Uggg. I’m not liking the Similac ad displayed so prominently beside this post.

It may be all age related. Now you have more time to spend with Petunia while Peony is sleeping. When she gets older and is awake more you will bond with both of them. While your youngest is breastfeeding and looks like she is sleeping she is taking in much more of her enviroment than you may think her brain ins hard wired to breastfeed even if she is asleep. She is totally tuned into you as her environment.
Putting up free blogs about breastfeeding and formula brings out the best in the Breastmilk Substitute manufacturers. These companies would love to see Peony get their Formula
Hugs
Attie

A big difference between bottle feeding and breast feeding is that you have a free hand when you breast feed. I was constantly multitasking and my computer was covered in breast milk for months. When we started with bottles, I didn’t have the extra hand. I wish I had been more present when I was breast feeding.

I agree with Maude– after a couple of months, when they pause just to grin at you, it’s different.

I’m a big believer that ‘a bottle and a cuddle are not a breastfeed’

I feel totally unattached when feeding a bottle, when breastfeeding we are in tune with each other yet I can do something with my free hand. With a bottle I want to hurry so I can get on with things. I would feed the bottle as well so no getting on with things while hubby does it- that’s my job :)

You sound confused. I think you need to try to see this from your baby’s perspective, not just your own.

Your perspective seems to be that you’re not getting enough bonding time with baby because she isn’t looking into your eyes and would not “recognise” you with a shirt on; you sound tired and a bit resentful of all the feeding. You’re comparing it to last time when you bottle fed, and probably didn’t spend quite so much time giving milk to your baby (though there was also all the sterilisation of bottles, mixing of formula and use of the breast pump, waiting for the milk warmer to do its thing, which you may not have accounted for when you do the time math). You’re also rushing around the house as a work at home mom, plus have another little one to take care of, both of which take up extra time and may contribute to your feelings of being rushed with less quality time for baby #2.

From your new baby’s POV, she doesn’t mean to use you, she’s just doing what comes naturally, and in a small baby that’s feeding – alot. I think all breastfeeding mums must go through the stage of asking “how often is he/she going to feed!?” – it sometimes feels like it is never going to end, they’re feeding all day and all night long, and without loads of support we can end up feeling kind of used! But trust me, being in your arms with our without eye contact is a HUGE gift to your baby. The smell of mommy, the feel of mommy, being wrapped up in a big cuddle whenever it’s time for a feed, are amazingly good for your baby and the extra health benefits for both of you are alone a great reason to keep to the breast. Also, it’s so much more convenient when you’re out and about (no bottles to haul around, etc) and with practice you can even do it ‘on the go’ with baby in a sling! A great bonus for busy moms!

If your feelings of resentment or frustration continue to build, and you don’t find that getting extra support helps you work through them, it may be that the bonding experience provided by breastfeeding is undermined. You don’t want your baby to feel your resentment, and if you have to give up the breast, you’re not a bad mom and shouldn’t blame yourself. You will still bond with your baby if you end up using a bottle! Just try to get support first, studies have shown that many more moms give up breastfeeding due to lack of support than any other factor. Don’t rush into the decision, as we all go through highs and lows and moments of feeling we can’t do this anymore – with support we can often work through this, but in the end only mommy knows what’s right for her and the little one.

Good luck.

What a stupid post. Damaging and stupid. You don’t understand the issues you are writing about, what you are doing is making yourself feel better because you are worried you damaged your baby with formula. Which is totally stupid in itself. This just perpetuates the like hood of other people making really uninformed decisions. No one has time to bod with their second the same as the first btw.

I think it more likely that having only 1 child made it easier to bond with your first. While formula feeding is not a barrier to good mother- infant bonding, studies show that breastfeeding enhances the bond. It is known that the love hormone, oxytocin, is released during breastfeeding. That can not be replicated by formula feeding.
At the end of the day, the quality of the parent has a greater impact on bonding.

What a strange and pathetic post. Of course babies who are breastfed bond MORE. And formula doesn’t nourish it just provides a way to give a baby food. Breast milk nourishes and provides everything a baby needs in a way formula never could. Nothing is more comforting than a nipple/breast full of milk. You really think a plastic teat can compare?
I bey you won’t even post this comment. Funny how you have formula adverts right next to this too.
I find your thinking very odd if you think that breastfed babies bond less. Very odd indeed. My babies loved/love drinking from me and gave me plenty of eye contact. Nothing does, or ever will compare to breastmilk, especially not artificial milk in a plastic bottle.

Your baby is only 12 weeks old. Maybe you should lower your expectations of her, just a smidge.

She’s probably closing her eyes and staring at your nipple because your breast is super comforting to her. Yes breastfeeding takes up a lot of your time, and you feel like all you do is nurse all day long. This is why many people give it up or decide it’s not for them. Maybe the bonding issues you’re describing are your issues, not your baby’s. The thing is, when you have children, it stops becoming about you. If you think it’s best for your family to bottle feed and not breastfeed, that is absolutely your choice, but you should own it and not blame it on other factors, such as the fact your 12-week-old, who is likely just starting to be able to see more than 12 inches away, isn’t making direct eye contact with you.

I will admit, I really did not love breastfeeding the first few months. Even longer, because when I went back to work my baby started preferring bottles and went on nursing strikes. But once he got a little older, like around four months old, it became our “thing”. He looked up at me, stopped nursing every so often to babble and smile up at me, and it was much more interactive than the first few months. But again, everything with a newborn is blah …. you have to give your baby some time to grow up.

I’m sorry the author of this post feels this way, and I feel bad for her baby, as the mom simply does not understand and hasn’t sought information on the breast feeding relationship. It is an absolute false statement that breast fed babies would bond less. I hope for her baby’s sake she educates herself more and seeks support from the breast feeding community.

Our daughter never used a bottle and let me say I’m completely bonded with her. Bottles may be necessary for working mothers or when a mother needs to leave her baby. I’m sure there’s a stack of research to pull from when it comes to bottles and their effects on teeth alignment and speech development. The list is LONG when it comes to benefits of breastfeeding at the breast and still LONG for expressed breast milk bottles. The list is SHORT when it comes to formula, end of story. Formula is “dead” and breast milk is “alive” literally alive. I think modern society has made it too easy to get off course. Breastfeeding at the breast is best, it’s environmentally sound, the list of benefits are pages long. If you had your baby in the middle of no where you would breastfeed or your baby would die. Our breasts are meant for milk and modern convenient inventions like formula and bottles will never change that fact.

I know exactly what you’re saying, and have wondered this myself in the past. When I had my firstborn over 7 years ago, I exclusively breastfed her because it seemed like the right thing to do. So much more convenient, healthy, economical, etc. I also assumed it promoted better bonding because that’s what I had read, but I never thought about it much. Breastfeeding was how I fed her, and did so for about 16 months. When my next child was born, I started out exclusively breastfeeding him the same way, but it was a whole different story. He had trouble latching and sucking, I had trouble getting my milk to come in, and he didn’t gain much weight at all for the first couple months of his life. Thus, I ended up supplementing with formula, and eventually going completely to formula. I hated that I was giving him “artificial” milk, I hated the ridiculously expensive formula, I hated the bottle preparation and clean-up, and I hated that my body wasn’t able to provide for him the way it did with my daughter. But…I loved feeding him. A far cry from the unsuccessful, frustrating nursing sessions we’d shared before I started supplementing, or even the somewhat detached nursing sessions I’d done with my daughter, in which I would get her latched on and either read or surf the internet until she was done, feeding my son his bottles was really delightful. I would hold him and stare into his eyes while he clutched the sides of his bottle and stared up at me, obviously enjoying finally getting filled up for a change. I had the thought, “Wait, isn’t bottle feeding supposed to promote less bonding between mother and child?” I felt like we bonded really well during his bottle feeds. Now I have a third child, and am breastfeeding her exclusively like I did with my firstborn. As I said, I like it better overall. I like that it’s healthier, more convenient, and free. And yes, I feel like I bond with my baby. But more so than I did with my son when I bottle-fed him? I don’t think so. I think that it’s certainly possible to bottle feed and not bond well with your baby while doing it, but I can’t believe, based on my experience, that feeding your baby formula from a bottle automatically means that you’re going to bond less than you would if you were breastfeeding that baby instead.

What a thought provoking post. As someone who has both breast and formula fed, I have never considered whether one child bonded more than the other. My oldest 3 are 20, 11 and 8 (youngest is 1 year and no 5 is on the way) and as I reflect on my relationships with them I notice that I love and am bonded to them equally. Two were formula fed and one was breastfed until 19 months. What had the greatest impact on our relationships? The teen years, career ambitions, geographical distance when the eldest moved over seas, and new relationships in everyone’s lives. Bonding doesn’t begin and end at the end of a nipple ~ flesh or otherwise. It takes a lifetime of love and committment to keep it alive. Thanks for making me think ~ regardless of who sponsors the site, lol!

A lot of this has to do with the age of the baby. Soon, Peony will start making googoo eyes at you, smiling with your nipple in her mouth, patting your cheekes, holding your fingers and playing with necklaces or shirt buttons. My son is now 9.5 months and he does acrobatics while we nurse changing positions and playing with my necklace, buttons, hair, fingers, all without missing a second nursing. He’s got so much personality.

Also, I’d recommend learning to nurse and do other things. If you use a sling or carrier, you can nurse while you do all sorts of things including playing with Petunia. I use my carrier while doing dishes, making lunches (without the stove/oven), going for walks, picking up, setting table, vacuuming, and many more things. I don’t have a second child but I’m sure he/she will spend tons of time in a carrier while I play with my son.

You’ll also get used to the time spent nursing. In addition, Peony will get better and better and nursing and spend less and less time eating. I love the 15-20 minutes I get just with my son. I can’t imagine stopping yet.

I find that breastfeeding forces me to stop and take a quiet moment with baby. That’s way more bonding time than I would get if someone else was bottle feeding him while I rushed around. Also, the eye contact and sweet milky smiles will come. I agree with the person who pointed out that you should consider the wasted time it takes to prepare/clean up bottles. Also ditto the person who said you have a hand free while BFing (when they’re tiny and you can hold them with one arm) so you could multi-task. I used to read a novel while he was eating – it was very relaxing. When they’re older/bigger, they nurse less often and for shorter periods, so it’s not such a time suck. Anyways, it’s a moot point. Even if babies *did* bond better by bottle feeding (which I don’t think is true), the multitude of health benefits for both baby and mother by BFing makes it so worth it! Keep it up.

Breastfeeding is a bonding experience in and of itself. You may be feeling a bit resentful about this constant use of your bodily resources but your baby loves being fed this way, and loves you because of it. When she focuses on your chest and falls asleep while feeding, this shows that the breast is a source of comfort to her. Baby was in your womb for 9 months and is only just learning the significance of faces and eye contact, the she’s bonded to your body and you as a whole and that’s the main thing. Don’t let your frustrations with being a milk-machine allow you to persuade yourself against doing what is the most natural, beautiful and selfless thing you can do for your baby. She loves love you for it more than you can ever know :)

You have a very young baby still, and it is normal to spend a lot of time nursing her.You have never breastfed a baby this age before , and you may be feeling overwhelmed because of being responsible for so much of her care, without the breaks you could count on when you were bottle feeding. If you could see into both your baby’s wide open eyes it is likely that she would be in a very awkward position to nurse, unless you are using a football hold. If she only nurses with her eyes shut, she may be needing to concentrate hard on what she’s doing, and a talk with an LC or a lay breastfeeding support person could reassure you that everything is just fine. Some babies can spend a lot of time at the breast but not be drinking much while they are there, so they take forever to eat. Others are gourmets, and just like to nurse a lot, even when breastfeeding is going very well. Your baby may just be sleeping more than your older child did at this age. What about when you’re changing her, bathing her, picking her up and looking into her eyes, and so on? Are you not feeling close to her then? Whenever she nurses, you both enjoy “closeness” hormones simultaneously, making her feel close to YOU. If you haven’t connected with a support group for breastfeeding moms, why not look one up? You may have both La Leche League and Breastfeeding USA to choose from. Getting together with some other breastfeeding moms may set your mind at rest about what is “normal” for a nursing relationship with a baby the age of yours. In another month or so, your baby may be so sociable that it will be hard to keep her attached to the breast without retiring to a quiet room, so enjoy the quiet physical closeness you share with her now. Look at ways to delegate household and family responsibilites that you were in charge of while Daddy was feeding your older child; find ways to get the rest you need, and make yourself feel good. Exhaustion and lowered mood can make you question yourself, when everything is going as well as it ever does in a family with a very young baby and a small child to care for.

i think the first few months may be spent sitting back and nuirsing but once they learn to be more efficent and drain the breast quicker you wind up having more time to play. my dd is 5mo and her and i are so bonded

Meredith, first of all, kudos to you for posting this when you obviously are getting a crapload of vitriol flung your way for it!

I think it is really depressing that a breastfeeding mom can’t express feelings of doubt or discomfort with the process of exclusive nursing. It isn’t sunshine and roses for anyone. Meredith never said she didn’t believe in the benefits to breastfeeding; obviously, if she pumped as long as she did for her first child, she believes it is beneficial. All she is saying is that she felt she had more opportunity to bond with her child in a way that works for her when she was bottle feeding. Why is that so hard to believe, or so difficult to hear? Why do people jump to the conclusion that this writer’s opinion must be sponsored by Similac? Un-freakin-believable. We are getting to the point where women need to censor their experiences and emotions, lest they get accused of “damaging” the cause of breastfeeding.

THIS mom feels like she can’t bond as well while breastfeeding. THIS mom enjoyed her bottle-feeding time. That’s not an attack on breastfeeding. It’s her truth. To be fair, the post did ask if one method was “better” than the other when it came to bonding, and I think that’s where it might have gone astray. Neither is better; it all depends on your individual situation. But what this writer did was no different than the 1001 blogs and studies about how breastfeeding leads to better bonding. I bet if you asked most formula feeders, they’d tell you they were pretty damn bonded to their kids. No one has a right to tell you how to love your child, or how you should forge the bonds of that love.

So, look: bottle feeding does not allow you to bond better, necessarily. Breastfeeding does not allow you to bond better, necessarily. You know what DOES help you bond? Being a happy, relaxed, confident mother. Why don’t we all try and help each other reach that goal, instead of worrying so much about how/why/what/where we are feeding our babies?

I think that what gets lost in the breast vs. bottle debate over bonding is that the vast, vast, vast majority of babies and parents have a perfectly healthy bond from a psychological perspective. And the ones who don’t, the ones with true attachment disorders, do not get that way just because of how they were fed. They are usually abuse or neglected by their caregivers.

How a mother *feels* about her relationship with her child can vary for a number of reasons. Like a previous commenter said, you’re in a different place now than you were with your first. Your daughters will have different personalities. You may always feel a little more connected to one than the other, or you may go through phases. Maybe you just enjoy the preschool stage more than infancy. I’ll admit that I’m just not that comfortable with newborns, but give me a running, screaming, giggling, cat tackling, mess making toddler, and I’m in heaven. Or maybe one of them will take up the same sport you played in high school or really like one of your hobbies and you’ll bond over that.

Now, if you develop signs of postpartum depression, get help. Because depression can actually affect attachment in the psychological sense. But as long as you are healthy and your daughters are healthy and you are providing them with the things they need (food, shelter, love, attention) you’ll bond just fine. And how you fed them as babies won’t be what racks up their therapy bills. That will come when they’re teenagers. :-)

@Amy — Re-read the title. It wasn’t a statement. It was a question, “Is it possible?” Big difference between a statement and a question, don’t you think?

interesting. you know quality is not always better than quantity. being with you ALOT is very good for babies. that is what is suppose to happen. i am not sure what exactly you want your 12 week old baby to do for you, what needs to happen is you need to be doing for her. and by feeding her when she is hungry, comforting her in your arms and being present with her ALOT during that day, is what she needs. and the house work… dude, let it go a bit, or get help for that. there is this underlying thought that everyone should feed the baby that is the only way to help, but how about make food, do the dishes, fold the laundry, clean the toilets.

I am not sure if any one posted this helpful hint but I pump a few feedings out and daddy bottle feeds, and if she is still eating at night I would have daddy do every other feeding that way you can sleep and don’t feel like a feeding machine.

I just found it peculiar that you said that you feel you bonded better with baby # 1… yet you said, ” I feel like Petunia got more of my attention because I was able to get stuff done while others gave her the bottle a few times a day”. How were you “bonding” with her when other people were feeding her? When they are infants, they are bonding mainly through their feeding times. They do get a chance to bond more with other people when bottle fed, yet the bonding between a Mom and her breastfed baby is untouchable.

Mom: You are not allowed to go to the unchaperoned party because it is unsafe and I am procecting you.

Teenager: I hate you!

Mom: No! you can’t hate me! We have a beautiful bond! I breastfed you!

I hate this breast feeding vs forumla debate so much. Why on earth do people feel it’s any of their business how people choose to feed their babies? If your babies go to bed healthy and happy every night, breast or bottle, that’s all that matters. People need to get other hobbies outside tearing others down. No good comes from it regardless of which side you are on.