Being Pregnant
Two Sons, Two Different Decisions
When my son was born nearly five years ago, the topic of circumcision was one that was mounting, though it wasn’t nearly as much of hot topic as it is now in 2011. The decisions surrounding the birth of my first child were focused around whether or not to get an epidural, finding a decent pediatrician, and how exactly I was going to vaccinate my son. My birth plan requested a serene atmosphere filled with the music of our choice, my staunch refusal of any formula supplementation, and how many people exactly that I wanted in the room when my son arrived.
Circumcision simply wasn’t something that was high on my radar in terms of research, and we made a purely emotional decision to circumcise him so that he would look like his father. In complete and total honestly, I personally have never seen an uncut penis, so the thought was not only foreign to me but seemed “abnormal”. The one thing that we stress so much about as new parents is making sure our child is “normal” and healthy, and somehow feel as though we can control it before we become parents. I didn’t want my son starting out on the wrong foot, so to speak.
When Jack was born, the most traumatic moment of those first few days wasn’t the three-foot-long needle they stuck in my back, or the fact that he was born with meconium aspiration, or the excruciating pain & emotional stress when he wouldn’t nurse. The very worst part of those first few days in the hospital was his circumcision. He was a bloody, screaming mess — and so was I. I couldn’t believe that I had put my brand new, perfect baby through such a medically unnecessary, painful procedure. It was nearly more than I could handle. It took everything I had to remind myself that this was a typical procedure and his recovery would be swift and ultimately the most appropriate decision for our family.
We are due to welcome our second son in a few short months, and my views surrounding circumcision have changed drastically. I have done research, spoken to parents, looked at the statistics and read up on circumcision until I was comfortable making the decision this time around.
In December, 2011 we plan to bring our completely intact son home from the hospital. He will look different than his older brother, and he will look different than his father. His sister will most likely be the only person that will be bold enough to say anything out loud, but that will be something he’ll have to get used to anyway. My only reservation about not circumcising this time around was the fact that he would wouldn’t look like the other males in his family, but honestly I don’t believe that it will affect him adversely and if it does he can make that decision on his own when he is old enough.
It is predicted that in 2014, circumcised boys will be in the minority in the United States. While my generation is vastly different, I am open-minded enough to consider the fact that the way things were routinely done for years doesn’t make it the only reason to agree to do something; especially inflicting pain upon a brand new baby for medically unnecessary and mostly cosmetic reasons.
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36 Comments
mrs.d commented on Sep 08 11 at 7:34 pmAlthough I don’t have children, this is a decision my husband and I have already made. For me it’s easy – my husband is not circumcised, and neither will any sons of mine be. My sister just circumcised her little boy, because her husband is and he wanted the procedure done, and that choice works for them and their family.
anna ~ randomhandprints.com commented on Sep 08 11 at 8:25 pmI think it is important to note that for many Jewish people the decision to circumcise is a religious one, which has a value of it’s own that has nothing to do with the medical and cosmetic reasons discussed here.
Jill commented on Sep 09 11 at 12:56 amI left my son as he was intended. “Aesthetics” just wasn’t a valid enough reason for me to choose a medically unnecessary procedure on his behalf. I stand by my decision and am against the circumcision of girls and boys.
Dan Bollinger commented on Sep 09 11 at 7:21 amParents considering infant circumcision should REALLY check out Circumcision Decision-Maker. It takes you through your reasons for wanting circumcision one at a time and then gives you some expert opinion. It also has information on penis anatomy, how the foreskin develops, circumcision, and care of the intact penis including washing instructions.
snakecharmer commented on Sep 09 11 at 11:48 amWe’re pregnant with our second and have decided that if it’s a boy that we won’t circumsize. We aren’t a member of any religion that includes circumcision as a right of passage. My brothers and my husband are all circumsized but that was done automatically when pretty much all little boys were. I think that that practice (they’ve stopped doing this in Canada) has left a generation wondering about the aesthetics because they’ve never seen an uncut penis and people have forgotten what it looks like naturally.
Brittany commented on Sep 09 11 at 4:11 pmMy fiance and his four year old son are both uncut. I made the decision on my own that if I was having a boy that he would be. It is just more sanitary. Boys do not pull their foreskin back to go pee so all that gunk gets trapped in there. Also a boy who doesnt know how to clean himself properly will get infections much easier. They also have increased risk for urinary tract infections. And as I was told in my parenting class in high school by a woman whose night job was as a newborn nursery nurse, if you can’t get a boy to wash behind his ears, how do you expect him to clean his foreskin?
Liz Bunch commented on Sep 09 11 at 4:20 pmMy son (who is 7 months old) was circumcised before we left the hospital. I know it isn’t considered medically necessary, but it was a big deal to my husband that our son have the procedure done. I am happy to say that we had no difficulties with it whatsoever. According to the doctor and nurse our son didn’t even cry. Honestly, I don’t think it is a big deal either way. If one family wants it done, that’s fine. If another family doesn’t feel comfortable with it, then that’s fine too. But the bottom line is, it’s nobody’s business but the the parents.
Mel commented on Sep 09 11 at 4:20 pmI have European roots. We don’t cut, it isn’t done culturally in Europe. It is a US culture thing. It’s the equivalent of getting your newborn a barbed wire tattoo on his upper arm. It is outdated.
Liz Bunch commented on Sep 09 11 at 4:40 pmJust because one culture does something different than another doesn’t mean you have to belittle it! Some people want it done, others don’t. Ultimately it’s no one’s business but the family’s. Jewish families do it, and so do a lot of Christian families. For a lot of people it’s more than a cosmetic thing, it has religious symbolism and is important to them.
Michele commented on Sep 09 11 at 6:36 pmI won’t be circumcising my son. I feel that it is not medically necessary, I have faith in my ability to teach him the importance of cleanliness and I feel that if it is for religious reasons he can make that choice at an appropriate age. I see no reason to mutilate my child because it’s a ‘sleek look’.
jessicashyba commented on Sep 09 11 at 6:59 pmI appreciate all of your input!
I want to make it clear, if not in the article then now, that I absolutely do NOT judge others on their decision to circumcise. I also should have been more vocal about the fact that we weren’t influenced by religion to circumcise our first son, and I do realize that many of those who do circumcise are Jewish. I don’t follow a religion that tells me to circumcise my children, and if I did I would most certainly do what was right for my family in that case as well.
To each his own. For me, and for my family, we have made a decision based on what is important to us.
Susan commented on Sep 09 11 at 8:15 pmThis just sparked a discussion between me and my husband. He is vehemently for circumcision. He does not want his son to look different from him.
I can’t disagree, and though we have no religious reason to circumcise, if we are blessed with a boy in our (hopefully upcoming) pregnancy, he will be circumcised.
Reneé Kazmar commented on Sep 10 11 at 2:25 pmFirst of all, kudos to the author for researching circumcision and making a different choice for her youngest son. Second, how does it affect the entire family whether or not a boy keeps every inch of his penis? Does the rest of the family feel the pain during his surgery? Do they have to live with the very common complications such as the ones shown on Circumstitions.com? Are they the ones who have to deal with the pain from genital surgery for days and perhaps weeks afterward while it heals and no one considers giving even a basic pain reliever? Are they the ones who will see the cut, modified, incomplete penis for the rest of their life every time they urinate, masturbate, have sex, or change clothes? Unless the answer to all of those is yes, then there is no way that circumcision is a family decision.
Bevin Jett commented on Sep 10 11 at 5:37 pmIf male circumcision is being done for cleanliness or culture/religious reasons do you realize this plays right into the justification certain tribal cultures in Africa have for circumcision of girls there as well as here in the US! There is a reason there are laws in the US protecting girls from culturally desired circumcision by their immigrant parents: because in the US an individual has a right to their own bodily integrity. (Well at least women do.) Forgive me, but I cannot get my brain wrapped around how it’s my right to cut erogenous and protective genital parts off my child that will never grow back, just because it’s my preference or religion. Does a child not have a right to his own body, or to the religious “amputation markings” on his body?
And as for cleanliness, us females have a heck of a lot more folds and what not to keep clean, keeping my daughter clean as a baby was a far bigger chore than my intact son. But I sure never considered removing all of her labia (which doesn’t even provide the lubrication that a foreskin does.)
mary lanser commented on Sep 10 11 at 7:07 pmI am going a bit further. I lose respect for parents who allow their baby’s genitals to be “cut”, whatever their rationalization. There is really no rationalization for doing this to babies. There are Jewish organizations vehemently against this out dated blood ritual and they make some excellent arguments for believing that this barbaric practice needs to be ended. People need to use good common sense and realize that cutting any newborn for any other than a medical emergency, is a violation of the baby’s rights to body integrity. The 14th amendment should be protecting girls and boys from this reckless parental choice. Doctors should be the ones responsible for a decision regarding any surgery, NOT parents, and Doctors don’t not want to be responsible for an unnecessary surgical procedure on a newborn. That is why they have handed the choice to parents and that is more than unethical! The choice for a cosmetic or religious surgery should remain in the hands of the person who is old enough to weigh it out on their own and make an informed decision. Doctors and hospitals are copping out on their duties when they back legally out of doing their job.
clara commented on Sep 10 11 at 8:30 pmI love this essay! I am impressed with you for keeping an open mind. My own brothers are different from each other & guess what? Noone cared! There was no penis-comparing sessions in our house. To all the people whose husbands want the baby to look like them..by the time they are old enough to even notice they are different, they won’t want to be staring at their naked dad. Ask your husbands if they have fond memories of comparing penises with their own dads!
Then, watch a video of a circumcision. Very few moms who know all of the facts, all of the functions of the foreskin & all of the risks choose circumcision for their new babies. I have 5 intact sons, none of whom have ever had an issue and they all keep themselves clean, I hate the attitude that boys are too stupid to clean themselves!
Risks include: meatal stenosis, excessive bleeding (circ complications killed over 100 US babies last year) skin tags and adhesions, buried penis (!) chordee & infection.
Karen commented on Sep 10 11 at 8:30 pmChristians who claim to circumcise because of their religion are sadly misinformed, since the New Testament strictly speaks against circumcision. Ultimately it shouldn’t be a parent’s choice to make. you can’t choose to cut off your child’s toe or finger or ear, and the foreskin is a functional, needed body part just like those. you wouldn’t circumcise your daughter would you? same procedure.
Elwyn commented on Sep 10 11 at 8:30 pmSome of the comments on here in favour of male genital cutting are revolting. “It’s our choice”. “My husband wants him to look the same”. “Everyone in our culture does it”. It is NOT your choice – it is the penis owner’s choice – or at least it would be his choice if you manage to avoid robbing him of that choice in his most helpless stage of life.
To answer the article author’s queries, my dad and I are circumcised and my younger brother isn’t and neither my brother nor myself thought much of the fact that we were different in that way any more than we thought much of our many other differences. Also our parents were open about answering our curiosity about such things so there was no great mystery.
Me. commented on Sep 10 11 at 8:34 pmGreat decision! Like you, my eldest was circumcised. I have since left my two younger boys intact. We’ve had no problems at all!
Jen commented on Sep 10 11 at 8:45 pmCongrats on the new addition to your family and for listening to your heart on this one! Our 4 yr old is whole and his brother will be too. It’s no more unsanitary than what a woman has to do to stay clean so I never understood that as an argument to cut a child’s organ off without his consent. Best of luck to you on a safe delivery! <3
Jonathan Friedman commented on Sep 10 11 at 8:56 pmParents, please watch this news report on circumcision:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T30DGBTUCWMNo baby wants the most sensitive part of their penis to be ripped off in a bloody mess!
anna commented on Sep 10 11 at 9:11 pmWow! This is SO much like my story!
Sarah commented on Sep 10 11 at 9:17 pmCongratulations Jessica- On your growing family and your growing spirit! I am a mom of two intact sons and their dad is circumcised. This has never been an issue or a problem. I think it’s important that when the time comes- that you are honest with all your children about the differences and how your decisions were shaped.
My husband was circumcised without his parent’s consent! It was 1964 and in that Cincinnati hospital all boys in the nursery were circumcised as a matter of routine without even asking parents. This was before the concept of “informed consent” had even been invented. His dad was intact and was a Cherokee indian- from a family where no man had ever been circumcised. When his parents discovered what had been done to their new baby they were horrified- but accepted it (doctor = God) and raised him without ever telling him the story of what happened- figuring that there was no point in upsetting a kid about something you can’t change. That would have been fine- except when I was expecting our first child my husband insisted that he MUST be circumcised – because “everyone is” and because “A boy must look like his father” …if he’d only know WHY “everyone” was circumcised… and that he didn’t look like his own father- things would have been so easy for us…as it was- butting heads over circumcision almost broke our marriage right at the time when we should have been blisfully pulling together for the birth of our baby. My mother in law didn’t tell us the story until our first son was almost a year old and she noticed that he wasn’t circumcised.
myrick commented on Sep 10 11 at 9:53 pmI have all my bits, my father and brother do not. My father died when I was 40. We never had a conversation on this tender topic, even though we saw each other every year in swimming pool locker rooms. He wanted me cut; my mother ended that conversation by threatening divorce. My brother and I have never talked about why the most sexual parts of our bodies do not look alike, and we never will. My mother has revealed to me that she and my father stopped having sex around the time he turned 50. My brother’s marriage failed around the time he was 45. Did one or both of them have sexual difficulties stemming from their circumcision? I will never know. But one thing is clear — there is no reason why all penises in a nuclear family have to look alike.
The reason whyparents have widely varying impressions of the trauma of routine circ is that some doctors inject lidocaine, some give the lidocaine enough time to act, and many fail to do both. Warning: some doctors say they will use lidocaine, and then do not. Maternity ward nurses have revealed on the internet that they have been instructed to tell white lies to mothers about how their baby boys reacted to being circed.
S. J. Towne commented on Sep 10 11 at 9:56 pmI agree w/ Karen. It’s very sad to hear so many mother’s saying that it should be a “parents’” or “family’s” decision? What about your child’s right to remain physically intact–the way he was born? My husband too–like most men born 35 years ago in the U.S.–was circumcised as and infant, and when we found out we were having a boy, we both were pretty neutral about the idea of the practice. So, being the researcher I am, I decided to get out there and see what the subject looked like from all angles.
And you know what I found out? The practice is nearly non-existent everywhere in the world except in the U.S. and the Middle East; No medical organization in the world recommends routine infant circumcision; Men who are intact have no more problem keeping their genitals clean than cut men; The foreskin is comprised of over 20,000 extremely sensitive nerves and many men and women argue that sex is much more pleasurable for both partners when a man is intact; Oh, and an intact penis looks very similar to a cut one when erect, other than the fact that the circ’ed penis often bears a scar that is obvious once you know what to look for–google it; The trauma inflicted on infant boys during circumcision is undeniable–many scream and cry, others go quiet and still (a trauma response), and nearly all are in pain for days after w/ no recourse to tell anyone how much they hurt besides crying.
And the biggest factor in my decision to leave my baby boy whole: No child has ever died from NOT being circumcised–any child, boy or girl, circumcised or not, can get an infection of the urinary tract or genitals, but these can be treated with antibiotics. However, approximately 117 baby boys in the U.S. alone die from circumcision-related complications such as blood loss and infection from the surgery.
Please, you owe it to your sons to at least do your research before letting someone perform a permanent amputation of ANY part of their body. My son is a perfectly intact 3 and a half year old who has had ZERO problems whatsoever w/ his perfectly natural penis. THINK about it. ;-)
kathy commented on Sep 10 11 at 10:27 pmHis body his choice. I get all angry and boiled up when I read the ignorant comments of people who genitally mutilate their children for any of the myths they are SO misinformed to believe in. Sex is better with an intact whole man. Grow up people do the research! Cutting anyone without their own consent is wjust plain WRONG!!!!!
Danielle Netherton commented on Sep 10 11 at 10:42 pmAWESOME ARTICLE!!!! Good for you for doing the right thing. When we know better we do better.
You’re right, it doesn’t matter if you match your father or brother. We are all different and if they ever notice the difference you just tell them the truth. It takes a special kind of person to be able to break the cycle. I hope more moms do the same. :)
Opal commented on Sep 11 11 at 12:10 amThis article is great! Good for you for becoming educated and making the right decision. I would like to add that some of the most vocal (and most credible) opponents of infant circumcision are Jewish. Drs. Paul Fleiss, Ron Goldman, and Jenny Goodman have all written books and articles on the subject. Jonathan Friedman, the founder of Intact News, is Jewish, as is Laura Shanley of Unassisted Childbirth. There is growing number of Jewish parents who are choosing to leave their babies just as God created them.
The majority of circumcised males are Muslim (although apparently the Quaran does not mention it).
The original circumcision commanded by God was NOT the amputation of the prepuce, but just a cutting of the tip of the foreskin. The boys and men of the day still had their foreskins; they just had a scar on it. The surgery that is tradition today is thought to have begun in the Maccabean Period. For information about circumcision and religion, see:
http://www.JewsAgainstCircumcision.org
http://www.JewishCircumcision.org
http://www.BeyondtheBris.com
or check out the links at http://www.WholeNetwork.org and http://www.DrMomma.org
Deborah C commented on Sep 11 11 at 10:06 amI applaud you for making a stand for your younger son. It’s tough when the rest of your male family looks different but it say a lot about you as a parent that you felt the need to research and make a different decision. My fiance is circumcised but we both chose together to leave our only son whole. It just felt right not to do it. I hope that if people question you on this, you are strong enough to show them the research and not doubt yourself. You have given your youngest a beautiful gift. You are a wonderful mother.
Yeoman Roman commented on Sep 11 11 at 7:29 pmCircumcision makes as much sense for boys as it does for girls, which is to say none. It certainly damages the penis, impairs sexual awareness and function, and is a major contributor to impotence.
If DAD is happy with his lot, fine. Why then does he insist -as some commenters here have mentioned- that his son be circumcised? -If DAD was really secure, he’d leave his son intacT
hillary commented on Sep 11 11 at 11:28 pmGood for you on researching it and realizing intact is the best way to go :)
R. Smith commented on Sep 12 11 at 1:17 amIn my culture, it is not considered routine like it has been in the U.S. My brothers are intact as is my infant son. I cry for the boys whose parents make the uninformed decisions without questioning their motives. Two cases were from the mothers making their Facebook status update regarding the routine. If someone had put that up about their baby girl, they’d be hearing it till no end! So why is it okay to say that their baby boy did so well during genital cutting “that he didn’t even cry?” It’s heartbreaking to be contain pain tolerance and genital mutilation in the same context. His body, it should be his choice!
jenniferreed commented on Sep 12 11 at 3:37 pmI thought that very same about him being “different” and gave it much consideration. Growing up is hard enough, but to be different, that makes it even tougher. I realized that we are all different, and boys especially will make fun of each other for things like glasses, being overweight and acne. And how many men actually know who was intact in high school, probably not many because you were doing everything to avoid looking at another man’s penis. My son will know that being whole makes him lucky. I will teach him to be compassionate about others feelings when asked and respond, “Well, this is the way penises are made, it’s unnecessary to change it, so I got to keep and decide on my own if I want it changed”. And he will know the many benefits of foreskin and will not want to change it. I simply is not necessary to alter a baby to your prefences. BTW, was husband is circ’d and once he knew what the many benefits of foreskin were, he is now mad that he doesn’t have his. All it takes is 10 mintues to google “functions of the foreskin” (it’s amazing).
AMCMULLIN commented on Sep 13 11 at 1:26 pmI am so glad to come across this article and all the comments. I was in the same boat as the author, I unfortunately didn’t even think of circumcision. Mostly because I did not find out the gender of my first baby and was too busy researching about other baby subjects (names, delivery methods, breastfeeding, etc.). I was in the bathroom when the nurse came in and announced “hello, we are taking the baby for his circumcision and will be back in 15 minutes”. My husband was driving his mother back home from her visit, so there I was alone, no chance to think or object or delay the decision. I think if I had researched or known more about the subject I would have certainly objected to have the procedure done. When my second son was born I told my husband the circumcision made me nervous (I still didn’t know much about it and didnt think to research before the baby was born). He said he does not want the two boys to be different from each other and that it was a routine procedure. I felt terrible, just thinking about it now makes me feel awful. I made an uneducated decision and peer pressure decide my child’s fate. We are currently deciding whether to have one more child or not, if we do and its a boy – he will be brought home intact and although his gential area may look different (do brothers, or men for that matter ever sit around comparing their “goods”?) he will be loved and raised the same as his brothers!
Rachael commented on Sep 20 11 at 7:24 pmMy sister and my cousin both had terrible experiences getting their sons circumsized. I find out the gender of my baby, hopefully, tomorrow. We have already decided that it is completely unnecessary and if we have a boy, we will not be doing it. I really think that people should do more research, because I believe its true, soon the minority will be circumsized boys.
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