Being Pregnant
There Always Has to Be a One-Upper
I was discouraged the other day when a friend who had gone through a lot to get pregnant (numerous miscarriages, surgery, a couple years of waiting) announced the joyful news that she was expecting and another woman who had also gone through a lot infertility-wise made a remark along the lines of, “I can’t believe you ever worried that you wouldn’t get pregnant. What you went through was nothing compared to what I went through.” I was paraphrasing. It didn’t come out quite that harsh but it was close.
On one hand, I can see where she was coming from. Her infertility was never explained, it took over five years before they were able to become pregnant and that was though IVF. And everybody who’s gone through infertility knows that it’s difficult to hear when someone else is pregnant.
On the other hand, I kind of wanted to slap her.
Although everybody who can’t conceive naturally within a year of trying religiously is bundled under the fun label of infertile, all of our stories are widely different. Some of the issues are easily fixed within a couple months while others wait years. Some of the issues are explained and some aren’t. Some of us end up experiencing the joy of pregnancy and some of us do not. But just because your journey was longer and what you presume as more difficult, doesn’t make the pain of infertility any less for another person.
Please recognize that and keep your hurtful comments to yourself. We’re in this together and we all need support not resentment.
image: Sydney Poulton
Go Back To Being Pregnant
6 Comments
sarahh commented on Sep 09 11 at 6:41 pmWow, that’s pretty bad. As a general rule, it’s a good reminder to not compare what we go through to anyone else – pain, struggle, and hardship are all relative. And congrats to your friend! :-)
alismith commented on Sep 09 11 at 8:44 pmSomebody’s always got it worse, and they like to make it known. This is good for me to hear; I hope not to be this way (though in other facets of life, not infertility).
I think you show a lot of strength and maturity to be writing on this blog, and surrounding yourself with pregnancy news everyday, Melanie. I’m not sure I could have done it, and my hat’s off to you.
Leslie commented on Sep 09 11 at 9:54 pmMelanie, I really enjoy your articles. They speak to me on many different levels. I was struggling with infertility and was told that we would have to go through IVF to get pregnant to find out we actually became pregnant the week we were told. When sharing our news we have been met with a lot of “and you thought you were infertile”, “You thought you would never have a baby” like all of our struggles were in my head. I feel like in some small way you are bringing to the mainstream on how to handle infertility politely and I for one truly appreciate it.
EffInf commented on Sep 10 11 at 5:17 amI agree that these comparisons should never, ever be made in public, although it can be hard not to make them in our heads. Everyone’s journey is difficult.
However, I would argue that those whose treatments are never successful may actually experience more pain, as their pain is never lessened by a child.
Barbara commented on Sep 10 11 at 12:37 pmWell, I guess some people just don’t have a filter!
FellowInfertile commented on Dec 22 11 at 7:42 pmI was actually told by someone going through infertility that I don’t “hurt as bad” as her because I haven’t done injectables even though I’ve been trying over a year longer than her (3.5 years) with more failed treatment cycles (7 medicated, 3 IUIs). She told me it all didn’t matter until I’d done injectables (she did 1 donated round with timed intercourse)… She intentionally hurt me and it was awful! I don’t think I can ever forgive her or her ugly personality.
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