Being Pregnant
Waiting for the Other Shoe
I found out that I was pregnant over 5 weeks ago and somehow I’m still surprised every time I say it out loud. It just feels like it can’t possibly be true.
From the instant I told my husband he has been completely over the moon and I guess that’s one of the things I love about him. He feels things without abandon. He is just entirely happy, he doesn’t seem to get the idea of being guarded since it’s still early, he’s just so very happy. It’s nice to watch, but it’s hard to live with.
A lot of the worrying, the being excited but with great caution, has fallen onto my shoulders. I’m sure he worries too, but it’s not something he discusses and so my worries feel very solitary.
I find myself constantly waiting for something bad to happen. Every single ache and (usually gas) pain, sends me into terror. It’s hard to let myself be excited at all because I’m so afraid that the first time I try to be excited without abandon is the day something bad will happen. I absolutely refuse to buy anything for the baby or for myself because I feel like I’m jinxing it. We got (lovely) gifts from my family this weekend and I wanted to hide them, to make sure that fate or God or whoever is in control of this, didn’t notice.
I feel like I’m just waiting for the other tiny baby shoe to drop.
Monday was the worst day of morning sickness I’ve had to date, Tuesday and today have been worlds better. And instead of celebrating, I find myself worried. Surely having good days is bad news. I cannot begin to count how many times I’ve pushed on my boobs to make sure they’re still sore. As if boob soreness is a perfect indicator of fetal development.
And I think a part of the excess worry is because we didn’t really try to get pregnant. I’m not saying it to brag and I realize how lucky we are. But it’s almost like, because we didn’t have to work for it, I feel like at some point our luck is going to run out. At some point the fact that this happened so easily is going to catch up with us. As if karma has to even itself out.
When my mind is free to wander I find myself constantly trying to come up with excuses to have another ultrasound. I just want to find anyway to get another peek, another way to be sure that everything is still okay. The real reason I’m doing the first trimester screen and ultrasound is because I want the reassurance, not because I really want the screen. I want another look, another reassurance that there’s a baby in there, growing and thriving.
I know that these worries aren’t unique to me, I just feel so bogged down by them. There’s not a spare moment when it’s not on my mind. I know that worrying is something that comes with the territory of parenting, but I guess I had hoped I’d get to enjoy a little more peace of mind in the last months before we enter that realm.
I don’t know how many ultrasounds or how many pregnancy symptoms it’s going to take until I can let my guard down, but until then I’ll be waiting and worrying, just in case that other shoe drops.
Go Back To Being Pregnant
6 Comments
dearcrissy commented on Oct 06 11 at 12:10 amIt is a lot to worry and think about in those first few weeks, that’s for sure. I think we all go through it, and while you will begin to relax more as you settle into the pregnancy, there is always paranoia and worry.
Just wait until you have the baby, there’s even MORE paranoia and worry. :) Is he eating enough? Is this poop normal!?
Good luck weathering your first trimester!
Devan McGuinness commented on Oct 06 11 at 12:16 amPregnancy can be so scary & i can see how if you didnt have to ‘work’ to get pregnant you might worry more. it seems like it should be something ‘hard’ to do. Bodies are awesome though :) truly miraculous. There’s always something to worry about but try not to let that overwhelm you. Good luck with morning sickness & the first trimester!
Amanda commented on Oct 06 11 at 8:40 amI completely understand how you feel. With my first baby I was the same exact way because we conceived him unexpectedly. I finally found some relief and was able to really rejoice in the process once I felt those first movements. From that point on it seemed like any time I worried that “oh wow I haven’t felt him move for a while” he would be like “Oh sorry mom” and move a ton to reassure me he was there! And now with my second one (planned) its the same thing. The moment I think I haven’t felt him in awhile he starts moving like crazy! So I hope once you get to that point to you will be able to find some piece of mind! Best of luck to you!
kat commented on Oct 06 11 at 9:22 amI have been feeling the EXACT same way. I am early in my first pregnancy, and if I don’t feel symptoms, I am worried. If I do feel symptoms, I am worried. Last week, every now and then, I had some mild cramping (sort of like menstrual cramps that lasted for maybe 5 seconds at a time) that worried me, so I called the nurse at my doctor’s office and she told me that was normal. Now that cramping has gone away, and I’m worried because it’s gone. I also keep feeling my boobs to make sure they are still sore. lol
I have always been an anxious person, so I’m not surprised. But I was so worried about actually getting pregnant that I never thought about how scary actually being pregnant could be! Goodness!
kiki commented on Oct 06 11 at 2:34 pmThe way I looked at it, I would be devastated if something happened with this pregnancy (I’m almost 14 weeks along) regardless of whether I was worried all of the time, or if I both tried to and allowed myself to be excited. It’s my 3rd pregnancy this year, so that doesn’t help… but I’d so very much rather be excited and make plans (I still catch myself saying “if all goes well” sometimes, and I’ve knocked on so much wood that my knuckles are starting to develop callouses, but still…). Telling people a couple of weeks ago was the biggest help for me – we were able to hear the heartbeat just before 11 weeks, so figured we should just tell people, and everyone was just so excited and happy for us that I found it contagious.
I wish you the best of luck with everything, a happy and healthy rest of your 9 months, and good luck with the morning sickness! :)
Kate commented on Oct 07 11 at 7:14 pmI’m still feeling this way at 20 weeks, but I’m trying to adopt the same mindset as Kiki. I think the fact that it was easyish for us (3rd cycle off BC, without capital T Trying) added to that too. Telling people and spending time with people who assumed things were going to be OK was the best thing for me- I always felt relaxed for a few days after talking to my best friend or my sister.
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