Being Pregnant
I Have Three Kids and Yes I Still Want More
Last week I wrote about the continued discussion in my marriage on the topic of adding more children to our family. I was looking for advice on a pro/con list and wondering if there really ever is a ‘better time’ or a perfect family size. While I realize every family is different, has different goals and customs for their families it always helps me to hear different perspectives and different dynamics from other families.
When I opened up the discussion I was asked in the comment section why I wanted to have more children when I already have three kids. While I was not expected to be asked that question, writing for a platform like Being Pregnant - I have to be open to these type of questions. I am sure the person who commented is not the only one wondering – just the only one forward enough to ask – so I thought I would take a crack at answering why I want to have more kids.
It is not exactly the easiest question to answer – it’s more of a feeling then anything I can really tangibly put into words. One of the reasons we have this discussion often in our marriage is because we want to make sure they are for the right reasons. There are tangible reasons why we could add to our family – health issues I have get temporarily better when I am pregnant, one last chance to be pregnant and experience all that goes with pregnancy, the feeling of someone missing possibly linked to our miscarriages. Those are not the reasons to have a child. Those are not my reasons for wanting another family member.
Yes, the feelings about those are here in my mind - but I want a child … not to be pregnant, not to feel better and not to replace those I’ve lost.
I come from a family with four children. I watched how busy and chaotic things got at times for my parents. I also know how much fun growing up was having two brothers and a sister. I also know how much I cherish my relationships with my siblings now that I am older. I have grown up thinking I would like to have five children when I grew up and while I realize five might not be ideal for our family (due to our family’s age spacing, career goals etc) I do believe that adding another child to our family can have a positive effect.
For the most part though it honestly is just a feeling. A strong one that no matter how much I try to talk myself out of it – that feeling is there.
:: How did you decide how large you would like your family to be? ::
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5 Comments
Ruth commented on Nov 25 11 at 9:37 amWe want three. Not for a specific reason, but more because two doesn’t “feel” like enough and four would be too many. Three just felt like the perfect number. Since we lost Corbin, technically we will have four, but three will be with us. I have to be very careful though, since I have had two c-sections already, I can only have one more. So if our next child medically requires a c-section, then we will have to stop then.
We have a lot to think about but we still want more!
Christa commented on Nov 25 11 at 12:21 pmI like this article! I think about it often… how big our family will be and when it’s time to stop adding to it. I have 3 boys and and we are expecting #4 next month. We don’t know the gender but parts of me feel like it’s a boy and I will always have the desire to try for that girl. But then some days I wonder if I’m being selfish?? Do I need a girl? or do I just want a daughter? Will our family be complete if we had a girl? who knows?? I know I can’t be the only one going through these emotions on occasion. But right now it feels right to have another baby, our 4th child. When I was growing up I always thought it would be awesome to have a couple siblings and a big family. Well here I am now in my early 30′s making my own big family :)
hannah commented on Nov 25 11 at 5:20 pmI want more, but I’ve only had one yet, so I’m not in the hem’n'haw stage of deciding. My favorite testimony on the subject is the story of a woman who was speaking at a graduation and telling how she had her three and was deciding about ‘shutting things down’ permanently. She twice got as far as an appointment for surgery, but both times just didn’t feel right about it. So they waited and several years later she got pregnant with her daughter. Then she felt fine and had the surgery. She didn’t ‘want’ another, hadn’t ‘planned’ but was so grateful for that last one. So I think using that ‘feeling’ about how big your family is gonna be is a good way, and maybe better than some. :)
Lori commented on Nov 27 11 at 8:21 amI always “had a feeling” that I wanted 3 kids. # 3 will be here on Dec 5th. This feeling was solidified for me when a very close friend died in a car accident when I was 25. He had 1 sibling and a fairly small extended family. There will come a time in his sisters life when there are very few people left to share family memories w/. I am not close w/ my brothers but I know they are there if I need anything and I know there are things that I can say to them about my parents and they will understand better than anyone else in the world. I want there to be as little of a chance as possible that my children will be left all alone in the world. There is also the added bonus that when I am older should they ever have to make decisions for my husband or I that they will not have to do it alone.
We are currently not sure if we will want a 4th child but I absolutely know I don’t want 5. On the reverse side of the coin I feel like the more kids I have the better chance there will be of me losing one of my children or of one of them going down a wrong path and my losing them in that way. It is a completely irrational fear but it is there in my mind none the less. Plus there would need to be larger houses, cars, college funds, etc… Money is always a factor in these decisions.
Lori commented on Nov 27 11 at 8:24 amI more thing I will add is that I had a close friend say to me “you will never regret having another child but you may regret that you did not”. This is such a true statement and I have just never had the “feeling” that I was done yet.
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