it will leave no lasting footprint once those conditions have evaporated.
What do you think? Is the rise of fatherhood, largely a default consequence due to the economy, or is it real?
Photo Credit: Wiki Commons (Tbdsy Lives)
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Ron Mattocks is a father of five (3 sons, 2 stepdaughters) and author of the book, Sugar Milk: What One Dad Drinks When He Can’t Afford Vodka. He blogs at Clark Kent’s Lunchbox, and lives in Houston with his wife, Ashley, who eternally mocks his fervor for Coldplay.
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6 Comments
Michele Price (@prosperitygal) commented on Dec 14 11 at 12:25 pmYes when the shoe is on our own foot, all of a sudden we realize what it feels like to walk in them.
The difference I see in this conversation is that as Mothers, we have not had the choice, we had to be a mom and work. Other words we did not have a husband ( in the past) to hand off the children to and focus on our vocational goals.
That change came about when we moved from more of a agrarian society into an industrial society and our children have suffered since. How interesting is it that the “so called” breakdown in our economy world wide is allowing us (forcing us) to make better choices.
Thanks for the conversation and your being vulnerable enough to discuss it.
Vincent via CuteMonster commented on Dec 15 11 at 10:53 amBeing in a similar situation, I can relate to your struggle. And I agree with your conclusion that leaving work at work does indeed make a difference in our perspective of family life. Yet the question remains, if both parents work, who’s taking caer of the kids? Is it fair to the children to hand them over to strangers if family members are not available as a resource? And the costs of hiring care providers can be enormous as they should be since as a parent you shouldn’t be seeking out low cost care instead of quality care for your kids. I’d argue that the majority of families with both parents working simply don’t have the resources to afford high quality care. And as a result, we have kids being raised like cattle.
What do you think?
Vincent | CuteMonster dot com
Clark Kent's Lunchbox commented on Dec 16 11 at 8:06 am@Michelle Thanks for the comment. Good point. I like the irony in this aspect of the economic fallout.
@Vincent – You raise a good question, and one we faced. Do we both work away from home? It ended up making no sense both economically (paying for childcare) and parenting wise. The idea of handing the girls over to someone we didn’t know didn’t sit right. My wife had horrible experiences with childcare when single. Her oldest broke her arm playing unsupervised on a broken playground apparatus while the other almost had to have an epipen jammed into after being given a peanut snack when she had an alert bracelet tagging her as being allergic to peanuts. The most tragic story, however, happened here in Houston when a 24 y/o woman was running a “daycare” from her home and decided to leave 8 – 10 children ages 6 mos-3 yrs unsupervised so she could run to Target. She also left something boiling on the stove which caught fire and burned the house to the ground killing 4 of the children. So, yeah – not just raising cattle, but raising them dangerously at the same time. Sad and sick.
Graham commented on Dec 16 11 at 10:24 pmThanks, Ron, for your candor.
I’m hopeful that there is a meaningful cultural shift toward meaningful fatherhood because in my experience the trend predates the recession. I became a SAHD six and a half years ago – in Manhattan no less. I found a fantastic network of fathers, some over-employed, some full-time, some free-lance, and some SAHD. Economics were not the common variable; they were the wildcard.
If I’m not mistaken, those networks are going to be the measure of the movement. If they catalyze meaningful connection among fathers who love being fathers (regardless of their employment status), then this movement will be sustained. If, however, engaged fathers are isolated from these sorts of supportive networks, the movement may be very short-lived.
mike_hartz commented on Dec 17 11 at 10:02 amI was a stay/work at home dad for a year between office jobs. I still spend half a day with the kids before I go into work at noon. I will never fall into the tradition dad figure and I couldn’t be happier about it
Cheri commented on Feb 15 12 at 4:41 pmNow think about all this new interest in fatherhood and motherhood from the custody court perspective also…..I think that both parents serve a purpose that is both different and not equal. I dont think you can swap either parent for the other one in a lot of cases. Though the fight to be seen as a superior parent and win the fight in court is what pushes some fathers into trying to be the primary caregiver of the kids, I don’t believe for a lot of fathers that they really want what they are fighting for. My ex is a babysitter that pays me every two weeks. Or you can look at like I’m a full time nanny for my kids that he doesn’t pay well and has time when he feels like it.
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