Being Pregnant
Excuse Me While I Scream
You know those scenes in movie where someone angrily sweeps away the contents on top of their desk? I’ve felt like that all week.
Sometimes I just pretend like everything is fine and that I’m perfectly content with how things are going, and I’m looking on the sunny side, and we’re going to make it after all! and all that optimistic business. But then sometimes I get PMS and not only does it depress me because I know that this is yet again not my month, it also likes to throw me some gigantic hormonal swings that make me about as pleasant to be around as a rabid dog.
In this week of emotional eating and cry fests, I think I’ve narrowed down what the hardest part of infertility is for me. This wasn’t an easy task because let’s face it, there’s not a whole lot of happy associated with the disease. The hardest part of infertility for me is
not knowing. Not knowing how much longer you’ll have to wait. Not knowing if the treatments will be successful. Not knowing if you’ll ever be parents. At first (and in the case of unexplained infertility) not knowing why you can’t get pregnant. Not knowing why this happens to anyone. Not knowing if the pain will ever end.
As hopeful as I try to remain, the not knowing part tears me down a little everyday.
Thank you for letting me pout for the day. Thank you for your words of encouragement.
painting by Deedee Cheriel
Go Back To Being Pregnant
17 Comments
Barbara commented on Jun 10 11 at 12:37 pmHello Melanie! allow me to start with a big hug (((Melanie))). Is that better?! :)
The good news is, it is the weekend now so you can start a brand new much better week very soon. Phew.
I understand how frustrated you are, and by any means, rant and vent and pout away, we’re not going anywhere!
sarahh commented on Jun 10 11 at 12:53 pm*hug* Punching bag? Oooh! Local fair that has one of those booths where you can throw a fake-but-messy pie at someone you don’t know! Or slap some whipped cream on a paper plate and chuck it at your spouse (depending on his mood, that could lead to even more fun). Or do the desk thing, but please be careful of sharp objects. A trip to the ER for stitches wouldn’t help, especially on a Friday…
Sometimes we have to scream, yell, cry, vent, bitch, whine and pout. If you hold it in, it does no one any good (least of all you). And in your case, your venting at least helps other people – I know it’s helped me, and I look forward to your posts (both happy and not-so-happy).
Inge commented on Jun 10 11 at 1:12 pmHi Melanie, let me just start by saying I love your blog and that’s why I’m here. I don’t have children, nor am I pregnant, but I’d love to have them when the time is right. So all I know right now is that my beloved niece and her soon-to-be husband had been trying forever to get pregnant before they discovered their problem. In the Netherlands, where we live, you get three chances at IVF covered by the insurance (although they’re trying to scale that back to one), and finally, while they were trying for the last time, they got pregnant! They had basically given up already and wanted to get it over with, but nature will find its way and you can never know what will happen.
What I’m trying to say with this is, hang in there! I can only imagine what you’re going through but I feel for you and just know that there are lots of possibilities. Maybe you should come live with us in the Netherlands ;)
Just stay awesome.
Carrie commented on Jun 10 11 at 1:38 pmOh boy do I know that feeling (having experienced unexplained infertility). For me it felt like I was perpetually pre-pregnant. Never knowing when I would or even if I could get pregnant I felt like I had to treat my health as if I were pregnant, so I was always concious of what I was eating, drinking, feeling. What helped me was giving myself permission to take a break, forget about it for a week, have a drink, eat sushi and get away with my husband and make plans even if those plans would have to be later cancelled if I did get pregnant.
Oddly enough that feeling of “Not Knowing” has suddenly returned, now that my daughter is 17 mos, weaned and I just got my first post-preg period I wonder, can I get pregnant again? Will it be easier this time? Will I have to go back for infertility treatments?
AmyC83 commented on Jun 10 11 at 1:51 pmThe not knowing is the hardest part for me, too. I hate it!
Helen Palmer commented on Jun 10 11 at 3:34 pmI used to have a good cry in the shower!
Miranda commented on Jun 10 11 at 4:06 pmMan, is that ever it in a nutshell. You’re so right. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve complained to whoever I happen to be talking to at the moment about the frustration of NOT KNOWING.
Plus those mood swings…they do crazy things to me. When it really gets bad I tell myself I’d rather just go back on birth control than deal with all of this, then two minutes later I’m like…wait….what? No! What? You get the idea.
Kim commented on Jun 10 11 at 4:47 pmI’m so sorry–I’ve so been down that road!! Luckily, in my case, there were happy endings, but I remember feeling exactly the way you feel! I know that’s probably not much consolation. There’s not really anything anyone can say that helps (this I know from experience, too!), but I hope you’ll feel better knowing that there are lots of others out there who at least understand what you are going through!
Kelly commented on Jun 10 11 at 9:07 pmi love you.
Karen Petersen commented on Jun 11 11 at 12:38 amchin up little buddy
Annika commented on Jun 11 11 at 11:43 amI will be adding you to my list of wishes! My brother and sister-in-law went through this whole process and I saw first hand how trying it can be. After a year, they got pregnant and have a lovely little son now. I am hoping this same luck comes your way. (PS: I wish on numbers – 11:11, 5:55, etc… so I will be wishing for you a lot!!!) All the love love love your way!
Melissa commented on Jun 11 11 at 1:39 pmOh man. I hate that waiting game. And the disappointment. I hated BFNs and eventually stopped taking tests altogether because the thought of seeing one line was just too much to take. My heart goes out to you!!!
katie commented on Jun 13 11 at 12:13 ambeen thinking about you all week. I won’t ask the next time I see you. but I’m here for you.
Sarah commented on Jun 14 11 at 5:07 pmOh Melanie, I *totally* hear you. I’m so sorry for what you are going through, and I totally identify with it.
I have found myself sitting in my car, windows up, just SCREAMING my food head off. More than once. Or playing loud, aggressive music and scream-singing the lyrics along to it. I think these outlets are generally fine and healthy, though they leave my throat feeling like the pits.
Have you seen “Bridesmaids” yet? There’s an “acting-out” scene in it that I found very satisfying, not just in relation to the topic at hand (marriage) but also in terms of the struggle that we’re all dealing with right now. I replay the scene in my head when I need a release, and find myself feeling properly purged. Worth a try?
anniki commented on Jun 16 11 at 11:04 amI can really identify with this feeling.
We’ve been trying for 18 months now. Each month I’m convinced that I’m pregnant, I swell up like a beach ball, get twinges, cramps, weird flutterings and then my period arrives late. But it always arrives! And I feel like banging my head against the wall! This has been further amplified by the internet and various fertility forums which seem to feed my infertility frenzy (apart from this site which has been the voice of reason so far!)
Wish you all the luck in the world. It will happen.
anniki commented on Jun 17 11 at 9:34 amHi Melanie. I deleted the mail by mistake- sorry. We’ve been through a plethora of different tests.
Nothing has been diagnosed so we are lined up to start a cycle of IVF end of next month. Still hoping something may happen before then though…
Susanna Quasem commented on Jul 03 11 at 11:48 pmHi Melanie–my sister Stephanie pointed me to your blog since we’ve been struggling with infertility issues too. I so identify with your blog and it’s so nice to hear someone else pointing how I feel so perfectly into words. We’ve been trying for about 18 months now and I hate not knowing if it will ever happen. Thanks again–I’ll keep following for hopefully good news one of these days :)
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