Being Pregnant
The Pregnancy That Didn’t Matter
There's been a pink elephant sitting in the room for 27 weeks now that nobody's discussed.
This past weekend I was out of town for a conference. I didn’t feel great about leaving my wife at home, so I wrote a post about how lame it is when men say “we’re pregnant” to try to make up for it. But she didn’t read it. And I don’t blame her. She doesn’t have any time. In fact, neither one of us has time to do much of anything right now.
From the second I returned on Sunday, it’s been nonstop. (Note to self, no more coming home during the witching hour.) The triplets were so amped to see me that they got too riled up to fall asleep, which meant that the better part of Sunday night was spent dealing with fussy three-year-olds.
Monday came and didn’t care one bit that I was tired from four days on the road. Neither did the triplets. Caroline took Alli to school (which I usually do) while I got our trio dressed and ready for the day. Accordingly, I didn’t get to the office until 9. And suffice it to say that between writing, business responsibilities, two separate meetings with an estate planning attorney (the first of which lasted four hours), two soccer practices, one soccer game and garden-variety carpool obligations, I’m experiencing this week as if I’ve been shot out of a cannon.
And never did that fact dawn on me more than when my wife called on Tuesday morning just after I had dropped the kids off at school and was making my way into work.
“So I’ve got an appointment today,” she said casually with the slightest hint of emotion.
It had totally slipped my mind. She was taking her glucose test and they were going to do a pretty in-depth ultrasound. At least I think, but to be honest I wasn’t sure.
“You sound upset. Are you worried about it?”
“I wouldn’t say worried, but since my thyroid levels have been low, yeah, I’m a little on edge. I just want everything to go well, and I feel so guilty that about the only time I ever think like this is right before I have an appointment. It’s just so different from the last time I was pregnant.”
BOOM. She nailed it. And the fact that I hadn’t even remembered the appointment was evidence that it wasn’t just her who wasn’t treating this pregnancy like the last one. It was me, too. And that’s one of the many reasons why I love Caroline so much.
See, between the two of us, I’m the articulate one, but she’s often the one who initially identifies the stuff which I go on to articulate. And Caroline finally broached the pink elephant that’s been sitting in the room the past 27 weeks: this pregnancy hasn’t gotten the attention that the last one received, and it hasn’t even been close.
I know. Everyone can say that, right? I mean, the second go round of anything isn’t quite like the first. Only for Caroline, her second pregnancy was with triplets, so, in some ways, it got even more attention than her first simply because, medically speaking, it had to. Plus, it was our first pregnancy. We were going to be parents together. And we couldn’t have been more excited, so, naturally, it only made sense that such a pregnancy would get a bunch of fanfare, if you will.
But more than anything else, our quiet little life back then? Though I suppose is seemed full to us at the time, it had plenty of room for our pregnancy. Plenty. These days? You couldn’t cram another single thing into our lives even if you were armed with a shoehorn and a tub of Vaseline.
From time to time, I read the other posts on this blog and I’m envious of the obvious energy my colleagues (I hate that word) here at Babble are able to give to their pregnancies. It’s as it should be. It’s as it was for Caroline and me before. And it’s as it was for Caroline’s first pregnancy.
But it’s not the way it is now.
Caroline’s thyroid turned out to be fine. And our Grand Finale is clocking in at 2-1/2 pounds. He’s in the 50% percentile. Things are proceeding nicely. And the closer we get to July 20th, the better in my book. Because with each passing day, this little fellow gets more and more real. And we are so excited to welcome him into the world, if for no other reason than this one:
Grand Finale deserves a little more attention than he’s getting right now. And I promise he’s gonna get it.
Image: stock.xchng
Go Back To Being Pregnant
8 Comments
Kat Gordon commented on Apr 21 11 at 10:59 amStunning piece, John. I think all parents of more than one child can relate. Everyone feels sorry for the oldest child when a sibling is on the way, saying things like “oh, poor so-and-so is now going to have to share the spotlight.” What they fail to realize is that babies #2 #3 #4 (and in your case, #5) NEVER got to have their parents’ undivided attention. And they never will.
I love when seasoned parents tell it like it is. We all need to hear it. I remember when my first son was born and sometimes he would cry in his carseat when I was driving and I couldn’t do anything about it, I asked a neighbor Dad of four what to do. “Turn up the radio,” was his reply.
johncaveosborne commented on Apr 21 11 at 11:03 am@Kat — you rock. (as does your neighbor dad! what great advice!) it was so great to meet you in NOLA. wish we had had more time to chat!
iris1973 commented on Apr 21 11 at 11:11 amI’m glad to read this, because I too was feeling guilty that I was not devoting as much time and energy to my second pregnancy (I’m 20 weeks along), even though I keep reminding myself that in my first pregnancy I did not have an active toddler and a full time job to contend with. And you guys have triplets….!!! I think I’ll try to remember you and your family the next time I feel like complaining….it can always be more difficult than I think I have it. Still, I can’t seem to find a way to bond with this pregnancy. I am crossing my fingers that things will start to seem “real” very soon.
johncaveosborne commented on Apr 21 11 at 11:19 am@iris—to a certain extent, i think that there is too much pressure put on y’all (and the dads, too) to get all fired up about a pregnancy and stop the world to pay homage to it 7 days a week. but we’ve all got busy lives, and it can’t be all “skip, skip, skip to my Lou,” 24/7.
like you, we want for this little guy to seem more and more real. and he will as time continues to pass. but just last night i was thinking this: i’d trade pregnancy for baby in 2.2 seconds. those are thoughts that never occurred to me last time.
expressing those thoughts, whether it’s you, me, or anyone else, doesn’t make us good or bad. it makes us honest. thanks for reading and GL w/ your pregnancy!
Dakotapam commented on Apr 21 11 at 1:53 pmI can relate. . .sort of. Our “grand finale” was the TWINS. So they got a lot more attention than I planned to give the pregnancy.
You see, we had four sons first. And I treasured them. I basked in my pregnancies. They were nicely spaced out. And then, when the youngest was ready to go to kindergarten, the husband pointed out that he really, really, really wanted a daughter.
So, I agreed to ONE more baby. And I knew it would be a boy. And I kind of ignored my pregnant self. I waited to go to the doctor until about 14 weeks. And then at 22 weeks via our ultrasound appointment we learned that our life was getting turned upside down with twin girls. I went from totally normal, boring pregnancy to high risk in 20 minutes.
It was hard to stomach, but then we came to grips and now we enjoy our very full house!
Good luck with the rest of the pregnancy. I always wondered what it would be like to have a singleton after multiples. I don’t plan to find out firsthand.As hard as it was being pregnant with the twins (and delivery was no fun either) I might almost be disappointed if I were to get pregnant again and find out that there was JUST one:)
pantrygirl commented on Apr 21 11 at 2:51 pmThank you. I’ve been feeling guilty that I haven’t given this pregnancy as much attention as my first. I know I have a toddler and am working and juggling but that didn’t seem like an excuse for giving this child the short end of the stick.
It brings up my fear that I won’t be able to love this child or give him/her the attention that she/he deserves. I know that’s poppycock but I’m a first time second time mom here with hormones beyond hormones pumping in my gestating body.
Thank you for expressing what I’ve been feeling. Granted, you guys have triplets and an older child and I only have a 2 year old and an 8 month old puppy. If I were you guys, I’d be tuckered out.
mbmom7 commented on Apr 21 11 at 5:07 pmPlease remember that the attention you give the the first pregnancy (or the triplet pregnancy) was in some part due to that fact that is was all new – so it wasn’t just happy basking in pregnancy, it was worried if some symptom was normal, wondering if the baby was breech/too small/too big, if labor was hard, if you could find the right crib/stroller/home, etc. So having a pregnancy in which you can forget about it sometimes is a really good thing – it means 1) you’re learned some of the hard stuff in the previous pregnancy 2) it’s not all new to you and 3) there are no major concerns in the pregnancy. As my midwife says, “Boring pregnancies are good ones.”
Patrick (yeah, that one) commented on Apr 22 11 at 2:36 pmYour first pregnancy together was just that, your first pregnancy together. And I’m not using the ‘your’ as the possessive in this case, but as in the shared experience mode. Your second pregnancy together will get less attention and thought for a variety of reasons, but the biggest one is simple and obvious to me. During the triplet pregnancy, you two had one child part time, which means that you had more time to invest in thoughts of the pregnancy and the whirlwind that would come of it. For the so-called Grand Finale pregnancy (which is just a name, not a fact. Yet.), you are living within the spinning whirlwind of caring for three three-year-old children and their natural hyperactivity of both speech and action, which requires you to focus absolutely on the thigh-high turmoil surrounding you and limits those moments of peaceful introspection about the one to come. There’s nothing wrong with the lessened focus on the one to come; it’s natural and expected. The main thing is that you care just as much and love just as much for the one to come as the ones already ricocheting past on their mad comet trajectories. It’s merely that the one to come is, well, quieter, confined, and requires less direct attention right now. Ah, but once he enters the world, and gets taught all the lessons his siblings can teach, he’ll be ricocheting right along with them and you’ll give your tiniest rogue moon as much attention as he needs to feel loved and appreciated, just like your other children. Because that is the kind of people you and Caroline are. :-)
And when your next Grand Finale pregnancy comes along, you’ll be less angst ridden about it too, because you’ll know it’ll all be okay. ;-)
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