Being Pregnant
Five More Things Infertile Couples Don’t Want To Hear
Yes I know what you’re thinking, “There are more things I shouldn’t say to an infertile couple?! I guess I better just shut my mouth.” And let me respond by saying we appreciate any action of love and support. These are just some things that I hear way too often and they are not helpful. While I try not to take personal offense to them and know that the sayer only means well, they’re still things that would be best to avoid.
1. “Well I can relate because it took me four months to conceive and that seemed like a really long time.”
Sorry, that’s not relatable. Any length of time under a year is considered normal.
2. “I don’t believe in conceiving any other way than naturally.”
For many infertile couples that’s not a choice. Let them choose what’s best for them, medical intervention or not.
3. “You should just adopt and then you’ll get pregnant.”
There is no logic in this statement. First, adopting isn’t something you “just” do. It’s a complicated, expensive and long process. Second, why would your infertility magically be cured because you adopted?
4. “Speaking of babies, did you know so and so is pregnant?”
Thanks for bringing that to my attention and making me feel a little worse.
5. “Kids are so expensive!”
Yes, I know. But the conception of your child was free and it’s costing us our entire life savings.
Go Back To Being Pregnant
10 Comments
Looloosmommy commented on Jun 24 11 at 3:07 pmYou can also add these lists in too. Also adoption is not alway complicated expensive or even a long process.
Abby commented on Jun 24 11 at 3:46 pmAlso, in regards to the insensitivity of the adoption comment, are you seriously suggesting I add a child to my family just so I can get another one, the one I “wanted” to conceive? If someone wants to adopt they do, and they want that baby because they wanted that baby, not because they were hoping this would kick in the biological baby.
Beth commented on Jun 24 11 at 10:53 pmDuring our struggle with IF, I heard about 1 million variations on #3. Just adopt and you’ll get pregnant. Just relax and you’ll get pregnant. Just go on vacation and you’ll get pregnant. It became annoying enough that I began replying, “Oh my God! That’s how you get pregnant?!? Now I’m embarassed. You won’t believe what my husband told me we had to do!”
Rhonda commented on Jun 25 11 at 12:38 amI’m stealing that line about what the husband told me to do! People keep telling me to do all these things and I’ll get pregnant…well I just got back from a 2 week vacation in which being pregnant was still in my mind but I wasn’t obsessing, so maybe that will do the trick. I most certainly will not be adopting though unless I want to adopt that child, not in the hopes that it will end up being a two for one deal. Seriously…
Keiko commented on Jun 27 11 at 12:33 pm@LooLoosMommy:
Re: A Long Process –
The wait time for international adoptions in the wake of the Hague Convention is anywhere from 2-4 years. The homestudy process can take up to a year. So, ballpark, you’re looking at a minimum of 3 years. Domestic adoption can be quick – I personally know of someone who got the ball rolling and brought home an infant w/in 10 months. But that’s the exception, not the norm.Re: Expensive -
Adoptions are easily in the $30-40K range. Even with the Adoption Tax Credit (~$13K), you’re looking at $17-27K out of pocket. Seems pretty expensive to me.Re: Complicated –
Imagine putting your life on hold to wait for a birthmother to pick your adoption profile, wondering and waiting: “Will she pick us? Will we get picked this month?” Imagine getting the call that a birthmother has decided to place with you. Imagine taking the time off from work to be there for the birth that’s now happening 2 weeks earlier than you thought b/c she went into labor sooner than her due date. Now imagine in that 96 hour waiting period before she relinquishes her parental control – she changes her mind.How is that NOT complicated?
Seriously LooLoosMommy: these are why lists like these exist b/c clearly, the education and sensitivity is needed.
katie commented on Jun 28 11 at 7:31 pmMy fave is your response to the price of kids.
And I love @Beth’s comment. Oh. my. gosh. That would make people go so red!
And, although adoption can be quick and “cheap” it’s rare and the emotional toll on the couple is never to be overlooked.
And the oreo ad is making my crave oreos. I can’t wait to find out what your pregnancy cravings are Mel!
Heidi commented on Jun 28 11 at 11:55 pmLOVE Beth’s comment! My husband and I knew we were going to adopt since pregnancy wasn’t an option… but in the meantime whenever people at church asked my husband when we were going to have kids, he would tell them, “Well, we just haven’t figured out the sex thing yet. But we just got a book, so things are looking up!” And then he wouldn’t tell me who he had said that to!!! Not as many people would ask me, but one sweet new mommy told me that having a baby was the best thing ever and that I should try it sometime. I blew it off in the moment, but I still can’t believe she was that insensitive.
And @ LooLoosMommy- RARELY is adoption ever not in some way long, expensive and/or complicated. If it’s not one, it’s the other. That comment was pretty insensitive to families who go through the process of adoption.
sarah@boxwood commented on Jun 29 11 at 10:39 amMel I laughed so hard at the last one, I’ve witnessed that conversation and I thought it was hilarious…better to laugh hysterically than to cry hysterically!
Sarah commented on Jun 29 11 at 4:43 pmA variation on #3 that I have heard when a couple struggling with infertility does finally get pregnant within about a month of hanging out with friends who have children:
“It must have been hanging out with my/our friends’ kids! They’re such good karma!”
You’re right, DearNarcissistFriend. I’m sure our success had nothing to do with the Clomid/acupuncture/IUI/IVF/endometrial surgery/etc. Of course it was All. About. You.
A friend said this to me about two weeks before I miscarried a blighted ovum, and it took great strength not to call her and ask if she or her kid had hexed me as well, since apparently they’d been so successful blessing me in the first place.
anniki commented on Jul 05 11 at 9:49 amAnd how about- ‘I envy you. At least you have all that time to do whatever you want.’
This was actually my best friend who said this to me!
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