I’m pro-choice because, although I hope I never need to have an abortion, I don’t want anyone else making that decision for me or any other woman. Being pro-choice doesn’t mean you think that abortion is happy-fun-time. It means that you understand that that this is a decision that belongs to the woman with the good counsel of her family, her medical advisers, and her spiritual community as applicable. It’s not something that should be legislated. What the government SHOULD do is make a real effort to support age-appropriate, medically sound sexual health education and real, affordable access to health care, especially contraceptives. Those two things would go a long way to reducing the number of abortions that aren’t medically necessary, which is a goal I think most reasonable people on both sides can get behind.

I love honest writing so much. Great piece, Monica.

This is an example of blogging at its worst. Vomiting incoherent emotion in a grammatically challenged piece doesn’t make you a writer. Filming yourself crying in a car then intersplicing shots of a fetus, church and you screaming? Cringe worthy.

I’m puzzled as to why you obsess about this lost potential child. You have made many decisions since about the size of your family and whether to conceive. You could have more children in the future but decide not to. Are these also lost children?

There is no more reason to worry about the potential child you lost than the many you will choose not to conceive in the future. So put your mind at rest and focus on the children you do have.

Thank you Monica for your honest post which brought tears to my eyes i have never been in your situation and can’t imagine but i am glad that i do have the choice if it ever came to it. Women need to be able to make that choice i can’t imagine someone else making it for us. Thank you for sharing your story.

Thanks ladies. I agree with you Katy E. Less judgment, more support and early education.

Thankyou, Monica. You have written a brave (very brave), truthful account of your own experiences, thoughts, memories and questions.

You have written about ‘what if’, and about ‘what is’.

And having written it, you have published – put it out there where, I think, it will very probably save various lives born and unborn in various ways in the future.

The truth? EVERYBODY is pro-life. And EVERYBODY is pro-choice.

Some of us rush to take sides. Rush to meddle in other people’s lives. Offer up a ton of condemnation and celebrate the problem when an ounce of hope and help in its place could bring a rush of healing into the world.

Some of us, including you I think, are pro-love and truth, pro-kindness, and anti-judging, anti-intolerance, anti-scorn, anti-shame…

@Paul Murff “The truth? EVERYBODY is pro-life. And EVERYBODY is pro-choice. Some of us rush to take sides. Rush to meddle in other people’s lives. Offer up a ton of condemnation and celebrate the problem when an ounce of hope and help in its place could bring a rush of healing into the world.”

I really like this.

WOW. This piece really moved me. The honesty in your writing is so beautiful and real. I wish you and so many other young women in this world didn’t have to know this kind of sorrow. :-( Oh how I wish I could lift some of that for you, but I think if you keep being honest with yourself and others about your own broken places, you will come to a place of more peace in the process. You certainly inspired me to try and do more of just that in my own life. :-) I hope you give yourself some more love and grace today … and every day. You’re extraordinary. :-)

Hey Monica
So I like your writing, love your blog, adore the comment section… But this piece of writing is making me strangely uncomfortable.
Like you, just like you, I had an abortion at 18. Because I was date raped by one of my oldest friends in my own bedroom while my mom and brother were in the living room…
I became pregnant, and I’m so fucking happy I had an abortion. Like you, every year I wonder, and I count and he would have been fourteen. But I’m glad he isn’t. Because my life would have been fucked. And the road I took makes me genuily glad I aborted. Abortion isn’t easy. But it’s often necessary. And this piece of writing is making me feel uneasy because I imagine it being picked up by the wrong hands, and read by those dumb anti-abortion dictators, and it feels like you’re just feeding them jam with this post… If you hadn’t aborted, you probably wouldn’t have met Serge, and you definitaly wouldn’t have Violet and baby on the way. And you would be stuck parenting with that douchebag who got you pregnant. Because even though you wouldn’t be together, he’d still be the father of the kid… And his family would be in the kid’s life… So yeah. Think again about your abortion…
You seem to be on a down spiral being pregnant and unhappy, which I totally get… But this… is not something I expected to read from you.
Cheer up.
Miss A

I had an abortion and I did it exactly because other people rushed to meddle in my life. It was in the same hospital on the same day that my husband died and he or she would have been our third child. We were to be a family of five in the summer but one day in winter we became a family of three. To this day I wished I’d been strong enough to stand up to those people who thought they knew what was best for me and my family. It wasn’t the best thing then and it still isn’t now.
We had been very excited to be expecting a third (unplanned) child, even though our daughter was only 16 months old. We found out on New Year’s Day, but by January 10th both my husband and our baby-to-be were no longer here.
Tragic events occurred in that short time and my husband was in a coma and dying and I was a paraplegic with two toddlers, I’d had an X-Ray six weeks previously, without any precautions as we didn’t know I was pregnant. They told me my husband was going to die and because of the X-Ray there was a chance that the baby may have been damaged by it. They told me I owed it to my existing children not to have another baby, that they needed me healthy and an abortion was the best option. I let them persuade me it was best for all of us. When I came back from theatre following the abortion, they told me my husband had died while I was under the anaesthetic.
I’ll never know if I would have had a healthy baby, whether i would have come through it without my own medical complications, whether it was the right decision for myself and my two children, but I wish I’d taken that risk, because it is the biggest regret of my life.
Your incredibly honest post is what prompted me to write this; it’s the first time I’ve ever put it down in words.
Try not to beat yourself up as I have done over so many years Monica, because there’s never any going back, only forward. That’s where you, Serge, Violet and baby Bielanko are going. Together.

Monica – You are such an amazing writer, and an amazing mama. I am so sorry that you have these regrets.

I also faced an abortion decision at one time. I wrote about my choice, and why I am strongly pro-choice: http://mamapundit.com/2009/08/the-hardest-decision-ive-ever-made-as-a-parent/

You are so brave Monica!

You guys are why blogging rocks. Really. I appreciate you all being so open about your stories as well. Thank you so much!

Monica,

I cannot fathom how difficult that decision was and the complex emotions surrounding it. However, I have recently had two early miscarriages. With the first, I felt that I had lost a baby. But I eventually realized, I didn’t lose a baby. I just don’t believe it works like that (and I am a Christian). Of course I grieved over the two lost pregnancies but not over two lost babies. Of course I think how far along I would have been, and, initially, whether it was a girl or boy, etc. but I don’t grieve with the thought of a baby in mind. I know abortion is different than a miscarriage. For me, I feel like it wasn’t meant to be and I am going to be tested to see if it is something medical but I tell you this to look at it from a different perspective. If every woman that had a miscarriage grieved the loss as a baby, well, we’d all be crazy with sorrow and have a very difficult time in continuing to try to conceive. I think the only way I would grieve a miscarriage as a child would be if I was much much farther along in the pregnancy.

I hope this makes some sense and in some way comforts you. I know that some people will read this and say how very different it is. It is different, I acknowledge that. But how you view the actual embryo, baby, what-have-you, well, that is the same. My husband, who is pro-life, said it wasn’t a baby. How conveniant that when it is a miscarriage, it isn’t a baby, but when it is an abortion, it is a baby? I don’t think so.

All the best.

PS – I love reading you and @Kgranju’s blogs. ( ;

Your honesty is stunning and beautiful. It is why I read your blog.
I was raised in a similar community as you. I may have been one of the girls you felt judged by (although I was way too caught up in my life to judge those around me). I lived straight’n'narrow through high school. I did not through college. I know the guilt. I know the judgement. I made a different choice than you, but I was in a different situation than you. I am so grateful that I had a choice. It was a very difficult one to make. I know you might get the haters feedback, but know that you are helping the silent ones. Just knowing you know how they feel. Knowing they are not alone. Knowing WE are not alone in this crazy world. You are a bright spot of honesty and hope in this superficial world. Thank you Monica.

I went back and read your post from Nov ’09 before I came here. I have always been pro-choice (not pro-abortion for those crazies out there), but I have always said I would NEVER even think about doing that. I was wrong. I can’t say that it wouldn’t have been a possibility at another time in my life. I can’t imagine the roller coaster of emotions that would come along with that as choice a, b, or c. You made me think of this entire issue in a different shade of gray.

Monica, I grew up in the same type of community you did and I can tell you from experience that you need to forgive yourself. That’s sometimes the hardest thing; harder than forgiving someone else. I have friends who have been through exactly what you went through. Some made the same decision, some made different ones, but there’s no perfect solution to that situation. And anyone who ever had unprotected sex who didn’t end up in the same situation is just damn lucky, that’s all, because it can happen to anyone.

You handled a very tough situation at a very young age the very best that you could. Let it go now.

I was 38 when I had my abortion, and even though I think about it all the time, I do not regret doing it. I’m sad that I had to make that choice, but thankful that the choice was there.

Very honest and great post. I am sorry for your loss and the decision you made, it sounds like you thought it was your only choice at the time;sadly someone should have told you differently. Someone should have given you the courage to accept giving your baby up for adoption rather than killing your baby;at least then you would have known you did the best thing and the right thing for your baby, like your friend who was adopted.

Women shouldn’t have to struggle with this loss and guilt, there are other options out there and so many willing parents to love and care for a baby that is not theirs by birth and still raise it as their own. Since 1973 and before things have changed and there are so many more options from safebaby programs to crisis pregnancy centers and of course adoption. If abortion weren’t legal, because I believe women are more empowered, more independent and more capable of raising a child on their own, there would be more children growing and thriving in our society today instead of 51million dead.

You were young at the time, I’m not sure if your parents knew about your pregnancy and abortion, but I should hope their love and support would have been there for you. Even if they weren’t supportive,at least you would have known in your heart you did the right thing by having the baby and giving it up for adoption rather than killing him/her and now living forever wondering where your baby is and what their life would have been like. There are even stories of children who are adopted and later meet their biological parent, sadly now you won’t have that chance.

Abortion is so final;it is terminating a life, an innocent life. I am glad you were able to have another child later in your life, as some women become sterile from abortions. You risked a lot by having an abortion, including your own life. I hope one day you are able to forgive yourself,and that God can forgive you,that you will realize that choosing life should have been and should be the ONLY choice, because there are so many others who care and would want to love a child.

Abortion! The greatest decision I ever made besides turning gay! Completely serious.

Love you, Monica.

Dear Arika.

You are not coming to see me. But Monica is.

Didn’t I blow your mind this time, Didn’t I?

God

@LITTLEBYTES
Why do you think it is important for an adopted child to be reunited with their biological parents?
Wtf do you know about adoption?
Just because someone is adopted doesn’t mean they’re better off! Some would be better off dead!

I was adopted at age 12. My mom was (is) a crack addict. I have 12 brothers and sisters. she shouldn’t have had any of us. I love my brothers and sisters. She is a wet brain. They tied her tubes without her knowing, I am sure of it. My adopted parents are horrible, horrible people…they did it for the $. Not EVERY adoption story turns out like the great stories you hear all the time. Nobody mentions the bad. I am 27, I am afraid to have kids. I am afraid the genes will be passed down to my children (addiction genes) it’s scary. You weren’t ready, maybe you did a selfish thing, maybe you didn’t, maybe it happened just as it should have. Fuck anyone that thinks they have the right to judge you, or me, or my mother, or my adopted parents.

@Andrea You said:”Why do you think it is important for an adopted child to be reunited with their biological parents?
Wtf do you know about adoption?
Just because someone is adopted doesn’t mean they’re better off! Some would be better off dead!”

I think it would be nice if the child and the biological parent want to reunite;I don’t think it is required nor necessary…that is a personal choice they would both have to make and agree on. However, at least adoption gives someone a chance at life! To say anyone is better off dead because they might have a hard life is a weak statement;that is not giving one a chance to succeed and excel to be and ‘to go places’ like Monica,the writer of this post, did!

@Amber at least you were adopted and had a chance at life and an opportunity ‘to go places’, you may have had a hard life, but you have a chance to make it better;abortion would have terminated that chance and you would not be here today to make better choices for yourself and avoid the addiction your biological mother had. Just because she had a crack addiction doesn’t mean you will. You know better and you can do better!

Finally, I’m not judging, just saying abortion should not be a choice! Women can do better, women are more independent and empowered and able to raise children on their own. In addition there are other options that weren’t available before 1973, the US needs to advance in human rights and give those rights to all. Women shouldn’t have to struggle with this ‘Choice’. Life should be the only choice! If you don’t want to raise the child give it to someone who cares and will! There are safebaby programs, hospitals, fire departments, etc to take a baby…at least you are giving them a chance at life and a chance to go places!!

Monica-

I found our blog via Katie g, and have been reading ever since. I can really relate to this post. I have 5 children now, and often wonder how could I have done what I did, oh so long ago… My 16 year old brain only felt relief. Will I meet that child someday? Was it a child? Boy or girl? Will I go to hell?

I’ll tell you this- I do not regret it- my life would not be was it is. I would not have these kids of mine, this husband I love so. Why am I writing this on a blog to total stranger? Thank God I had the Choice.

Monica,

Thank you so much for this post. I stumbled upon your blog through a friend and have since followed your postings on Babble. This post came at such an appropriate time for me. I am 38 weeks pregnant with my first child. I also had an abortion when I was seventeen and I have to tell you… everything you spoke of and wrote about are the same battles that I fight within myself. To add more fuel to the fire? I’m adopted. Thank you for putting your words out there. It is such a comfort to hear that there are other women going through the same struggle. You are a tremendously gifted writer. Thank you for sharing and keep writing.

Morgan

It really doesn’t matter whether or not abortion is wrong. What matters is giving every woman the right to make a choice, any choice, just a choice at all. Take away that freedom and it’s stifling, even if she makes a choice you wouldn’t or find abhorrent.

I’m pro-choice and that doesn’t make me pro-abortion.