Being Pregnant
The Healthy Baby Card
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A recent discussion on birth choices, repeat cesareans, and traumatic birth experiences sparked a comment that is probably one of my top hated comments in discussing a negative or traumatic birth experience, especially with the mother who has gone through this experience.
“At least you have a healthy baby”
While I come from a circle of women who would give anything for a healthy pregnancy, or baby with infertility, miscarriages, and the loss of newborns to horrible undetected illness like Congenital Heart Defects, I don’t think the term, or phrase is something we can, or should be appropriately using especially in discussing of a traumatic birth, or experience in general.
After my first son was born, under less than ideal conditions, and a sub par experience at best, I knew I wanted to get involved with mothers who felt like I did. I had been bullied, robbed, and ultimately became one of the mothers who needed therapy, and help after my birth experience. Although during my years working with ICAN, and the local childbirth community I learned that there are mothers out there who put my negative experience to shame.
Which got me thinking after another post I read on Birth rape and childbirth trauma, and even Post Traumatic Stress Disorder after a negative delivery experience. It began as a post which compared the amount of time women use planning their wedding vs. the time they put into researching a care provider, hospital, taking childbirth classes, and preparing for the birth of their child. It then spun 180 in my head and the term at least you have a healthy baby flashed through my mind in terms of a horrible wedding disaster.
Let me set the scene :
Bride and groom are madly in love, and planning to get married on the 15th of September. Well the 15th comes, and on the way leaving their lavish ceremony, and planned celebration with their family, friends, and other loved ones, the groom is almost killed in a horrible car accident. He spends weeks in the ICU and finally after the whole experience is able to leave the hospital. Their wedding day becomes an experience overshadowed by trauma, near death, and negative feelings.
Cue the friend who looks at the bride while she is sharing her feelings on the day and says at least you have a healthy marriage. Now, most people would jump on the ass kicking bandwagon over a comment like that, especially knowing the events of that day. Why would it be any different for someone to use the healthy baby card?
It doesn’t change what was done, and the women who go through these bad experiences do not wish their children were ill, or dead. No one in their right mind would have that kind of thought, even after such a traumatic experience. But using that term, especially when you have not suffered like the other woman is nothing short of a slap in the face.
Next time someone is confiding in you over experiences, feelings, or trauma, whether it is over childbirth, or an accident that has harmed a family member, be conscious of the words you use. Sometimes they can cause more harm than good.
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9 Comments
Dorothy "Hyphen" commented on Sep 27 10 at 11:50 amI completely agree with you. We really need to stop and think about our word choices.
When someone says that, they’re saying that only the child has value in that equation. That’s not true. Sure, the baby matters. The mother matters–her physical and emotional health. The creation of that family unit matters. Birth matters.
Obviously, everyone is thankful for a healthy baby, but pregnancy and birth aren’t just about having a baby, it’s about becoming a mother and a family. It’s about research and instinct and changes (physical and emotional).
You’re not just creating a person, you’re creating a mother, a father, a family.
Tara commented on Sep 27 10 at 1:37 pmVery good advice. It never helps to minimize someone else’s pain, regardless of what you think about it. If someone believes they had a terrible experience, then they had a terrible experience, end of story. Brushing it off with “well, at least you have a healthy baby” is callous at best.
That said, this touches a nerve for me because I was berated in my childbirth class for saying that all I wanted was a healthy baby. The teacher asked about our goals for our birth experience, and “a healthy baby, and to be healthy myself” was my answer. She snapped, “Of course, we all want that, but what ELSE?” This was at a kinda crunchy-granola birth center in New York City that I otherwise loved, but that experience made me feel that because I wasn’t interested in stage-managing my delivery, I wasn’t doing right by my child, or worse, wasn’t doing right by the sisterhood of women. I had my opinions about what I wanted for my delivery, of course, but I was also willing to be flexible. In the end, I wanted a healthy baby, bottom line. My birth experience wasn’t perfect in every way, but I had a good outcome (and a healthy baby) because I wasn’t solely focused on doing things MY way. It wasn’t about some evil doctor wanting to do things her way, either — things happen in the process that nobody can control, and you have to be able to react in the moment.
So the “healthy baby” thing — yeah, if you had a completely traumatic experience, someone saying that is pretty shitty. But if someone tells you that’s her highest priority, don’t tell her it’s not.
Doreen Lombardo commented on Sep 27 10 at 2:00 pmExcellent comparison. Just because an outcome is good, it doesn’t negate what a person went through to get there.
ANONYMOUS commented on Sep 27 10 at 2:21 pmI would like to add to this, the women who in some ways belittle other women because they had a good childbirth experience. Its never fun to be a recipient of comments that would make it seem as though you never went through any sort of childbirth, just because it wasn’t cinematic or traumatic.
ceridwen commented on Sep 27 10 at 2:26 pmGreat piece. Love the wedding example. I think this card is also played in labor by some obs– You want a healthy baby, right? Like you didn’t? Can be very manipulative. Everyone’s goal is a healthy baby and a healthy mother– is it fair to assume this? OK so now let’s talk about options.
wendy commented on Sep 27 10 at 9:43 pmI didn’t have a traumatic birth, but it was very crappy! Nobody talked to me about birth experience, my nurse through the whole labor and delivery was very bossy and rude!!! She didn’t check me for hours and by the time she did the baby’s head was visible!!
Lauren commented on Sep 28 10 at 11:13 amGreat example Danielle! I hear the “healthy baby” comment when I talk about my not-so-ideal birthing experience (mostly from my mother) and it upsets me.
ShelleBells commented on Apr 17 12 at 7:50 pmI agree. I happen to know a few people who have had horrible experiences that I could never imagine – in utero death of a twin, twin still still births @ 5 months, death of a baby @ one month old. One of these people has repeatedly told me that I need to suck it up, that it is not that bad and that I need perspective. Finally, I had to distance myself from this person because, although I appreciated what she had gone through and can not imagine going through it myself, her experience does not negate mine. Frame of reference is key – I know that she would trade and have a horrible birth experience if it meant that her baby was alive – but that is not my frame of reference. Now, I call people on it all the time. Your worse experience does not make my experience any less important or significant. Period.
carli commented on Apr 17 12 at 10:27 pmWomen all over the world are delivering babies in conditions that you wouldnt even dream about, with no chance of medical invervention to save baby or mum, yes i do agree that medical intervention in the developed world is at times unnecessary, intrusive, less that what we would hope, leaving us with bad experiences and momories but you have medical assistance that so many women around the world dont. what is wrong with appreciating the fact that you are now holding a healthy baby? would you prefer to be holding a baby after a a traumatic birth that is a beautiful baby girl only to be told that due to lack of oxygen she will not walk, talk, and she will be lucky to live the next 48 hours. (like a friend of mine). all of this with medical intervention at the approprate time would have prevented this. be grateful count your blessings that it is you that went throught the pain and not your baby paying the price.!
And the wedding compariason i would be huggin the person who said at least we have a good marriage. yes we do! he is still here with me and i would be greatful that im not planning a funeral after the wedding. !!!!!
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