Being Pregnant
Baby Shower Etiquette (for Moms-to-Be)
Baby showers are awesome, but remember your etiquette!
While I was doing some research for a post that I’ll be doing next week, I hit upon this one: baby shower etiquette. When should you have it? Where? Who should throw it? Who should attend? What shouldn’t you do?
Keep reading to find out all about throwing baby showers!
Apparently, there is quite the etiquette to throwing baby showers (or any showers). And while I think some of the rules are a little silly, others are definitely important. I read some pretty funny stories (like the one where a woman registered for only designer items and instructed each person which to buy, or the one where each person was expected to bring three separate gifts) that highlight what not to do at a baby shower!
So, let’s start. What should you do at a baby shower?
1. Allow friends to host — It’s definitely tacky to throw your own shower. Just don’t do it. Some say it’s tacky for family to throw it, too (although that’s up to you — I didn’t have any “mommy friends” yet, so my mom threw mine with some friends’ help).
2. Create a registry with a wide variety of items and prices — Most people will probably spend in the $10 – $20 range. Some can’t afford that much, if they are on limited budgets or don’t know you that well, so include some small items too (like washcloths, onesies, etc.). Some, like very close friends or family, may choose to buy big-ticket items or a group of people may choose to go in on one, so include a few bigger things too (but please, not super-high-end designer stuff that costs $2000).
3. Plan the shower for early in your third trimester — Too early is unnecessary (unless you’re high-risk or avoiding holidays), and too late and you risk having to cancel it last-minute. 28 – 32 weeks is a good time to have the shower.
4. Send invitations to people at least three weeks in advance, all at once — That is, don’t have “round one” guests, then send out extra invitations as people decline. Just assume around 20% will decline and send invitations to all the people you want to be there. Make sure the invitations go out in plenty of time so that people can plan for the shower.
5. Include RSVP information and registry information — RSVP should be fairly prominent so people can know exactly who to call (and that they need to). Registry information should be on a separate card or in small letters at the bottom. Making a big deal about the gifts is tacky; everyone knows that’s what showers are for!
6. Don’t discuss gifts, unless asked — If someone asks you what you need or want, you can share this with them (perhaps they want to know which item off your registry you most need). But don’t tell people, even “subtly” what to buy for you. Most people don’t do this, but I just read too many stories where they did, lol.
7. Plan food — Showers should have, at a minimum, a cake and a few snacks. If it’s a longer shower or during a meal time, consider a light meal too. Don’t plan it potluck-style! (Not for a “real” shower anyway; perhaps that’s okay for a “sprinkle” with a later baby but even then, be careful.) It’s nice, but not required, to ask guests if they have any food allergies or other limitations.
8. Offer games and/or favors — You don’t have to play games, but they’re nice (and offer a small prize). Favors are also very nice. These don’t have to be fancy; a few pieces of candy or a small candle are just fine.
9. Thank people for their gifts — Open them all, and be grateful for the gifts. Even if they weren’t on your registry, are duplicates, not the item you would have chosen, or downright weird. Thank the person for the gift, and if you need to, quietly exchange it later.
10. If you are having a second shower, go small — If you are having your second (or later) child, and there are not extenuating circumstances (with a new husband, a decade after your last baby, etc.), it is not good to ask for “big-ticket” items. Think about ‘alternative’ showers, or ask for small presents (towels, clothes, toys, etc.)
What else would you consider “proper etiquette” for a baby shower?
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27 Comments
Ashley commented on May 04 11 at 4:02 pmI’ve always heard that it is tacky to include registry info with the invitations because it looks like gift-grubbing. Instead, registry info should be spread by word of mouth and only if people ask.
Abby commented on May 05 11 at 9:13 amI am expecting a second girl just 16 months after my first. I don’t need ANYTHING at all. But I am sort of hoping for a book shower! I am an English teacher after all.
Hannah commented on May 05 11 at 2:00 pmI, for one, am always relieved when mommy-to-be (or bride-to-be!) include registry information with the invite. I consider it an unnecessary inconvenience (and opportunity for social awkwardness) to contact a matriarch I do not personally know and request registry info.
It’s 2011. I think we’re all accustomed to registry info that will make our (often online) shopping that much easier.
Great post!
hannah commented on May 06 11 at 8:54 amif it’s a big shower with either a lot of people or a lot of gifts, do them the courtesy of gift-opening as quickly as possible. As in, nab 1-3 friends who can streamline things by handing you gifts, removing trash as you unwrap, taking the opened gifts and cards to another table, and tracking the ‘thank you’ list as you open, with a name and what the item was. Saves so much time, keeps you sane, and keeps things moving really quickly so guest get to see your surprise and delight, and you have time to make eye contact and say thank you, without the whole thing lasting hours and people not being able to stay to see their gift unwrapped. I’ve even considered NOT unwrapping gifts at all, but that would depend on the group. Personally, I think i’d enjoy a shower that involved more fellowship, games and ‘tips’…
Due July 20 commented on May 20 11 at 2:39 pmAny thoughts/advice for mommies-to-be (especially first-timers) where none of your friends has offered to throw a shower (even a little one)? It’s not about the gifts but rather how to get over the sadness of feeling like they they just can’t be bothered to celebrate something so life-changing?
Holly W. commented on May 25 11 at 11:52 amDon’t expect gifts: this is a great time to get them, but not everyone can afford gifts because they might not get paid until the following week, have 4 kids, already struggle to pay bills, etc.
Also, we’re having a co-ed shower/diaper party. The day is more about celebrating with our friends so we’ll do the gift unwrapping thing if necessary but we just want to spend a weekend with our friends first. We did the same thing for our wedding shower – a bbq in the backyard with good food and lots of company. That was much more interesting and more fun for everyone!
chanda healton commented on Jun 09 11 at 3:34 pmI know my baby is going to be born with Spina Bifida. Is it tacky to request that any bottles and pacifiers be latex free? this is a common allergy in SB kids. Also she will be wearing dresses while her scar is healing. Would it be tacky to ask for pant outfits in a larger size and newborn clothing in dresses?
Megan commented on Jun 13 11 at 10:37 amWowzers. I’ve got my own list of dos and don’ts:
1. do not host your own baby shower – the pregnant lady shouldn’t have to tidy up after everyone, get her house all ready and spend money on food and drinks. It should be hosted by friends or family or not at all.
2. do not give a gift list – it’s mercenary. If people ask what you would like then go ahead and tell them what you’re missing but don’t dictate anything unless they explicitly ask for a brand. Lots of people like buying presents – if you don’t want to end up with lots of frilly outfits the baby won’t wear just ask for vests and babygrows instead – if you want to club money together for a larger item like a cot or pram maybe suggest vouchers (I’d never have wanted a breast pump for a present but I was happy using the vouchers I had from my work for one). Also, some people really don’t like giving baby gifts until the baby’s arrived.
3. don’t have alcohol at the shower – I was so peeved at mine that everyone else was on champers, wine and Pimms while I had lemonade! Unfair in the extreme – it’s hard enough being the fattest in the room without being unable to drink at your own party.
4. do have silly games – keeps it lighthearted and stops the focus being on presents – I like to think of them as a celebration of being pregnant, becoming parents and to show that you’ve got the love and support of friendsMy school friends clubbed together to get me a changing bag with a few bits – like an outfit and some posh baby smellies but they also got me some jewellery with a note saying something like “you’ll be a funky mummy” – basically that whole “we’re you’re friends and being a mum won’t change who you are” thing which was lovely and some other friends who got me Boots vouchers and said I wasn’t allowed to buy nappies or baby things – it had to makeup for me (which I did!). I was the first of my friends to have a baby so there wasn’t any advice from them but I’m trying to arrange a surprise one for a friend who lives in a different city without her mum nearby and I’m going to do a little scrapbook for bits of advice and things like “my favourite book as a child” – make it personalized.
My baby shower happened because my friends got all excited about it but it ended up being at my mum’s house because she had the most space and flipping loves hosting things – any excuse to get her chocolate fountain out! If you wanted one but no one was throwing one (mine should’ve been a surprise but I was so busy making the most of my freedom pre-baby that my best friend had to pin me down for a Sunday afternoon) just have a quiet word with your closest friend about how you’d love a gathering of friends (and family if you’ve got sisters etc) before the baby’s here.
I much preferred the atmosphere of my bijou baby shower to the baptism party we had when my son was 6 months – we had too many friends and family there – we spread ourselves too thinly and it was just way too stressful and rushed – people pushing me to open presents while I was mid-feed. At the shower there were enough to feel like a get-together but we all fitted in my mum’s living room!
Crystal commented on Jul 26 11 at 3:18 pmDon’t throw your own shower or don’t have one….that’s easy for all the women who have had people to throw them one. Believe me it’s depressing and sad to not get a shower. That’s what happened to me. Not a single person threw me one so I got no celebration with family and friends for my first child.
Try being in my shoes and then tell me not to throw one. I think people shouldn’t judge other people and should stop worrying about what’s “tacky” and what isn’t.
Throwing a birthday party for your own kids is the normal practice how is throwing a party for your child to be any different???
CordeliaOlin commented on Jul 27 11 at 10:20 amWhile I agree that asking for gifts feels like begging for charity sometimes, the entire purpose of a “shower” is to prepare the new mom (or second time around mom) for the change in her family. We left the gift registry off our wedding invitations because we “would be honored if you would join us” at our wedding and it felt wrong to say “Oh, BTW, here is where you can buy us stuff”, but the bridal shower is specifically for the bride-to-be to gather with other women to help prepare her new married home, ie towels, china, toaster, stuff like that. The purpose of the baby shower is the same. The mom to be is to be “showered” with gifts that will prepare her for motherhood. Even the simplest “must have” list of items can rack up a huge bill so its just prudent to have at least one. Also that way people feel like they have a small connection to the impending bundle of doom, whoops, I meant love!
Jen commented on Jul 28 11 at 10:25 am- Throwing your own party or helping to throw it is totally fine. Every mom-to-be deserves a party. I wouldn’t judge someone for throwing their own AT ALL… what’s the difference really? I’m still giving a gift either way (which I’m always happy to do!). We are helping our moms throw our party… but we’re not calling it a shower, just a baby party.
- It’s going to be co-ed.
- No silly games but we are having activites.
- No hours of gift opening… I’m going to thank everyone for coming and let them know if they’d like me to open their gift while they are there I will do so but I’m not subjecting everyone at the party to watching me open each and every gift. This gets so boring.
- I’m not expecting gifts from anyone but will appreciate any gifts that I get. It’s about celebrating our baby-to-be.
- I think registry info is always helpful and I welcome it. I enjoy seeing what people need/want and like getting them a gift they can use. And new moms/dads don’t have time or energy to return items they don’t need.
- I think people are really ridiculous when they worry about what’s tacky and what’s not… send an invite, make up a diverse registry, have a nice party, thank everyone and get over it… really what’s so hard about that?! When you go to a shower or baby party you are celebrating a new baby with a friend or family member, that should be the focus. And I can’t think of anyone I know who has a shower and thinks ONLY of the gifts they are getting.
Chelsea commented on Jul 29 11 at 1:12 amWell, I’m currently 25 weeks pregnant with twins (my first), the shower is in a month. The invites are going out in a week, but I must say I put on my invitations where I was registered and also which diaper brand we want to use (but it is on the back of the invites). Is that tacky? I’m just kind of picky, I really want to use Huggies Natural b/c there aren’t any added dyes or anything. I’ll appreciate whatever we can get b/c it is going to be tough with my husband and I having twins, but that’s just what I really want to use. Is that so wrong?
Also, pretty much every shower I have ever been to has been hosted my the mom or grandma, I don’t find that tacky at all. Just saying.
Ange commented on Jul 31 11 at 9:31 pmI have a friend who has offered to help host my party and she asked what I wanted and what would be easier for me and my husband. She lives in an apartment and we didn’t want her to spend money to rent a room or anything and with the potential for gifts we both agreed that the party should be at our house so we wouldn’t have to worry about toting gifts in case we received a bigger item. We are doing a more modern type of shower however. My husband has a lot of friends (guys) who are excited for us and we don’t want them too feel left out so we are planning a co-ed shower that will be in two parts. The first part will start in the afternoon with a traditional shower for the ladies with a small assortment of snacks, gift opening and games and the second part will be a big get together for grilling and lawn games which both men and women are invited for supper. My husband’s great idea (lol) is to have a keg and instead of collecting money for a cup, charge a package of diapers. I doubt he’ll actually do it but it sounds funny. As far as registries, they will be on the invitations because, I feel, it is less of a hassle for the recipient to return, store or get rid of items they do not need or want. We are using amazon as one of our registries so our friends who do a majority of their shopping online can send it right to our house and not have to worry about transporting it or knowing for sure they purchased the right item. I do not expect gifts, I just would like a nice get together with friends to share in our joy and have a chance of a fun party before the baby comes. Both my husband’s and my family live a ways away so we will be having two showers one with our friends here and one with our families. The aunts typically plan the showers for our families and my mom helps coordinate since she is in contact with me most often and knows what I like. Times change and so do etiquette rules, some I think are still good but I think you have to do what is best/easiest for you and those involved.
Tina commented on Aug 04 11 at 7:53 pmI think it’s sad that people think it’s tacky to throw your own baby shower. Now, I agree that a mama shouldn’t HAVE to do it herself, and it would be great if someone else took responsibility for all the cooking & cleaning, but if no one else will do it, you should go for it!
Misty commented on Aug 31 11 at 4:26 pmWhat if there’s no one that will give you a shower? My mother passed away. My father won’t. My mother in law doesn’t really care for me that much. I have seven kids. And one on the way. No one has ever given ME a baby shower. What do I do then?
Jessica commented on Sep 01 11 at 11:01 amAshley, the registry info is only true for weddings. Showers, baby or bridal, are about “showering” the soon-to-be with gifts. This isn’t tacky at all. Just an FYI. I’m a wedding planner and I definitely make sure my couples don’t include this info on their wedding invitations. LOL
tracey commented on Oct 03 11 at 2:30 pmIt may be “tacky” or whatever, but I really don’t care….I am finally pregnant (20 weeks) and after having planned or helped plan MANY baby showers for cousins, friends and friends’ friends, I AM planning my own…I have a binder with my plans; theme, games, activities, decorations, food, favors and prizes all included. The other reason I am planning it is that I am too organized and OCD when it comes to this stuff…this is my first and probably only baby and I want to enjoy every moment. Everyone I know, knows how compulsive I can be and afterall, I AM an Aries…lol…the binder is being handed off to the Godmothers and my mom and they will go from there with the planning….and btw, I honestly don’t want to open a gazillion packages of diapers and wipes in front of everyone, so I will be adding my registry info to the invites….
beach shell commented on Oct 14 11 at 12:24 pmI picked my own venue, as for everything else my Mom, Sister and Aunts will do!! What ever i get will muchly be appreciated!!! I know people will give giftcards, which i will love!!! My little church family will throw me one too!! Just gonna take it all in and be blessed!!!
Brittany commented on Oct 18 11 at 11:15 amI disagree about the potluck thing. I’m having a double shower with another friend who’s due around the same time as me, so our guest list has close to 90 people on it. If only 20% decline, that’s still around 70 people to feed. Our shower is potluck style, especially since it’s at lunchtime on a Saturday afternoon. If we could afford to feed that many people in the first place, we wouldn’t be having to have a shower at all to get things we need for our baby girl.
Susy commented on Oct 22 11 at 10:57 amDo not throw a surprise baby shower for someone……mine was a surprise. My husband was in on it and had planned for me go shopping with my sister-in-law. Well, I thought it was a bad idea for someone that was going to burst and could barely move to go shopping so I refused to go. Common sense??? He had to tell me it was a set up for a baby shower. I was happy and grateful that my friends were doing this, but in my emotional pregnant state I didn’t understand why nobody thought to ask me about the shower first. I would have told them that under no circumstance did I want a baby shower before the baby was born (bad family experience :( ). So I went to the baby shower pretending I was happy, but I was ready to cry every second of it.
Include the mom to be…..you might learn something important.
Jazzi-Ray Swagg. commented on Oct 26 11 at 9:55 pmWell..lemmy tell you what happenend with mine.
Me and my childs father moved about 900 miles away from my hometown.
Im from Louisiana and hes from Illinois.
So i know, NO ONE. Whos gonna throw a shower for someone they DONT know….
So i desided to post a facebook event for my own kinda E-shower if you will.
We did not ask for new things, we specificly asked that people hunt around for gently used items, or even thirft store things if they chose to purchase anything.I sent this out at the end of september, and said that we would be taking up donations till the first of December.
Mind you, im Due in feb.
I did this..to avoid hollidays and also, we are well..DIRT POOR..and finding it very difficult to scrape by on our own, so we asked for all the help we could get, not even epecting “Big ticket” things, just things that would take the edge offf of our already limited spending..
Well it all blew up in my face.
“You shouldnt be throwing your own shower”
“Its to early”
“Your registry is unorginzied you really need to be asking for only needed items”
(I did the whole multiple items at various costs)
“If you cant provide for your child then you shouldnt have one”
(Oh yes.. someone went there)
“I understand you need gifts but dont you think this is a little rude to expect people to send you something, i mean your the one that moved out of state, you should have known better then to expect help moving that far away”Needless to say, i found out who my true friends where, and who i could really count on in my family..(Yes some of those awefull things that where said, came from family) Where are the granparents in all this? Well my parents are kind of out of site out of mind with the whole situation, and his parents ..are just barely making ends meet themselves..so we arnt expecting them to beable to help much..not that they wouldnt want to.. because..there is a BIIIIG diffrence in CAN..and CANT..
So i guess..idk..if overall i was wrong for throwing my own, but i really needed the help..like serious, and thats what friends and family are suppose to be there for..when you need them..to lean on..I cried many of nights sweating over weather or not she would have clothes and a place to sleep cuz i just didnt know how we where gonna afford it with out someone elses help..and the thought that NO ONE..cared or wanted to help us..broke my heart…i was just about ready to call of the E-shower and concider possibly giving her up for adoption..
I have since received gifts and im stressing alot less, the few handfull of good people have stepped up and helped us greatly..Exp when all the negativity hit the fan
Brooke commented on Dec 04 11 at 12:57 pmJazzi-Ray Swagg -
If you cannot afford to raise a child properly, you should consider adoption. A few shower gifts will not make a dent in the several thousands of dollars it costs to raise a child. I feel no sympathy for you or your baby’s father. I feel sympathy for your baby.
Kelli commented on Jan 18 12 at 5:03 pmHonestly, it makes my heart hurt to read comments from the people who have never had a shower thrown in their honor! I’ve just found out I’m pregnant, so no one other than my husband knows yet, but I can’t imagine not having the flood of excitement & support that I know we will get when we decide to tell people. Big hugs to you poor families who don’t have anyone who cares enough to show you love & support!
Amanda commented on Jan 28 12 at 10:58 amIt’s awful to hear this negativity when being pregnant. I moved away from my friends and famil almost a year ago and I would if I had to throw my own baby shower. I dnt think it’s tacky, people throw their own birthday parties all the time..what’s the difference. I would tell people where I’m registered at so they know what is needed. I would not include big expensive things, those I would get myself. It doesn’t matter who throws the party as long as it’s being done. this is a celebration of bringing a precious human being into life. I think it deserves a party no matter who throws it.
Leigh commented on Mar 07 12 at 7:16 pm@ Brooke
You disgust me. I’m glad you have plenty of money so your child will never want for anything (which i assume you do, since you don’t seem to know what its like to struggle financially), this is not the case for all of us, and does not mean someone is a bad parent. It means they will have to work twice as hard as you. I was 10 before my parents were “financially sound” but instead of growing up a spoiled brat, i learned to work for the things i want, and not expect things to be handed over. I hope my own children will learn these things. Yes, children are costly. But, like anything, initial costs are the highest. I have been fortunate enough to have a large, caring family, who understand and wanted to help. This isn`t true for everyone, and some people need to ask for help. Maybe this couple will never be rich, but it`s not for us to pass judgement so easily. I can`t imagine doing this alone, and have immense respect for the people that have to, and do.
MayasMomma214 commented on Mar 27 12 at 2:09 pm@ Jazzi
I, too, moved away right before I got pregnant. From Missouri to Texas, so about the same distance you moved! I, too, am struggling financially because, since I got pregnant pretty much the day we got here, I haven’t been able to find and hold down a job, so my fiance’s the only person working. I’m young, it’s my first child, and my family is actually very “well off” and when I lived in MO, I went to all the baby showers and wedding showers and got gifts for everybody (I had a decent job up there until the store I managed went out of business). Point being, I feel for you. We don’t have the money to rent a U-Haul and drive a bunch of stuff back down to Texas, and my mom has a compact car (she is planning to come down for Maya’s birth) so she can’t drive it down. I’m trying to encourage everyone to online order from my registry and have it sent to me or to pitch in for a gift card so I can buy it down here.
@ Brooke
I surely hope you don’t have any of your own kids because to pass on ignorance like that would truely be the tragedy here. All you need to raise a baby is time and love. That’s what my parents had for me, and I turned out much better then most of my more spoiled (financially) counterparts. If you have that high of a level of ignorance, you should legally have to give your kids up for adoption because it’s not right to pass that to another generation. Sorry, but it’s not.
Kaeti commented on Apr 19 12 at 3:01 amWhat a hoot to read-I had no idea I was so incorrect! I clicked to read his article because my shower is this weekend & thought it may help me with some pointers, those pointers are that I have appearantly done it all wrong. I am 37 weeks along, I planned & am hosting my shower, @ my house no less (THE THOUGHT), & I indeed included my registry info on the invite. And whats more, it is going to be a coed affair, with a potluck, & alcoholic beverages will be served, I have also not included any games involving guessing what the baby food in the diaper is, or the like.
Remembering back to the time before I was pregnant & expecting my 1st little one, remembering being the single non-parent invited to showers & how ostricized you felt playing those games, Wondering what to get the person & not wanting to harass the info out of them. Wanting a cool refreshing adult beverage to consume responsibly. These are all the considerations I took when planning out my party, which I did because honestly noone else was offering & dammit Iwanted a party to celebrate my 1st pregnancy.
All these little rules are just silly, but if after this weekend my guests & I a lousy time, I will indeed stand corrected. I could honestly tell you if someone threw me a shower & adhered to these strict ideas, I wouldn’t even want to sit through it, let alone would I want to put my guests through the experience.
Just saying…
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