Babys First Year Blog
Eff You, Sleep Training!
Sleep training update? I thought you’d never ask!
By night three Huck was crying in his crib for twenty minutes before falling asleep, down from the initial forty-five-minutes-to-an-hour. When I’d go in to soothe him from time to time, I’d notice he was all sweaty, and it broke my heart. But, it was an improvement, the crying was getting shorter, and I had a lot of support from friends and family.
Only something strange started happening. The quality of his sleep actually started declining, and he’d wake up four to five times a night absolutely inconsolable.
I consulted dear Doctor Weissbluth.
“But Doctor Weissbluth!” I said to my copy of his book, “This isn’t supposed to be happening this way!!!”
Because–right? You train your baby to fall asleep on his own and he sleeps for, like, thirty hours straight without a peep? That’s what they tell you, isn’t it?
And then, I started to realize that we weren’t getting to that point where he’d go down without a fuss at all. Nearly a week and a half in and we were still listening to him cry in frustration for twenty minutes each night. So when the two of us went to Portland I decided we’d had enough. I nursed and rocked that poor sweetie to sleep every night, and even let him sleep in his car seat (!), and you know what happened?
Down at seven, up at four to eat, back down till eight, followed by a two-hour nap at nine. I was like–what is this, sleep?
So I said to Doctor Weissbluth, I said “Eff you, Doctor Weissbluth!” And it felt real good.
But lest you think I think I’m some kind genius, or like I think I’ve figured anything out (I’ve figured nothing out), these days my baby is waking up an hour after I nurse him down for the night and wanting to party with us for another hour and a half or so before getting tired enough to let us put him to sleep again (still only waking up to eat once at 4AM). So, take that and cuddle with it!
The nature of the beast is, babies aren’t reliable. I mean, that’s why we don’t let babies have jobs or drive cars or run for President. They’re babies! One minute they’re perfect angelic creatures from Heaven and the next minute they’re screaming banshees from Hell come to destroy all that is pure and holy in this world. You can’t sleep train a demonic banshee, have you tried it?
So, maybe we’ll try again in a month or so, when Huck is a little older. Or, maybe I will continue to twitch and break out in hives at the mere mention of “Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child.” (ACK ACK ACK).
What would really be more helpful, I think? Maybe someday I’ll finally remember to remind myself that we’re much much happier, the two of us, when I stop fretting over what he “should” be doing, and remember that I’m his mom, he’s my dude, and together we can make this work however we’d like it to work.
There, I can feel my shoulders relaxing as we speak.
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25 Comments
Alicia commented on Apr 08 11 at 12:39 amI’ve been putting off sleep training for a couple of weeks now, just waiting for my 5 month old to start sleeping through the night again (major sleep regression over the last 5 weeks!). I was determined to start sleep training tomorrow, but now all of a sudden she’s sleeping through the night again. It’s like she knew what was coming and is trying to avoid it. I think babies are smarter (or more devious, perhaps) than we think!
Lori Weaver commented on Apr 08 11 at 12:45 amGood for you!!!! I think it’s cruel to let them scream till they are gasping for air, turn beet red, vomit and are drenched in sweat. It will happen when it happens. I rocked both my kids to sleep and they aren’t serial killers yet. Aiden was 6 months when he did it on his own & Kaitlin was 9 months. You can only rock your babies for so long until they want nothing to do with you, so enjoy it while you can.
Kayla Contreras commented on Apr 08 11 at 12:46 amMy daughter didnt sleep through the night until around a year. But if I snuggled her, she slept like a champ. So I enjoyed that year of snuggling the heck out of her as best as I could.
gwyn commented on Apr 08 11 at 1:09 amI love your conclusion: probably my biggest complaint about sleep training is that it follows a formula, meaning leaving nothing to the parents intuition, temperament and how it interacts with their baby. Hooray for finding something that works for you for right now.
Alli commented on Apr 08 11 at 1:09 amMy babe didn’t accept sleep training until 8mos. Her biggest help was doing: eat, play, sleep. Once eating was separate from sleeping, it was a lot easier. I stopped her night feeds too, but would just sit and hold her til she fell asleep. I still rocked her to sleep from when she was 6mos til she was 8mos, but the fact that she didn’t need to nurse to fall asleep was a GINORMOUS step. Once you’ve done that, they’ll cry it out lots better.
Rosstwinmom commented on Apr 08 11 at 1:35 amWhatever it takes to get the most people in your house the most sleep. I’m glad you feel better. Mommies do know how to take care of their babies. No book can tell you how YOUR house should be. Keep trusting your Mommy greatness!
Emily commented on Apr 08 11 at 1:44 amYou know that annoying game at baby showers? The one where the mom-to-be opens the gift and the giver has to also give a piece of advice? Mine is this: Don’t take advice. Listen to every scrap of advice you can possibly stand and then do what feels right for you and your baby. Trust your instincts. It’s weird because you think “I’m a new mom, I don’t have any instinct!” But then you do, and you know better than anyone. I say try again later, or don’t try again, whatever you feel like. Because at some point, he will grow up, and this frustration will be like a Peter Pan fart in the wind. A small memory. Good luck and tally-ho!
traci whitney commented on Apr 08 11 at 7:15 amI couldn’t do it with my daughter, it just never worked for her. But, I seemed to make it work with my twin boys, which was more out of necessity. So, really, I think with my daughter it just never worked for me! It gets better, she’s 8 now, she sleeps. The boys are 6 – not so much.
Just kidding (sort of) : )
But it does get better, I promise!
jodi commented on Apr 08 11 at 10:56 amMy boy is almost 6-months and sometimes he sleeps from 9:30-6:00, and sometimes he’s up at 1:30am and 4:00am… I gave up being mad and angry because I know this will not last forever, so I do what I can to make him comfortable… Luckily, he usually goes back to sleep after I pop his pacifier back in but sometimes, that doesn’t work… I’ve read “The No Cry Solution” and did pick-up on a few things (like putting them to bed a bit earlier each night), but cannot let my baby cry for more than 5 minutes… He went from going to bed around 10:30-11:00, to going down w/out a fight around 9:00… :)
Robyn commented on Apr 08 11 at 11:15 amI’m all for the emphasis on routine and soothing them into a mood that is conducive to sleep and trying to lay them down awake. These things really work. For all six of our kids, anyway. A little fussing is one thing, but letting them cry it out when they are obviously distressed bothers me. I don’t think learning to sleep should be a power struggle or the poor little one giving up after feeling abandoned. It can be done gently if we are consistent. Besides, we only have a year or so to cuddle and nurse in the middle of the night and to hold them and rock them to sleep. I wouldn’t give that up for anything. We have them for eternity, but they are only babies once.
Victoria commented on Apr 08 11 at 4:41 pmNot a mom, but my mom always said that at that age, it isn’t as though you can spoil them, so feel free to do what you need to do to for the sake of everyone’s sleep and sanity. If that means sleep training, go for it. If it’s rocking and nursing them to sleep, why not? Eventually, they sleep on their own, so until then, do what you need to do.
Bernice commented on Apr 08 11 at 5:30 pmTake that and cuddle with it…love that line!!
Our baby is almost five months old and was going to sleep close to midnight. Now it is between 9:30pm and 11pm and sleeping through until 7 or 8am. I don’t feel the need to sleep train all the while she is sleeping through the night.
Congrats for giving it a go but bigger congrats for just listening to your instincts and your baby :) all will be well!
Jennifer commented on Apr 08 11 at 7:00 pmJust the thought or mention of sleep training makes me feel tense. I tried it with my first set of twins when I found I was pregnant with a second set. I felt it was important to our survival. I regret it to this day. I really stuck with it. I wish I had never even heard of this supposed technique. It is cruel. It never worked. I have had perfect success with co-sleeping. When they are old enough to sleep alone comfortably, I move them. With my oldest, it was around four. With my second set of twins, it was at almost a year (they were both great sleepers). My first set of twins still have trouble settling down for the night. They are now seven. I have a five month old who sleeps peacefully through the night. Sometimes she falls asleep nursing, but she falls asleep on her own with a little bit of light fussing whenever she is tired. She sleeps in my bed. It is convenient for nursing and common sense tells you what is safe and and what is unsafe. I don’t fall asleep near her. I set her perpendicular to me so that her feet are over a foot from my belly. I just shift my position for nursing. Making sure they feel safe, secure and comforted does so much for them. I believe it affects them long term.
Tay commented on Apr 08 11 at 8:32 pmHey, whatever works. That’s my sleep training method. :)
Brianna commented on Apr 08 11 at 9:47 pmYou are right! If I had it to do over again, I certainly wouldn’t worry about what he SHOULD be doing and what every other expert tries to tell me. What works for you is what matters. If you do decide to try the sleep “training” thing, or have trouble with sleep habits, I loved “The No Cry Sleep Solution.” Great book. Can’t remember the author. Good Luck! And, by the way, Noah used to do the same thing, waking up wanting to party. He’d end up falling asleep again watching tv in my lap. Whoops, babies aren’t supposed to watch tv? Oh, well. Worked for me. :-)
Beth commented on Apr 08 11 at 10:11 pmSleep training…..grrrrrrr. We are using The Baby Whisperer method but with our own twist. We use the shush/pat to help Avery fall asleep in her crib and not our arms, but she’s not really soothing herself it’s just a different way of helping her to sleep. We have noticed though that she sleeps longer….and on the nights it doesn’t work? We rock her to sleep and have a little cuddle. What keeps you sane is what is right I say!!
Cyndi commented on Apr 08 11 at 11:47 pmMy “boys” are 22 and 19 and they were so different with sleeping and so was our family circumstances. My 22 year old was always a great sleeper. I used to vacuum under his crib when he napped. When he was 9 months old, he was still waking up once at night. I let him cry for about 10 minutes and over a week, he started sleeping through the night. My husband was in basic training at that time so it was just the two of us. My 19 year old has never been a good sleeper. I tried to let him cry a few minutes when he would wake up, but my husband was home and we would end up fighting. My husband also did a lot of driving and I worried he would fall asleep, so I got up with the baby. For our family, at that time, it was easier on all of us if we got up with him, soothed him, or sometimes fed him. He was 3 yrs old before he slept through the night. I didn’t want to be up each night, but it was the best thing for our family.
Miscellaneous From Missy commented on Apr 09 11 at 2:10 amOh, Natalie, THIS is why I’m a *mom* (not a mama). I did sleep training with my first baby – it worked perfectly. She slept perfectly. I KNEW EVERYTHING.
I did sleep training with my second baby – it never worked. I cried and cried and cried. Oh, I mean SHE cried and cried and cried. (Okay, we both did, and I think Jeremy did, too.) It was the most awful three months I have ever endured. And then a friend told me to turn on a little radio in Mercy’s room, so she could wouldn’t feel alone when she woke in the middle of the night, and she told me about one of her kids who slept in a car seat. So I buckled Mercy into the car seat and put the car seat into her crib, and the child slept and slept and slept.
(I also tried the radio for a few nights, but realized it wasn’t the solution.)
I felt so bad for her in that car seat, thinking she couldn’t move, thinking she was getting cramped during the night, but I kept putting her in it because SLEEP, you know? After a week or so, when I started feeling like a real person again, because SLEEP, you know? I tried her in the bed, and she cried and cried and cried and woke several times in the night just like before. So back to the car seat.
I don’t remember for sure, but I think she slept in that thing until she was six or seven months old. I’m still waiting for signs that I’ve damaged her spine (she’s two and a half now), but she seems perfectly well!
And SLEEP, you know? It’s worth it.
LIz commented on Apr 09 11 at 2:25 amDoing the same thing right now. I swear everyone who reads Weissbluth’s book thinks his method is something different. My sister-in-law said “I liked it because I don’t believe in crying it out” and I was like “Wha? Isn’t that what his method is?” I will say though, I like learning all the theories, trying them all out, and figuring out what works best for me. While I think Weissbluth is smart, I’m not going to pull my stroller over when he falls asleep and let him have a nap so he doesn’t get used to vibrations while he sleeps. Puh-lease.
eldene holbrook commented on Apr 10 11 at 12:22 amAbsolutely love your description of baby being baby. SOOOO true. Just keep loving the bajeebers out of your tiny boy. With you as mom,. he will HAVE to be WONDERFUL! xoxoxoxo
Andrea commented on Apr 11 11 at 12:01 amThe same thing happened to me. It must be an age thing, because when I did with with my first two at 8 months, they were good to go after 3 days.
It seems that real sleep training boils down to just paying attention to what your baby’s tired signals are and allowing them to sleep (ie. not carting them around all over creation) when they are tired. I find that when I do this, my baby girl does pretty well. Every night is still different, but we’re headed in the right direction. And yes…I nurse her to sleep every time I put her down….sometimes she cries for a few minutes when i put her down, but overall, she does just fine.
It will come. Just be consistent with whatever you do. Little Huck has to learn how to go to sleep on his own eventually. In the mean time, just enjoy his baby-ness. It will go away much too soon.
Kara commented on Apr 13 11 at 6:10 amSo, I’m one of the commenters who adamantly insisted that you read Dr. Weisbluth. . .which might make me unpopular about now. But I’m confused! I’ll be the first to say that it’s been five years since I read the book (read it after my oldest was born, but felt like I remembered it enough to use the principles when my second was born two years ago), so I may not be remembering right. . .but I think maybe you missed something! Doesn’t Dr. W say in the book that you SHOULD NOT let a baby cry it out until they’re at least EIGHT months old??? I swear I remember that. I seem to remember him saying that until they’re eight months old they’re just not mature enough physiologically to actually learn anything from the crying it out process. I remember this because I read the book when my baby was four months old, and I did not even attempt to let her cry it out until she was very close to nine months old. And then guess what? We WERE one of those stories where she cried the first night, then not the next night, and we lived happily ever after. Okay, that’s a simplification, but basically true! She was a week or so away from nine months old. I nursed her and then steeled myself to put her down in her crib while she was still awake, because it was taking longer and longer to actually get her to go to sleep at night and I was exhausted with it. So I put her down, walked out of the room, and looked at the clock. Then cuddled up with husband to try to force myself to not go in there and pick her up. She cried for 8 minutes (I’ll never forget that number). Then. . .silence. I kept wondering if she was just pausing, if she’d start to sob again any minute. But nope. Guess what? She slept for 12 hours without waking, and she had never slept for more than 4 hours at a stretch before that. I know it sounds like Dr. Weisbluth propaganda, but I swear on my Relief Society manual that it’s true! The second night, she cried for exactly 4 minutes, then repeat performance of the 12 hours of sleep without waking. Third night and from then on out, she would cry for literally less than a minute when I’d walk out of the room. 30 to 45 seconds of low-key crying. Then out. 12 hours of peace. The end.
But my point is, that didn’t happen until 9 months old! And I’m 99% sure Dr. W says they’re not mature enough to even expect that until they’re around that old! So I’m really thinking that maybe you’re just trying it too early with Huck! Believe me, two kids in I know how much it sucks to have to go through an intricate circus act to get them to just get a little sleep. I know it’s exhausting. I know you just want to try anything that any friend or book has told you. But try to remember that the exhausting period (as much as you love the baby days otherwise) is only a brief few more months! If I were your friend, I would be asking you to promise me this: forget about the sleep training for now! I know you need to get some sleep, but he’s just too little still! Keep just going with the flow of what he needs for right now, and then COME BACK to the sleep training in a few months. Just a few more months! Given my experience and several moms who recommended Dr. W to me, I would be willing to bet you large sums of money that if you forget about it for now but come back to it when he’s between 8 and 9 months old, you’ll see a huge difference! I think if you do that you’ll realize how very much more mature an 8 month old brain is compared to a 5 month old brain. Tell Dr. W to suck it for now, but maybe find it in your heart to come back and reconcile with him in 3 months, and see if he can do anything for you at that point! I honestly believe it will.
Liz commented on May 09 11 at 3:08 pmI personally hate Weissbluth, and threw his book behind the bookshelf so that I would never be tempted to look at it again, along with What to Expect the First Year. I should just throw them away.
Noelle commented on Jun 23 11 at 1:43 amThank you for saying this! My baby has been the same way and I am so tired of everyone telling me what I should do with my baby and that crying it out works. Not the same thing works for every baby and Crying it Out does NOT work for mine. Instead we’ve been using the No Cry method by Elizabeth Pentley and it has been working so much better! I congratulate you for standing up to everyone and doing what you know is best for your baby!
Noelle commented on Jun 23 11 at 3:11 amalso to address Kara’s comment to wait 3 months because at 8 months it works better…my baby is 14 months, it doesn’t work any better. I’m sure it works for some babies, but I wish people could accept the fact that it is NOT going to work for ALL babies! All babies are different, you have to find what works best for your baby
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