Babys First Year Blog
Did We Inadvertently Make Our Son A Mama’s Boy?
Arlo loves Mama.
It’s becoming blatantly obvious that Arlo is a mama’s boy. He pitches a fit for 9 out of 10 attempts by my husband to hold him. It’s particularly bad in the evenings – when he gets sleepy he wants me to comfort him and no one else.
It’s to the point that I can just speak near him when he is in Brent’s arms and he’ll quite down for a moment to hear me. Often, in an attempt to get things done without a baby in my arms, I’ll soothe him to sleep and then pass him off to Brent. Sometimes it works, but most of the time he’s immediately aware that the switch off has taken place.
It wasn’t at all like this with our daughter – she was just as happy to be in my husband’s arms as she was mine. Even though I was breastfeeding her constantly, she happily sought Brent for comfort and care from the first day of her life. I’ve been thinking about why things are so vastly different this time and I think it’s two fold:
1. Brent had a harder time bonding with Arlo when I was pregnant.Before our daughter was born, we both found ourselves consumed by the idea of having a child. He constantly sang to my belly, talked to her by name when we learned I was carrying a girl, and rubbed lotion on my ever growing bump. Arlo’s pregnancy was different in that respect – we were both so busy with life and raising a child that it felt like it crept up on us a bit. He still talked to my belly, but nowhere near as often. We talked about it several times and Brent felt as if he was so busy chasing around Everly that he didn’t have the same amount of time to dedicate to getting to know his son in the womb. I think this is a very common experience for second time parents, but I do feel it has had an impact on their connection since Arlo was not as familiar with Brent’s sound and voice when he was born
2. We’ve found ourselves each dedicated to a child.Brent takes the bulk of responsibility for Everly’s care and I do the same for Arlo’s. This wasn’t exactly intentionally, but just a natural progression since I am breastfeeding Arlo and Everly was already accustomed to spending so much time with her stay at home dad. I think it is really impacting the comfort level between Brent and Arlo because he is not associating him as a caregiver. Brent was able to give Everly one of her overnight feedings as a small infant so that I could sleep longer, but since he has to be up bright and early with our daughter these days, I take all of Arlo’s overnight feedings
(Note: And here is where in the middle of writing this, I pause to meet Brent in the hallway. He’s holding a crying Arlo who wouldn’t settle down after waking from a late evening nap. I put his small body against my belly and he stops crying immediately. Brent gives me a weary look and says “He loves his mama”.)
I know that it won’t always be this way. Arlo and Brent will have years and years to get to know one another and build their bond but I know how much my husband wants his small son to be comfortable with him now. He tries every day to hold him and comfort him and I can see the look of defeat on his face when he has to hand him back to me again as he screams. It pains me too. I want Brent to enjoy these early days of Arlo’s development up close and personal the way I have been able to.
We need to find a balance in our caregiving so that Brent can establish a relationship with our son. I don’t mind one bit having a mama’s boy… but daddy is wanting his boy too.
~Melissa
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15 Comments
Kate commented on Jul 06 11 at 12:27 amFor what it’s worth, my son who is now 5 months is exactly the same way and he’s our only child.
Jenna commented on Jul 06 11 at 2:15 amI’m sorry. My daughter is a little over a year and a month or so ago decided nobody in this world is ok except me. No matter how I explain to my husband that’s it’s a phase (she previously had a six month stint of “I only love daddy” so we both know it’s nothing personal) I can tell he’s hurt by it. Sigh… we’ll all get through it… you’re not the only one there though.
lo commented on Jul 06 11 at 8:04 amWell I guess the expression is not for nothing. It is the same here. I have a 10 week old boy and he is very much a mama’s boy. I have to get back to work in 8 weeks and my husband (stay at home dad) noted that he hasn’t put him to sleep yet. I mean he sleeps only when I put him to sleep so far. My girl was not this selective, she was happy with either one of us. I am enjoying it though this closeness to my new baby,smelling him, hearing his coos and responding back, kissing him lots before getting back to work. Hubs will enjoy him later :-).
Pantrygirl commented on Jul 06 11 at 9:35 amI’m currently pregnant and wonder if this will happen with #2 too. Although with #1, it was a good solid year of mama over daddy.
But we are right there with you. We are so busy with our daughter the in utero conversations and bonding time is much less.
It will be fine. Arlo associates with you more as you are nursing. He’s comforted and soon he will also be comforted with daddy. Hugs and keep us posted.
Jenna commented on Jul 06 11 at 10:23 amUgh. My seven month old was like this for a long time, too. Only mama, all the time!! But I will tell you that in the past couple of months it has gotten A LOT better and I now know I can leave the house and my son will be just fine with his daddy and won’t spend the entire time crying for me. :) Hopefully you will have the same experience!
Michelle commented on Jul 06 11 at 1:07 pmSame with my 12 week old. I nurse and stay home with him, and he just wanted me. We recently changed bedtime – dad bathes, I nurse, then hand him back off for stories, rocking, etc. That way he can bond with dad while still getting his boob fix.
Rosstwinmom commented on Jul 06 11 at 3:57 pmI have a friend whose daughter would only let her daddy hold her. This is their second child. The first was not picky. My friend actually loved it because she could just hand the girl off and get some rest.
;-)
Marie commented on Jul 06 11 at 4:36 pmHeh. My spouse was complaining last night about how our 3 year old only wants him and never asks for me (or sometimes tells me to go away, she wants DADDY). Her first year of life, she was all momma, all the time. I imagine that Arlo will cycle through his favorite parent as time goes by.
REGINA commented on Jul 06 11 at 5:56 pmSame here. We did compensate by snuggling together on the couch while I was calming down our son. This gave my husband a chance to get close and rub his back, legs and feet. I really did make a huge difference. Our 3 year old is a daddy leach when he is home, and doesn’t want him to have anything to do with the baby.
audrey commented on Jul 06 11 at 10:17 pmMy little boy (also Arlo! Name buddies!!) Turned the corner between 3 and 4 months and became very smitten with his papa, but before then, despite all efforts was very much a mama’s boy as well. That said, one thing he didn’t pull favorites on was being put in a wrap and going for a walk (or better yet, vacuuming). And that’s how he and his papa would get their bonding and snuggle time in those early days.
Side note: his first word was papa and he barely ever says mama!
ashley commented on Jul 08 11 at 12:24 pmIt’s the same with my seven month old son. I feel you. It was just as frustrating for me… taking a shower or getting any time to myself involved a crying baby and a defeated husband. I hated when my husband would complain about it… for one it’s a mother’s instinct to defend her young… and it also felt like my “big” boy was crying about the “little” boy, putting me in the role of an adult peacemaker that I did not want to be… hell, I needed to be cared for too! On the other hand, I think I discredited how hard it was for my husband… though it did seem to get easier for him to hand over the crying baby while he got to go do other things I longed to do: shower, computer time, run errands… I know I had some resentment after a while because the look of defeat seemed to be replaced somewhere along the line with a more complacent “he wants mommy” look. This meant that in addition to my hours spent breast-feeding, I also spent hours holding, cuddling, and playing with our son while my husband got free time… free time I would have used to do dishes or laundry or a gazillion other things that weren’t getting done. Anyway, point being… and not saying this is how you feel, just speaking from personal experience… it’s easy for resentment to build and it’s difficult to be a mother. There ought to be an asterisk to that statement because I LOVE my son and I LOVE my husband. All that goes without saying. In any case, as you can see I am writing in passed tense, so somewhere along the line it either got better… My son is more easily entertained now that he’s older, so daddy’s goofy faces and voices and crazy antics grab his attention. And breastfeeding doesn’t take an hour like it used to in those early days. In time, Arlo will learn that he has two caregivers. He’ll always favor you- you’re his lifeline… but in a few months, he’ll recognize his daddy and any sort of defeat will quickly be replaced with immense pride and over-the-moon joy. There’s so much adjusting in the beginning… Best of luck to guys!
K commented on Jul 08 11 at 4:25 pmI understand… My sweet girl is the same way, but I will say this- will my DS, whose now 4, was tiny, he wanted mama, but once he turned 3, I’m not nearly as cool as daddy. I saw an article somewhere that said children identify w their same sex parent at about 36 mos, it was exactly at that time my son changed overnight to daddy, daddy, daddy!
victoria commented on Jul 10 11 at 11:58 amI truly enjoy reading your posts. thank you.
Nancy commented on Jul 23 11 at 10:51 pmI don’t think it is just a boy thing. I think it is a second child thing because my youngest daughter is also very attached and clingy, probably because of the reason you mentioned in your post– we spent more time together because my husband was busy with our oldest, and I was breastfeeding the baby.
Olivia commented on Aug 01 11 at 9:40 pmWe have experience the exact same phenomenon with baby #2. Brees is a mama’s girl through and through, making my hubby a little sad sometimes. He says, “I swear she can smell you coming!”. To encourage you, I will tell you that she is 8 months old now and really becoming more comfortable with others. She and her daddy are forming a very tight bond and she doesn’t try to leap out of his arms and into mine anymore. It’s just natural, I guess, when one person is always breast feeding and the either is trying to keep the other child entertained. We’ll all find our niche soon, though:)
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