Babys First Year Blog
A Father’s Role in Childbirth.
While link jumping around the internet tonight, I landed on a 2008 article by a popular obstetrician named Michael Odent about his take on men in the delivery room. His two cents: They shouldn’t be there. His single valid point was that some men can be nervous during the experience and project that onto the mother, but in my opinion, the rest of his “reasoning” was absolute garbage (with my biggest eye roll going to his statement that men should stay out as it causes some of them to leave their wives after witnessing the act of birth).
But it did get me thinking about the role of fathers during birth. It’s a given that not every man is going to be comfortable in that situation – his partner in pain, the anticipation and nervousness of a new baby on the horizon – it can be a nerve wracking experience for many men, especially if they didn’t participate in any birth education with his partner beforehand. My knowledge of how men act in the delivery room is limited to my experience with my husband and what I see on birth shows on tv. It certainly can run the gamut from hands off in the corner to right there catching the baby as its born.
My husband was an essential part of both of my deliveries but he took an interest in the birth process from the very beginning. He read books, watched videos and went to most of midwife appointments. I think that a father’s role in childbirth is a very individual experience – what one man is comfortable with could make another uncomfortable. Even in reflecting on the birth’s of both my children, I feel like my husband was much more calm and focused with our second. He’d been through it once, knew what to expect and what I expected of him.
I’d love to hear other perspectives on this subject. Was your husband/partner active or passive during the birth of your child or children? Did his presence bring you peace or make you nervous? For those of you with multiple children, was he more relaxed the second/third/fourth time around? Do you feel that pre-natal participation in classes or doctor’s appointments lessened his anxiety or encouraged his engagement?
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23 Comments
Tamara commented on Jan 20 12 at 11:52 pmMy son’s dad is neither my husband nor partner, but he is a friend and he was present at the birth of our son. I can say, wholeheartedly, that I am so glad he was there. Our situation is unique, of course, but I know that we both value his having been there and the bond it created between us as parents, and his ability to have share those early bonding moments with his son.
www.shotgunkorea.wordpress.com commented on Jan 21 12 at 2:55 amMy husband was an integral part of my our birth experience, more important to me than our midwives (yes, plural), doula or doctor. I have never seen him so calm and focused in all of my life. I don’t think I could have gotten through it without him.
Taz commented on Jan 21 12 at 4:51 ammy husband was there, but he didn’t watch the baby exit my vagina. he held my hand & helped me push. to be honest, my instinct is to be alone with no one looking at me when i’m in pain. there were moments i wanted to kick him out, but i knew he would be devastated. he came to every appt & birth class.
Elle commented on Jan 21 12 at 8:42 amI would never have made it if my husband hadn’t been there!
Anna commented on Jan 21 12 at 10:38 amI’m glad that guy wasn’t MY OB…what a stupid article that was. I can’t imagining having given birth without my husband there. He kept me focused and calm, all three times, he held my hand during contractions, and when I thought I couldn’t do it anymore he would whisper to me how amazing and strong I was. The last time I gave birth, in August, he tracked and timed my contractions with an app on his iPhone, and was an active part of the birth process. When I was feeling too much in pain to be very communicative, he would tell the nurses how I was doing and what I needed. He kept me company, told me he loved me, and was there for me when I needed him the most. Neither of us would have wanted it any other way.
chelsey commented on Jan 21 12 at 2:44 pmWe took hypnobabies classes, watched birth videos, etc. My husband slept through most of my labor at home and was helpful during the last hours before we went to the hospital – but once we got into triage, i promise you that he did not speak a word to me until after the baby was born. he told me he would try to speak, but each time felt like he was going to burst into tears, so he dutifully held my water bottle – luckily, i had a doula. he did catch the baby, and he helped me those first few days with all the gruesome pad changes and whatnot, without complaint but offered to. I would never have not wanted him there – but I wouldn’t have noticed if he was gone/i could have done it without him. he also told me afterwards that he thinks we should get a doula again – ohhh my sweet man haha.
Poppy commented on Jan 22 12 at 2:57 pmMy partner dripped water into my mouth and helped me move my hips when I was too exhausted to move them myself anymore. Couldn’t of gone through it without him and my Mother in the room.
Poppy commented on Jan 22 12 at 3:00 pmAnd the Daily Mail is a joke, you have to take everything they say with a pinch of salt.
elendy commented on Jan 22 12 at 7:20 pmSo, in the 200 or so births I’ve attended so far, I’d say it’s about 80/20 – most partners are really supportive! Some are clueless, some are nervous – but even those guys often want to help in some way.
I have also had a good number of dads who only wanted to avoid, well, the business end of birthin’ – yes, for fear that it would traumatize them if they actually saw a baby come out of their wife/girlfriend’s vagina….whatever. To each their own.
As for my own experiences, my husband was great. I really feel like I couldn’t have made it through any of our kids’ births without him.
ashley commented on Jan 22 12 at 8:22 pmMy husband is anxiety ridden. I was definitely pulling him along through my first pregnancy. I had to remind him constantly that the baby was kicking and that all was well. I think it was hard for him to be the bystander. We planned a home birth with our first, but it didn’t work out that way. Luckily we had our midwives with us in the hospital and they were absolutely essential. They lead him, who in turn became a bigger support to me. Without the midwives, I don’t know what I would have done. The whole birthing experience was extrememly overwhelming for him. The memory is one filled with anxiety.
I am pregnant again and am planning another home birth. It’s been hard getting him on board. I actually sent you an email through Dear Baby, but understand that you are a busy mama. In any case, I think it’s ideal to have your husband’s involvement. Getting him comfortable with the plan that is most comfortable to you is another story. Was Brent completely supportive of your decision to have you babies outside of the hospital setting?
P. commented on Jan 22 12 at 9:13 pmOh, there is absolutely NO WAY I could have survived my almost 40-hour labor without my amazing husband. He stood by my side, supporting me (emotionally… AND physically, holding me up!) for every killer med-free contraction, and when I finally gave into the exhaustion and opted for an epidural, he reassured me that I wasn’t “weak” or “abandoning” the birth I’d envisioned. Every memory of bringing my daughter into this world involves him, and for US anyway, that seems like exactly the way it should be.
victoria commented on Jan 23 12 at 10:03 ammy husband was very involved, he attending a birthing class with me taught by our doula. he was very active in the class and participated and read all the material all on his own. during our 15 hr labour he was great, he got a bit woozy when our doula put his hand on the baby’s head as it was crowning but generally he was very strong. he had a hard time with me being in so much pain as i went through the entire birth naturally but we played off of each others strengths. it was just our doula, he and i (and the delivery dr) for those hours and i wouldn’t have had it any other way. I was so happy to have a partner who was so supportive.
Shannon commented on Jan 23 12 at 9:53 pmMy husband was there, and he was wonderful. He brought me Coke, popsicles and Jell-O (all I was allowed to have) to keep my energy up and held me when my contractions got bad before I had my epidural. He held my hand and leg during delivery, and though I told him he could stay up by my head if he wanted, he ended up seeing everything. I tore really badly (my OB wouldn’t even tell me how bad it was) and he saw it happen and watched me get stitched up and never flinched or complained. It didn’t bother him at all and it hasn’t had any effect on how he feels about “down there”. I couldn’t have done it without him.
Elizabeth commented on Jan 24 12 at 7:47 amI’m 34 weeks prego with our first baby, I’m really looking forward to the birthing experience…we’re planning an all natural water birth in a birthing center. That being said if I thought for one second that my husband wouldn’t be allowed with me during the birth I.would.be.terrified!!! We’ll see if i feel the same afterwards. ;o)
Stephanie commented on Jan 24 12 at 10:47 amYeah, Melissa, you’ve got to watch out! The Daily Mail isn’t recognised at all in Britain (nor should it be anywhere else) as a reliable source. They are a very right-wing paper and light on the editing. Hope you didn’t let the article disturb you too much!
Lydia Collins @Imperfectbird.tumblr.com commented on Jan 27 12 at 8:42 amI said this on Twitter in response to your tweet about this, but I thought I’d share on here if anyone is interested…according to Midwifery Today, this particular version of this interview with Michael Odent was heavily edited. YES, he did say he didn’t feel that the father’s place is always in the birth room, but there was NO argument about them “leaving the mother” after birth in his original statement. In fact, he was very even-handed, saying it’s an individual decision that both parents should make, but there shouldn’t be pressure on dads to be in there since that’s a relatively new development in the history of childbirth for males to be present.
Dr. Odent is very well respect in the natural childbirth community, so as soon as I read this I knew something had to be “off” about the Daily Mail article!
Raia commented on Jan 27 12 at 1:19 pmMy husband was my rock during the birth of our daughter. He attended most of the midwive appointments, read some of the books and supported me thoughtout the pregnancy. Our baby was born at home and one of my most vivid memories is of how calm my husband seemed (to me anyway, he remembers being very nervous) and how everytime I asked for him – or the water bottle he was holding, his arms to hold me, or just his voice to let me know he was still there – the thing I needed appeared. He was there, right where I needed him.
It was also interesting to me that before the birth he asked if it was OK if he not cut the umbilical cord or watch the birth and I said that’s OK, do whatever you are comfortable with. But when it came down to it, he was really facinated to watch the birth and gladly cut the cord twice. I was very proud of him.
erin commented on Jan 27 12 at 1:55 pmmy husband was very involved and supportive, and i loved it. he went to most of the appointments and was with me or little A every moment we were in the hospital (except when he went to move/get the car).
if i HAD to pick anything negative about the whole birth experience concerning him it would be that he kept saying “you are doing so great” over and over and over. i couldn’t bring myself to ask him to stop though becase he was being so thoughtful and amazing otherwise.
Laura commented on Jan 27 12 at 1:58 pmMy husband was fantastic during our birth. Like you, I attribute this to him being involved and participating in childbirth education throughout my pregnancy. Early in my pregnancy, I made him watch The Business of Being Born with me and I could not have anticipated how much he would drink that proverbial KoolAid–he is now the biggest evangelist when it comes to natural childbirth and tells all his expectant friends about the benefits of it. We were fortunate enough to give birth with some great midwives and a great doula, who encouraged his participation. He caught our son as he came out and it was just magical for all of us. I would have felt so alone without him there, and terrible for depriving him of the experience.
Anna commented on Jan 27 12 at 3:30 pmMelissa and others, I must agree with Lydia’s above post defending Dr. Odent. The Daily Mail article was skewed and poorly written. Check out The Farmer and the Obstetrician for a factual and unique perspective on normal birth.
One reason I chose a homebirth was so my husband could be present, but during my labor I found I wanted to be alone. He napped, read, went for a bike ride. During an intense moment when I was pushing baby out in our bedroom, I looked up at him in between contractions, saw him literally biting his knuckles, and said to him, babe, it’s allright, I’ve got this! Everyone cracked up and he was able to relax, as was I. His energy had been affecting me!
Once baby was out, after holding her a bit, I was too exhausted to do much mothering, so the midwives had him take off his shirt and wrapped naked baby up with him. It was such a lovely bonding moment for them and they’re super close still.
I really enjoy your writing, thanks for sharing your story with us!
Alyssa commented on Jan 27 12 at 6:38 pmI couldn’t imagine giving birth without the help of my husband. Not only for emotional support but physical as well. Though my midwife and nurse were wonderful they just we’re not strong enough to support me in some of the ways I needed. I loved having him there and some of my best memories of the experience were when I was staring in his eyes between pushes. He was my rock.
Amber commented on Jan 27 12 at 9:50 pmMy daughter’s father was absolutely no help to me at all. He was the reason my laboring room became a spectator sport with 30+ people in my room during the the worst of my contractions. I kept silent, terrified of hurting anyone’s feelings. But to know what I know now, I would have kicked every last person, including him, out of my room. And he actually came to each of my childbirth classes, and promised that he would be on my side for my natural birth plan. But he was the first to say that I needed to get the meds. It was a horrible experience having him there. I know better for any future children that I may be blessed with. I will have only one supportive coach and no one else. I feel awful that I am the only Debbie Downer commenter.
Rachel Gelling commented on Feb 08 12 at 8:41 pmMy partner is my best friend and I loved that we were a team bringing our little girl into the world. It was a very long painful labour but we were lucky to be in a supportive environment where Quinn was born in water with no pain relief. In the moments where the pain was extreme and scary he talked to me, guided me and gave me the strength I needed to keep going.
For some reason the midwife i loved all through my pregnancy suddenly became the brunt of all my cursing and frustration so it was my partner who listened to Quinn’s heartbeat to make sure she was still strong and doing well.
Near the end I was so exhausted that I was falling asleep in the birth pool between contractions and he was there holding my head out of the water.The moment of celebrating that first breath as a family is monumental. All partners should be welcomed as a invaluable part of birth.
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