I dunno…from an event planning point of view, having a baby seems completely opposite. I plan high-end events for a living, so when it came time to plan my sort-of-more-casual garden wedding three years ago, it was a piece of cake. I just yanked my to-do list straight from work and plunged ahead. The only real difference was that I had to think about me a little more, and how I looked.

Having a baby is seeming more and more like trying to plan an event for an insane alien circus. You have no idea when they will show up or when things will start. No idea what activities will happen. No idea when you’ll get to go home (event planing nightmare!) No real idea of what will happen afterwards. The planner in me is going bananas.

I didn’t think one bit about my future wedding until I was engaged. Having a child, however, is what I’ve been dreaming about since I was a little girl! I have always loved children and babysat as soon as I was old enough and even nannied on the side after I had already graduated from college and had a career! I am noticing a lot more doubt from others in my decisions. You would never tell a bride she shouldn’t get the dress of her dreams because it will just get covered in spilled drink, dirt and possibly throw-up at the reception! However, I can’t plan on even dressing my son the way I want to because I’m being to picky and the clothes will get dirty anyway. You can register for the most expensive china, silver and stemware you want, but if you want a good-quality crib, you’re being greedy. I don’t know about a lot of other peoples experiences with being pregnant and being questioned, but I have never been questioned more in my life! This may be my first child, but I am not an idiot for crying out loud. I understand that some of my expectations may be shattered, but can I please experience that for myself? Ugh, sorry, I am in a mood about this today!

This hits really close to home for me. My son was seriously injured during birth. He has had four surgeries so far and will have more in the future, and every time someone says to me “At least you have a healthy baby” I am taken aback. I feel like when someone says that I should be ashamed or downplay the bad parts of his awful birth because – he lived after all. But the fact of the matter is – those 24 hours I was in labor, the days he was in NICU, the weeks I layed awake making sure he was breathing, the four surgeries – they changed me, shaped me, and made me into a different person than I was before.
So what I have learned is that when a woman chooses to tell me about her birth – whether it be a great birth or especially traumatic one, I will not trivialize any part of it. And if the birth was traumatic – I will listen to the women, share in her mourning, listen to her fears, and support her without reminding her that she has a healthy baby – because I know from experience that she hasn’t forgotten for a second her baby and she is very,very thankful for and very aware that the end result was a baby. But there is more to it.

It’s funny that you post this, because I have just been having a similar conversation with a friend of mine. I have had two c-sections, one emergency and am very thankful I had both, the first saved my daughters life and the second saved mine. The only time that I struggle with the fact that I wasn’t able to have a natural birth is when I hear others being critical of people who have c-sections like the should have tried harder or something. Sometimes, it is just out of our control and we are not the ones to blame… and it would be a lot easier on women if we could all just watch when and where we spout off our opinions…

Oh and previous poster, my OB was talking about going to eat some bacon and teasing an intern who had passed out while doing my second c-section, so I actually got a laugh out myself. :D

I completely agree with Anna. A wedding may be ‘ruined’ (and *really* what can ‘ruin’ a wedding other than NOT getting married – I’ve seen floods, accidents, etc, but at the end of the day the wedding is a success because the bride and groom are married, and five years later it’s a funny story), but it is the marriage that counts. A birth may not go according to plan, but if you have a healthy baby and mama, that’s what counts.

Ever since my c-section (following a planned natural, unmedicated birth), I have been looking for a way to express my feelings of disappointment. I prepared by taking Bradley classes, eating well, exercising, meditating… I wasn’t induced – my water broke naturally before contractions started. I didn’t have pain meds. I just never made much progress (despite strong, painful contractions), and after 24 hours of labor, the baby was in distress and needed out. In surgery, we found out he was crooked in the birth canal; which is why I wasn’t dilating properly, and he was in distress. A c-section saved his life, and for that I am thankful. That is what we have these medical advances for – true emergencies.

I try not to dwell on the experience I had, for my son’s sake. It was still his ‘birth’ day, and that was amazing! But that doesn’t make the disappointment go away. That pain is still raw.

When I talk about my experience, I’m inevitably met with the response, “well, at least you have a healthy baby boy.” Yes, I know that! Do you honestly think I wanted the perfect childbirth experience, but could care less about whether my baby came out healthy or not? Give me a break!

The way you worded this summarizes my feelings so well! I love the comparison to a big, well-planned wedding. That is exactly how it feels; like everything went wrong on my wedding day. I’m in a very happy “marriage,” but everything went wrong on the “wedding day.” It’s the perfect comparison.

For my next “wedding,” I’m hoping for a VBAC. I’ve lost some of my naivety; I won’t go into it thinking, “oh, that will never happen to me.” I’m realistic now and know that it could happen again. Will I be disappointed if my second “wedding” also goes awry? Yes, I will be. That’s just how I feel – now let me feel my feelings!