Dadding
Fans and Their Moms Celebrate Over End to Bieber Paternity Suit
Bieber: Singing "Baby" for realz, yo?
LOS ANEGLES, California—Across the country, tween girls and their moms are rejoicing over last week’s news that Mariah Yeater had dropper her paternity suit against pop star Justin Bieber. Yeater withdrew her lawsuit after text messages on her phone revealed the possibility that someone other than Bieber fathered Yeater’s 4-month-old Tristyn Anthony Markhouse Yeater whose lengthy name may yield clues as to the father’s actual identity.
“We’re so thrilled,” said 12 year-old Katie Winthrop of Irvine, California. “We knew it wasn’t true!”
“Never say never,” added Winthrop’s mom, Ashley. “Unless it’s a paternity suit.”
A small but dedicated group of fans in Bismarck, North Dakota were literally warmed by word of Bieber’s innocence after braving freezing temperatures for nearly a month as they took up residence in the city’s park to protest the false accusations against the Canadian-born singing star.
“We thought it was gonna be one of them Occupy Wall Street deals,” said Bismark’s police commissioner. “We were fixin’ to get the riot gear when we realized is was just Bieber fever.”
Other cities saw similar reactions. Upon hearing the news, a mob of teen girls at a mall in Jacksonville, Florida broke began singing Bieber’s popular hit, “Baby” to a crowd of confused senior citizens waiting to use the food court restroom. “That sounds just like my ringtone,” said William Goldstien, a 67 year-old Brooklyn native who retired here last fall. “I’ve been trying to change it since I got the damn phone.”
Although Bieber may not be a household name with older generations, the 2010 American Music Artist of the Year, is still popular with adults as demonstrated by the overwhelming support of various organizations such as Cougar Dating.com and NAMBLA.
“We would like to express our love for Justin Bieber,” read a brief statement on NABLA’s website.
Yeater made things sticky for Bieber
Even though Yeater, seen here with her face wrapped attractively in packaging tape, withdrew the charges, Bieber’s attorneys state that their client will go through with the DNA test anyway to prove his innocence once and for all. Doctors, however, say this may not be necessary given that the 17 year-old singer has the same sexual potency as a Ken doll.
Friends close to Bieber say he is relieved to have this behind him, and that fatherhood is not something he’s ready for. For now they say he just wants to keep on singing, and touching people’s lives like that of Margaret Donaldson who lost her brother in a tragic accident.
Bieber’s brush with paternity, though, may have scared him enough to temporarily direct his attention away from the fairer sex as Macys suggests in their Black Friday commercial.
In the end, though, I think we’d all agree, Bieber’s not ready to be a dad.
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