Being Pregnant
Should The Woman Control The Birth, Or The Doctor?
Taffy Brodesser-Akner had a really lousy birth. In fact, it was so lousy she experienced post-traumatic stress as a result. In her piece at MSNBC, ”Who Controls Childbirth—Expectant Moms or Doctors?,” she tells her tale and it’s no fun: An induction for high blood pressure led to pain-killers that caused nightmarish hallucinations; her doctor was rude and patronizing and acted without her consent; she was eventually rushed into a c-section which she described as “akin to being buried alive.”
After the birth she tried to find women who would understand. But rather than validation Taffy got more questions: Why didn’t you get a doula? Why didn’t you go with a midwife? When she became pregnant with number two, friends and doulas instructed her to be more relaxed, empowered. They told her to “take back her birth.”
But can you really control birth?
Women with very strict ideas about how the birth will go—whether it’s with an epidural at the first contraction, or in the ocean with dolphins—do risk “failing” those expectations. Taffy quotes Pam England, midwife and author of Birthing From Within:
“I don’t understand this phrase ‘take back your birth. Who took it? What would a woman tell herself it meant about her if she failed to meet the criteria she made up for ‘taking back’ her birth? I am concerned that this phrase, meant to generate action and a feeling of empowerment, may actually be generated by or feeding the victim part of her.”
This rings true to me.
I don’t think women can “control” their births and despite lots of technology that aims to do precisely that, I don’t think medicine can control them either. But I do think we can be treated with respect when we’re in labor. And this is where I found Taffy’s story particularly heartbreaking.
A positive birth experience is not about how you did it–whether you had the epidural or didn’t have the epidural– but whether you were treated with respect and kindness at a vulnerable time. All kinds of births can be powerful, positive experiences. Or even just *not traumatic* experiences. Just read the personal essays on this site: People love their c-sections and love their home births.
But Taffy didn’t get much in the way of kindness. She wasn’t listened to. She wasn’t consulted. She wasn’t even included! Reading her story, it felt like her birth was done to her. And it did her in. I hope she gets some respect when she’s laboring with her next baby. Not so she can control the birth, but so she can let go.
Photo: MamaLoves/Flickr
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6 Comments
Voice of Reason commented on Jul 15 10 at 8:09 pmOMG! I had a water birth and that comment about giving birth with dolphins in the ocean made me laugh out loud! Why didn’t I think of that?!
Rosana commented on Jul 16 10 at 10:29 amI agree, we or the doctors cannot control birth. However, when it comes to managing it best I will say the doctor will know more than me since she has more experience. At the same time, we must demand to be listened to, consulted and included during birth.
Nevertheless, I wonder how she did not realize what kind of doctor she had while receiving the prenatal care. You can tell if your doctor is open, if she does not like to answer questions, etc.
ceridwen commented on Jul 16 10 at 10:40 amRosana, I totally agree. We absolutely have to trust our care providers. Absolutely. If you go into labor suspicious and terrified. Ugh, so hard. This is great: “At the same time, we must demand to be listened to, consulted and included during birth.” What a difference it makes to have that autonomy and respect. It’s huge.
mamazee commented on Jul 16 10 at 4:04 pmActually, doctors don’t always “have more experience” than me… Most of them are men, and no matter what someone told them, they really seriously have no idea. “push like a bowel movement?” bizarre…
anyway, after a birth that felt like a kidnapping/rape complete with death threats and harassment where i was not allowed to sleep for more than 45 min at a time, and was *forced* to try to nurse my baby who had just finished, was full and completely uninterested (this was my third) – i finally did “take back birth” for my sixth and seventh children. My fifth was a transitional waterbirth in a birth centre – the last two were unassisted homebirths in water. I don’t need a doctor – birth is natural, and for me, not a scary medical procedure…
Karalyn commented on Jul 22 10 at 6:49 amMy Birth Plan was completely ignored. I had a natural breech delivery BUT an ARM, manouvres perfromed without my consent and had to stop the OB from cutting the cord (just to name a few things) even though she was well aware I wanted to Lotus Birth. I am now taking the matter to court.
Alicia commented on Jan 21 11 at 9:09 pmI do not believe the doctors know best! Most doctors now have NEVER seen a natural birth. No epidural, no iv, no vaginal exams, etc. After going through medical school after having two natural homebirths and listening to my professors teach us to actively manage and even IGNORE the ‘ridiculous’ requests of laboring women I brought in my birth videos and did my own presentation of REAL birth! Even a C average doctor is still a doctor! Educate yourself!
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