Babys First Year Blog
The Post I’ve Avoided Posting – To Christen or Not?
Photo of Wolf by my friend Summer - he's such a ham for the camera!
I’ve had this post in my queue for quite some time now and just haven’t felt like publishing it. There’s one thing I learned when I was growing up and it was never to talk to your friends about politics or religion, especially if your views clashed. But can we put differences aside and just chat? My blog pal, Jamie {who’s got an adorable baby boy} brought up a similar topic the other day and I decided to dive in and ask your opinion on a the matter.
I’m talking religion here. Or my lack of it, I suppose. And how we’ve been faced with the question, many, many times, on whether or not we plan to have Wolf christened. We’ve chosen not to get Wolf christened and decided that we’ll leave that decision up to him. But I have a feeling I’ve left a few family members offended.
I was raised in a semi-religious household. I went to an Episcopal school for 9 years. Outside of school, I think I attended church once or twice. I was baptized early because it was sort of a process in life then. I wore my grandfather’s gown, as did my dad and his brother and sister when they were baptized. I’m not upset at all that my parents chose to baptize me, as it made no effect on how I was raised or how I view religion. But my upbringing does weigh in on my decision for Wolf.
It’s important for me that Wolf be able to make his own choices. From what I’ve been reading, the christening requires us to make a promise that we’ll raise him by the ways of the church, which I don’t necessarily believe in. It’s also a public statement that, as his parents, we commit that we will raise him in a home of kindness and goodness, that our virtues and beliefs in life are good and that we make the promise to raise Wolf in the best way possible. So, with that being said, why can’t we just promise ourselves that? Without involving the church? Perhaps in a private dedication to him?
At this point, we’ll wait and let him decide. To me, it doesn’t seem to be that much of a big deal to do it later if he chooses so, but then again, since I’m not religious I really don’t know. But I feel like my decision has left a few of my family members a little offended. Part of me says, it’s my child, I’ll make his decisions right now but the other part of me feels a little bad.
What do you think? Why did you make the decision to christen your baby or if you didn’t, how did you deal with offended family members?
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26 Comments
Kayla commented on Sep 21 11 at 3:54 pmIt should completely be your decision whether you christen or not. You and your partner are the ones that would be taking a vow and not any other family members. As a religious person, I have never taken offense when friends and family choose to not christen their children, even when they are regular church attenders. But, on the other hand, I do hold those vows to be very sacred and meaningful, just like my wedding vows and to enter into them without believing in them and with no plans to hold up the vow, that could be slightly offensive. It would be like getting married just to have a party. If you want to celebrate your beautiful son, do it! Throw him a wonderful birthday party when it comes time or just invite friends and family members over that don’t get to spend as much time with him to welcome him to the family. You don’t have to feel forced to do something you don’t believe in to honor your child. I would think it honoring him more to uphold your beliefs and values and promise to raise him accordingly, not by doing something you don’t believe in to appease great-aunt Hellen.
Melanie commented on Sep 21 11 at 3:55 pmI had this same problem. My family is not religious at all, but my husbnd’s is. I knew that I didn’t want my daughter christened. My husband agreed and we didn’t explain our decision to anyone. At Christmas, my husbands grandmother gave us the christening cup “she usually gives to all her great grandchildren when they are Christened, but [she] didn’t know when that would be”. I just smiled and thanked her.
Grace M. commented on Sep 21 11 at 4:10 pmChristening your son would be meaningless since you are not religious. Why hold to the outward expressions of a faith you do not have? Rituals are pointless without the faith to back them up (and I say this as a devout Christian).
Jenny P commented on Sep 21 11 at 4:21 pmI think you’re perfectly in your right (and normal) to let your son choose what he wants. In fact, it’s really a little strange that more people don’t do that and instead just decide FOR their children.
My husband and I are dealing with this issue right now. I was raised Catholic and my husband was raised Jewish. Neither one of us is attached to those religions so we are left with … we’re not sure. We both believe in God and would like to do something to welcome our son in our family’s presence but haven’t figured out what that is going to be. We worry that if we have any sort of celebration that isn’t for a religious purpose, people will see it as a gift grubbing event which we DON’T want.
I am currently looking into Unitarianism as it seems to be Judeo-Christian and pretty liberal (not hating gay people, treating men and women as equals, all that good stuff). In the mean time my family has said, “When are you going to decide?? What are you doing with that baby?? Why don’t you just have him Christened??” about 500 times. Ugh.
bob commented on Sep 21 11 at 4:51 pmI chose to made a promise to a church that I never intended to keep, and which I don’t. The alternative was to alienate family at the beginning of my child’s life. The fact that family members would have me take such an oath still puzzles me.
Michelle commented on Sep 21 11 at 5:08 pmWe are not particularly religious. My background does not maintain the necessity of infant baptism or christening. My husband’s does. So I put it in his court, knowing he would never, ever get to it.
Katie commented on Sep 21 11 at 9:30 pmI am a Christian and try very hard to follow Jesus in my daily life. However, choosing to be baptized as an adult was a very profound and good experience for me (my parents aren’t very religious and never baptized me). Being baptized when I made an active and real decision to follow Christ was so important to me and I want my kids to have that chance too. So we have chosen to have a celebration in our church for each of our kids to welcome them, etc., but we are not baptizing them so that they will have the opportunity to make that choice themselves when they are older.
Koreen commented on Sep 21 11 at 10:08 pmWe are Roman Catholic and we believe, that’s why we will baptise our son.
Raquel commented on Sep 21 11 at 10:31 pmI live in a very religious South American country and we chose not to baptize our son. Part of my family is not religious, like me, and couldn’t care less. But most of them, especially on my husband’s side, were initially bothered by it. People here are very superstitious and many believe that not baptizing will bring bad luck and make the child more succeptible to illnesses. They have given up trying to convince us by now, mostly because I was very honest with them and said I would not make a false promise to my loved ones and my child. When my son grows up he’ll make his own choices and his own promises. And we’ll stand by him whatever he chooses.
tara commented on Sep 21 11 at 10:43 pmOk so I was baptized into the Catholic church as a baby, which is like, the thing to do… But I joined the LDS church when I was 16 and so love our doctrine on baptizing infants… Basically it all boils down to 2 things: agency and original sin. One I (and other Mormons) believe in, and the other, we don’t. I do not at all, nor could I fathom, that if something were to happen to my precious baby, would God turn him away because he hadn’t been sprinkled with a little annointed water. There is no way a loving God would ever ever do that. 2, is that we don’t believe in forcing people to make covenants (which baptism is- a covenant to take on Christ’s name and support the gospel) beyond their desire or ability. An infant is not able to make a choice of whether they want this, whether they are ready and willing to live up to the standards expected of a Christian/member of the church, etc. So we believe in presenting the CHOICE of baptism to a child when he/she can be held accountability- in our church, it’s 8 years old. It is up to them, they are ‘interviewed’ to see if they understand the obligation and if they are ready, and then they do it if they want to. Instead we just give babies a name and a blessing when they are a couple months old. Maybe you could bring up some of those points to your family? That is what I did for my Catholic family to understand better… I wrote a blog post about it, if interested:
http://picturemywords.blogspot.com/2011/07/name-and-blessing.htmlanyways, it’s a very personal choice, good luck with yours!
Vanessa aka mamascribble commented on Sep 22 11 at 12:47 amMy husband and I are not religious but my MIL is. I have a wonderful and loving relationship with my MIL and I knew that deep in her loving heart, it would make her happy to know that her granddaughters be christened. I had all three of them christened because 1) I didn’t see the harm in well wishes and blessings to them and 2) I loved giving my MIL the joy of this day. It was a selfless (not religious) act on my part and I’m okay with that. Do what you feel and forget the rest.
Vanessa
http://www.mamascribble.com
Blaire commented on Sep 22 11 at 8:11 amWater baptism identifies a person as a disciple of Christ and celebrates the passage from an old life into a new life in Christ. Simply stated, it is an outward sign of an inward change. Babies are incapable of this. As soon as my children are older or even grown into adults are they able to make this decision on their own. I was ‘sprinkled’ as a baby but that does not represent new life. I wasn’t baptized until I was 23 through immersion. Baptism does not save us, it only announces to the world that we died in Christ and are made new in Him. Look to God and His word, the bible, for your decision rather than ‘opinions’.
http://www.cmalliance.org/about/beliefs/perspectives/baptism
Eileen commented on Sep 22 11 at 8:46 amYou are clearly Luke-warm at best when it comes to your religion- so don’t just go through the motions to please a few family members. Hopefully your son will choose to have a closer relationship with god in the future on his own, but during a christening you make certain promises and it is confirming a devotion that you’ve admitted you don’t have. Just let him decide that later.
Diana commented on Sep 22 11 at 10:47 amOur church baptizes infants, and while I am a strong Christian, my husband and I were not on board with everything that went behind that particular practice. We decided to have our own private dedication for our daughter where we expressed our personal desires to raise her to love God and to know Him. We held the dedication in my parents’ home with about 20 close friends, wrote our own words, honored our parents’ examples, sang songs we had chosen, and had a friend/pastor preside over it. It was one of the most beautiful and personal moments in our daughter’s life.
All this to say, a promise that your heart is into and you do not believe in is not as meaningful. You can have a dedication without a church ceremony and it can be very beautiful to hear parents express in their own way how they want to raise their child. Hopefully your family will appreciate what you do and the thought behind it.
Erin commented on Sep 22 11 at 12:05 pmThis is something we’ve come up against with our families and it’s been really hard. We are not religious and really don’t even believe in a higher power (but I hesitate to use the word atheist with our families at least, because it is so loaded). I also strongly believe in honesty and not being a hypocrite to ourselves, our families or our kids so I could not in good conscious baptize her even though I know it would make them feel better. I can definitely see the pros and cons of that decision and totally understand if some families make that choice, I just personally would not be ok promising to raise my child in a church I do not attend and have no intention of doing so.
TiffanyinSF commented on Sep 22 11 at 2:12 pmWe are in the same boat. At first I was willing to go through the motions of a baptism because I viewed it as a cultural practice. There was no harm in it, it would make mom happy, so why not? Then I was informed that we weren’t talking about a baptism, we were talking about a christening, wherein I am supposed to stand before god and everyone and promise to raise my child in the christian faith. THAT I cannot do. I would have played along with the other one but I can’t stand up there and blatantly lie. I don’t think a secular ceremony is going to appease anyone so we’re just opting out.
Elaine Petrowski commented on Sep 22 11 at 4:22 pmyou might want to have a “naming ceremony” for your baby. You could do this at home with a non-denominational celebrant or perhaps look for a local Unitarian Universalist congregation where you could do either a public or private naming with words of your choosing The naming ceremony is a way to honor his existence, acknowledge he has his own spiritual path to follow and to celebrate his very existence with your family and wider community.
good luck.
Lucie commented on Sep 25 11 at 7:51 amI’m a Christian, and my husband’s a Muslim. So I know already that if we have a baby, we won’t christen him. We talked about it, and our children will choose themselves which religion they are the closest to when they are older (or if they want to be atheists).
However, I have a friend who is in a mixed couple too. She’s Hindu and her husband is Christian. They had a small benediction ceremony for both their sons in a church, and a similar ceremony in Mauritia (where she’s from). A benediction (it is the word we use in French, I hope it makes sense in English as well) is basically a blessing, and doesn’t involve raising your kids according to the rules of the Church and all. I think I will consider this when I have children. All the family will be able to gather to celebrate the new-born, and I think it is important to have such rituals. It is important to me also to bless my children, as I am religious, BUT it won’t involve the future religion of my child.
Sarah commented on Sep 25 11 at 11:57 amIt makes no sense to do a christening if you and your husband do not believe in it. I think you made a good choice. I hope your family doesn’t give you a hard time about it. I’m a “believer”, and would never think to pressure someone into any “Christian” act that they did not believe in – the act has no meaning if you do not believe in what your or saying or intend to do what you are promising – I can’t understand why anyone would try to pressure you into it.
e. commented on Sep 26 11 at 10:19 amI’m ambivalent about the church I was raised in, but my family is extremely religious. I do believe in the power of rituals that bind a family/society together. Maybe it’s because I’ve spent my life going through the motions that it doesn’t bother me. I spent 8 years in parochial school, was confirmed in high school, and was married in the church. Although I have a lot of problems with the Catholic church, I still feel close to certain aspects of the faith. My atheist husband had no issues with the baptism, maybe because he understood the social significance of it for my family. If he had resisted, I’m not sure what I would have done. Then again, I married him knowing that he would be flexible about these matters.
Sarah commented on Sep 26 11 at 11:26 amThank you for this post. I have been struggling with this decision myself, we are expecting our first child together this spring, however my huband has a daughter from a previous relationship. She is christened, and I feel pressure to christen this new baby as well. But after reading these comments and your post, I feel so much better with my decision not to christen this baby. I just don’t feel right making promises that I know i will not keep. Thank You.
Kelly commented on Sep 26 11 at 1:06 pmThis post couldnt’ be timelier. I am deciding on this now. I personally am “Christian” however I have a big problem with the organized religion and the conservative, hypocritical “christians” or so they call themselves. I do not believe in mixing faith and politics like so many churches in my rural area do. So, I’m not sure what to do.
Danielle commented on Sep 27 11 at 9:54 amWe are choosing not to baptize/christen our baby girl. We are just not a religious family and I feel it’s hypocritical to pretend to be. I think that his family may have a hard time with it since they are Catholic but only go to church once a year!! my family may have an opinion about it as well. I feel it’s our daughter and we will decide what is best for her reguardless of what anyone else thinks. I don’s think that it will make any difference on what kind of parent you are. Either you are a good parent who teachers their child morals and brings them up in a good, honest, loving home or your not. I don’t think pouring a little “holy” water on your baby will make a difference.
Jennie E commented on Sep 27 11 at 4:37 pmThank you so much for this post. My husband and I have been discussing this and have decided not to baptize our daughter. I feel this is the right decision, but didn’t want my daughter to be seen as an “outcast” or different in our neighborhood because of our choice. It is so comforting to know other families are having the same discussion. My husband really struggled with the concept of baptism washing away original sin – “how could any wonderful, little miracle come out of the womb with sin?” he wondered. If the time comes that she would like to be baptized and participate in any form of organized religion, we will fully support her.
Agirlnamebobbie commented on Sep 27 11 at 6:46 pmMy husband and I are doing the same thing there is no right or wrong answer especially with religion big hugs the mere fact that you’re questioning yourself shows that you care more by doing right for your child rather than what others say you’re doing awesome mama hugs hang in there and if people have a problem with it remember no two parents are the same
sara commented on Sep 29 11 at 3:27 pmI have the (sort of, at least for us) solution: we did a “civil baptism”, not religious.
A friend of us did the ceremony (so, so meaningful) and basically welcomed our son in “our community” of friends, in the society, and the 3 Godfathers and the Godmother poured water in A.’s head from a vintage silver teapot (!!!).
It was outside, in a beautiful place in the middle of the trees. Then we organized a little party and we asked each one to write down a wish, an advice, something simple, funny or deep on pieces of fabric that we later hanged on a rope (inspired by the Tibetan wish flags).
It was just awesome. Sort of like a “welcome ceremony” mixed with something a little more meaningful about values and that we all committed to watch out for this little new person.
Please feel free to check out our photos of the event: http://inthecities.tumblr.com/post/8536340444/baptism-baptemeand here: http://inthecities.tumblr.com/post/8444440216/before-taste-avant-gout
I just update the wall with the wish rope now that they are all written but I am little lazy…
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