Babys First Year Blog
I Have an Idea! Let’s Stop Telling Other Moms How to Spend Their Time!
They're cute but they sure are a time-suck
I’ve been up since 5 o’clock this morning and I still have not an ounce of work to show for it.
My daughters and I returned home from a week-long trip at around 9 o’clock last night. Both girls are sick (again!), and poor baby Peony was up at 3 and then 5 this morning in need some comfort in the form of my breasts.
All I’ve done since then is take her to the doctor (another ear infection, another round of nebulizer treatments). And yet it’s now mid afternoon and I still haven’t even been able to move the second suitcase upstairs to unpack it because the list of things to do ahead of it is just too long. I don’t have anything material that I’ve accomplished to account for my time, but I can tell you not a moment has been idle.
While I appreciate and admire that cloth diapering and baby food-making is so easy! and so quick! for so many moms, when I have a spare moment every few weeks, washing poop and pureeing peas is not how I choose to spend it.
I work at home full time and I watch my 5-month-old daughter Peony full time. My 3-year-old daughter Petunia is in preschool three days a week, and the other two days she’s home with Peony and me. I also do the majority of the grocery shopping, virtually all of the cooking in our home. Did I mention I work full time from home?
My husband is a most excellent dad, but he also works full time (and then some) — out of the home. So except for first thing in the morning and right before bedtime, I’m on my own.
A typical day starts between 5 and 7, depending on what time Peony gets up. While I’m nursing her I start working (one-handed typing is hardly fun, but it’s definitely a necessity). On most days I don’t eat until 1 in the afternoon or shower before 2. While I’m working I’m also entertaining the baby and trying to pick up after Petunia so our house doesn’t look like the forgotten victim of a seasonal hurricane 24/7. I try to cram in my trips to the store before picking up Petunia from preschool at 4, because shopping with her and the baby is about as pleasant as a bikini wax.
After I’ve done my work for the day, or however much I can get done while nursing, singing, dancing and cuddling with a 5-month-old and trying to maintain some semblance of sanity in my house, I spend the late afternoon and early evening feeding, bathing and directing traffic for everyone. When everyone gets to bed, I’m often finishing up my work and trying to get ahead for the days that Petunia isn’t in school. That means I’m also working on the weekends, sometimes up to 10-12 hours a day.
While I appreciate all of the comments on the posts I’ve written about how easy and quick it is to cloth diaper and make baby food, disposable diapers and jarred baby food work just fine for my family. The hour a week or a month or whatever everyone claims is how long it takes for those DIY projects is an hour I’d rather spend reading or, even better, staring off in into space and doing nothing.
There are plenty of moms — married, divorced, widowed, single, working, stay-at-home, part-timers — who cloth diaper, make baby food, knit clothes for their entire family. No one said it would be easy, but what I find downright irritating (particularly when I’ve been up since 5 and have nothing to show for it because I’ve been doing stuff that needs to get done but can’t be seen) is when other people think that what they do is easy (or desirable) for everyone else. And to suppose that anyone really knows just how much free time — be it 5 minutes or 5 hours — that anyone else has? Particularly someone they don’t even know? That’s just silly, don’t you think?
I think we can agree that we all have our own definition of quick and easy. For some women, working from home is neither quick nor easy. It’s certainly not for me, but it’s important and worth it for me to do it since I don’t want to leave my kids in someone else’s care. We all have our priorities. I know I’ve found mine, for sure.
Thanks for the helpful hints, but I’m quite fine with store bought food and store bought diapers, and my decision to buy both of them also lets me sleep well at night (or as well as Peony lets me).
Do you sometimes wish that as well-meaning as they are, some people would spend their two cents in a store other than yours?
Image: Meredith Carroll
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20 Comments
Bre commented on Feb 01 12 at 7:53 pmI love bikini waxes :) you rock and this is a great post slash therapy
guajolote commented on Feb 01 12 at 8:09 pmOn the diaper post – I mean you were in part implying that people who do cloth diaper clearly have more time than they know what to do with, and/or love manhandling baby waste. So you had to expect comments from people who cloth diaper.
Krista commented on Feb 01 12 at 10:43 pmI love this post! I often feel exactly like you do in terms not feeling like I have anything to show for my day (house not spotless, laundry still in the dryer) while still having been busy every single moment. And yet I’m taking the year off from work so I don’t even have the excuse of holding down a full time job. I do make my own baby food but in general I am constantly berating myself for not being more efficient. When I’m up in the wee hours with the baby I look at all of those organization websites and marvel at the pictures of everyone’s closets and kitchen cabinets (mom porn). I’ve finally convinced my husband that I don’t want to take a “load off” while he does the dishes. I would much rather feel productive by cleaning the kitchen. Of course, I remind myself the fact that I have 2 happy, contented kids at the end of the day is really the point–even if we didn’t do a craft, bake anything, or grow our own fruits and vegetables from seed that day….
Meredith Carroll commented on Feb 01 12 at 11:43 pm@Bre — You are a doll. :)
Sara commented on Feb 02 12 at 8:35 amI’m sorry, I agree with Guajolote. It is totally fine for you to have your priorities and opinions, but in previous posts you have completely bashed other peoples’ choices. It is only natural that they would defend themselves and try to educate you on why they made those choices. It’s sad, because I feel like moms should support each other, even when they don’t agree on the details.
Ana A. commented on Feb 02 12 at 8:17 pmGreat post! I work full time out of the home, I still chose to cloth diaper & make my own baby food but I never try to get others to do the same. To each their own or however you say that :) But yeah I often wonder how is the day over & it looks like I did absolutely nothing.
TK commented on Feb 03 12 at 3:55 pmI agree 100% with guajolote and Sara. If you choose to use a negative tone, or make negative comments, then of course people are going to be quick to defend. A vast majority of the time, those who have negative opinions about something are not fully educated about the benefits. I’m not, by any means, saying that you are uneducated about cloth diapering or baby food making (for all I know you could have a PhD in the department), but the person reading your blog may not be, and it’s wouldn’t be fair for them to read something, and then make their own opinion, without having all the facts available.
suzanne s commented on Feb 07 12 at 12:37 amBest ever. I read and this and was like Rock On. Every mom is different and chooses different things. As long as each mom has the best interest of the child or children we should all agree to disagree. Call it a day and go play with the kiddos.. Thank you for writing this. It made me feel better. I have had one of those days today as well.
Samira commented on Feb 07 12 at 12:43 amok I don’t cloth diaper because i don’t have a washer and dryer however i would love too as I think the one time expense of buying cloth diapers or well the expenses of buying the next size up each time would possibly be less expensive for me than buying box after box of disposables however I do understand the time consumption it takes and I agree I just don’t have it I also agree than we should not tell each other how to spend our time I understand you are busy I in no way mean to imply that everyone has time to make their own baby food I am also a busy mom who works full time outside the home I wish I could work at home as I don’t like leaving her even with her father as he sometimes needs a mommy too and I am kinda that mommy I was merely suggesting that it wasn’t that bad making my own baby food since I was already making dinner but then again my daughter got teeth early and didn’t require quite so much mashing and most often just ate small bites from my plate sorry if I offended you in any way it was not intentional
Hallie Thompson commented on Feb 07 12 at 12:56 am“I don’t have anything material that I’ve accomplished to account for my time, but I can tell you not a moment has been idle.” Was just having a conversation about this with my bff today.- Great line:o)
Savannah commented on Feb 07 12 at 1:17 amI’m a stay-at-home mom and I’ve been asked “what do you do all day?!” Questions and comments about how I should “make your own baby food” or “use cloth diapers” are frustrating, so I totally get where you’re coming from!! I think mom’s who like doing that stuff are awesome and I wish I had the patience to do it…well not the cloth diapers I don’t have the strongest stomach and I just don’t think Me and Cloth diapers would be a good mix.I agree that mom’s who suggest them mean well and I appreciate them trying to help, but after a long day of chasing my boys and puppy, cleaning the house and making sure my boys are still in one piece at the end of the day making my own baby food is not on my to do list either! OH and I hate bikini waxes too…when is that fun…OUCH!
Jessica commented on Feb 07 12 at 1:41 amYou probably wouldn’t get rude comments from cloth diapering/food making families if your posts didn’t carry such a judgmental and superior tone. There are ways to share your thoughts and opinions. Stepping on others to make your opinions seem better isn’t the way to go. Every family is different, every family needs different things. My family is more natural, yours isn’t. Neither way is wrong. However, the way you approach some of your subject matter, is. You kill more bees with honey.
Nicole commented on Feb 07 12 at 3:32 amOmg, you said it all and I’m glad you did. You are completely right from a to z!
Jennifer L. commented on Feb 07 12 at 7:32 amI agree that we should not judge other mothers on the decisions or style of parenting that they decide on. I do think you should realize, that sometimes we do not have the luxury to stay home with our kids. It is very naive of you to say we all make our choices. Sometimes we have to make the choice to be out in the work world. Personally, I am very tired of stay at home mom’s telling me that being a full time mom is the hardest job. It is defensive and down right stupid. Personally, I do both I was forced to enter the work force full time again as a singe mother to support three children. The days I have off with my children feel like vacation days as I get very few of those. I didn’t make a choice, it was necessity. So, I do both, I parent full time and work full time. And am exhausted and someones resentful. Work is hard, you have deadlines and the pressure of making a living. Being with my children is my hugest joy. I would much rather have an intact family, and to be able to sit with my children again and do art projects with them.
Rachel commented on Feb 07 12 at 8:35 amWow your life sounds oodles easier than mine! I think sometimes it’s not about how much we each have to do but more likely how capable or willing we are to handle it. For example with the cloth diapering and homemade food, for me and most others it’s a health choice that we won’t give up just to be able to stare into space. I wouldn’t sacrifice my child or the impact on the environment. I also don’t see it as taking anymore of my time than going to the store would. I work from home, have 3 children whom are all homeschooled and I am pregnant. I cloth diaper, cook from scratch, and all the rest of it. It bothers ME when people with much much simpler and easier lives (2 kids and preschool!) talk about how they don’t have time for this or that. Try walking a mile in my shoes!
Raquel Wall commented on Feb 07 12 at 9:56 amI agree that it is each persons own priorities. We all have our own priorities..If it is my priority to make baby food or use cloth diapers (I have done both: still not a fan of the cloth diapers though) then other things would go by the wayside…We always have time or the money if it is something that is a priority to us…so lets all have our own priorities and let others have theirs! Some days taking a shower or leaving the house is a priority so I try to squeeze that in too:-) WAHM- Raquel Wall-Baby Blast Pres.
Adrianne commented on Feb 07 12 at 10:48 amI didn’t read your cloth diapering post, but just read the other one before this one. I think it was the line, “I’d never in a million years have time for that!” in reference to making baby food. I think a lot of people probably just wanted to tell you that it was much faster and easier than even THEY ever imagined and maybe you didn’t realize that. Especially when you say here that you do all of the cooking for the family…it MIGHT be just as easy to mash up some veggies (while you’re already making them) for the baby as it is to spend extra time in the grocery store.
I’m a brand new mommy, so I’m new to all of this, and from what I can tell, we all just want a little bit of recognition for all of the hard work we put in. Moms are SO under-appreciated that it’s nice to hear when we’re doing something well. None of us is going to do everything perfectly or exactly as we’d like to, so we pick our battles and as you said, prioritize. For some people that means buying baby food and cloth diapering and breastfeeding and staying at home. For others it means working outside of the home to contribute to finances, buying baby food and diapers, and pumping at work, but missing time with their baby. For others it means never allowing their child to watch tv, working from home, formula feeding, but being with their baby. For everyone, it means choosing what’s most important to YOU to spend your time on and going with that.
It’s just so hard to accept that we can’t do everything exactly the way we want to, so I think we take pride in the few things that we try hard to do right and accomplish. It’s all relative and there is no way to say whose life is “more difficult.”
Adrianne commented on Feb 07 12 at 11:03 amOk, so I just went over to read the diaper post, and after having done so, it seems you are just as guilty of giving other mothers a hard time. “Save Mother Earth! Recycle! Blah, blah, blah.” Whether you intended it or not, that belittles another mothers decision to cloth diaper. Mothers who cloth diaper no doubt do it because it’s important to them. It’s a priority and that’s how they choose to spend their time. If you want people to respect your choices as a mother, you should also respect the choices of other mothers and try not to sound condescending about a choice that I’m sure many women feel proud of making. Just as you are proud to accomplish all that you do! And you should be; your life sounds purely chaotic and I could never work full-time from home with my five month old (I have a five month old too!!). So kudos to you, but don’t take away from someone else’s accomplishment. I know it’s hard to tell tone in text, but I’m meaning for this to come off very sincerely and not at all harshly:)
Amanda commented on Feb 07 12 at 1:04 pmI love this post, however, the snarky comments are just degrading and belittling to those of us who choose a different path. I won’t go so far as to defend myself or explain my position because that seems to be completely senseless at this point. With that being said, I really enjoy the comments from other readers! I love reading your advice and opinions ladies, because to me, it’s sharing what works for YOU and that’s great! So often, I’ve read a comment and thought “whoa, I wonder if that’ll solve that problem in my life” so I try it out and yeah, sometimes it really works! Other times, it’s just not for me, but I’m still glad I tried it because now I know.
There’s a fine line between bossing someone around and just sharing what works for you IN CASE it works for someone else. While the author of this post crossed the line to the dark side, I have to say to the fellow readers – KUDOS! Your comments are most helpful. I’ll keep coming back for the comments on the posts, which hold more value anyway. ;)
Angela commented on Feb 25 12 at 2:50 amVery, VERY well said. I have a sister-in-law who lets our mother-in-law practically raise her son because she’s too lazy to be a good mother. Her son is 2 1/2 years old and he cries all the time because he does not know how to talk yet, he’s not potty trained yet, he has no clue what to do with a book and immediately rips the pages out of any child book anyone buys for him, he has none of the social skills of other kids his age, or even other kids younger than him…NOBODY works with him, all they do is put him in front of the tv all day every day and play with him and babytalk him…and this woman has the nerve to tell me how to be a mother – oh, and every piece of information she self-righteously passes on to me is 100% wrong: “you’re not supposed to take Tums when you’re pregnant, you’re gonna hurt your baby!” “you’re not supposed to go to the dentist while you’re pregnant! you’re gonna hurt your baby because you’re being selfish and thinking about your teeth before you think about your baby! what kind of idiot dentist do you have? no REAL dentist is going to even SEE YOU when you’re pregnant because it’s bad for the baby!” (this was a 25-minute rant, stomping and screaming at me all over my mother-in-law’s house) “you’re not supposed to wear heels when you’re pregnant! those are bad for your feet and you’re gonna hurt your baby! here, wear these flip-flops!” “you’re not supposed to eat meat when you’re pregnant! you’re gonna hurt your baby!” My son was diagnosed with Trisomy 18 and he passed away 12 days before his due date – these are just a few of the BS comments I had to put up with from her while I was pregnant and everyone knowing that our son was going to die. Lovely, huh?
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