one thing i did was to talk about it. i talked to everyone who would listen…..lo and behold i knew no less than a dozen people in the same position in real life and countless more online. i had to come to terms in my own mind that i’m not mad that they are pregnant…..i’m livid that i’m not pregnant. i struggled to conceive then i struggled to stay pregnant…..it was 39 months….3 miscarriages until i had a successful pregnancy……that was the most horrible yet largest learning time in my life.

i remember when i was going thru infertility …. my heart would break each time one of my friends would announce she was preg.. it was horrible !!!!!!!! i found myself pulling away from all of my pregnant friends and ive never fully regained those friendships even after i had my first child. i thought i would never get to experience the joys of pregnancy and motherhood…. but after 10 ivf procedures total, 3 mc’s and countless drs appointments i gave birth to my 2nd child in 5 years !!!!!!!!!

This is why I’m glad that most of our friends at this point are either male, already had all the kids they’re going to have, have decided that they’ll never have kids and are perfectly happy with that decision, or have sufffered with infertility for years. I’d be hard-pressed to even consider being anything but happy for my friend that’s been trying for 7+ years.

I do get upset, I just try to manage it as best I can. It is as important to me to not sublimate my own needs as it is to try to maintain my friendships with those friends who are more immediately successful at building their family. I’ve been very honest with those friends — always, when I’m feeling at my most stable — about how hard our experience of infertility has been for us (2 years TTC, 2 first trimester miscarriages), and I’ve been grateful for how sensitive those friends have been to our experience. That said, when my emotions get on high — and they do, especially when my friends are all together with all their kids and all their conversations about kids — I try to save my ultra-emotional moments until later, and then unleash them in the safe company of my partner, who is also struggling, emotionally, with our infertility.

I’ve also given myself permission to bow out of invitations and occasions that feel like they might be too much to bear, and to be honest with the person who invites me about why. Just as non-parents have to accommodate parents on somethings, it’s the compassionate choice for them to accommodate us too.

My friend too struggled to conceive for over 4 years. I considered us close although we’ve only been friends the past 3 years. She confided in me about her fertility struggles and all the stuff she had to go through to just stand a chance at conception. After 4 years of trying, they gave up with meds & treatments and decided take sometime to breathe before trying IVF. It was around that time I got pregnant. My pregnancy was planned and relatively quick. When I found out I was pregnant, one of my first thoughts were about her. Everynight when I prayed for my unborn child, I said a prayer for her, that she too experiences the joys & pains of pregnancy, that she too conceive and has a baby. I din’t want my pregnancy to hurt her feelings or stir up any pain. During my first trimester, I had several near miscarraiges and was even told by a perinatologist to consider abortion & that the likelihood of me carrying to term was slim. I was devastated, scared, and alone. I had no one to turn to, she played down all risks and it was obvious she did not want to talk about my pregnancy. I am happy to say that my friend conceived 3 months after I did! I screamed out loud in happiness when I found out. But she did not want to talk to me about her pregnancy, became hostile & combative when I spoke about mine (even if I made an offhand comment). I did not want to steal her thunder and I was so thrilled for her pregnancy. I was never sure what made her act hostile and combative towards me, rude comments made in public, cattiness, downright rudeness, ignoring me; was it that I got pregnant before her, maybe she did not want my risky pregnancy to rub off on her, maybe I inadvertantly shared her limelight/joy by being pregnant at the same time, maybe she was hormonal. I just don’t know and will never understand. We both have beautiful healthy babies and though she is back to treating me nice, I am unsure if we will ever be close again. I can’t get over how ill she treated me during the worst, most scary time of my life.