[...] 5 Reasons I Would Never Publicly Compare and Contrast My Children My response to a post authored by a woman who makes a “shocking mom confession,” namely that she loves one of her children more than another. [...]

Absolutely right John. Even if one has a favorite, it is essential that one shows no difference in treatment between one’s children. The harm it can do to have the perception of having one child seem to be more important than another cannot be measured nor can it be easily corrected, and that can haunt people’s lives even if they no longer quite remember why. Inferiority complexes and misunderstood views are bad enough even when parents try to be balanced between their children, but when favoritism is out there in black and white I can only imagine how much harder it can be to see lasting proof that Mommy loved someone else more.

Sure, it is easy to appreciate how much easier life with an 8 month old is compared to a child who has passed from their terrible twos to their tyrannical threes, but this is a temporary state that will pass. Perhaps in two years we will see another article on how she loves her precocious kindergartner more than her demanding three year old. But this still ranks as an article that never should have been written this way.

Parents are tired and worn out people. Especially parents of babies and toddlers. Yes, we can all get upset and possibly yell or get on to the kid who is climbing, jumping, throwing, breaking, hitting, bitting more than the other kid, but kids are not possessions where if we are not happy with one, we can trade it in for a model that doesn’t throw fits.

If I’m in the kitchen and any one of my kids starts doing something they shouldn’t do, I could yell from the kitchen to stop doing what they are doing. Will they stop? Chances are they won’t. It’s not that they are bad kids and don’t respect their father. It’s because I’m in a different room focusing on something else.

It’s my job as a parent to stop whatever it is I am doing, go to them and let them know what is right.

It’s my job to go down to their level so they understand, not to make them come up to my unobtainable level to a child.

If her three year old is causing trouble, well she just verified that science exists because it proves she has a three year old. I feel she needs to go down to her three year old’s level instead of making her three year old come up to her’s when she’s obviously making it difficult to relate to her as it is.

***now this is judging only from the passage above. I’m making a generalization based on this info********

Great post John!
Btw, your children are beautiful!

Very well said.

To say that I treat my 3 kiddos equally and fairly would be a lie. My kids are different people, with different needs and personalities. What I can say is that I treat all my kids as THEY NEED me to treat them. I do love them all equally.

Sometimes I don’t like my kids. That’s okay, too. Sometimes they just aren’t very likeable. I have a teenager, tween and kid. Two girls and a boy. Right now, at this stage, heck yeah the boy is easier to raise. God knows he’s simpler to understand because he doesn’t have all the emotional and hormonal crap going on. But my girls. Lord love them, they teach me new things every day. I have learned to appreciate those lessons, even when we are all yelling and glaring at each other. It is impossible for 3 females to share space without arguing. Trust me.

I appreciate that parents sometimes feel closer to one child than another. But to imply that like and love are the same emotion is wrong. Love your kids because of their differences, and get to know who they are so you can learn to like them, too.

John, THANK YOU for your article. It’s exactly everything I had been thinking when I read Kate’s article (and was horrified since I am a mother of one dead child and one living child). Her honesty was admirable, however, I felt it was a selfish, cruel honesty and not one to be commended. You are a wonderful father for your kiddos and I’m so proud and happy to hear a father’s point of view – the supposed half of the species that take longer to bond with their kids than their women counterparts and you still get it! Imagine that… Kudos and more kudos to you.

Really? More on this subject AGAIN? Thanks for your post John and I appreciate what you’re saying and I do agree that public forums for what Kate had to share was probably not the best idea. Share the deep dark stuff with a therapist or a Moms group, that’s a better place for it. Now, with that said, I don’t appreciate your throwing your thoughts out there either, are you better or worse than her or anyone else? Nooooo.

Let this go people. What her or anyone elses children might read on this someday will end up being worse if we keep this up. Talk about confusing and hurtful for the kids of the world!

You know, someone once told me, “Never write something down that you don’t want someone else to read.”
What if her daughter finds this blog post years from now??? What damage will that create?
Some things are best kept to ourselves.

I’m with you on this 100%. This was a great response to that ridiculous post. Another aspect that struck me is that Babble went to great lengths to promote the controversy of this “Major Mom Confession.” I have a blog, and I got an email from Babble asking me to tell my readers to check out the inevitable sideshow it would become. I know other bloggers that got the email as well. I don’t mind that, really, and in fact I wrote a response (sans links), but it all seems very calculated to drive traffic through outrage. Not surprising, but a little distasteful.

I’m confused. Are bloggers supposed to write things on the internet or not? Because if so, it implies two things: they will be subjected to readers’ opinions, and readers will be subjected to their thoughts. It’s a two way street, people. If you don’t like the article, go elsewhere. But conversely, if the blogger doesn’t like the comments, saying “Well, you don’t know me and you have no right to say anything!” doesn’t make sense either. If that’s the case, turn off the comments.
I supported Kate in her first entry, but was kind of turned off by the second one that was so defensive, as though she had no idea anyone was reading or would comment negatively. However, I do agree that a LOT of commenters out there were way out of line with the things that they said…have you no compassion, people?
Kate, if you’re reading this, please remember that everyone out here – ESPECIALLY on a “mommy” site – is going to be some of the most opinionated, often MEANEST people you will find. In future I hope you will continue to write about whatever you want, but please don’t be surprised when people don’t like it and verbally abuse you. It sucks, but it’s the internet. Hang in there.

I think it took a lot of courage to write what many parents think or feel at times, but could never bring themselves to openly admit. I appreciated her honesty but the righteous indignation in bold after the post “I am shocked and ashamed that all of you took my words so poorly” should have been an apology to those who misunderstood it. When one writes “There are moments – in my least sane and darkest thoughts – when I think it wouldn’t be so bad if I lost my daughter, as long as I never had to lose my son” words like “least sane” and “darkest thoughts” do not subtly imply a loss via death, it practically screams it. To lose a child in a divorce situation, as she gave as one of the possible scenarios, could be in your saddest thoughts but to be angry at people for interpreting “least sane” and “darkest thoughts” is unreasonable.

I think Kate’s post was very brave. I come to this site because I’m pregnant for the first time and I’ve found the blog posts to be very informative. I come here to learn what it means to different people to be pregnant or to be a parent. I have learned from Danielle’s posts about how to cope with the possibility of a c-section (I’m planning a water-birth), I’ve learned from Monica about her trials and tribulations with breastfeeding, I’ve learned about the experience of a natural birth from Kate. I’ve learned so many things about what to expect and since this is my first time, I’m not particularly horrified by anyone’s pregnancy, birthing or parenthood advice. I come here with an open mind and I don’t take offense to anyone’s individual experience because who am I to judge? I feel like I will now be more prepared if I ever find myself in the same situation. Kate has expressed many times that she does not think her daughter will be upset by her posts and hopes that it will empower her. Who knows her daughter, her family and herself better than Kate? Certainly not an anonymous commenter.

Wow, I’m really not a fan of this article. Two bloggers on the same site will often have different views on the same subject, but to call another blogger on your site out for something you disagree with is very petty and honestly very unprofessional. Two bloggers on the same site shouldn’t be in a popularity contest and definitely shouldn’t publicly admonish one another in their writing. A shared blog is a forum for thoughts and differing perspectives, not snarky retorts from other writers. If I were Kate I would be very offended as this is the information for a personal e-mail or comment, not a post. It’s insulting and honestly it doesn’t matter whether or not you agree with Kate, this kind of response is very unappealing.

Completely agree with you. Especially # 1 and # 5!! It’s so great to read these simple words. It’s not about me and do unto others!!! How would Kate feel if her daughter would say publicly “i love daddy a little more…” it’s about respect and humility for the children I think.,,,it’s crazy that parents think they are better and/or demand more respect than children. They are still people, and what’s more– they are little people and we should be generous of their feelings and thoughts

@Tara — if you think my post was snarky, then i’m convinced you don’t know what the overused term actually means. because it was not snarky in the least. also, given that i posted 5 reasons i’d never compare and contrast my kids, it think it’s ironic that you used the term “popularity contest” in your comment.

even so, thanks for reading, not to mention taking the time to reply.

Well said, John. I also have it on good authority that if you ever say anything negative about your feelings toward one kid, even if you don’t write it down, that moment can later be revealed to the kid, even years later, even out of context, and rock his/her world. Never play favorites, even in your heart.

John….thank you…..thank you…thank you! Parenting is one of the hardest jobs in the world and one that you have to be careful with. Each child is different and sometimes you can wish one would act more like the other but each one is made with their own DNA(laugh, pout, smile, personality et.) It is our responsibility to instill with each child how special they are. I have 3 children, 2 boys and 1 girl and my daughter passed away at the age of 14. When she was sick it was hard not to make it about her all the time. We had to learn how to remember her but not make her an idol and the full focus of our family. Our boys are now adults and we have gone back many time to ask forgiveness because we have realized how they felt over issues in their childhood…..thank goodness they are the forgiving type…..it’s cheaper than counseling!

Bravo, John. I agree with all of your points.

I was the “daughter” in that situation. My mother had a kid she loved just a little more than me. I will never, ever be friends with him. She didn’t think it manifested, but it did in every aspect of our life and now I am out both a mother and a brother. I can’t imagine how much worse that would be if she’d written, on the internet, that though I am a fine person, I am not enough for her.

I think I probably would have slit a wrist if I ever read it.

I feel really, really bad for that woman’s daughter. Not because she said it, but because she said it out loud, forever online, with her kid’s picture attached to it.

Wow. You really nailed it.

@Jill — i may or may not have been simply trying to keep it professional. tough to say.

and i agree w/ KAG’s take, too. the phrase “outrage bait” (which a friend of mine used) comes to mind. that said, goodness knows i don’t know what’s going on inside kate’s mind. and if i were looking for anything to praise, honesty was the most findable thing.

that said, please believe me when i tell you that i do *not* feel that honesty was a noble thing in this case. again, for the five reasons i stated.

as a footnote, however, i do not think that honesty is overrated. but i do think pointless honesty is. thanks for reading…

@TrippedUpLife — hi there! Her Bad Mother had the same take. i saw where you commented on her post. did you happen to read my comment on that same post? and HBM’s response to it? i think it clears up a lot. but long story short, i think it’s fair to say that my dander was up a bit when i wrote this post b/c i feel so passionately about not doing what the other blogger chose to do. as such, i think my language was a bit sensational… b/c, in fact, i don’t believe that a parent should never, ever put his or her interests first. paradoxically, by doing never putting his or her interests first, a parent would in turn fail to put his or her children’s interest first. b/c what miserable folks we’d be if we never put our own interests first. and if we’re miserable folks, odds are we’d be miserable parents. so, to that end, what i really meant to say is that as parents it behooves us to put our interests first in matters such as these — in other words, which interest is more important? mine to get a shocking revelation off my chest? or my daughter’s who might be very hurt at that shocking revelation?

w/ regard to comparing triplets… we did vow to not compare them: “to any significant degree.” and, perhaps i could have done a better job of flushing that out. but you nailed it when you wrote this:

“Maybe you’re only speaking of identifying differences in a way that finds one of your children wanting in some way – then that I get.”

that’s precisely what i meant. b/c, like you, we marvel at the uniqueness of our trio. one’s totally in charge, one’s a bouncy little mischievous monster and one’s a pensive, reflective snuggling type. at least for now. Lord knows that can and will all change.

the real point of my post, which i think you got since you agree with “so many” of my points, is that negative comparisons, especially when done in a hugely public manner, is seldom if ever in a child’s best interest. as such, my wife and i don’t believe in doing it.

really appreciate you reading, as well as for your thoughtful comment!

I’m a father of two boys. I love them both, but in my heart, I love the older one more.