Being Pregnant
Should I Feel Bad About This?
Now that the cat is out of the bag the first thing I hear after congrats is, “how are you feeling?” I’m not annoyed by this question. I think it’s nice that people care for my well-being, but I’m always a little nervous to answer.
See, I had a smooth first trimester. Let me make that an extremely smooth trimester. I had no morning sickness, could still eat pretty much what I wanted (although what I wanted was carbs and more carbs) and generally felt the same except I was tired. I attribute this to the fact that my body has never had trouble handling hormone changes (hello Clomid), it’s in my genes and I was able to sleep as much as I wanted. I’ve also heard, “You had to work hard enough to become pregnant so you’re being blessed,” which is a nice thought but can’t so much be scientifically proven.
Why I’m afraid to tell people this is because it’s generally moms who are asking and I’m uncertain of what their pregnancy experience was like. If they had a pretty easy first trimester their response is, “That’s great.” If they had a very bumpy first trimester they are not afraid to share their horror stories and make you feel like you haven’t experienced what it’s really like to be pregnant unless you’re so nauseous you can’t leave the couch for three months straight. Why is this the first reaction? I guess we like to relate to people we are talking to by sharing our own stories, but I don’t want to feel guilty because I’m pregnant and not sick.
So what do I do so I don’t feel bad? I start off by saying, “I’m so blessed…” so at least I come off gracious about my experience so far. And even if I had been sick, I would still feel like the most blessed person in the world right now.
If you had an easy first trimester, did you ever feel bad about admitting it to people?
image: The Daybook
Go Back To Being Pregnant
23 Comments
Emily commented on Oct 27 11 at 3:45 pmyou should definitely not feel bad for telling the truth about how you are feeling! I think you will realize as your pregnancy processes that you will have some symptoms that other women have, and you won’t have others – that doesn’t make you better, or worse, or less “worthy” – it’s just individual!!!
So, yes, being grateful for having a great first trimester is warranted, but please oh please don’t feel guilty about it! Soak it up, enjoy every second :D
(I also had an easy first trimester.. and am now in my third, going strong… but as I said, we all have our own grab bag of pregnancy symptoms and experiences – just as we each have our own road to conception.)
http://shouldbethebeginning.com commented on Oct 27 11 at 3:47 pmLet me ask you this: if a woman tells you that she got pregnant easily (or even accidentally), do you expect her to feel badly because you had some fertility challenges that required an extra effort to overcome? I would kinda doubt that you’d feel that way; similarly, I don’t think you should feel guilty expressing an easy, complication-free first trimester. Just because some women have a harder time than others, doesn’t mean that those who enjoy easier aspects to pregnancy/birth/child raising should feel guilty for that experience. You should commit to feeling good because you feel good, and don’t worry about what others *may* be thinking. Because none of us know what’s around the bend for us in life, it’s a pity to waste a relatively easy, happy, period of time feeling guilty about it.
Barb commented on Oct 27 11 at 4:41 pmWith my first pregnancy, all of my trimesters were amazing, I hardly gained weight, didn’t look pregnant from behind, had no problem with water retention, no stretch marks and had an amazing 3 hour labour from start to finish… In short my friends and random strangers all hated me.
This time around I’ve been nauseous constantly even with diclectin, and started vomitting a lot when my second semester started (even with the drugs). I’ve had to increase my dosage and it sucks because it’s expensive. Thanks to my stomach’s aversion to digesting food the weight gain is slow this time and I’m hopeful that all the nausea means its a sister for my little guy!
So ENJOY the lack of symptoms, heck revel in them! And when people start to complain to you, tell them that you might not be do lucky the next time around!!! I was actually afraid to get pregnant again for the longest time because I was sure it couldn’t be so easy again!
sarahh commented on Oct 27 11 at 4:44 pmI had a relatively easy first trimester (I still feel the need to knock on wood) – though I’m so glad to not be as repulsed by smells (except garlic, still can’t stand that) and to be able to eat chicken again. :-) Some people seem to take any shared condition (pregnancy, cancer treatment, stomach bug, hangnail) as an invitation to share the goriest details of whatever they went through or are going through – I like to think it’s just that they don’t think first. Or, in the case of a lack of morning sickness vs. terrible morning sickness, maybe they need to feel like they earned something more special by having a harder time. ;-)
Katie commented on Oct 27 11 at 4:49 pmI can definitely see where you’re coming from. Here was my experience: I had a very, very easy first trimester. Same as you. Overwhelming fatigue, but no sickness and no real food aversions. I was very tired, but that doesn’t even seem like a complaint anymore.
At 12 weeks I went to the ER for a ruptured ovarian cyst. Basically the worst pain you can feel in that area outside of childbirth. Every nurse, doctor, and midwife was convinced the pregnancy was ectopic based on my pain. So, emotionally, that was rough. Everything turned out fine and I was released after a morphine drip. Was still in a lot of pain for the next few days, but eventually was restored.
At 20 weeks we found out the baby had a congenital defect in his cord. He would need surgery immediately following birth, which means induction or c-section for me in a different city than I live. He would have a NICU stay of at least 4-6 weeks. This was the most devastating news I could have heard as a first time mom. I don’t think I stopped crying for a week. We were to be monitored every four weeks by the high-risk OB. At our next appointment (24 weeks), the defect had miraculously corrected itself. We had a final check at 28 weeks to verify that we could proceed with a normal, vaginal birth and that the baby would not need immediate surgery. I consider August to have been a black pit of death but every other moment of this year has been amazing. But I would, in a heartbeat, take three months of intense morning sickness over the emotional instability I felt during that four-week period.
Long story short: every pregnancy is different. When people ask how I’m feeling (now 31 weeks), I always say “I shouldn’t complain… but I do.” Physically, this has been a very tolerable seven months (thus far). Emotionally, though…. It’s like the saying: Be Kind… Everyone You Meet is Fighting a Hard Battle.
katie commented on Oct 27 11 at 5:23 pmI think you’re right with starting with “I feel so blessed….”
You never know, if you were sick as a dog, people might say, “well you really wanted it” or something dumb.
erniebufflo commented on Oct 27 11 at 5:28 pmHow you feel is how you feel. You didn’t make it happen this way, it’s just the way it is. I’ve had a fairly easy 1st tri, but I’ve been really exhausted, and had a lot of dry-heaves but no actual puking. When I tell some folks that I haven’t puked at all in 13 weeks, some of them seem almost mad at me, but I know they’re really just mad that they had to puke all the time, which I’d be mad about too! You can’t make yourself have a different experience just to make others feel well. And just because things could be worse doesn’t mean being tired all the time doesn’t suck.
Andrea commented on Oct 27 11 at 6:29 pmCurrently going through first trimester hell and praying it will be over soon (officially in trimester two now) and I completely envy your experience. I never expected my body would take it this bad, although one very good doctor did warn me once. Vomiting, Diarhoea, headaches, heartburn, insomnia, emotional fruitcake…..Awesome fun.
I think it is wonderful to know that not everyone has to go through a nightmare time. As ErnieBufflo said above, it is what it is. It’s a pot luck and you got good luck, don’t feel bad about it, revel in it!!!
At the end of the day, if all goes ok, we will have kicking, gurgling, screaming, sleeping, pooping babies, and that is all that really counts.
Kate commented on Oct 28 11 at 10:02 amIt’s awful that other people can make you feel bad about yourself, isn’t it? I was the same as you. I felt great, and people seemed mad about it. Most of my friends have felt great too, and a stranger even tried to tell one friend that there was something wrong with her baby, because she wasn’t nauseated (the ignorance of this just kills me!) when in reality, only about half of pregnant women experience nausea. So it’s *very* common for women to feel great! Celebrate it, take great care of your little nugget, and just keep smiling to all those strangers! So happy for you.
Rachel commented on Oct 28 11 at 10:42 amEvery pregnancy is so different, it is a wonder that women try to compare their experiences at all! My entire first pregnancy was difficult, my second pregnancy was a breeze, and now my third pregnancy is a mixed bag. Just like the children that result from each pregnancy, each person/experience is incredibly unique! I agree with the other commenters here–to feel guilty about such a deeply personal experience is a waste of time. Just enjoy these months for what they are–an awesome and very personal time in your life :)
Leah commented on Oct 28 11 at 2:07 pmI would of loved never to had a symptom or weight gain with all of my kids..lol..I felt like death was at my door step with my first 3 pregnancies…just looming out side of the door…I had to be hospitalized with the first 2 pregnancies because of severe vomiting and dehydration…now I am 41 and having TWINS…my 6 wks-12 wks…were awful …I lost 6 lbs and was very sick..I feared this was gonna be a repeat of my first 3…but then all of a sudden..I started feeling better and I still get sick but not very often…I am tired alot..but I don’t sleep well at night…all in all…this time around has been great !! every pregnancy is different for everyone..enjoy it as much as you can !
Tammy M. commented on Oct 28 11 at 3:00 pmI had TWO pregnancies where I ended up hospitalized for dehydration due to morning (all day) sickness. This third and final one has been easier. I’m exhausted…I work full time plus have two kids, a husband, cat & dog to go home to, but I’m not puking (past the first couple of days when I found out I was pregnant). I can’t eat too much sweet stuff, but I don’t need to anyway. I do get headaches, but even those are getting better. I’m almost 18 weeks pregnant.
Enjoy your pregnancy…especially since you aren’t puking every 15 minutes!!!
laura commented on Oct 28 11 at 4:44 pmI did not have an easy first trimester, but all I can say is that I’m jealous!! You should feel bad. Everyone has a different experience. Just enjoy the ride.
Lauri (Redheadrecipes.com) commented on Oct 28 11 at 6:52 pmI pretty much had the EXACT same experience as you during my first trimester–> tired, no nausea/vomiting, mostly wanted carbs and more carbs, no breast tenderness… NOTHING major! It actually made me MORE paranoid to NOT have symptoms, I kept thinking something was wrong (I even took 7 pregnancy tests over the first few weeks bc I kept thinking there must be a mistake!) We are now 16weeks and I still feel about the same, except I am ready to eat my veggies again :)
I don’t really fell bad or guilty that I had an easy first trimester because we certainly cannot help how our bodies react to pregnancy… Its not like we ‘didn’t feel bad on purpose’ or something! I am a worrier though and I get very nervous at each check-up! Hope all continues to go well and best wishes to you!
Treva commented on Oct 28 11 at 7:48 pmLove this post and love that you are so sensitive to the people you are talking to, but some part of me wishes that we wouldn’t always have to explain, apologize or anticipate everything for everyone because of our own circumstances. You know? Why should you feel badly about feeling good? It makes no sense. Why can’t we just say “i feel great” and have the response be “wow, cool, because I felt horrible.” and everyone be ok with that? I now it’s asking too much and it is probably coming across as really insensitive and nasty-pants, but seriously, why does your good news have to be someone else’s bad news? Or someone else’s bad news (being sick) become your worse news (that you haven’t suffered enough to really validate your pregnancy)? It doesn’t seem fair. Ok, off to eat candy. That should help the situation.
Nicole commented on Oct 29 11 at 1:25 amDon’t feel bad! All pregnancies are different. I had nine months of severe morning sickness with my first, hyperemisis with my second, and only a teeny bit of nausea with my third. Different little humans…different hormones… The older I get the more I realise that life is a mixed bag. For instance, though I had severe morning sickness with my first, I had NO stretch marks and an awesome waterbirth at home. So don’t worry about what you should be feeling or what is considered normal by other people. Just enjoy your pregnancy for what it is. x
nancy commented on Oct 30 11 at 6:12 pmI know where you’re coming from. I just had my first 7 weeks ago and had an incredibly smooth first trimester – no puking, no nausea, just HUNGRY (for carbs too! i lived on mac and cheese). And some people would make me feel bad about it. It’s like, really? Did you want me to suffer? Anyway, I think you’re phrasing things in a nice way. Enjoy the rest of the pregnancy and congratulations…it really is the best thing ever.
Caryn commented on Oct 30 11 at 10:26 pmSo the first time I read this post, I didn’t think to comment because I’ve been on the opposite side of the spectrum from your experience. But yesterday I realized that I’m having a similar problem. I had a terrible first trimester and still struggle off and on going into month four. But I don’t feel I can be honest when people ask either because I feel like I’m complaining about something that I hoped and prayed for so hard. It is a blessing no matter what form it takes but that is hard to communicate like you said. I do think people just want to relate their experiences and don’t mean to make you feel bad. I just want to be honest when people ask how I’m feeling but most of the time i downplay it because I will do anything for this kid, even if it means hugging the toilet. :) I’m so glad you had a great first trimester, Melanie. Enjoy every day!
Julie commented on Oct 31 11 at 7:39 pmI don’t feel bad at all when I hear someone has had an easy pregnancy! I was very sick all the way through pregnancy. In fact, I was certain that I was pregnant because of the extreme fatigue and nausea I was experiencing before I even took a pregnancy test. I was sick (requiring medication for nausea) until at least the 26th week, when I could finally stop taking the medication around the clock (but I still couldn’t eat whatever I wanted). I counted myself lucky that I never had to be hospitalized, and I never felt bad because someone else had it easier than me. I also don’t think it’s complaining to tell people that you are nauseous when they ask how you’re feeling. Everyone’s body reacts differently, and if they are asking how you are feeling, I think they probably care enough about you to want to know and won’t think you’re just complaining. (That being said, my husband was convinced that morning sickness was “all in my head” until I started throwing up multiple times in one day and subsequently got a prescription for it.)
All that is to say, I’m so glad that you have been feeling well!
Heather commented on Oct 31 11 at 10:23 pmI understand completely! I had a very easy pregnancy- no morning sickness, didn’t stress myself out, didn’t get stretch marks, didn’t get swollen and puffy (except in my belly). My mom told me not to tell people b/c they would hate me. I think she was half-joking.
Honestly though- I just embraced it and tried to live in the moment. I know some folks had/have a terrible, awful, no good time but I was lucky and I am not ashamed of that. :) I’m so happy that you are having a good go of it and I hope it continues. My favorite stretch was 5-7 months. Once 7 set in I got a little achy but that’s when you milk the “I’m the mother of your unborn child” stuff to get back and foot rubs. :)
Laura commented on Nov 01 11 at 7:28 amOpps, I totally meant to put that you SHOULDN’T feel bad in my comment above! Sorry!!
Salem commented on Nov 11 11 at 5:15 pmI can understand where you’re coming from but please don’t feel guilty. I was really sick in the first 18 weeks of my pregnancy. It was no fun and I would never wish that on anyone! Everyone’s body is different and responds differently so enjoy the fact that you feel so well!
Persy commented on Dec 27 11 at 2:15 pmI had a terrible first trimester in my first pregnancy. I had hyperemesis (which fortunately only lasted the first trimester) and thought I was going to die for two months straight.
If you tell me you had a trouble-free first trimester, I will be thrilled for you. I don’t want anyone to go through what I dealt with! If you were miserable, I will commiserate with you, but you should never apologize for feeling good. If you’re actually my friend, I would much rather you feel great than be miserable just so we had the same bad experience.
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