@Jenn – WHAT? He did that? Man. Like you, I can see myself taking a couple photos and then storing them in a special place for only me and dad and maybe the kids to look at when they’re older.

@ Devan – I see your point and of course it’s their choice and I’ve not had a miscarriage so I can’t speak out of turn but I guess handing out photos of a dead person – whether a tiny fetus or a grown adult – makes me uncomfortable and it has NOTHING to do with the ideal that a miscarriage should be kept secret. Again though – who knows how I’d feel if I had a miscarriage. When you put it in perspective like that I could totally see myself wanting to cuddle with my dead baby but I don’t think I’d ever pass it around to my kids. That’s a little much for me.

People is reporting that those photos were released without the Duggar’s permission and they are actually very upset about it. I never ever ever judge what people do in their grief (including Rick Santorum, even though I might not agree with it) because I am not there, and I am not them.

As a society, we are far too uncomfortable with death, mourning, and the grieving process. I see nothing wrong with the photos nor is there anything wrong with wanting to share those photos with family at a funeral. Perhaps posting them to Twitter is too much, but for a society that revels in violence, gore, and Hollywood death, we are hypocritically Puritanical when it comes to real death which is a natural process, inevitable, and not to be feared.

@LIZL is right. These photos are apparently being released without the Duggar’s permission, so…. really, if that is the case, TMZ should be ashamed of themselves.

Monica, I’m so disappointed in you. I’ve always liked reading what you write, but this. This was a LATE TERM miscarriage – because she was under 20 weeks, it’s called a miscarriage, which is ridiculous. She had to go through labor and delivery for that little baby girl.

If one of your children were born before 20 weeks, you WOULD want those pictures to remember who’s feet and hands they had. Who’s nose they had. Who’s ears they had. The perfect little fingernails/toenails. Which person they resembled the most. (They are perfectly formed tiny babies at that point and you CAN see all those features.) Time makes memories fade – so in time, her perfect little features would be forgotten without photos. Jubilee was a little girl and one to be celebrated and mourned. Why should she not be?

My firstborn son was stillborn in 2006 and bereavement photography wasn’t well known back then. We took 6 pictures with our camera and I WISH we had taken more. Our second son died at 4 days old and the 1,000 pictures we took aren’t enough. The pictures they took of their daughter are something to be cherished forever. And honestly, how many of you would have even known that the hands/feet in those pictures weren’t from a live baby if you hadn’t been told? People rarely think babies at the same gestation as Jubilee even have hands/feet (I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard “it was just a clump of cells” when someone hears the term “miscarriage”, even if it was just under 20 weeks).

Very disappointed, Monica. Until it happens to you, keep your mouth shut.

I have suffered 2 miscarriages & although I understand what & somewhat why they took the photos I agree that they should be kept to themselves. Theres no way u keep a miscarriage a secret especially in the second trimester cuz there’s a bond with that baby and you’ve probably already shared the news of your pregnancy. I just think things like this are private & personal. I got angel wings to remember my 3 angels I lost looking at pictures would hurt too much. Even sonos I have from yes ago make me sad. Going by the hospital I lost them at hurts. As parents u know ur babies are irreplaceable no matter how many u have before or after. But to each his own I guess. The worst thing this could be is for publicity.

I lost my son, Keagan 5 months into my pregnancy. After the 20 week mark the body is sent to a funeral home and the parents decide what to do with the child’s remains. I chose to have a graveside service for my son so that myself and everyone who had been so excited to meet him could say good bye and give him the respect of a proper burial. We did not hand out pictures of him, although a photographer did come to the hospital and take some. But we did have his footprints on the front of the program. I have a framed photo of him in my home, but otherwise keep these pictures for myself. This year on his birthday my mother gave me a charm with his footprints, name, and birthday on it. I wear this around my neck everyday to symbolically keep him with me. The death of a child is always a difficult time and I believe it is up to the family to decide how to grieve, regardless of what their situation is.

@Heather I don’t think Monica’s talking about them taking pictures I think it’s the fact that they were handed out knowing they’re “celebrities”. As someone whos suffered from losses could u imagine if the photos of your loved ones got in the wrong hands or was taken the wrong way or out of context. I think that’s the issue. Not that they took photos of her. Discretion & privacy are not what they used to be especially for people in the public eye. She had to almost know they could and would get leaked whether by a family member or someone stole them etc.

I think the problem that most people are having is they are calling THE BABY a fetus which it is not as you can see its a human being when looking at the pictures.
Fetus is a word used to desensitize the fact that its an actual baby and people are having abortions around these times. Whatever anyone chooses to with their child is up to them. They shouldn’t be limited to only a couple photos to be kept a sercert as if their child shouldn’t be remembered. I encourage everyone to watch the 180 movie if you feel otherwise.

I’ve lost a baby before (granted he was born at 29 weeks & lived for 11 hours) but I’ve also suffered two early pregnancy losses & you mourn for each child that you lose, even the ones so small you can hold in your hand to the ones who you never get to meet. A family needs the freedom to grieve in their own way. Pregnancy & infant loss is swept under the rug. Parents are expected to just move on & be “normal” .. it is NEVER like that. Each child is a precious gift & especially if those parents were excited to be pregnant.. to lose that child is the worst, most intense pain anyone can endure. It is the most unnatural of losses .. to bury your own child & I am glad that they are doing what THEY need to in their grieving process. Because it’s their own journey & no one has the right to tell them how to do it.

So as a bereaved parent myself .. if you have never been in my shoes.. then you should respect that you have no idea what you are talking about & keep it to yourself.

Still lovin’ my baby: Dexter (March 9, 2009 – March 10, 2009)

A persons a person no matter how small.and how a family grieves the loss of their child should not be criticized by people who have never been in that place.

i had a ectopic pregnancy that i carried to 6 wks and lost when mytbe ruptured although that baby ws barely anything at all he or she was still a child, a planned pregnancy, a part of my husband and i and i still mourned the loss ….we had a memorial of sorts we tied helium balloons to the roses i received after my surgery and let them go, the hospital chaplain gave me an ornament of a mother and infant inside a teardrop….ill have that forever. so anyways what im getting at is i think taking the pictures and having the funeral service is beautiful and the phrasing a clump of cells disgusts me …

People grieve in their own ways and I don’t believe that anyone has the right to judge any parent that looses a child, whether it is a miscarriage or a child that lived for any amount of time. I have experienced what a miscarriage is like, and how it can tear relationships apart. When my son died inside me it turned my life upside down and almost drove me over the edge. I have pictures of him still to this day, and it was my personal choice not to post them on any social network or share them with the world in any other way, but they are not a secret. No one has the right to tell anyone how to deal with things like this in life, especially if you have never been through something like this. I believe that everyone is entitled to their opinion, but unless you have experienced this you will never fully understand what “we” have gone through. Some things are better left unsaid, and I believe some of these comments fall under that category. What ever happened to being supportive of each other?

I miscarried at about 7 weeks along and at the time it did not hit me. But when the delivery date pasted I stopped to think of what could have been. I got pregnant the month after I lost my babe so I think that is why I did not mourn but now two and half years later it does creep up in my thoughts. Now here is what I want to share about my mom who before I was born was expecting twins. She got poisoned and the twin boys died around 4 months. She did not abort natural and was induced around a normal six month gestation. Those doctors took those two precious boys and stuffed them in to jars and then down the trash. My parents NEVER had the opportunity to cuddle and even spend a second with those twins. My mom has NEVER gotten over this. I could not imagine this they were babies perfectly formed and they were treated like garbage. It is a horrible thing to lose a baby and I thought the pictures were a wonderful reminder about life and how it is created.

I have miscarried, although earlier. I think that if it was meaningful to the Duggars, I am glad they were able to do it. To me, a miscarried fetus or a still born child are both the same in that they represent the potential for life that will never be. It is really the possibilities, the hopes, and dreams we had that we mourn, not the person they were. In fact, they were never people.

I am sure my comments will anger some readers, this is how I feel. I respect your right to feel otherwise, I hope you will respect me.

It’s a very touchy subject and I’m deeply sorry for your losses, Heather. That’s way too much heartache for one lifetime. :( However, I don’t think Monica should be scorned for this.

I think if it as… People keep Ashes of loved ones. Some people find it creepy while others find it comforting. I think the pictures were a nice tribute tho. The words that they chose were words to honor her. Death is always disturbing for alot of people. But what do we say about those who celebrate it? Are they sick in the head? Or are they honoring the life of a loved one while providing comfort in a time of personal loss and tragedy. Everyone mourns differently

She is grieving and lives a very open life. This makes sense and again, is not what we might do ourselves, but how we can we tell someone how to walk through this?

The photos are beautiful, not at all disturbing.

Reading the stories of the women who miscarried has me in tears right now. I also had a miscarriage at 17 weeks and on the 17th it will be two years from now. I took pictures and spent the night in the hospital with the baby some of my family came up but I tried to keep everyone away. At first I didnt want to see my little boy but I did and my aunt took pictures. I’m so glad that I did because it has help me move on and keep him in my memory and although you can never get past the loss of your own child. Looking back and reading these stories I wish I had done more and allowed all my family to come up. The family that did come even though I said not to it was comforting having them there and I’m glad they did come. Life should be cherished even If they weren’t given a chance to be with us on earth you can meet them and life eternally with them one day in heaven, and for that day I cannot wait to meet my little boy once agin.

Ironic that Babble- which has been bombarding my FB page endless pics of labor/delivery now has an opinion piece questioning why someone grieving would take & share these pics. To me these precious photos are much more meaningful & appropriate than having someone else’s labor or umbilical cord splashed across my computer screen. And yet- even if you think TMZ was wrong to post them- at least their site posted a warning to people before they clicked. If only Babble’s endless birth photo campaign would do the same. For those of us who’ve had painful/difficult births those photos are an unwelcome emotional trigger.

I understand the impulse to take pictures and keep them for yourself. But… it’s still pictures of a corpse. That’s what’s disturbing and weird about this. I think having pics of the tiny hands and feet is the most tasteful way to handle it, though.

Oh my goodness, so many of the stories you all are sharing are making me weepy.

My miscarriages were all within the first trimester. Would I have taken photographs had they been late-term miscarriages? Honestly, since that was never my circumstance, I don’t know for certain but I am leaning towards probably.The only thing I can say with certainty is those photographs would be kept in a special place and only viewed by myself, my husband and our other children when the time was appropriate. Each grieving parent should do what they need in order to heal and move forward. If the Duggars want to publicly share the photo of their miscarried baby, I will not judge. Thankfully I do have a choice about viewing the photo and I choose not to.

I see no issue with them taking photos. I belong to a large parenting forum here in Australia and there is a very active community of parents who have lost their children, all at various stages, from early miscarriages, to late term, to stillborn, neonates, years later.

It’s not just common for parents losing a second trimester (or any time after) baby to take photos. I think that is normal. I personally would not tweet them (though I don’t believe the family themselves have done this, in which case whoever did this is a disgrace, especially because it leads to ignorant pieces like this being written by people who know now of what they speak).

A 20 weeker is tiny, of course. And red. And hard for some to look at. But to the parents (and others who are more attuned to those feelings), it is still a perfectly formed baby, who was much loved and wanted. She deserves to have pics taken of her and to be mourned. Her parents deserve to have those on hand.

these photos can be very tastefully done by an amazing organization http://www.nilmdts.org who is prepared for any type of stillbirth. without that organization, i would have so many regrets after losing our son at 20 weeks in a very similar situation as the Duggars. i show the tasteful photos with whoever wants to see but keep our raw, color photos of the day to ourselves and family. the photos are all we have left to show for the short life of our son and i would not trade those photos for anything. when you can’t even begin to imagine what it’s like to go through a stillbirth (and i hope you never do) pictures of the day are very helpful to preserve the one and only memory of our firstborn son. http://www.alifurtwangler.com

I think those pictures are beautiful. They’re not distasteful in any way, especially since they only show the hands and feet. It’s very hard for anyone who’s a parent to face pictures of babies who have died, especially if you haven’t been in that situation, but if you make yourself get over your own discomfort and really look, you will see a much loved, beautiful baby whose parents just want to make the world recognize that their baby was real, it was loved, and will never be forgotten. Sure, some parents don’t share their pictures with the whole world, and of course that’s fine, but others do want to share their photos and I think it’s the best thing for people to get over their own discomfort over the pictures to appreciate the beauty of it. If those parents could share photos of their baby as alive and healthy, they would, but they have only what they have, and they shouldn’t be ashamed of sharing those photos. It doesn’t matter at what point in pregnancy a baby is lost, it’s a major heartbreak when that baby is wanted and loved. I too have been fortunate not to have experienced a miscarriage or stillbirth or the loss of a child after birth, but I know and care about a lot of women who have experienced all of those things, and I force myself to get over my own discomfort to really face the reality that these things happen, and while it’s so hard to face in a day and age where our culture has such good medical care that death isn’t a constant thing in people’s lives, we still need to realize that this happens. Years ago, when babies and children died all the time, it wasn’t even something worth mentioning if someone shared a rare photo of the child lost, even if it was taken after the death. It was merely accepted as a memorial of the child. That shouldn’t change now. I think that when parents share these photos, it’s in everyone’s best interest to embrace the photos and the choice the parents made as a way to show our support of those parents who have experienced the greatest loss in life ever.

I think the photos are beautiful and I wish I had photos of the children I lost. I wouldn’t share them with the world, but I wouldn’t be on a reality show, either. If the Duggars didn’t want the photos shared, then it’s very sad that their wishes were not respected…but not in the slightest bit surprising.

I honestly don’t understand why the photos are “disturbing”–only the hands and feet are visible. Or is it that people don’t want to be reminded that a baby is a human from the moment of conception, that’s it’s legal to kill a human that size, that maybe it shouldn’t be?

These are horrible people who shit out 20 kids and want to be treated like heroes.
Now they are turning their dead baby into the embarrassing circus their living ones are in.
Tragic that we have crafted a society that tolerates this kind of absurdity.
Let them go live on the prairie with Doctor Quinn if they want to pretend its the 1800s. Civilized people should stop rewarding their abusive antics with attention.

pathetic and exploitive. Other than that, great plan Duggers.

come on, people. the writer was just commenting on her surprise regarding something that is very foreign to her, and made a special point to say that she hadn’t experienced the loss of a baby or anything- she obviously wasn’t trying to hurt anybody’s feelings! no need to shame her like that! take the opportunity to teach or explain, if anything, to show her a different side to her own of the human experience, what is it with all the yelling?

Also, I wonder if it bothered you because you’ve been conflicted about your abortion?

I don’t think voicing an opinion is judgemental. Monica never experiencing loss like that does not negate her right to speak on the subject in the way that she did in this article. She admitted her discomfort in a respectful and curious way. There is nothing wrong, hurtful or disappointing about that no matter what you believe.

I haven’t read through all the comments but I am a bit surprised by the negative reactions to this post.

I think that Monica couched her view of the incident very well and without one whit of judgement and lots of sensitivity. She very simply states that it made her uncomfortable but not sure why but also clearly states that she has never been in this position so she doesn’t know what she’d do. How else should someone express their feelings about something?

There is an appropriate time to get all hot and bothered but this really seems to me to be “smoke looking for a fire”.

What’s surprises me is that there are a lot of “essays” saying little more than “I find this weird”, “seriously?”, “come on, people”. If that’s what writers are being paid for these days, I’ll stick to the old books/newspapers/magazines. I expect more than “feelings” if I choose to read something. I know that I don’t have to pay to read Babble and I know that I can just go away. I guess I just don’t know why I keep coming, and apparently it’s ok to come here and say just that and think that people might be interested in such an inarticulate opinion.

I can’t read all of the comments. I understand and also believe that everyone has the right to grieve however it is that they need to. I don’t think Monica said anything derogetory about the WAY they were showing their grief. Her problem is with the fact that someone tweeted the photos, which of course made their way to the tabloids (or whatever you want to call TMZ). It is a private funeral and a private grief, not for the public’s eyes. I think everyone that is all upset with her should reread the post.

I come from your other blog, where you posted a summery of what this is about. I can not read this article, or the comments yet, as my grip on self control is very tenuious, so I will just give you my experience.
December 6 I gave birth to a very wanted baby boy at 23 weeks who did not live. Before having him I was of 2 minds about having pictures of him taken. We had many complications, so he did not look even what a normal baby at 23 weeks would look like. I was afraid to see him, I was afraid to hold him, and I thought it might be more then a little creepy to take pictures of my dead baby.
Until they gave him to me.
He’s mine. He’s my baby I wanted more then anything, just like your babies that you got to take home. The 700 pictures you take in the first month celebrating them are just the same as the 10 I have of him. I am just as proud to be his mom as you are of your babies, I love him just as much as you do yours, he’s the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, no matter your opinion. It’s not creepy, it’s my baby. Nothing more.
And if I thought people would honor and be as happy to see him as I am, I would give them pictures too.

It’s fine to be uncomfortable with it, or to be okay with it. Monica obviously hit on a sensitive topic for many mothers who have had miscarriages. I have had two myself and it isn’t an easy thing to go through. Saying you are uncomfortable with what the Duggers did isn’t “judging” per say. It’s just sharing an opinion. It’s not everyday that we hear about people sharing pictures of their unborn children who have died, so there are bound to be a lot of different opinions about it. For a reality check though, when you have 20 kids, you are going to have some miscarriages. It comes with the territory. Which is not to say that they don’t have the right to grieve however they feel appropriate. But it shouldn’t really come as a surprise, especially at her advanced maternal age.

My bestir had a miscarriage @ 19 weeks 4 days. He was an 8 oz. little boy. She has photos but they r private. I understand why the Duggars took the photos. I am saddened that they were made public. Same as any other photos of dead bodies. Even open casket funerals make me uncomfortable. But it’s sad. Plain & simple. I totally meant what you were getting at.

@Amelia – I’m so sorry.

I know you didn’t read the article but the last part of your comment I exactly what Monica is getting at.

The family lives in the public arena and has to know that anything they do is fodder for the masses. Having them out there increases the possibility astronomically that the photos will not be honored by those that view them.

I myself have not suffered a miscarriage but I am the sister, sister-in-law, family member and friend to many that have. I myself am always honored to receive the memory of the baby however the parents decide to do so or not do so.

I am a photographer, mother as well as suffered four miscarriages. I experienced the same thing in that we discovered the heart beat stopped during a check up. I came to realize what a stigma is attached to miscarriage. Like its a secret. Like the whole – we arent telling people we are pregnant until after the first trimester just in case we miscarry. Like its something to hide. People! It’s a death in the family! And it should be treated as such. I have worked alongside a national organization of volunteer photographers called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. They provide photographic services to families who experience a fetal demise. They rush to hospitals at all hours of the night in order to memorialize their child. So many photographers. Volunteer this service as a way to assist the grieving process. As painful as it is, it is good to have something to hold on to as a rememberance. All I have are a couple ultrasound pictures. These photos are tasteful and totally appropriate. TMZ on the other hand is entirely different conversation.

I posted the following comment on Monica’s blog so I thought I’d post it here too. But first I want to point out that I find the personal and hurtful comments about both Monica and the Duggars to be terrible and unnecessary. Monica was just voicing her opinion. While I don’t agree with her, the nasty comments about her and her abortion are out of line. Similarly, whether you agree or disagree with the Duggars or their parenting philosophy or religious beliefs, they are parents who just buried their stillborn daughter. Have a little compassion. Now for my comment:

My first son was almost stillborn at 27 weeks. Like Michelle Duggar, I had severe preeclampsia (sudden onset), and my baby was severely growth restricted. He was born via emergency c-section (and I mean emergency, medical staff running down the hall as I was rushed into the operating room). He was born limp and blue with no sound weighing just under 700 grams with an apgar score of 1 (and he only got the one because he had a faint heartbeat). After a heart-breakingly long period of resuscitation, they got him intubated and rushed him into the NICU. He later died, never having taken a breath on his own. I consented to the withdrawal of life support and held him in my arms as he passed away.

The pictures were all I have left of my baby. At his funeral, I had a slideshow with pictures of him, his hands, and his feet. I chose not to share any pictures of my son after he passed away (the NICU took some pictures of my baby after he passed away–I still can’t bear to look at these pictures). But if the pictures I did share made anyone uncomfortable or feel weird, well too damn bad. Don’t come to a baby’s funeral. If I was a celebrity or semi-celebrity and thought that my pictures might be publicized, I think I still would have made the same choices.

Until your baby dies or is born stillborn (as the Duggar’s baby was), I don’t think you have ANY idea of the choices you’ll make when you’re faced with such all-consuming crushing grief. If the Duggars want to have a funeral/service or not, their choice. If they want to share pictures of their dead baby or not, their choice. If they want to talk incessantly about their dead baby and grief, or speak to no one about the gaping hole in their heart, their choice. I don’t judge them or anyone else for any choice they make under such horrendous circumstances. May they find peace, and may their daughter rest in peace.

I hope you never have to actually experience a pain like this. Your insensitivity on this and so many other issues is astounding.

Some of you remind me why I do my best to avoid mommy blogs. It’s one thing entirely to have an opinion and share it when asked, but saying things like “I am dissapointed in you” is condescending and rude. Fredericka’s comment says more about her than it does about the subject at hand. Get over yourself. Stop clutching your pearls long enough to at least let go of your own judgements.
The Duggars have every right to grieve the way that they choose, and no one has said otherwise. But let’s not pretend that the actions of people who choose to live a portion of their lives on TV won’t be discussed.

My discomfort with photos of dead people and the distribution of them have absolutely nothing to do with perpetuating a stigma about miscarriage. I have a right to feel this way and voice a non-judgmental opinion, which I feel that I did.

Did you even read what I wrote? Where is the judgment? I voiced my opinion in as careful a way as I could and said the VERY same sentence you wrote: “A grieving family has a right to do anything they want to mourn the loss of a child” but that doesn’t change the fact that I find the distribution of photos, including posting them on the internet, of a dead person uncomfortable. I can say that and not be judgmental. It’s all of you – and your post in particular – that I find to be cruel and the most judgmental.

I find all of those photos disturbing and didn’t look at any of them.

Nobody’s talking about hiding anything. I just think distributing the photos at a funeral and on the internet uncomfortable and yes, weird.

Maryanne, if I suffered a loss I’d probably do the exact thing you did. It’s the handing out of the photos I find uncomfortable and I don’t think I did anything wrong in sharing that opinion while still agreeing that everyone else has a right to mourn in whatever way they see fit.

My opinion is my opinion and doesn’t reflect some blanket Babble policy of what to write about. There are dozens of people writing for Babble and we all write about whatever we want.

1….”this particular way of mourning was upsetting to me personally. Frankly, I’m astounded so many people are judging me simply for sharing my honest to God opinion on this.”

You judged the Duggars. Why can’t people judge your personal opinion?

Shrug.

Re: your fears of being a trainwreck on the internet: Girl, you passed that mark long ago. I love watching you meltdown when somebody dares to suggest that perhaps you said something others might find offensive. What? I’m just giving my opinion! I’m not saying it’s bad or good, that’s just how I feel! I’m not being judgmental and frankly if you say you don’t like it then YOU are the judgmental one. ;)

None of it is wrong. The wrong part is that is is soooo publicized. Its a very private thing. They just seem to be all about attention anymore. That is sad to me.

We all judge– that being said. We base those thoughts on prior actions. The fact that the Duggar family has no problem putting their 19 other children in the national spotlight taints how I view these pictures. It seems bizarre to me that you would take something so personal and throw it up on Twitter or your show’s website. I can’t view them with the purity they were probably meant for, I have to question the motives.

I must also add, I worked with Monica when I miscarried my baby at 12 weeks. She not only comforted me, but made it less awkward when co-workers ask about the baby or forgot about my loss. She is a very kind person…

Well the pics are ok for yourself not really sure why they need to be on TMZ and all of that. I from MD and I watched a new story about a photographer who actually does professional photos of stillborn babies. I thought that was very nice! as for taking the baby home and sleeping with it that seems a bit much however I wasn’t in their place so im not sure how I would handle the situation

If it makes them feel better, than I won’t begrudge them that. A normal non reality tv family can do something like this by sharing it with family and friends and to have a rememberance of their baby and it would not be weird or wrong. The problem and the only thing that creeps me out is because of who they are as a family it went out to the WHOLE world. That is what makes it just a violation of that baby’s privacy and the privacy that a family should be able to have after such a horrific loss.

I can’t help but feel this is attention whoring. If they were doing it just for themselves and their loved ones, I would have no problem with it. But they are doing it for the whole world and I don’t know about that.

I think that little person has a right to be remembered in more than just their parents memories, they were a person after all. They never had the chance to live and be seen, the least we can do is take their picture and let them be seen. She was a beautiful little baby, not something to be hidden. We proudly show off pictures of our living children, I think showing pride in our deceased children through pictures is of great respect to them. To me it says: “These parents loved their daughter so much. They took great pride in her strength to battle for survival and want to show the world her beauty before it fades from memory and into dust”.

I think these photos make people so uncomfortable because they remind us that babies are human beings long before they are born. When it comes to understanding a 20 week fetus, most of us know very little. The most that the general population knows is about what size a pregnant womans belly looks like at that stage, the few sentences that online pregnancy trackers tell us about babies at that stage, crude sketches in the encyclopedia and at best, black and white ultrasound pictures taken at that stage. For a long time I wore a lapel pin on my hat or winter jacket that was to scale and the anatomically correct golden representation of the bottom of feet of a 10 week old fetus. They looked just like little baby feet. People would ask me about the pin and I would answer. I could see the discomfort and confusion in their eyes. They would study the pin for a moment and then quickly look away, making themselves forget about it so that they could continue believing what they wanted to. It’s easier to forget when the feet you see are an unnatural gold color than when they are pink and real. We see the humanity in babies who are but mere 10 and 20 weeks gestational ages, but we still think it’s ok for someone to decide that regardless of their human appearance that it’s ok for someone to willfully end their lives.

“I’m surprised that people refuse to see your balanced rhetoric and tone.”

Ha, ha, nice try.

It isn’t balanced at all to write a public post attacking people for having a picture of their deceased baby’s hand and feet in the funeral program.

And to continually say “photos of dead people” when it wasn’t that at all is just being hateful. Not balanced.

@ Debbie – I don’t understand where in my post you gathered that I said a “little person doesn’t have a right to be remembered”. The ONLY point of this post is that publicly passing around photos of a deceased baby – particularly if you’re in the public eye – makes me uncomfortable and not because it reminds me that babies are human long before they’re born. I’m aware of that. I find photos of anything that has died to be weird. Additionally, I think it’s weird to pass around photos of a 20 week old fetus and post them on a website when you’re very much in the public eye. It feels exploitative to the sweet baby in question and I should be able to carefully express that opinion – which I believe I did – without being hatefully attacked by a legion of judgmental women.

Why on earth did you write this on your personal blog – “Maybe I came off judgy instead of simply voicing my opinion, as I meant to do?” – and then reacted like you have to these comments?!
It’s strange that this feels exploitative to you. You have repeatedly said that you don’t see a problem with reality shows where parents expose their kids’ lifes (the kids obviously can’t decide for themselves). If your kid is alive, go ahead and make as much money as you can!

Monica,
I think people get too stuck on “being judgmental”, we’re all judgmental all the time, it’s not a bad thing, it’s called thinking. The problem is when people are insensitive and mean, and I certainly think your post was insensitive and bordering on mean. I doubt you’d say to a grieving Duggar family at the funeral, “no thanks for the photo, I find it distasteful and weird”.
You’re coming of here, your own blog, and in the comments on Katie’s blog as so defensive. You’re aren’t the victim here, you said things that hurt people’s feelings. If you’re sorry that you’ve hurt people say that, if you don’t mind say nothing. You sound like someone that just needs to mature a little.

@Claudia – I think a lot of y’all are being hypocritical in calling me judgmental while in the same sentence you are heaping judgment upon me. I think my responses to some of your comments, including people bringing up my abortion, are actually very classy considering some of the things you guys are saying.

Also you had to have know that there may be women reading this who had had stillborns and had done something similar to this. The fact that you feel good about stating your opinion that it’s “weird” is exactly why you seem immature to me. There’s nothing very interesting about that opinion, nothing that you could have thought people were going to learn from, it’s just kind of catty.

It’s not that I find those photos weird or disturbing but I must admit, I cringed a bit. Just the thought of a tiny baby like that being dead. Period. My family has taken pictures in the past of people at funerals in their casket but never would they ever “tweet” them or hand them out to people. Maybe the fact that this IS a family who is famous is what the hullabaloo is about?

As a side note, Monica, I honestly feel like about 75% of the people who are commenting you and being extremely harsh towards you are simply jealous. Just keep in mind that even THEY are reading your stuff on here, which I find fantastic… Let the haters hate, you still get paid! :-)

For parents who have lost children, hearing others, especially non-bereaved parents, discuss their *discomfort* with a newly bereaved parent’s mourning practices is bound to raise hackles. Your or my or anyone else’s *feelings* about this family’s choices in early mourning are immaterial. How parents choose to process grief at the death of a child is their choice, their decision, their prerogative. To call this into question is insensitive.

As a bereaved parent myself, I can tell you: I would never comment on another parent’s mourning rituals, however uncomfortable I might feel. The way people cope with their grief has nothing to do with me; it is deeply narcissistic to critique others’ choices for the alleged impact these choices might have on total strangers. If one is personally disturbed by photos of the deceased or their extremities, one has the choice not to look at them. The sensitive thing to do, however, is to refrain from passing judgment, and keep our opinions to ourselves. That is what’s kind; that is what’s appropriate.

And if you are fortunate enough to have never lost a child to miscarriage, stillbirth, or death, I urge you to feel grateful life has spared you this particular tragedy, and to withhold commentary on how you might act in the event of such misfortune. From the tone and tenor of your post, it is clear that you do not know what you do not know.

I also think you were insensitive. I have reread your post to try and find the point were I felt you were being insensivtive and it still isnt clear. I think for women who have miscarried or have had stillborn babies this will always be sensitive on this topic. I am one of them. Twins who were 30w2d. We took pictures. I was unconfortable with it at the time but I knew later I would need those photo’s. You had to know some of your readers would fall into this catagory. So to have such a strong opionion of the Duggars taking pictures and handing them out all the while never feeling the terrible loss of your baby is what may be so insensitive. You clearly mention you dont know how you would grieve this kind of loss, which BTW that is a great place to be in. So maybe this is one topic where you just dont say anything at all.

I have to say that I am more than a bit shocked with the comments on here. I read the Monica’s article and I understood exactly where she was coming from. I personally do not have any problem with the way that any person needs to grieve a loss. However I do find it odd that a family that is so in the spotlight would choose to share such personal and private images knowing full well that the media would eventually get their hands on them(and please do not think that these people do not have handlers of some sort, TLC would not risk their name). We are all on here more than willing to pass our own judgement but take a look in the mirror. We use only or first names or a screen-name. Monica had the guts to state an OPINION on a subject that most of us would not dare share with our close friends. Yes this is a emotional topic that most do not understand unless we have been there, but such is life. Think before you write or you are no better than what you criticize.

Have all of you all lost your minds???
Nowhere in this post has Monica expressed an opinion—she described her feelings. You all do know what an opinion is right? It IS a judgment as it is not something that has empirical facts supporting it. Go ahead, look it up…I’ll wait.

Then, in what can only be described as perverted grief many of you fall all over yourselves in describing when you lost your children and seem to want to outdo yourselves in your descriptions of grief, all the while telling Monica she has no right to her…feelings? She has no right to express a feeling, because yours are bigger, better, stronger, sadder feelings? THIS is how you honor your dead children??????

People, you do know this is a commercial blog right? That means that Monica gets paid by page views. That means every time we come back to click the page Monica gets paid. Monica has a personal blog for which she does not get paid. She links to this blog from it, she asks people to come to Babble and click, you do, you pay her salary. She described feelings about a current event, asks for feedback and you provide it. She feeds back your feedback and Christmas is saved.

First of all who r u people to judge? 2nd have you ever lost a precious child or loved one? Call me sick to but I have pictures of my parents in casket and other loved ones. Would u want to be forgotten.? Hey they passed we don’t need to remember them. Who r u fooling? I think the pictures the Duggars have are totally awsome, and they can have them forever to cherish. Those of you that want to judge you will be judged one day. They ask no one for anything so why judge? Actually they help others. Do you or is your job just to judge and complain. Trust me if you take care of your own business and the problems you have to deal with daily you will not have time to worry what the Duggars or anyone else does. Make sure your front porch is clean before you judge them.
Thank you for listening and I hope God gives you the peace to let others live there life and you live yours, God Bless All of you. I have been judged all my life over being overweight. What I would give to be able to go have the lapband. I can’t but that’s my problems not yours shall I judge you? Shall i send all the hate. Absolutely not if it’s meant to be it will happen. I will not blame others or God. Judgement day does not scare me but all this judging by everyone should scare them for judgement.