Every morning I check my email. I sometimes have reminders of things I’m supposed to do, things I want to do or things I need to do. I sometimes get emails FROM MY CAR telling me what needs to be done, inflate the front passenger tire, change the oil, rotate the tires, it’s very convenient. I also have an editorial calendar that I keep a close watch on to keep up with various writing assignments. My husband has a secretary that keeps track of his schedule and can tell me where he is at any given point in a day. The one thing I don’t have? A baby itinerary. A daily email to tell me when the baby is going to lose her mind, snuggle the daylights out of me, poop her pants or be at her absolute prime for a little picture taking session.

So I made one up.

Dear Mom,

Welcome to your day as my primary caregiver on August 23, 2011. Today I am going to be waking you with a series of leg thumps in my crib followed by some gentle baby cooing, go ahead, take your time getting to me, I’m going to be pretty happy this morning just to lay in my bed and exercise these vocal chords.

I’m going to need a bath today, the upper fold on my right leg? It’s going to need some attention. So is my left armpit, I dribbled a bit in it yesterday and I’m beginning to smell myself. Today I’m going to want to wear something loose fitting but with full coverage, I’m getting a little tired of people commenting on the thigh rolls.

My appetite today won’t be voracious today, but I am going to require your full attention at feedings. I have some serious gazing I need to be doing with you today. If you could have my milk at an exact 98.6 degrees that would be great. I’m planning on needing a pretty serious diaper change around 1:18 EST and I’m going to be napping at 10:27 EST for 43 minutes and 3:38 EST for 57 minutes. Please have the room at a comfortable 74 degrees with no noticeable breeze.

Just as a warning, I’m going to LOSE MY MIND at 5:57 EST, don’t worry, it’s nothing you did wrong. I just feel that I need to express myself and screaming at the top of my everloving lungs is the best way to do that. Really you can’t complain, I’m an awfully good baby.

I’m going to be going to bed at 7:18 EST without much of a fight, please put me in my elephant footie pajamas.

I look forward to another enchanting day of being your baby!

Best, Vivi

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