Babys First Year Blog
What to Do When Baby has Grumpy Grannies.
Family is horribly important to me. As it is for most people. But I have this problem, maybe you have the same one, feel free to pipe up if you do…
I have really, really, grumpy grandparents.
Specifically my grandma. She is of the generation that children are to be seen and not heard. While visiting she has made my daughter cry on multiple occasions by scolding her for doing perfectly normal kid things. I can still remember times when I was a kid where I went hungry because I refused to ask my grandma for a snack out of fear.
Yet it is still very important to me that my kids see my grandma. My daughters are their only two great grandchildren and given that my grandpa is well into his 90′s and my grandma is right behind him…if there’s an opportunity for them to see my kids (they live in California, I live in Indiana.) I’m going to take it.
Most of the time.
The last time my mom, Addie and I pulled away from my grandparents house my mom commented on what a noble effort I have made to have my grandparents get to know Addie (she is named after my grandma by the way.) She also said “I’m not so sure they appreciate the effort you’ve put in, I think you’ve done your duty.” But now I have Vivi, a new great granddaughter for my grandparents to meet, even though I’m not entirely sure they want to.
I have a trip to San Diego coming up in less than a month with my mom and sister that Vivi will be joining me on, we’re all torn on making the trip up to see my grandparents (about two hours away.) Yes, we want to see them. They won’t be around forever. But at the same time our efforts and sacrifices to make it up there won’t be appreciated and in fact may very well end in tears. My mom says we could find better ways to spend our time. And Vivi certainly won’t remember it.
But I will.
I have pictures of myself with my great grandparents, and while I don’t remember anything about them, I wonder if they mean a lot to my parents. If that moment of their babies meeting their grandparents was a memorable one. Vivi has two other great grandmothers still living, and they simply adore her. Which is how it should be, shouldn’t it?
If your grandparents are still with you, what is the your relationship like between them and your kids? Do you find it harder to make the effort to visit them if they are of the especially grumpy variety?
A Grandmother’s Lament: I used to be in charge, then my son had a baby
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22 Comments
[...] Grumpy grandparents. [...]
moosh in indy. » time flies when you’re babbling about your baby all the time. commented on Jul 24 11 at 9:02 pmNichole commented on Jul 14 11 at 9:25 amMy husband’s paternal grandparents are still very much alive and kickin’, and they live about 45 minutes from us. The kids loooove them, and they’re crazy about the kids, too. I feel mighty blessed to have them around. (My grandmas are still alive, too, but one lives really, really far away and the other is rarely cognizant.)
Ordinary Sarah commented on Jul 14 11 at 9:31 amI totally feel your pain on this one. We used to try to take the kids visit with my grandpa at least once a month, but he is just so dang grumpy. I know, I know, as people age they have a right to be grumpy (as well as fart whenever and wherever they please) but gee whiz, he makes visiting no fun.
I put an end to it when his behavior got more childish than my own children. We were out to lunch with him and my four year old, get this, was acting like a four year old. He was swing his feet under the table and, apparently, kicking my grandpa’s leg. Instead of asking him to stop or telling me what was going on, my grandpa turned to my aunt and, in the whiniest toddler voice ever, this 88 year old man said, “He’s kicking me!”
I feel bad because, like you said, he won’t be around forever. But I’ve tried! And tried! It just seem like it’s worth trying anymore.
nicole commented on Jul 14 11 at 9:40 amI’m blessed to have had very patient and understanding and doting grandparents for the most part. My dad’s mom was a little cranky, but not too much, and she could barely hear anything anyway. Our biggest challenge in visiting her when she was living was first that her house had only a window unit A/C in Waco, TX in the summer–not a good thing with small kids. Then she was in a nursing home and it is just hard to take several little kids there at one time. My husband and I only have one living grandparent between us now. She lives in CA too. She will freely admit that little babies are not her cup of tea, but she loves older babies and kids and is good with them. I mean, she doesn’t hesitate to tell them she needs a break or to quiet down, but she doesn’t scold or anything.
I’m sorry you are not getting those kinds of memories with your grandmother. I hope you can make a decision you are peaceful about.
Jen L. commented on Jul 14 11 at 9:41 amMy own grandma (on my mom’s side) has always been pretty grumpy. She and I didn’t have much of a relationship when I was growing up because she never really seemed to want one and I eventually stopped trying. HOWEVER. Once my son was born, it was like a new part of her opened up. (She’s still relatively young–only about 74!) She has been an amazing great-grandma. It’s a little bittersweet for me. I’m thrilled with the relationship she’s forming with my son, but a little sad she and I didn’t have that.
ohmommy commented on Jul 14 11 at 9:47 amI flew with my three young children across an ocean to Poland to meet my very grumpy grandparents. Two months later my grandfather died. I treasure the photo we have and I know my children will as well.
Grace M. commented on Jul 14 11 at 10:13 amI guess I was unrealistic hoping for anything with my grandparents. My grandmother favors boys, so my whole childhood she basically kissed the top of my head and went in to play with my boy cousins. Ironically, they both barely noticed when I brought my son to visit. Just held him for a few minutes, took the obligatory picture, and were done with it.
My mom said something similar to what yours said. “You did a great job trying to get them interested and showing them what a wonderful son you have. I don’t think you need to try again.”
One picture was enough.
m.j. commented on Jul 14 11 at 10:35 ammaybe you can go visit, get the obligatory picture taken, and be done with it for now. then you won’t have any regrets. you tried, and that’s the best you can do! i’m sorry you have a grumpy granny. that’s one thing that really bothers me as a mom–when people don’t love or treat my son the way i love him (okay, i realize that’s impossible because they’re not his mom and nobody will ever love him the way my husband and i do, but i hate it when people treat him poorly).
burghbaby commented on Jul 14 11 at 10:40 amI always assume that grumpy senior citizens are grumpy for a reason. Maybe being around kids reminds them just how quickly time has flown by for them. Maybe it reminds them that they missed out on a lot of opportunities to enjoy those early years because they were too caught up in something else. Maybe it reminds them that they are far closer to death than they are to living through the joy that is being a parent. Or, maybe they just have a wedgie and can’t do a damn thing about it because the arthritis in their hands makes it too hard to grab hold of those underwear and yank them out of their wrinkly crack.
Regardless, I do my best to give grumps the benefit of the doubt, and when they start to get on my nerves with the meanie-faced comments, I just imagine the miserable wedgie they must have.
Megan commented on Jul 14 11 at 11:48 amI was pretty lucky. My paternal grandmother was wonderful with my son. Unfortunately she died when he was about 2 and she never got to meet my daughter. My paternal grandfather died about a month before we found out we were expecting our son, but he was always wonderful with my much younger cousins(I’m 32 and cousins currently range in age from 14-21). My maternal grandfather was also wonderful with my son, but I knew he would be. He worked with kids all his life as a Boy Scout Leader, Girl Scout Leader and a member of the Better Fisherman’s Association who was certified to teach kids to fish. He had 4 girls, 7 granddaughters and only 1 grandson, who had no interest in Boy Scouts, and 2 older great-grandsons who had no interest in Boy Scouts. My grandfather had a stroke when my son was 5, but he got to see my son in his Cub Scout uniform a couple months before he died, and had the longest conversation with us about scouts that he’d had since his stroke. It was a great day for all of us. My maternal grandmother was already suffereing from alzheimers when my son was born, but she is my kids’ only living great-grandparent. She adores the kids, she just doesn’t remember whose kids they are for more than a few minutes. Miraculously my 8 year old son enjoys visiting her occasionally, and the nursing hoime she lives at has family events 2 or 3 times a year aimed at kids that we go to. If there are any nursing homes in your area that hold these types of events, I encourage all of you to bring your kids even if you don’t have a loved one at the home. Its great for the kids and the residents.
El commented on Jul 14 11 at 11:51 amWe don’t see my husbands mother . She isn’t nice, and isn’t fond of the children. We haven’t been back since our oldest was 10 months ( and have had 2 more since then). We may never see her, and although I am sad they don’t have another grandmother, I don’t feel like subjecting my kids to her nastiness. My job is to protect them.
Taz commented on Jul 14 11 at 3:09 pmhaha burghbabyi LOVE that comment! I have a very close relationship with my maternal grandparents, especially my grandmother. My grandfather has dementia and wasn’t really a warm and cuddly type to begin with. I am currently pregnant, and just like before I was, I talk to my grandparents at least once per week. I ask them for name suggestions, advice about being a new parent- I just think it does them good to talk like this even if I don’t follow any of the advice/name ideas! Maybe these other grandparents are grumpy because they have felt less and less involved in their families lives over the years? It’s never to late to build a relationship. I’ve always thought that old people are good for young people and young people are good for old people! And don’t forget we will all be old and in the way soon enough!
Jessica commented on Jul 15 11 at 1:15 amMy bilogical father’s parents are both still living (I was adopted by my dad, so I actually had 3 sets of g-parents at one time :)). They are the only ones still alive and I LOVE them! All of my cousins (who are considerably younger than me, the next oldest is about 23, I am 31) love them and stay with them whenever possible. My grandma has been known to have every bed in her house filled up with 2 or more grandkids some nights. They live about an hour away. I think I might need to go visit now! lol
I hope you figure out a solution to your visit that makes everyone happy. But you’re right. They won’t be around forever. My own great grandma was a bit grumpy and I regret not visiting more before she passed away a few years ago.
mestyderosa commented on Jul 15 11 at 4:24 amLooking for samples? I received the sample quickly. Thanks to “123 Samples” for the samples. I can’t wait to get another in the mail!
Liss commented on Jul 15 11 at 4:43 pmGo make a quick (1 hr or less visit) and get LOTS of pictures of Vivi with said greats and then skedaddle. You won’t have been there long enough to really get the grumps going and yet you’ll have done your duty and then some (and put your mind/heart to rest on that score). Good luck!
Krista commented on Jul 25 11 at 12:47 amI only had one grandma left when we got married and she just passed in January. She got more and more grumpy as the years wore on, but never to my son. So in some ways I wish I’d made more time to visit her as she wasn’t that far away.
My husband had all of his grandparents left until just this past year. Now only one of each pair is left. But I can tell you, we will spend days with Grandpa because he is warm and welcoming and only stop to see Grandma on our way for an hour or two. It’s amazing how much of a difference I see between them… one side lived for others, the other side lived only for themselves.
casey commented on Jul 25 11 at 12:37 pmnone of my grandparents ever gave a crap about me growing up. if i received a birthday card it usually sent a shockwave through me, lol. all that to say, am excited for my son (being born tomorrow!) to have my parents, who are very excited for his arrival. i’m definitely NOT going out of my way to bring my son around my two living grandparents. that said, my husband has a grandpa whom i absolutely adore so we will be making a 1,500 mile trek if for nothing more than a generational photo.
kat commented on Aug 01 11 at 11:51 amMy grandma is one of my 2 year old’s favorite people in the world. He says he wants to marry her :) They play together and hang out as much as possible. When we lived on opposite coasts that meant us coming out for 2 week visits, and her coming out to us for 2 weeks as well. Now that we are only a few hours away it’s much easier! My other grandparents are great too but they live several states away and can’t fly for health reasons so we see them less. My kids are blessed to have really caring great-grandparents!
Samantha commented on Aug 01 11 at 2:09 pmI have both sets of my grandparents still living, my husband has none. My 4 month old daughter has seen my maternal grands once (grumpy, obligatory pic taken) and my paternal grands around 10 times (condescending, disrespectful of my parenting, and controlling to my husband and me). Needless to say, I’ve cut the cord to the latter set who live in the same town as us. We are considering seeing the grumpy set again because they live farther away and there are other relatives that haven’t seen the baby yet.
Samantha commented on Aug 01 11 at 2:11 pmI have both sets of my grandparents still living, my husband has none. My 4 month old daughter has seen my maternal grands once (grumpy, obligatory pic taken) and my paternal grands around 10 times (condescending, disrespectful of my parenting, and controlling to my husband and me). We have decided to not see the latter set again, condescending trumps grumpy to us.
Suzanne commented on Aug 19 11 at 10:19 pmThat totally blows that your grandparent can’t enjoy your kids more!! How awful. I totally agree with Liss though. Go get the pic taken and have a short visit. Maybe google the town that you are going to. That way you can see if there is a fun waterpark or cool ice cream shop close by that you can take the kids to afterward as a treat. I have both my grandparents. My mother’s parents are 71 and 68. (I’m the oldest of the oldest) It’s so cool because they practically raised me, and they adore the snot out of my daughter. I am grateful for them every day.
Nay commented on Aug 28 11 at 9:14 pmI hope my kids never meet my dad’s parents. I’d rather my kids hear about them in stories (where I can leave out the fact that Grandpa lost his mind and likes to assault people, and Grandma is, and always has been, a vindictive, controlling, lying b***h and you shouldn’t do anything she says, because it’s likely to kill you.) The other five grandparents, it’d be a shame if they didn’t get to spend time together.
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