None of us are perfect parents — we just have to try to do right by our kids. I’m sure your friends encouraged you to repost your article about loving your son more because they know who you are, what your intentions are, and what a good parent you are in real life. Unfortunately your daughter — if she ever does read that article — will be reading that article with emotional and personal eyes and she will not be so calm and objective as your friends b/c the article is about HER. Despite your deepest wishes and your best intentions, she will not walk away from that article with any epiphanies except that she was less loved by her own mother. Maybe there are mothers out there who love one child more than the other but to confirm a child’s worst suspicions in writing for them to see when you might not be around to explain yourself is just not a smart thing to do. I really hope you reconsider your decision about keeping that article up. Don’t think about it from your perspective or your friends’ perspectives (it’s not THEIR mom telling the world they would rather have a sibling survive over them). Think about it from your daughter’s perspective because as a human being, she will not be so rational and objective when reading it. If she truly feels the lack of a bond with you which she probably does, then that article will only serve to worsen or sever any new bonds you hope to create. I applaud you for your honesty as that is what makes a great writer but please don’t do it at the expense of your children.

I just wanted to thank you for your honesty. I grew up believing that I would instantly love my children equally, but it hasnt been so. I struggle with this everyday and have felt incredibly lonely not being able to share this with anyone. Reading your post made me realize that I’m only human and that it is ok to feel this way, Im not the only one. I can now concentrate (now that I know that I¨m not alone or mental) on being a better parent to my daughter, instead of agonizing over why I dont feel the same bond as with her sister. Many people judged you for putting this out on the internet for the whole word to see, I can only applaud you and say thank you. I REALLY needed to read these words, and many other mommies do too. Thank you again, you really really don’t know how much your words have made a difference to me.

Loved both your posts. I can relate to what you feel – I have a 5 months old baby who is so sweet and light and funny, and easy to deal with (for now!), compared to my challenging 3.5 yo daughter, who is strong-headed, always wants things to be done her way, throws at least 45 tantrums a day, doesn’t listen to what we tell her or ask of her, and shouts very rudely at us. Sigh… I love her dearly and she will be my little baby all her life, I bonded with her right at birth so no problem on this side. But sometimes I look at her and I’m just thinking how life would be easier (but sad and less interesting also!) without her, and also I wonder how I am going to lead her into adulthood without damaging her too much with my bad parenting… ;0)
I don’t know if you need ideas to create a special bond with your daughter, but did you think about giving her a massage regularly? I recommend the book Infant Massages, by Vimala McClure. It covers massaging your child from birth through teenage years. Being touched is so important for a child. Vimala talks about the importance of touch in her book.
Also, what about a “girls only” moment every week? No need to go out, just retreat for an hour to the bathroom or bedroom, take a scented bath together, brush your hair, put lotion on your bodies, massage each other’s back, maybe paint your toenails if you’re into that.

I get that you are not perfect, I really do. I get that your mum wasn’t perfect, and good that you now have a relationship with her. Truly, well done. And I applaud the fact that rather than bottle these feelings up, you are letting them out. That’s wonderful.

But this is the Internet.

Saying things like “There are moments – in my least sane and darkest thoughts – when I think it wouldn’t be so bad if I lost my daughter, as long as I never had to lose my son (assuming crazy, dire, insane circumstances that would never actually occur in real life). I know that sounds completely awful and truly crazy.” in THERAPY or to a trusted group of friends is one thing. Saying it in a very public forum, where it will be saved and indexed *forever* is quite another. Because when your kid Googles your or her name for the first time, she is going to read those words. Your child will sit in front of the screen and try to process that kind of information, and it is not going to be pretty. At 20 or 30 years of age, yes, she will be able to process that her mother was a woman doing her best. At the age of 10, 12, whenever she decides to get online and try out the Internet, she is going to understand NONE of those nuances. She is going to read that it wouldn’t be so bad if Mommy lost her, as long as her brother were alive. And that is going to kill her inside.

The Internet is forever. Please bear that in mind the next time you slap your kid’s full name, photo, and those chilling words on the screen.

i have 4 kids and i completely understand where you are coming from. anyone who lectures you is missing the point. it is obvious you are aware and trying to ‘improve’. you can’t change your feelings, but good for you for expressing them. my daughter was born under a far-from-ideal situation and i have struggled for the 2 years of her life to feel close to her in the way i do to her 3 older brothers. i think it is human nature also to gravitate to the child who is easiest, most mellow, most obedient, etc. yes, i love my daughter’s spunk and spirit and humor. much of the time i enoy her and i work hard to give her the love and affection she seems to need more than her siblings. and i am glad she will never be steamrolled over in life because she is so tough. but from a self interested perspective, i find being around her drama, clinginess and challenging behavior much more stressful than, say, being with my oldest. he is generally calm and cooperative. i also struggle with my second son, who is similar to my daughter – high drama, constantly challenging authority, etc.
a parent can’t erase her personality. just as we like adults who are similar to us in energy, philosophy, style, etc., it is a natural reaction to feel closer to kids who are more like us, or who simply make our lives easier. my oldest son is both similar to me and also different in some of his interests, but he is definitely the easiest of my kids (most mature, rational, and cooperative – and not just because he is the oldest – that is just his nature). fortunately, as with you, my husband balances out some of my favoritism. because of his personality, he is particularly close to my second son, and doesn’t have the same issues with my daughter as i do (those he also sees the challenge that she presents). he also spends less time with them and therefore it’s easy for him to be more patient.
i also agree that if we are honest we will realize that we do contribute to (though i wouldn’t say we are fully responsible for) a lot of the unattractive behavior in our kids. recognizing that is important because it can help change some bad patterns. I am working on that too…

I wish more people would realize that its NORMAL to not bond with a child instantaneously. I was made to feel bad/guilty for not ‘falling in love with my daughter’ and like you hope that future children I will have that experience with. I will say that all the trials and tribulations her and I have gone through together have brought us closer than I ever could have asked for from that ‘instantaneous’ I love you….its worth so much more to me. I think you are a great mom and give you props for admitting your darkest feelings. we ALL have them, whether its about our kids, husband, family, whatever…..just because some people are righteous about their love for their child doesn’t mean they are perfect…..

I don’t think any of the comments were accusing you of not being perfect. The issue most seem to have, and the issue that I have, is that you’re posting these in a forum where they are public, you are public, and your daughter and her image are. We don’t know you. I don’t know you. I don’t know what kind of parent you are beyond what you post, and based on that, it’s easy to make a snap judgment. Your word choice in your first piece left many, myself included, disturbed. Talking about which child you would prefer to have die, if God forbid that ever happened, and talking about your new baby as though you’ve given up on your daughter. These are the things that have disturbed people. To go and read your posts about wanting to have many many children when you talk about your obvious noticeable preference for one child is disturbing. I’m sure you’re a good mother. I’m sure you love your children. But take a step back and see that you say in your post and understand why people have had the reaction they have.

Did NONE of you EVER have mothers that taught you that if you don’t like something, to keep your mouth shut and walk away?! Instead of reading what you know to be a tiny, tiny snapshot into my life and condemning in nasty, insane voices — yes, INSANE — why don’t you understand that you, like everyone, have also had crazy thoughts. And then just walk away. Got it? And go back and read my update to my last post. I NEVER “wished my daughter was dead” nor would I. Do you understand that? I’d be ready to kill YOU if you came to my house and told me you were taking her. If that was the only way to stop you, that is what I would do. I would stop at nothing to protect her. Yes, this is a public forum. I accept that. I understand that. I’ve considered that. And I would choose to share this with my daughter anyway so I do not think that this is a horrible, horrible thing. That is MY choice. This is MY life! I shared in hopes that it could help other women who feel the same and feel they are all alone. Because they are not. And some of them get it. Some don’t.

So if you don’t like it, walk away. I’m an AWESOME mother and I don’t have to justify ANYTHING to any of you.

Lady, we didn’t walk into your home and tell you that you were a bad mother.

You put it on the Internet. The largest public forum in the world. And you put it on a location that has a comment box.

Don’t be surprised when we are shocked at your choice of venue, and don’t be surprised when we use the comment section to express that shock.

Seriously, this is like Internet 101.

Not everyone has had crazy thoughts. That’s the point of some of these comments. Not everyone agrees with you. You want to paint mothers with the same self-righteous brush and suggest that anyone who disagrees with you is the person with the problem. Not true. If you’re helping other mothers who feel the same way, that’s great. But you should be helping by suggesting some therapy and parenting classes are in order. While the feelings might be “normal”, they’re not healthy.

Kate, you said:
So if you don’t like it, walk away. I’m an AWESOME mother and I don’t have to justify ANYTHING to any of you.
Then what is this second post all about, if not justifying your first?
As someone who grew up as second best to her brother, this whole thing has been very painful to me to read. I’m sure that my mum too would have said that she loved us both the same, but differently. In her case, loving us differently meant that I was the one who got less affection, less one on one time, less advocating on my behalf but had more expectations placed on me, more guilt on my shoulders.
Look, I don’t know what the answer is for you. And I guess that it’s great that you can see that you have this preference. But I really feel for your daughter because I’ve been there, and I have some serious issues to do with intimacy and self-esteem that stems from this. As a teenager, I self-harmed. As an adult, I push people away – if not even my mother loved me enough, why should people who are not related to me? I never felt that there was ever anyone on my side, not even my mother. Don’t let your daughter grow up thinking that she’s second best. Please.

It’s one thing to say you aren’t perfect. It’s quite another to say you don’t mind if your daughter dies. And to say it on the internet where she will see it some day… well, that’s beyond the pale. You are too selfish and focused on your feelings to care about your daughter’s.

And I am not saying this because it “hit too close to home.” I have an only child, so struggling with favoring one child is not something I have dealt with.

We all have things we could be doing to be better parents, so I suggest that we all go do that and concentrate on making wonderful relationships with our children (whether we immediately fell in love with them or not) instead of accusing each other of needing psychological help.

Casting the first stone, and all that.

Again, Kate, thank you for your honesty.

Katie, Katie.
“I shared in hopes that it could help other women who feel the same and feel they are all alone. Because they are not. And some of them get it. Some don’t.”

If you had shared that thought and ended the post differently, you would have had a very different response.

For example, “I know other moms must have also experienced this, and I’m working with my therapist to sort through it all. If you are feeling this way, there is hope. Get help. If you have been through this and came out on the other side with a good relationship with your child, please share your stories, because I could use the encouragement right now.”

But you didn’t. You justified sharing (and normalizing) a crazy thought, that you didn’t mind if your daughter died as long as it wasn’t your son, and then further compounded people’s concerns by saying you were just going to start over with a new daughter. And maybe it would help the older one.

These are very troubling thoughts. You need to see a therapist. That’s not an insult. It’s the truth.

(And this is from someone who felt RAGE toward her infant son, who had terrible colic, in the midst of very bad PPD after a crappy breastfeeding attempt. I did speak with a therapist, who very quickly admonished me not to have another child right now when I told her “I just want to get pregnant again and do it all over.” She very clearly said to me, “You don’t fix a troubled relationship by replacing the other person. And your son will still be here, still receiving less of his mother than he should, even moreso. We need to work through this, and you need to learn to talk back to your thoughts and replace them with healthier ones.” And she was right.)

This is your wakeup call. No one faults you for being imperfect. They are concerned about what you are saying, justifying, and rationalizing.

I just wanted to thank you for your article. Your a blogger and that is what you do. The purpose of a blog is sometimes putting out there what you feel at the time. If people do not understand that, they shouldn’t be reading it. I am quite annoyed with the rude comments people have made towards you. All I can say is try to ignore them. I have 2 daughters and 1 son (he is in the middle and has aspergers) I totally understand what you are saying. My son can be a challenge with his special needs, but my daughters can be a handful. I think boys can be easier at times. By writing your blog, just think how many people can relate verses the people who have too much to say without knowing. Thanks again Kate!

Babble is deleting comments.

Thank you for posting this.

People love to judge other people and I think you are right that your previous post hit too close to home for a lot of us. Thank you for sharing with us, good on ya.

http://www.amountainmomma.com/

You should take your own advice, if you don’t have anything nice to say about your daughter, then keep your mouth shut. Why should you insist in showing this to her. I find your defenses illogical and hypocritical. You posted it, take the good with the bad and, take some more of your own advice and leave it alone. You’re not helping anything by coming here and making as inflammatory comments as the readers.

“why don’t you understand that you, like everyone, have also had crazy thoughts.”

Well, no. Everyone doesn’t have thoughts like that (the fantasizing about death thing, I mean). It helps to feel you’re not alone, sure. But sometimes people have thoughts that are simply unhealthy. Just because other people may be having similarly unhealthy thoughts doesn’t make it ok. Unhealthy thoughts need to be tackled at their source and rooted out.

“This is MY life!”

It’s also your daughter’s life. And she’s the one most people are more concerned about right now. Maybe you should be, too.

It makes me sad to see more and more evidence here accruing that mothers are not allowed to be normal, flawed human beings, and are not permitted to have normal feelings of frustration or favoritism for their kids. Are commenters comfortable being held to the same impossible standard they hold Kate to?

First of all, you’re wrong. I didn’t hate your last post because it resonated with my worst, most private thoughts. I have NEVER had those kinds of thoughts about my children. Yes, we in “internetland” don’t know you, but you don’t know us either. So quit being such a narcissist. There are minds and moms out there that don’t think like you.

Second, as with the first post, your self-pitying “don’t hate me because I’m not perfect” had a whole lot of ME, ME, ME! and very little about your daughter. The most common sentiment expressed in the scores of comments you received is how little you clearly thought of her to put something so hurtful in print for her to read someday. You also completely compromised her privacy despite saying some really damning things about her.

Stop looking for approval. You made a really, really bad choice in putting what should have been a protected and sacred relationship on the internet. Yes, none of us are perfect parents. But you’re a really irresponsible one.

I’ve not read the first post but can get an idea from the second post and the comments.
I have two thoughts.
First, as someone who grew up with a ‘perfect’ older brother, I was the wild child and it was a family joke that he was better loved by my mother. The BEST thing ever in my relationship with my mom was the day she honestly told me that she had liked my brother better (for lack of better words) because he was easier. He was easier to parent, easier to hang around, etc. And the honesty of her finally saying that made all the difference in the world to me. He WAS easier. I know that. And I truly appreciate and respect her finally giving me a reason and for being real with me.
Second, people are always going to judge you, not much you can do except develop a thick skin and believe in yourself, it sounds like you do & incredibly unfortunate you find yourself in a position of having to defend yourself.It truly saddens me that when others have a different opinion than you, they choose to attack. Mothering is hard enough. Sounds like you perhaps have your own reservations about having put those words out there on the internet. But omg, attacking moms for mistakes or honesty or whatever. c’mon. How about some support. You know those moms who throw their babies off bridges? I’m not saying this is you at all, – but if those moms had been able to honestly say to someone ‘i’m going insane, thinking about hurting my child, help me’, I bet there would be a better chance of that mom getting some help. But judgements and criticisms keep struggling moms quiet. And yes, I get there is a therapists office instead of the internet. But she chose the internet. Judge it if you must, but attacking her helps no one.

I just think there is a *lot* of deep, deep internalized misogyny in these 2 posts, in the many comments from other moms agreeing that they feel the same discrepancy with their kids — I can’t find a single one where it’s not ‘yeah, I love my son more than my daughter’ — and in the many women I know personally who say the same thing about their daughters v. sons. In fact, I’m kind of surprised that’s not a bigger theme in the reactions to them.

Sure, there are mothers who favor girls and mothers who favor boys. My mother loved me and invested in me *far more* than she did my 2 brothers, and neither I nor they are the better for it (plus it kept us from having any relationship at all until I emotionally cut the cord). But I see boy-favoring happening far more, which is depressing. It’s what the vast majority of fathers do (see all the studies about how dads are more likely to stick around in their marriages for sons than for daughters). And it’s what the world does. Isn’t it hard enough to live in this violently gendered world without having had the #1 person in your world relate to you differently based on your gender from day 1? Either way really, but especially when it’s misogyny you’re replicating in your own home. I swear, daughter-bashing has gotten to the point in some quarters where when moms start chatting about how “difficult” girls are, I just get up and leave.

But Kristin, you’re missing the point:
“You know those moms who throw their babies off bridges? I’m not saying this is you at all, – but if those moms had been able to honestly say to someone ‘i’m going insane, thinking about hurting my child, help me’, I bet there would be a better chance of that mom getting some help. But judgements and criticisms keep struggling moms quiet.”

The last part is the important part. The “help me” part. The something-is-wrong-here part.

It would not be healthy or helpful for a Susan Smith to post her harmful thoughts about wanting to hurt her kids and receive validation that many moms have those kinds of thoughts, it’s normal and ok, etc. Instead, she would need to hear that some moms do have those kinds of thoughts, but it’s not normal, and it’s not ok. It means you need to talk to a professional.

I really don’t get the uproar over suggesting someone see a mental health doctor. It’s not a freaking insult. Would you be insulted if I said that you should see a cardiologist when you mention that you have stabbing pain in your chest? Or would you prefer that I just say, “Eh, probably normal. Just ignore it.”

We ALL love our children the same amount but for different reasons, different seasons and different ages. Sometimes we are closer to one more than another, due to age, medical problems, or just because. It’s ok! Really. My parents seems to favor my brother more…he was into sports I wasn’t, he didn’t cause teenage issues, I did, etc…..but I never doubted they loved me the same.
As for perfect moms….I didn’t know there was such a thing!

Rita,

You have not a CLUE what you are talking about. Yes, on BAD days when my daughter is whining non-stop, I am less patient with her. Aren’t all moms?? That is not most days. I am not “excessively angry.” Despite the stress people like you have caused me by constantly arguing/attacking me the last two days, I have been extremely patient. My husband came home to find the children laughing hysterically and jumping around. That is common. I can tell they’re completely scarred for life, oh yes. I did not give any of you what a “typical day” looks like in my home. So you can’t possibly deem to know. And you say you understand this, yet you continue to make assumptions. Very sad that you have nothing better to do today.

“I just think there is a *lot* of deep, deep internalized misogyny in these 2 posts, in the many comments from other moms agreeing that they feel the same discrepancy with their kids”

And there’s even more misogyny in the comments that keep insisting that Kate’s feelings toward her daughter are abnormal, disturbed, evil, etc. There is a very real notion here that if mothers don’t do everything perfectly, even THINK perfectly, then they’re evil people who shouldn’t have had children. This is woman-hating and mother-hating.

I also think that the best mothers are those who do question and think their feelings. If you have never thought that you are being a bad mother then you probably are not doing it right.

Saying things like the author needs parenting classes or therapy is unkind. You don’t know her so you have no right saying such things.

The truth is the truth. It may hurt, but didn’t someone once say that if you do not bring forth what is within you it will destroy you?

I’m wishing that Babble would introduce some more professional and thoughtful bloggers at this point. This kind of screed against your readers misses the point, since this isn’t your personal blog.
1) As the writer, it is your responsibility to communicate what you intend to communicate to your audience. No, it won’t be perfect, even with a great editor. But when you wrote your line about who you would prefer die in the event that one child has to die, you crossed a pretty significant line. Blaming your readers for reacting strongly to that is ridiculous. How WOULD you have people react to a statement like that?
2) Honesty is a virtue, but it doesn’t make what you’re being honest about good or helpful or kind or healthy or respect to your child by default. When you open the conversation, you open it.
3) I remain convinced that you need therapy.
4) Although I’m only 2 months into it, no, I’m not convinced every parent has a favourite. A bunch of favourite ages, favourite moments, easier communication – sure. But not a favourite child. I don’t feel that yet. Sorry that you do.

You’re right, Momoftwo. Thanks. They did reinstate all of the comments that were missing earlier.

Also a note to Babble’s editors – I know this post and topic are web traffic and PV/V and SEO gold. But I hope you will consider taking it down in 6 months or a year as a kindness to Katie’s daughter. Thanks.

I think you really missed a big part of what other people were saying, Kate, in their comments to your previous post. They’re trying to tell you that, even if your friends (who know you so understand where you’re coming from) told you to put this article up, a lot of it is worded in a way that shows a lot of negative about your relationship with your daughter. Our eyes are the truly objective eyes since we aren’t looking at your words while entangled with you emotionally. So a lot of us believe that it wasn’t the best thing to put before the whole world when your daughter can stumble across it at any time without you by her side to explain anything she doesn’t understand.

This isn’t about you not being a perfect mom. No one in the world is perfect, and a lot of readers acknowledge that. It’s about your wording and about how therapy about this could only help you in the long run.

You talk a lot about being sick your daughter’s first year. I dealt with severe mental illness my son’s first year and a half myself. I was eventually diagnosed and am now successfully treated, but it sucked and was really rough. I’m sure when I have number two I may feel very differently about the first year, but if I ever feel like it’s to the point that it’s detrimental to my relationship with my first child, back to my therapist I’d go!

Like I said in my post to your previous story, this is something that should be worked out before another daughter comes along, and before a whole gaggle of kids comes along. This sort of thing happened between my mom, 7th of 8, and her mom, and it’s only harmed her relationship with her mom, her siblings, *and* me (her only kid).

So here’s what I don’t get:

Yesterday: “I think I love my son just a little bit more than my daughter.”

Today: “This in no way means that we love her less,…”

Which one is it? You spent yesterday defending the idea that it’s normal to love one child more than another, and today you say that’s not actually what you meant.

Katetirtje,
There is some really good advice and well-deserved criticism in the comments. If the best you can do is respond in the comments that people are wrong about you, then you obviously are not getting it. Since you don’t seem to want to work on yourself and the issues you are having, you should at least think about your daughter and remove those posts or edit them to at least take out the part where you say you wouldn’t mind if she died. I don’t care for your assertion that having conversations with your mom improved your relationship. You are an ADULT not a 3-year old. Certainly you should have discussions about this with your daughter when she is an ADULT if you feel it will help your relationship. If your daughter reads this any time before she is an adult, you can seriously damage her self-esteem and sence of worth and will find her acting out in ways you never even dreamed. THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU. You have a responsibility, not to be perfect, but to do the best you can for your children. Think about the effect of this on your daughter and take yourself out of it.

Also, honesty for honesty’s sake is not a virtue. It’s not brave. If it will hurt other people without doing them (or others) any good, it is not something that needs to be said. Many of us have thoughts we keep to ourselves (or between ourselves and our private diaries, or ourselves and a professional therapist) despite wanting to scream it from the rooftops. That doesn’t make us “ashamed” or “cowardly,” despite your assertions. It makes us adults who actually take other people’s feelings into account.
Maybe if you’d examined the reasons for your feelings a little more people would not be so horrified. I am not talking about what’s wrong with your daughter; I am talking about what’s wrong with you and, perhaps, our society.
Admitting to giving up on your kid now that another fresh one is on the way probably didn’t do you much good either, though.

Kate – Just read your comment from 10:46am, and wow. Just wow. For someone that’s been hired to be a professional blogger, that’s highly unprofessional. You should’ve realized what writing for an open, public website was all about. There are actually very few people that are being downright offensive towards you, and you respond in a very childish way. Dear, if you can’t take the heat of posting a controversial article on a very popular parenting site, then step away from the fire.

Amanda – If this was her personal blog that this was posted on, sitting there and saying that none of us readers have a right to say anything because we don’t know her would hold weight. But this isn’t her personal blog. And it doesn’t matter if we don’t know her personally. She’s publishing on a professional site as a professional blogger, and with that comes the comments from those on the outside. If she doesn’t like that, then it’s not the place for her. But coming on her and telling people that she hopes to have as readers that we have no place to have a voice simply because we haven’t known her for 15 years is ridiculous. And pointless. Save the “you don’t know her!” comments for her personal blog. This is an open, public website. End of story.

I think people took the word of LOVE Out of context. She loves her children differently. I relate. I love my son in ways that I’ll never love my daughter. I favor my son, he’s the oldest. I am happy she posted this because I know exactly how she feels.
We want moms to reach out for help and say I’m struggling but when they do, we trash them. So she did it publically, she still reached out for help and to share and to hopefully let other mothers out there know they are not alone.
I was told once, when something gets you upset it’s because it hits close to home. I’m thinking a lot of you mommy’s feel very similar and are wishing they had the courage to share, how they feel.

“You have not a CLUE what you are talking about.” It’s true – you have the privilege of knowing all the details of your emotions and daily life, where your readers have only the evidence of what you actually write. I think if you re-read what you actually wrote yesterday, you will see that you did not express the things you think you did (based on your responses here and there).

You DID say that you think you love your son more, that you believe he is more indispensable to you, that you treat and respond to them differently, and you did imply that your daughter’s behavior is a factor in your loving her less (implicitly putting some blame on her, a 3-year-old). And you did NOT put the qualifiers on it that you have done since in this response or in your comments. So those original statements stood on their own, and people responded not only to the content but to the wisdom and decency of publicly stating such hurtful things about your children.

HOWEVER, I do not actually believe that you feel this way. I believe now that you were simply acknowledging having fleeting thoughts along these lines, and that you may have equated having those thoughts and a difficult relationship with LESS LOVE. But that is not how you expressed yourself in your posts, and therefore people have responded to what you actually did express.

Yesterday, you made no mention of concrete, active plans to change your relationship with your daughter – just “hopes” that things would improve – which was also a point of contention for people. Today, you say you will probably sign up for a class. I do hope you will take an active role in shaping your relationship with your daughter, because it is in your control. I appreciate that having a frank conversation with your mother helped YOUR relationship with her, but I wouldn’t operate on the assumption that your daughter will respond the same way when she reads this some day. I’m hopeful that in the meantime you will have improved the relationship so that you can point to this and say, “Look how wrong I was about us.”

Boy, it’s easy to toss stones on the internet, especially when your total knowledge of the situation is some twenty-odd paragraphs. Easier still when the writer has a voice full of earnest honesty and vulnerability. Congratulations! Those of you sniping at Kate are now at least as principled as a schoolyard bully. It can only improve from here, I’m sure.

Kate, thank you. I don’t know that I’ve ever felt exactly the same as you have, but I do know that I empathize with what you said, and it spoke to me as a father and a person. I don’t think you need therapy any more than the next soul among us. I wish I had your self-awareness, and I wish I was brave enough to confront the parts of myself I don’t like head-on. Posts like yours give me courage. I hope you’ll take courage from those of us supporting you and your words as you face the self-serving slings and arrows being hurled here.

Kate, the reaction your posts have created remind me of the online fury that erupted last year when Kathryn Blundell wrote about not wanting to breastfeed. Or when part of Amy Wilson’s book, How Did I Get Like This, was excerpted on Yahoo’s Shine and she was ripped apart for wanting to dress up her little girl from time to time.

More links and info here: http://www.amountainmomma.com/?p=148

People don’t like it when women speak the truth, when we talk about how we may fail or not enjoy all that motherhood offers 100%.

I for one appreciate your candor, Kate. My own mother tended to favour me over my sister. Had she realized it early on it would have certainly made a difference in their relationship. Once you realize there is a problem, then you can take steps to neutralize the effects. Good for you.

@Alicia – I have never said people are not entitled to speak their piece. In fact, in previous repsonses I have insisted that there is a place for everyone’s voice.
I merely commented on my frustration that people are using this as a platform to hurl negativity that won’t help anything improve. They just want to be appalled, shocked, and ball that up into insults to toss over to Kate. That si what I’m saying is not appropriate.
I fully recognize that this is not her personal blog. But I will also play devil’s advocate here to say that free speech also extends over this post. So, you can’t tell her she can’t post, and I can’t tell you you don’t get to comment.
My point was if you don’t like the things she posts, you have every right to not look, to walk away, instead of staying here to stew in your own hate.

I realise that you are being very honest, but what you don’t realise is that so are the commenters coming down on you. Do you really think that people are angry about your article because it expresses their own secret, shameful feelings? It may make you feel better to think that, but it simply isn’t true. The vast majority of people DON’T love their children unequal amounts, at ALL, and the vast majority literally COULD NOT pick between them. Your feelings don’t make you a bad person, but they aren’t normal or healthy for your family, and you should attempt to rectify them. Firstly, you say you met your son in ideal conditions and had an instant bond, but you are attributing feelings of a precious and unique bond you feel to a baby who will not share them. I think part of why you love your son more is because you think he loves you more than your daughter does, but I assure you that will not be the case – your feelings about your early bonding with your son are just that, your own, he will not have felt any magical moment, and when he is older he will likely be just as defiant and difficult as your daughter. Secondly, as regards your daughter’s difficult behaviour and the fact that she isn’t as snuggly as your son – how can you not see that that is probably because YOU are far more snuggly and relaxed with your son than with her? I think you need to accept that no one is saying you’re a bad person, but that these feelings ARE bad and need fixing, and that if your daughter reads this post in the future she will more likely than not be damaged by it. You need to work on your own feelings and attitudes to your children, and remove this post and any trace of it you can, although now that’s going to be very difficult.

You know, this post would have been fantastic if you’d done it anonymously. Choosing to reveal such taboo feelings is truly refreshing. My mom favored my brother and I’ve always known it. That being said, even though I liked the honesty of you admitting how you felt about your older daughter, did you have to put her name and picture out there like that?????

I know you say you feel no permanent repercussions from your mother telling you she treated you unfairly but how do you know your daughter will react in the same way? You’re going ballistic over these comments from strangers. Imagine what your daughter will feel when she sees, in writing from HER OWN MOTHER, that you wouldn’t be terribly sad if she were to get lost but would be sick if anything were to happen to her dearly loved brother.

As I said, I knew my mother favored my brother, but if I had read words like that that my mother had written, then I can say with certainty that whatever weak lines of communication that are left between us would surely disappear.

In an anonymous format, this confession would have been fantastic and brutally honest. But the many commenters that agree with you can simply use a made up name. Their honest feelings do not come with a name and picture. It is really too bad you did not do the same.

Please realize that I am not criticizing you. I just feel really, really bad for you. I think you are now regretting what you’ve written and thanks to technology, it can never be taken back.

I’m hoping for the best for you and your daughter.

Wow, some things just don’t need to be published on the Internet. Every mother knows there is no such thing as a perfect mother, so putting this out there is not telling us anything we didn’t know.

Wow. Well, that certainly doesn’t make the situation any better. You can go ahead and justify the reactions to your words by saying that none of us know you, so we’re not entitled to judge you (then why publish it on a public forum that invites feedback?) and by claiming people were upset because they feel the same way but aren’t brave enough to put it out there (it’s generally best not to nominate yourself for martyrdom- it loses a little something), but it doesn’t change the situation. You’re repeating a pattern of behavior that is hurting your child and you’re fully aware of it. Honestly, it seems as though you’re more worried about how people perceive you as a mother than you are about actually being a good mother.

For the sake of your family please see a professional.

Kate – Reflecting on your situation with your mother, how do you really know that your favoritism isn’t a reflection of what happened to you? That you automatically developed favoritism for your son simply because your mom did it, and so you’ve dismissed it as a situation where your daughter is a “daddy’s girl” and you have your “mama’s boy”? How sure are you that what happened to you didn’t affect you at a very deep level you’re not aware of, and how can you know that your daughter won’t be affected unless you have a professional help you figure it out?

I know the chances of you reading this are slim… I just needed to applaud your honesty,regardless of how overly honest some would call it. Your writing comes from your heart… Any truly talented writer would understand exactly where your words come from.

It saddens me how quickly our society jumps into judgement. This is exactly why Mothers keep the truth to themselves… essentially letting it fester and grow into something deeper and darker, till the day it comes back to haunt them.

You are not alone my friend. Your daughter will, your children will be brought up knowing it is ok to have true realistic feelings. They will be able to share rather than carry around doubt and thinking there is something wrong with thembecause of it.

Thank you for taking the beating in the name of truth and growth as a Mommy… You have reignited the spark of truth in me.

Godspeed to you and your little ones~
:) B.B. Birdie

@sophie I disagree that “The vast majority of people DON’T love their children unequal amounts, at ALL”

When you have your first child it is just you and that baby. It is a different ball game when the second one comes along. Everything is different, they are different. It doesn’t mean you don’t love them, but you do have slightly different feelings for them. How can you love two different people exactly the same? I am sorry, but that just isn’t possible.

I would do anything for both of my girls, ANYTHING. But I do relate differently to them as individuals. My youngest is at a difficult age at the moment and I am not able to give her the same kind of attention that I gave my first child at the same stage because there simply isn’t enough time and there are more people in the house now to give attention to.

That said, I love both my girls, but I love them differently. They have markedly different personalities, strengths, and interests. I love that my oldest loves to draw and dance. I love that my youngest loves to build cities, talk to the blocks, lick the blocks, well, she just loves blocks.

They are both wonderful in their own ways. They were also born at different times in my life when I was a different person. So many things shape our lives and our experiences, nothing is cookie cutter, everything is organic. You just have to roll with it.

Wow, you are in serious denial if you think most of the criticism directed at you was because your post “hit too close to home.” It is normal to prefer the personality traits of one child over another and have “a favorite.” It is pathological to declare that your love for one child is stronger than the love for your other child, that you wouldn’t mind losing her, and hey, at least you may have a “do-over” if you have another girl in the future. It is completely immature and ignorant of you to not realize that a baby is likely to be easier to handle than a 3 year old, and it is selfish to decide it’s completely acceptable to nuture one child more because he handles stress in a more ‘cuddly’ way than your daughter does. Be a parent. Seriously. Get some counselling and some parenting classes. You are completely self absorbed. This ‘open door’ policy BS about hoping your child sees this one day is telling- at some point, all your talk of honesty has to be balanced with the fact that your demons should be YOUR burden, not your children’s. Coming back with a piece that basically says “You feel the same way, too, you just won’t admit it!” and “Hey, my annoying clingy son ticks me off, too” didn’t win over any of your critics.

“Even now Bekah makes me laugh with the silly stories she tells me. I wish I really did have a journal to write down all the things she does.”

“For awhile now — a few months, actually — I’ve been considering that we (Bekah and I) should go to these “Bonding Before Birth” sessions.”

It sounds like you have some ideas of things that could bring you and your daughter closer, but you haven’t done them. Instead of blogging that you wish you had a journal, why not go buy one? Make an effort to record the goods times you have with your daughter- she’ll probably value reading about them after finding your first blog post. You say you’ve been thinking for months about taking a class, but haven’t actually signed up. If you think a class can repair this obviously deeply broken relationship then you need to be proactive and do it. You’re the adult here- you need to choose to fix this. You can be defensive as you want, but you put this out there, and I hope that you’ll take some of these critical comments to heart. No one here thinks you need to be a perfect mother, but you shouldn’t be a cruel one. For your daughter’s sake you need to change.

With all the kindest wishes in my heart for you and your family, Kate, I wish you’d remove these posts. I understand and appreciate that publishing them has been cathartic for you (and possibly for some readers who have felt similarly towards their own children), but by leaving them up you are putting Bekah at great risk. It’s chilling to realize that the unavoidable result of your compulsion to share means that, as sure as the sun sets and the stars shine, some schoolmate of hers will one day dredge up your words to hurt her more than you can possibly imagine. Please don’t give your daughter’s future tormentors this awful ammunition. Take the posts down. If you truly want your little girl to know how you feel, you can share these pieces with her privately when she’s old enough to cope with them. But don’t let anyone else use your cruelty to harm and humiliate her. Take the posts down, Kate. Be the mom that Bekah needs you to be right now.

Kate,

No one called you a bad mother or demeaned you as a person. As humans, no one is a perfect mother, or daughter, or sister, etc– not I, nor my own mother, nor you. We all know this. There is no need for you to defend yourself as you’re doing here. You don’t need to justify your feelings, although by declaring on the internet that you are an “AWESOME” mother, it comes across as desperate and a little insecure. Surely, when you posted your article, you had to have known not everyone was going to agree and praise you for writing it.

So to go out and call your readers “INSANE” is completely unprofessional. It comes across as you being angry that not everyone is praising you for writing such a great (and oh-so-honest!) article. Telling your audience to “walk away” and turn their backs is a little bit hypocritical coming from a women who just publicly shared her opinion for the world to read. Why aren’t your readers allowed their own thoughts and opinions?

And just as the readers here have interpreted your words much differently then you ever intended, I hope it at least makes you aware that one day, your children may not interpret your words here in the way you meant them.

Very sorry for earlier comments…very frustrating. “Insane” refers only to people who said things like ‘you should be sterilized’ ‘you should have your kids taken away’ or ‘you are a piece of %^$’. I do consider those comments over the top and a bit ‘insane’ given the situation. Not most of them, though.

Look, I understand that you’re at a difficult point in your relationship with your daughter. I get that you’re frustrated and that she’s not the easiest child all of the time. Lord knows that I was not the easiest teenager for my mother to deal with. And I think it’s important for you to have expressed your thoughts. But not here, on a forum so public that anyone who knows your name can google and find. Because I’m a lot like Bekah; I’m the oldest, I’m very independent, defiant and headstrong. Some of that was my personality, but some of it was a result of my mother telling me that I was punished more and held to different expectations was because I was more difficult. So, if I had seen that my mother posted something like this about me, I would be devastated. That would be the end of our relationship. And I honestly don’t think Bekah will understand you more, I think that this will make her profoundly sad. Please remove these posts, for the sake of your daughter and your family.

I believe in your original article you mentioned that you grew up in a home where your brothers were valued more than you? Have you given any thought to this? Because it seems to me that perhaps your favoritism towards your son stems from a lot of self-loathing and dislike of being female in general.

I have a lot of empathy for you, and I imagine it must have been difficult growing up in an environment like that. So ask yourself: do I want my daughter to grow up in the same kind of environement? Do I want my daughter to deal with feelings of self-loathing because I care more for her brother? If you don’t want her to feel those things, then I suggest you seek therapy and work on changing your false beliefs about yourself and your daughter.

I understand your frustration and your feelings, but if your daughter ever reads what you have posted can you imagine the effect it is going to have on her self-esteem? I suggest you think about that before you take to the internet to write this kind of thing.

Kate, This is not so much a comment on your post but more of a question if you don’t mind sharing. After hearing everything from the extreme of both sides for the past 2 days, I was wondering if you have begun to think of things differently or not? You are obviously someone who puts a lot of thought into your feelings and you were brave enough to share something that is very personal and a sensitive topic for all, as you can see. What have you taken away from all this up to this point?

You Love them equally, hun. You just parent them differently because they have different personalities, and what works for one will not work for the other. Has nothing to do with a love level.

I was under the impression that the Babble blogs were a place for moms to share and find support and advice from other moms, not condemn and insult others for feel things you admit to not being able to understand.

Tonya,

It depended on how it was said. “Get to a therapist, you are a moronic mess” (or some such variation) was not taken so well. “Therapy really helped me and I’d suggest it would help you” is totally different. I’m unsure about the “peers” situation and hope it never comes to that. But I do think that peers will/can find anything to use against you. Perhaps this one’s a little more obvious. But kids CAN be cruel no matter what. And frankly if they’re looking her up on the internet and coming to her judgmentally (or their parents are), I’d say it’s THEM with the problem…not her.

Liz,

There’s a lot of things I’d love to say. Yes, I’ve been reading and paying attention to everything (here, I stopped reading the comments on the other post last night). Part of the reason I posted this was, in a way, to keep me “accountable” for making real changes. I don’t want things to turn out badly. I never did. In the future I’ll share the things we are doing and the changes we are making. I never felt “satisfied” with things, nor do I think, day-to-day, that I actually favor my son. So I’ve also taken away to be more cautious how I word things and why.

You hope it never comes to that? But you don’t mind taking the chance that it would come to that and prefer to leave this on the internet for her peers to see someday? Why? Because of a few advertising dollars? This makes me so sad for that little girl.

Either Kate and/or babble are deleting comments…a bit of advice Kate:, STOP BLOGGING and give your daughter a HUG!!!! Insted of justifying your life and parenting to “internet land” and them condemning those that thoughtfully pose a contention, Get off line and take care of your kids. They are gonna need a lot of extra hugs in life with an immature mommy like you.

Ok, I didn’t really think anything of it when blogger Natalie, who is well-known as one of the very hot-right-now adorable Mormon mommy-bloggers, joined the Baby’s First Year team. But now, in close succession, Kate joins Being Pregnant, and by way of introducing herself (in a previous post) says she’s sympathetic to the Quiverfull movement and she and her husband are going to have however many children God gives them….

Why is Babble being taken over by Christian mommy bloggers?! Seriously, I don’t get this editorial decision. Fine, the new breed of 21st century Christians is hipper and more culturally astute than in times past; yes, I guess you could even argue that if this is supposed to be a space for “alternative” discourse about parenting, they count in some sense as an “alternative” kind of parent… But actually — NO. The patriarchal Christian approach to the world (which both Mormons and the Quiverfull-affiliated are indisputably, firmly a part of) IS the dominant, traditionalist paradigm in America. We don’t have federal child care because Nixon caved to these people (in exchange for their letting him be ‘soft on Communism’ in China) and vetoed the bill, saying that in America we favored “the family-centered approach” of mothers going it alone.

I resent that this ideology is invading what I thought was a progressive parenting site — and I find it weird that no one else seems to have noticed. As the kerfluffle around this article has revealed, their parenting ideology IS different from the modern, secular model. There are plenty of Christian parenting websites where people who want that perspective can go — why do they have to be invited here?? You’ve just lost me as a reader.

Both posts make me so very sad. It seems to me that the mom writing this is still not fully healed from what was clearly a severe case of post-partum depression. And the descriptions of the little girl? They sound like those of a normal, willful 3 year old. To have a mom that publically states that she doesn’t love 1 kid quite as much as the other because 1 isn’t the type of kid she somehow needs her to be is heartbreaking. And I don’t care if some people out there somehow feel the same way or whatever.

Really, regardless of the so-called honesty here, this one of those times where you don’t say it out loud to *strangers*, in a super public forum. You’re not somehow showing us that the emporer has no clothes. You are just showing that you’re ill and need help. This is a time where you look inside yourself, get therapy, talk to friends, whatever, get some help, and you most certainly don’t put the blame on the kid (somehow her behavior drives this woman crazy). The kid is a little, tiny person whose mom has stated to the world that she won’t mind all that much if she died. Gah.

Hey — you said your piece. Stop justifying. And I say this as someone who commented favorably on the first post! Note that there are people who are commenting supportively as well as negatively. Don’t focus only on the negative comments. Engaging further only makes you seem defensive and less sure of your position. Write truthfully, do not backpedal (the reason so many of us READ the piece was because you wrote that you thought you loved one child more than the other — don’t later say that this is in no way true!) and own what you write.

Please don’t have any more children until you can resolve these issues.

I appreciate your honesty and candor. I think it’s a breath of fresh air. I totally understand your previous post and this one as well. I am not a perfect mother either…and get annoyed by the crazy stuff my boys do. Yes, they drive me absolutely bonkers sometimes. Sometimes I ask myself why I wanted kids…I do that in those crazy everything’s-out-of-control moments. But do I REALLY wish I’d never have them? OF COURSE NOT. We’re just being realistic–that’s my take on it anyway. I love my children more than I could ever imagine and would throw myself under a bus for them. I can’t get enough smelling them and kissing their faces and love talking with them and singing baby lullabies to them before bed (even though they’re both in grade school). But yes, we all have our moments. Maybe some of us are just more realistic, frank, and, perhaps, brave about talking about it.

This blog entry has got to be the most self-indulgent, navel gazing piece of clap-trap I have ever read.

While I appreciate your honest and how brave you were in putting your darkest thoughts out there I was disturbed by your first article and deeply disappointed with this one.

Your daughter is three and it sounds like you’ve already given up on her and your relationship. It’s your apathy towards the situation that is so disturbing. And really blaming readers for having a reaction to you ‘losing’ your daughter is pretty poor. If it was misinterpreted, that’s because of poor expression on your part not because people want to see the worst in you. Perhaps what people were really reacting to was the idea that you could ever be ok with ‘losing’ a child. Or that you would even consider your current pregnancy as some kind of warped do-over.

And this post? Well it just kind of makes it worse. Instead of acknowledging anything, you sit back and defend it. Without for a second, taking a step outside of yourself to see how your daughter must feel. Or how she will feel as she grows up. No one is perfect. But accepting such an emotional black-hole as part of life? Well that’s not a matter of perfection.

These two posts are a great example of immaturity and lack of parenting experience. Plain and simple. This mother is 25 and has grown up in the “look at me” generation of Facebook, blogging and Twitter. She knows provocative posts get clicks and clicks mean money. I hope that a few years down the road, she will develop a more mature and measured perspective on parenting. Your views on things at age 25 with a couple of toddlers is way different than a mother with 15 plus years of experience. Over the years, you learn a lot about putting your children’s feelings and needs ahead of your own. Kate, take these comments and use them to grow as a person and a parent.

Kate, when you say that you have discussed your mother’s own favoritism with her, keep in mind that you were doing so as an adult coming to terms with the past, not a child trying to deal with the present. She’s not going to find it “cathartic” when the mean girls in her middle school run across this someday and spread “even Bekah’s mom hates her and wishes she were dead!” around to everyone. Because further explanations or justifications or not, that’s still out there right now, under your real name, and no kid is ready to hear that. There is a reason we keep explanations simple for children and fill in detail gradually as they are more ready to deal with the complexities of the world. We don’t lay out all the the many exceptions and shades of gray to every rule we lay out for them…we let them master the rule first, and then gradually talk about when it may not apply as those situations come up. Right now, she needs to hear that you love her no matter what. The part where we sometimes have a harder time keeping our patience with people even though we still love them comes later. Right now, she needs you to work on treating her as lovingly as you do her brother and not letting her see that it IS work for you, so that it never gets to the point where she HAS to have the same kind of conversation that you had with your mother about favoritism. She won’t need catharsis for something she never experiences negatively. That’s the part that’s upsetting to me – the fact that you seem to recognize that there is a problem, and that it is YOUR problem, but the posts you’ve written are all about she’s going to be so happy that you admitted that you have a problem, instead of about how you are working on fixing your problem so that it never becomes HER problem.

I liked both of your posts, but didn’t comment on the first one because I didn’t think it was that controversial. Apparently I am wrong. I have a ten month old and another on the way. I bonded immediately with the peanut, and she is and has always been such a sunny, happy, social child. This pregnancy is far from the easy, stuff food in my face and I am happy time that the first one is. In my darkest moments I worry that this is a reflection of the temperament of the baby on the way. I don;t worry I won’t love this one, just that everything will be so much harder. And I have seen with so many other moms, some relationships with some offspring seem to be harder. It isn’t anyones fault. It just is. Just like as a professional teacher I am supposed to have the same feelings toward all of my students. But some of them make me laugh harder, or listen the first time, so my relationship with them is easier and I don’t breathe a sigh of relief when they are absent as I do some of my other students. Admitting that one relationship is easier than another one is HONEST. And it could change. I was the difficult child through toddler and child hood. I was a great teen, but my sister……. we knew who “the good daughter” was. We joked about it. We all came out FINE.

Most of the comments I read for the original blog were about feeling sorry for your daughter. Your “follow up” didn’t help her any or show any remorse for how hurt she’ll be when she finds out you love her less.
Like I said in my comment on your original blog, I’ve thought horrible things about my daughter, absolutely awful things but I’ve never said them…to her at least.
You should stop being so proud of your post or all the attention it attracted and focus on bettering your relationship with your daughter. Or at least figure out why it went sour in the first place…which is pretty obvious to me…

I love both posts. I think it’s a shame you had to write this post to clarify what I felt you articulated perfectly in the other.
I have two children who I would die for, but I can also relate to your story. The way I’ve described it to people is I can feel my son’s pain. When he’s upset or hurt, I can feel it like it happened to me. I feel as though when he was born a part of me left and went to him. I love my daughter with all my heart, but I can’t feel her pain. I can sympathize and try to empathize but I don’t feel it the same way I do with my son. I don’t think any of this has to do with love. It might feel like love at times but I truly believe it has more to do with connections. My mother has the same relationship with my older brother. She loves me, she is my best friend in the world, we talk or see each other almost everyday. But when my brother is hurting it affects her differently. Their connection is special and their own and I am perfectly okay with it and always have been.
All this talk of professional help I find quite over dramatic. If you feel you need therapy, then great. But a therapist can’t change this. It’s nature.

I have read both posts. I love my kids. I don’t love one more and one less, not even a “little bit more” as you say (in the title of your original post). This is an incredibly disrespectful post to your daughter. She WILL read it someday, and it WILL hurt immeasurably. Not every feeling needs to be acknowledged or shared, and definitely not blogged. I sincerely hope that you and Bekah get help.
But a more important thing to consider is not what we in the blogosphere think. It’s whether this kind of venting is Christ-like, whether this sharing is following in His footsteps or simple narcissism. Kate, I think you’ve messed this one up and need to take down your posts before they become part of the permanent record that can and will hurt your child. This is not what good parenting is about.

Awww, you think that because the majority of people who commented on your post yesterday were negative, they had the same feelings as you? Sorry, Mommy Dearest, the comments came because they (and I) were horrified that you’d be okay with your daughter dying as long as you didn’t lose your son. That’s fucked up. I hope your daughter manages to get far, far away from you and your reverse Oedipus complex, chick.

I think ur honesty was beyond brave, however I do think your words are a cry for HELP, help that you very much need considering. A person cannot control their own thoughts and feeling’s however they can get help. I hope that your daughter NEVER reads nor hears about your words. To hear your mother loves you less would be devastating!! Brave or not, posting such things online for the world to see, one deserves what they get. Of course everyone who reads such words of shock would reply.

Kate – You get more unlikeable with each post you make. It’s time to hang up your internet boots and walk away.

Kate –

I love your posts. They are brave and generous and well thought out and humane, at their core. I know how hard it is to be criticized over things that are so personal, and hope that you are coming out of this experience feeling more resolved to share and take these risks in the future.

What people who say “it’s fine to say this to a therapist but not on the internet” are missing is that you are sharing not just for yourself and you family but for the good of the greater discourse. It makes no sense for all 300 million american to pay therapists $150 per hour to respond (or not) to confessions that are universal, for heaven’s sake, we should have the gumption, the wherewithal, to share them in public. So we can all be a little more empathetic and a little more sane and a little more connected.

So thank you Kate. Incidentally my wife and I gave a ted talk about parenting taboos, and one that we almost included was “loving one child more” or the more palatable “loving your children differently.” We did a little research on the subject and discovered that in a Good Housekeeping poll of 300 some parents a few years ago, about two thirds admitted to having a favorite child, and most said that they knew who was their parents’ favorite. So yes, you are are absolutely right in suspecting that this is a pretty universal experience. Most people simply don’t have the courage to admit it. They may say they don’t do so because they are protecting their children but the real reason they don’t is that they are protecting themselves. Because it’s hard to break taboos, there are consequences, as you have discovered in these comments.

In our talk I shared the fact that I fell in love with my first son — and two others for that matter — gradually rather than all at once. To further make the point, we created a chart showing the rate at which my wife and I respectively fell in love with our sons. http://bit.ly/eUfTdo Heretical. We got a good deal of flack. But I do believe that sharing this sort of thing is part of our process of our greater community becoming more sane over time. So thanks for this. — Rufus

Who cares if this is a universal experience? Why DO we have to talk about this? Because it alleviates the guilt of some mothers to know they’re not alone? How about the kids who’d rather not know their parents love them less than their siblings? What about their feelings? Sorry, no. Talking about postpartum depression–that’s important. Removing the stigma for women who can’t breastfeed–that’s important. Letting women who had disappointing births discuss them openly–also important. Telling the whole world you like one of your kids better than the other one? Keep it to yourself. Your kids would rather not know.

My heart breaks for your daughter. No mother is perfect, we all have our moments. I get that. The fact that you are bringing yet another child into the world and can’t figure out a way to love the two you already have equally is frightening. To go out of your way to treat one better than the other simply because you like their personality better is horrible parenting. It shouldn’t matter how you were treated as a child, you aren’t the only person to have an imperfect childhood. The idea that you would knowingly repeat the pattern is absurd.

Thankfully, your daughter is only 3, it is not too late to form that bond. I hope you find the help that you need.

Your original post was thought provoking.
Love is not black and white, I don’t think you can love two people exactly the same way, and I don’t think you can quantify love.

I honestly cannot believe you would post something like this. I hope that your daughter never sees it. To excuse yourself by saying “everybody feels like this” is pure narcissism. There are some thoughts and feelings that should be kept private, never to be told to anybody but a therapist or spouse or close friend. No matter how much you tell her you love her, if she ever sees this or knows you wrote it, she will be damaged for the rest of her life. And don’t kid yourself-this post was not “brave.” It’s pure self indulgence.

I commented on your first article, and I have to say your latest blog and follow up remarks to your readers only solidified my opinion that you are just don’t get it. At all.

I read through many of the posted comments and frankly your outburst at 10:46 aimed at your readers (nasty and insane?) is more inflammatory than almost all the negative comments you’ve received. It’s evident that you cannot tolerate any opinion that is not part of your view of the world. What will that mean in the future when instead of the happy experience you imagine of your blog piece bringing you and your daughter closer, she reacts negatively to it? Will you be just as intolerant? Or will you just clap your hands over your ears and not even listen?

Two other quick observations. Your daughter, in my experience, is acting appropriately for her age. You, not so much. It’s your job to understand her, not for her to be burdened trying to understand you.

With that, I am taking your advice to leave your blog. I hope the extra clicks you got for this will buy you that farm. Why do I get the feeling that I will be seeing you again on some morning news show or talk show discussing all this? If so, well played, I guess.

Well, it appears there are two reactions to this post, and it’s either, OMG, you’re a horrible mom for thinking such a thing! or Everybody needs to lay off because as moms, we’re not perfect.

I fall into the category as I’m not perfect, either. I have seven kidlets, and it’s a his/mine/ours scenario. I have to fight every day to like my step-daughters as much as I like my bio kids. There are even days where my preteen is driving me insane and I don’t even want to be around him. Like it or not, we’re not always going to be favored by our parents. It never changes the fact that we love them any less. Personality conflicts happen! I wish they didn’t, but they do. Stop attacking this mom for saying what she has said. Stop acting like you’re God’s gift to parenting. I guarantee you, if we all hung around together, others would quickly find your faults.

It’s interesting how you can write a post purporting to take responsibility for the previous one, while actually taking no responsibility whatsoever. Oh, so you’re not perfect? Well gee, isn’t that insightful? Funny too that your “honesty” is applauded, yet the naysayers, who are also being (sometimes brutally) honest, are supposed to shut and walk away so they don’t hurt your feelings?

Although I wanted to take time and thoughtfully write something about this article, I was moved to do otherwise when I read the follow up from this author.

This article is a prime example of what pundits are referring to as our Twitter or Facebook society, where people feel compelled to share troubling parts of their lives publically, that at one time in this nations history would have been kept private, or at least saved for the confines of a therapists office. What I find particularly disturbing here is the sheer numbers of women who are enabling this sort of senseless and self-centered behavior, by telling this author that at least she is being honest with herself, or at least she knows how she feels. What about the child in question here, or the child this author is going to give birth to? Do either of them deserve any thought or caring as this woman makes it clear that she is looking for a second chance with her newest child (as if it is a doll instead of a human being), all while being oblivious to the suffering the child already in this world is going to have to endure, knowing that the one relationship every child should be able to depend on, is lost to her?

Please people, please. Think about what you are saying to this author, particularly the person here who claims to have known the author for years. There is a young, impressionable, innocent child who is going to one day end up on the internet, and find out that her suspicions about her mother’s feelings toward her are not only printed in black and white, but are accompanied by a photo and excuses galore. Someone please do this child a favor, on behalf of children everywhere who have felt the sting of a parent who was incapable of loving them. Delete this article, and see to it that this author goes to a licensed therapist as soon as possible. Not only for the health and welfare of the child she knows she doesn’t like, but for the child she does like, and the one on the way that the jury is still out on. Please. DO SOMETHING!

A final thought. This weekend, I heard the story of a woman who when the Tsunami hit her small town, had her child by the hand, as she struggled against the water. Eventually her grip broke, and her child was swept away with the furious and ferocious wave of water that seemed to be ever increasing. The mother was clearing shell shocked as she told her story, and it was heartbreaking to hear. However, I have to wonder. If this author was telling the same story, and the child in question was the child she writes about here, would she see it as the cosmos coming to her rescue? Scary, scary thought indeed.

“Who cares if this is a universal experience? Why DO we have to talk about this? Because it alleviates the guilt of some mothers to know they’re not alone? How about the kids who’d rather not know their parents love them less than their siblings? What about their feelings?”
Here’s the problem with this kind of thinking: no matter how much parents try to hide preferring one kid over the other, kids know. As noted above by Rufus, 2/3 of parents prefer one kid over the other, so this is EXTREMELY common. And it’s just plain not possible to hide it.
Admitting it on the Internet serves a few functions: 1) Kate is confessing something she feels bad about and is getting help for, and 2) it shows other parents struggling with the same issue that they’re not alone. Oh hey, and also 3) it gives people who were not the favorite child a place to tell our stories and realize that WE’RE not alone, either. When you’re not the favorite child, you blame yourself and wonder, what’s wrong with me? Reading these stories and hearing about how common this experience was is actually quite comforting to me, and knowing that Kate is taking the first steps to fix the situation rather than pretending nothing is wrong gives me hope that Bekah will have a happier childhood than I did.

After reading this post, as well as the other, I feel the same. I do applaud you for putting it out there and I’m sure you’re not the only one to admit to this. However, I don’t think this is gender specific. I see such co-dependence in both of these post, and a real focus on yourself. But at least your focus has caused you to see something that needs to be changed. Because whether you next child is a boy or a girl, you will gravitate to them if they feed your needs as a co-dependent mother. This is unfair to yourself and your children, all of them. By getting the help that you need, this could change, and you could be the mother that it sounds like you want to be. I think one thing that those critical of you is missing is that you clearly state that you don’t like the way you feel and you feel it’s wrong, and that you’re not perfect. You have a great opportunity now that you’ve realized this, and that’s not something that all people are strong enough to do. I hope you see this knowledge that you’ve gained as a gift, get the help that you need, and change your life and the lives of your children for the better! It would be shameful not to. This is a sincere hope for you, from another mother who thinks we would all be better if we stopped acting like we’re perfect and look to eachother for help and support!

I am utterly shocked at this article, and follow-up. Shocked. I am not a perfect parent, nor do I ever pretend to be, but at no time would I ever say, think, or more importantly, FEEL that I love one child a bit more than the other. I get that you parent them differently – duh. All kids are different, that is undeniable. I get that you had a less-than-ideal labor/delivery/breastfeeding/bonding experience, but tell me, how that is your daughters fault?? You’re blaming HER for your moments where you lack affection towards her, based on your experiences and her personality? I don’t need to know to you to say shame on you. And I do hope you get some help for this. And I don’t applaud you for putting this out there in “internetland”. And this certainly did NOT strike close to home with me. At all.

BUNNYTWENTY, I have read many of your responses, and they are well thought out and appreciated. However, you must know that I am not alone in seeing you as just another enabler for this author, who said somethings in your first post, that she is clearly backing off of now. Why not simply clearly state that those words more forceful then she might have liked, or how about ackowledging that the words came across as cold and heartless, before making excuses for the behavior, by posting statistics. Perhaps you know this author well, or feel a kinship with her, because of similar feelings regarding your own children. However, as a child who heard her father say that he would have preferred she not have been born, I understand the pain this child will likely endure if and when she reads her mother’s words, and I wish you and other’s would take just a moment to acknowlege that and that alone. You know that is what people are referring to so passionately. Why not confront it head on, rather than attempting to explain it away?

Babble may not exist, but the link to this article is all over facebook, twitter and many other sites on the internet. If that little girl googles her mother (or heck herself!) she WILL come across this article and see that her mother would have been happy to lose her as long as she could keep her son. Don’t care who you are or how old – that WILL hurt.

In your first post you DID state “There are moments – in my least sane and darkest thoughts – when I think it wouldn’t be so bad if I lost my daughter, as long as I never had to lose my son (assuming crazy, dire, insane circumstances that would never actually occur in real life). I know that sounds completely awful and truly crazy.” And your right that sounds awful and crazy. I have two girls and I understand in a small way what your saying about the different love you feel for them. HOWEVER your own words I have put on there totally lost me. I have NEVER had that thought, and trust me I have had some very least sane moments, one of which landed me in a mental instution for a few days. HOWEVER, I realized that I needed help to be the best mom I could be for my daughters. You lady, your sick and twisted in the head and you need to seek professional help.

what? Karen, your claims that I have something to admit to are more than a little bizarre (I don’t have any kids, so I can’t imagine what my hidden agenda could possibly be). Likewise, your insistence that you have a better understanding of my feelings than I do is quite strange.

This is good example of why birth matters. It isn’t enough to have a ‘healthy baby and mom’, physically speaking, if the bonding process is cut off. I am glad you are working towards a healthy resolution!

Personally, I can’t cut you any slack on either post. In my own life I have always felt like my mother had a better relationship with my sister than with me, but I was definitely the more challenging child. While we were growing up my mother worked so hard to make everything “fair,” buying the same number of Christmas gifts, getting 2 of everything, making sure we each had special days with her to shop or whatever. Even now, in our adulthood, my mother still expresses her need to treat us identically; this is most recently evident in her grandparenting. She insists on doing things for my toddler son the same way she did for my nephews who are 9 and 7. We finally “had it out” over it b/c my parenting style is different from my sister’s, and I would appreciate it more if my mother would respect my wishes as a parent instead of being so concerned with equality and fairness. Life is not fair. Our kids deserve to know that harsh truth, and different families have different rules and blah blah blah…
But look, not a day in my life did my mother ever outwardly express her feelings of a deeper bond with or a greater love of my sister than me. I don’t even have any sort of confirmation that my perception is even true. In fact it seems like she over compensated by working double-time to make us both feel loved and cherished equally. And in the end, I still feel the way I feel…that she has a better relationship with my sister than with me. She loves us both, she would do anything for either of us, and she would have died inside at the mere prospect of losing one of us just as much as the other, but it doesn’t change that she has a closeness with my sister that she doesn’t share with me. Their bond is tighter, sealed with a perhaps a mutual respect that I have never really understood. Maybe it has to do with the 5 years that separate my sister and me, and she was much more aware of things going on in our lives and how they affected us at the time, feeling more compassion for what our mother went through as opposed to the resentment I may have felt. I don’t know, but what I do know is this: my mother loves me just the same. It is okay that she is closer or has a deeper/different bond with my sister. And guess what, she never HAD to tell me – I knew it all along. I FELT it. Regardless of her efforts to treat us both the same, I always felt somewhat disconnected and still do to this day.
But here’s the thing – my perception is that my mom spends her life trying to make up for the guilt she feels about maybe playing favorites (or naturally gravitating more towards my sister) by intentionally going out of her way to make sure we know she loves us equally. I certainly feel like I can see through it at times, but I know she tries b/c common sense tells us that it would be hurtful to think that a mother loves one child more than another, and even if it is true, which I am sure it is in many families, it is an unspoken rule that you don’t go around broadcasting it…

…unless you just have a momentary lapse in judgment…which is what I am going to chalk your original post up to. I just don’t think you were thinking clearly when you wrote some of the words you did, and as a writer and thinker and analytical person myself, I can understand how that can happen from time to time, although I can assure you I would never go so far as to say some of the things you did even in my most honest of posts b/c the reality is that some of what you wrote is likely going to be shockingly painful to your daughter when she reads it someday, which undoubtedly, she will. Still, I understand the need to express your feelings, but I agree with some of these other comments that you could have worked this thing out in therapy or edited your post to not include those most critical comments which inspired much of the negative feedback you have received.
Anyway, I don’t know you. This is the first time I have ever read anything you have written. You write really well; I wanted to keep reading, and that is the sign of a true writer, one who can write as if telling a story, and I appreciate that part of your posts, indeed.
But know this – your daughter will likely be able to pick up on your different feelings toward her and her brother, regardless of your written words, and unless you demonstrate your extreme desire to overcome this disconnect, she will be hurting, and pain manifests itself in many untraceable ways. The challenges you have with her now may already be a result of the way you react to her, just like you said, it IS your fault, and at least you know it.
In conclusion, my only advice to you is to think twice before you post anything else that may potentially cause damage to your children; I even suggest you edit the current post if not remove it completely. And take advantage of this time now before your daughter’s memory retention matures and she starts to understand and remember her resentment toward you for the underlying feeling of inferiority she may already have.
I don’t doubt that parents have favorites or that one parent/child bond is stronger than another, but “love” and “bond” are two very different words, and you might want to look more deeply at those definitions before claiming to love one child more than another.
At the end of the day, we are all entitled to our own opinions…no matter how outrageous they may be.

After reading both your post…I’ve come to this conclusion….*A….you wrote these post to get good hits and make some money at your daughters expense…if so..thats makes you a cruel human, not even a mother in my opinion……OR… If you wrote these post, *B….cause its literally how you feel from deep down in your soul……that could mean you are mentally ill and you need help. Thats no joke. Im so serious. I say that because someone in there sane mind would NEVER blog about this for the ENTIRE WORLD TO SEE. Have you gave any thought to the “someone” who has copied and pasted this and saved it to show your daughter when she old enough? Or the person who is showing or telling CPS to come here and read your blog and you get investigated because they want to make sure your child is in a safe and loved enviroment, seeing as you love your son more? You dont know what can of worms you have opened and I hope this does not come back to haunt you or that beautiful baby girl who is innocent and Im sure loves you to pieces. I dont see any middle ground. For some reason tho I get the feeling
(and I hope Im wrong) is that you will post yet another follow up post that will keep going, on….on…..on….

As it was just pointed out on the comments below the original post, she changed the wording in that post. Thank God for her daughter.

KateTietje,

I have read both articles and most of the comments (since there are more than a hundred of them on each). Your responses, particularly on this one, are really sad. How can you expect people not to have a harsh response and then for your to respond in the same way?

Both articles are pretty much garbage. So you have trouble with your kids? Big deal. Every parent has trouble and no parent is perfect. But to publicly disclose that you favor your son over your daughter and then try to go back and write this post to rationalize it – to excuse it – if you will, is deplorable.

You need therapy. ESPECIALLY, if you want to go pregnant again. It will not matter whether or not it’s another girl (especially since you hoped it would be a girl for a “do over”, because the favoritism will still be there. Because if you don’t, here’s what will happen to your children. And I know because I’ve personally witnessed this scenario:

Your daughter, though is young and doesn’t quite understand it, is sensing the treatment differences between your son and her. The more that this favoritism grows, it will flourish in many different ways (i.e. he will get more toys than she will on her birthday or Christmas), whether you know it or not, until it will become apparent to everyone. The effects of this is that she will grow up knowing that you practically worship the ground your son works on and she will have a void in her heart and act out, etc.. She will have a lot of issues growing up because of this “favoritism”.

I don’t like Kate. I prefer her independent, defiant daughter. Just being honest.

Hi Kate:
I am way older than you are, almost 50. I have one child, who is your age, married, but no children, which is fine by her father and me. But I had her when I was 23, and I remember how anxious and difficult the 20s were for me. This is true of the 20s, for men and women. (No I am not going to say everyone should be a certain age to have kids. I know appallingly bad parents who waited to have kids and horrendous young parents. Bad parenting knows no limitations.)

I think you have put this out there because you may be creating a back story for what you fear will your failure. I think that you have less information about you and your daughter and your life than you think you have.

When I read these comments slamming you and commending you, I see just another form of social pressure. It’s like you are at a giant party and part of the room is saying, Light up the bong and let us take your picture or show us your … and let us take your picture. The other half of the room is saying, if you touch that bong or show your “self” no one will ever want or love you.

But put down the bong and pull down your shirt. You strike me as an earnest, decent person, but who is guiding you? Well, it’s not my place to do so, but since everyone else has overstepped, I will too.

Take the posts down, pictures, posts, everything. You owe the people of the internet world NOTHING.

Another thing, I have no idea if you are consciously trying imitate Pioneer Woman, but a lot of mom bloggers do. She reveals far less than she seems to. And you and she are at different parties.

Cheer up. Shut up. You and yours will be fine.

She’s three. What makes you think it gets easier to love and adore them? You need to do some work now to get things in line now, and I would strongly suggest starting with therapy for yourself. Because you seem to be harboring a lot of bad feelings about yourself from your childhood and the way your own mother treated you. Take that up with a professional, not your innocent, three-year-old daughter. Because you can bet every penny you’ve earned on this blog that she’s not going to be this sweet and innocent when she’s thirteen, especially when she figures out that her mommy loves her but doesn’t like her as much as her brother.

I don’t think the uproar is so much that you’re not a perfect parent, but that you would choose to publicly publish these thoughts on the Internet, where you daughter may one day read them. That is simply hurtful. I’m a mom blogger and online writer too, so I understand your context to some degree, but we as adults and parents have the power to censor ourselves for the good of our innocent children. Sometimes you need to consider what is best for your kids, not what feels best for you in the moment, and just NOT write about something.

I find it incredibly disheartening that you seem to equate unattainable perfection as a mother with loving your children equally (and, backpedal all you want, you specifically said you think you love your son more. Those were your words, no one put them in your mouth for you). No, none of us are perfect, but you don’t have to be perfect to love your children equally, to definitely NOT be ok with it if one child died.

Not to mention your offensive assumption that the readers who object to your thoughts actually secretly agree with you and that’s why all the backlash. No. The “I know you are, but what am I?” tactic doesn’t fly when it comes to loving your children equally.

I’ve given it a few seconds of thought and came to a conclusion: you’re all nuts. Stop getting so worked up about something you read on the internet about someone who is not in your life and do something productive.

Lady, stop having kids. They are the most expensive pets in the world and the planet is already severly overpopulated. If you wouldn’t mind so much if you lost your daughter, but would die inside if you lost your son, then maybe you should have stuck with just one child as you are obviously incapable of distributing your love fairly enough between the both of them. If I understand you correctly, you’re due to pump out another little monster that the rest of our society is going to have to deal with long after your eightteen years of wishy washy emotions, favoritism, and possible neglect is over. As the product of a large family with a mother that openly loved and favored my sister more, you can take it from me just how much this will affect your children FOREVER. Furthermore, even if this is the way you truely feel, it is best left between your family and close personel friends, not the internet. If I were a public official or affiliated with child wellfare and had read your past few entries, I would consider taking your daughter away. Who blatantly admits such a thing to the entire 5 billion populace of the world?? Honestly I am surprised that some higher power (or the national press) hasn’t already stepped in already. You are under the scrutiny of everyone now… And I would not be surprised if this ends worse than it already is.

Yay!!! Riot grrrl movement is alive!!!!!!

Go Team Bekah!!!

“There’s a land that I see where the children are free
And I say it ain’t far to this land from where we are
Take my hand, come with me, where the children are free
Come with me, take my hand, and we’ll live

In a land where the river runs free
In a land through the green country
In a land to a shining sea
And you and me are free to be you and me”

Kate, I’m old – my kids are in college. I home-birthed, did the “ecological breastfeeding,” had the family bed, home-schooled, sewed little dresses, the whole nine yards. So I think I have some older-woman advice to offer, if you are ready to receive it.

1) Please admit and acknowledge that what you wrote about “losing your daughter” in the first post was a huge mistake; that “honesty” isn’t the issue; that this isn’t about “you” but about your children; that you might at least consider the possibility that you might well need some professional help. Someone up-thread mentioned post-partum depression. It is nothing to fool around with. It doesn’t mean you’re “sinful” or “bad.” But rather than getting defensive, please admit that there might be a problem.

2) Never, ever put anything on the Internet that you wouldn’t want to see on the front page of the newspaper. Especially if it’s about your kids. The web has a very long memory.

3) Your kids *will* find everything you have written about them online. Homeschooling will not protect you from this; nor will it protect them from the web. Further, you cannot know what effect your writings will have. This is why you err on the side of prudence. Even if you delete articles, *someone* somewhere has probably cared enough to capture them. See point #2.

4) It sounds to me like you are possibly not ready for the public pressure of being a “star mommy blogger,” especially as you are young and relatively inexperienced in parenting. “Immaturity” is not an insult, and being immature isn’t automatically a fault. But it’s what I see being revealed here, especially with the highly emotional responses to commenters.