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Surprisingly, I was afraid of the one who wasn't a former gang member

Shorty Rossi, the host of Animal Planet’s Pit Boss, is a hero to little people (he runs a talent agency for dwarf actors) and pit bulls (he has a huge rescue charity). He also scares the crap out of me.

Shorty tried to get me over my fear of dogs because I was afraid I would pass that weakness on to my son. Or, more accurately, because I was afraid my son would make fun of me whenever we hear a dog barking behind a fence and I go running and screaming and wildly waving my hands in front of my face.

Hanging out with Shorty and Hercules, his star pit bull, was one of the many hilarious and touching manventures I went on for my first book, Man Made: A Stupid Quest for Masculinity, which you can conveniently buy here. You can buy a second copy for your dad at the same place.

I’m less afraid of dogs thanks to Shorty’s immersion program, which included me placing a treat into the mouth of Hercules, a dog that not only once ate through a door, but when that door was replaced by a much thicker door, simply chewed a hole through the dry wall next to the super-thick door and walked through that.

As a 4-foot-tall, white, former member of the Bloods gang who did ten years in prison, Shorty surely had more to teach me about being a dad. So, even though he doesn’t have kids, I asked him for some advice on fatherhood.

Q: Do I really have to get my son a dog? And if so, do I have to let the dog in the house? I’m pretty sure animals shouldn’t be inside the house.

A: Yes you do. Animals should be in the house. Would you put your son outside?

Q: At what age do I need to get this dog?

A: At any age. As long as you adopt and not buy a dog. The rescue shelter will be able to place a dog that suits your house needs.

Q: Is it okay if it’s a tiny dog that can fit inside a purse? That’s what my wife wants.

A: Okay, Paris Hilton. Think about it: If your son is five-years old, would you carry him in a case? It needs to walk, unless it has a medical condition.

Q: Is a hamster just as good of a pet for a kid?

A: Your kid wants a dog, not a rodent.

Q: What are pit bull dads like?

A: They come in all shapes, sizes and colors.  Some are thugs who should not own a dog and some are CEO of companies and some are stars of TV shows.

Q: No, I mean the actual dogs. Are they good dads? I had no idea dog owners called themselves “dad.” I am definitely not ready to join the dog-owning community that you’re so much a part of. You’re four feet tall and one of the toughest guys I’ve ever met. My son is one of the tallest kids in his class and just stands there and lets kids take his toys. How do I fix that?

A: Leave him with me for a week and that will be fixed.

Q: How do I keep my son out of jail?

A: Just like keeping your dog out of trouble. Spend way too much time with your kid, even if he is annoyed with it.  He will thank you later.

Q: How do I keep my son out of a gang?

A: You can take every precaution, but there are no guarantees. Get him an iPhone so you can secretly track his butt.

Q: How do I keep my son off of reality television?

A: There are some good reality shows.  Keep in mind with cable or dish, you can block him off certain networks.

Q: No, not from watching reality TV. I mean from starring on a show. Well, what’s something you’re going to make sure your son does?

A: I don’t plan on breeding.

Q: I love that you call it breeding.

Order my book, Man Made: A Stupid Quest for Masculinity, (out May 15) on Amazon.

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Read more from me at More Stories About Some Kid:
Pour Water on My Penis
5 Answers to When Your Kid Asks Why

Hello! Word is there’s been lots of mommy/ daddy warcrap over the past few weeks. How’s that coming along? Is is safe to come out yet?

The latest wave of weirdness is this new thing where parents have to tell you if they love their children more than their spouses, or vice versa. Because calibrating your love barometer is an important source of life data. Because you can apply a regression model to determine that love as a function of x, and then:

• extrapolate that love to predict ordinate love levels throughout the life of the abscissa;
• use the first derivative to determine the instantaneous rate of change of that love at any moment;
• use the second derivative to determine if your love has reached an inflection point (and it’s time to see a couples therapist); and
• integrate that love function to calculate the aggregate amount of love you have received.

If all this feels like complete nonsense, your table is waiting here in the Restaurant of Every Parent in the World.

Read more »

Booze. Parties. Sex.

When you string those powerful words together, it sounds like the dastardly headline of yet another Hollywood tragedy. I’m guessing you wouldn’t conjure up any of those words while thinking of everyday moms and dads who work ceaselessly to be good moms and dads. I know I didn’t used to.

But what if booze, parties, and sex actually help a lot of parents be better parents? Is that possible? I know many parents who would adamantly tell you, YES. It’s not only possible, it’s very much a reality.

But before you string me up by my ankles for defacing the sanctity of parenthood, read the following paragraphs and let’s have an interesting discussion about it.

1) Tanya, a single mother of two, really enjoys any chance she can find for booze, parties, and sex.

And…

2) Tanya, a single mother of two amazing girls, works two jobs to make ends meet. Finding time for herself can be challenging with how much she gives her little ones, and there is no doubt that the stresses of life can often be overwhelming. Her social life is usually the last thing she worries about, and her friends are lucky to break her away for a night of fun. Her boyfriend often feels neglected in their relationship, but is generally understanding that her schedule simply doesn’t allow much time for him. Sometimes, after the kids are in bed, the two of them forget about everything else, finish off a bottle of wine, and savor some much needed intimacy. On other even more rare occasions, she is able to find a babysitter and go out for a night on the town with her girlfriends. They go dancing, karaoking, and usually get drinks together. This, of course, leads to all sorts of silliness and fun. When the night is over (whether it’s with her boyfriend or her friends) and it’s back to real life again, she always feels so rejuvenated and ready to take on the world. She’s more patient and pleasant with her kids and somehow the strains of life give her a temporary reprieve. I really need to find time for that more often, she always thinks.

These are obviously two very different paragraphs, yet essentially they both say the same thing, don’t they? Tanya (a fictional mother) drinks, has fun, and seeks out intimacy. The difference is, when the only thing we read is paragraph #1, we tend to think something very differently about Tanya than we would if the only thing we read is paragraph #2.

As outsiders, we tend to watch other parents, and we scrutinize their every action. We judge parents like Tanya based on the limited information that we get from externally observing her and her activities. We hold her against our own beliefs of what is right and wrong and we blatantly decide whether she is a fit parent or not. We see her out and about, being careless, having fun, going a little crazy with her friends, and we think what kind of mom is she? Read more »

Recently a fellow Babble blogger raised quite a stir by writing about things he feels moms generally do better than dads. While I appreciate that Cody wanted to give his wife credit for the stuff she does well, his list just didn’t apply to our family.

In fact, his post inspired me to come up with a list of my own of the things my husband and a lot of other dads I know are great at: Read more »

On SDL’s Facebook Page, I posted a simple question. “What is something you’ve found yourself saying to a child that you never thought you would?” The answers that came in have had me rolling on the floor ever since. Here are a few of them for your uninhibited laughing pleasure. Also, be sure to read the previous installments of You Said WHAT to your kid?

• When we draw a picture of someone, it is not necessary to draw their peepees as well.
• Boys! Take the frogs out of your mouths, put your swim trunks back on, and come inside for dinner!
• Stop licking the coffee table and eat your breakfast!
• Yes my boobies are big and soft. Yes they are good to use for pillows.
• Me: “Did I say lay down quietly and go to sleep? Or did I say jump back and forth from each others’ beds until one of you falls off and cries??” 5 year old: “Um..I think it was the second one but I’m not sure.”
• Stop licking the floor and get back in the tub!
• Take your underwear out of your mouth and put it on.
• Get your head out of the dog’s mouth.
• No, you can’t eat the dead spider.
• We don’t eat our friends!
• Why is there poop on your face?
• It’s probably not a good idea to lay in the dog’s bed after taking a shower!
• Don’t let the dog put his tongue in your mouth!
• Our peanut butter sandwiches do not go in the VCR.
• NO! Urinal cakes are not for eating!
• Do not lick your brothers bum!
• We don’t chew on batteries.
• We don’t use our poop to paint pictures.

Read more »

Can you raise awareness by "disappearing"?

The thing about divorce with kids is that you start too many sentences with “the thing about divorce with kids.”

Another thing about divorce with kids is that, at the peak of the fight, when your love has somersaulted into hatred, you start thinking, “My life would be so much better if she wasn’t around anymore.” Your fevered, anguished mind takes you to dark places, where you fantasize about getting a phone call that the plane your ex-wife was on plunged into the Pacific. Or the gym says she had a massive aneurysm on the treadmill and was dead before she hit the floor.

You don’t want her to suffer, necessarily. You just want her gone.

Because then, the constant source of your unyielding stress suddenly evaporates. No more haggling over dissolution and finances, no more forced interaction with the living embodiment of your failure. And you have total autonomy over how and where you raise your kids.

You’re not proud of these thoughts, but you acknowledge them. And then, as the stress eases, the parameters of your new life coalesce, and you can think clearly about what’s best for your kids, you realize that losing a mom is a terrible thing for any kid to endure. And growing up without one is even worse.

Which brings me to No Mother’s Day. Read more »

It was only a couple weeks ago that I took Noah to Disneyland. On trips like that, you have to get the most out of your money so it’s GO GO GO GO GO GO GO, sleep, GO GO GO GO GO GO GO, sleep, GO GO GO GO GO GO GO.

When I came home I was almost more stressed than before we even left. And so, when Westin offered to send Noah and me to their San Antonio resort for a few days, I jumped at the chance. I mean… three days of poolside relaxation and fun? It was just the mental relaxation that we needed.

So, I loaded Noah up and we headed to San Antonio.

Read more »

(See what I did there? I wrote a provocative headline about the TRUE THINGS THAT ALL PEOPLE MUST ACCEPT BECAUSE THEY ARE TRUE that is far more bombastic than the piece itself. And now, I’d like to spend the next several paragraphs discussing corn subsidies.)

(Still reading? Thank you. Most people would have read the headline and run to get their pitchforks.)

Over the next several days, you’re going to hear a lot about this week’s Time magazine cover story about attachment parenting. The official explanation is that Dr. William Sears’s “The Baby Book,” the movement’s purported “bible,” is about to turn 20 years old, and Time wanted to explore the extent to which the doctor’s methods have transformed parenting.

Unofficially, Mother’s Day is Sunday, and Time wants to celebrate by exposing the bruise all mothers carry over their perceived inadequacy and poking it with a sharp stick. Predictably, the article itself is a perfectly benign treatment of AP’s origins and nothing nearly as incendiary as the cover, which will eventually just stare up at us dully from the landfill.

Less will be made of the companion piece written by Nathan Thornburgh, titled “The Detached Dad’s Manifesto,” which makes a far bolder statement than anything in the cover piece.

Read more »

My son’s mom and I have two very different belief sets. She’s a devout church-going Christian. I’m a spiritual agnostic. She finds peace in a pew. I find peace on a mountain top.

Up to this point, it hasn’t been too big a deal when it comes to co-parenting our son. I let her take him to church, and she lets me take him hiking. We have a mutual agreement that we will both always be passionate about our personal beliefs but never tell him what he must believe.  It will always be his choice, we’ve decided.

And now that he’s getting older (he just turned five), he’s starting to see that mom and dad live different kinds of lives, and he’s starting to ask questions. This means that for the first time, he’s going to have to start processing our distinctive beliefs and start deciding for himself what he himself wants to believe.

On Sunday, I picked him up like I always do, and I asked him what he did that day, just like I always do. “I went to church,” he said.

“Oh, did you like it?”

“Yeah,” he responded, and then added, “Daddy, why don’t you like church?”

I wasn’t quite prepared for his question. “What do you mean?” I asked.

“Why don’t you like church?”

“Do you like church?” I asked him.

“I don’t know. There’s some things I like. But Daddy, why don’t you like it?” I went on to explain that Daddy doesn’t believe in the same things Mommy does and that’s okay because everybody in the whole world believes different things and it’s up to each person to figure out what feels good for them and to believe in it.

“Well why does Mommy like church and you don’t?”

I could hardly believe these questions were coming from a five-year-old. “Well,” I said. “You know how Mommy believes in Jesus?”

“Yeah.”

“Daddy doesn’t know if he believes in Jesus. Daddy believes in other things.”

“But Dad, don’t you know that Jesus made everything, even the whole world?”

“That’s what some people believe,” I told him. “And if you want to believe it, that’s okay.”

He thought about it for a little while. “Dad, why don’t you and Mom think the same stuff?”

I had to ponder my answer. I really wasn’t prepared for this conversation. “Noah, when you go to church do you feel happy or special?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s good. Lots of people feel happy or special when they go to church and if you like feeling like that, and you want to go to church, that’s okay.” He didn’t reply. “But Daddy never felt very happy or special when he went to church so I don’t go to church anymore.”

“You didn’t feel happy at church?” he seemed doubtful.

“Nope. Do you know where Daddy goes to feel happy and special?”

“Where?”

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“Daddy goes hiking. When I go hiking and I go to the tops of the mountains, I feel happy and special.”

“You feel happy and special when you go in the mountains?” he asked, suddenly more fascinated.

“Yep. Do you feel happy and special when you go hiking with Dad?”

“Yeah.”

“Good, so you don’t need to worry too much about it right now. Just do the things that make you feel happy and special, okay?”

“Okay.”

We sat in silence for a little while. Eventually he asked a few more questions, probing to see what was okay for him to feel and what wasn’t okay for him to feel.

Every time I answered that it was his choice what he wanted to do and believe, he seemed more and more relieved.

By the end of the conversation, he was a much happier camper, content that Dad had his life and mom had hers. The difference in our lives seemed not to be weighing on him anymore, and we moved onto other topics.

After a couple rounds of our favorite driving games, he suddenly asked, “Daddy, what does believe mean?”

And that’s when I really realized two things. First, at this point things may not be as deep or complicated as I think they are. And second, my kid is going to be okay, no matter what he chooses to believe. He’s going to be okay because he’s got two parents who want his happiness above anything else. And I’m thankful for that.

I can only imagine that in this day and age there are a lot of parents who have completely different beliefs than their counterparts.

And I think that’s okay. In some ways it’s a beautiful opportunity.

If as parents we learn to teach our children how to believe more than we teach them what to believe, our kids will be as strong or stronger in their beliefs than any of us ever were. If we can learn to be passionate about our own beliefs without demanding that our kids believe them, those beliefs will have a much better chance of actually becoming the beliefs of our children.

I really believe that.

As parents we have a beautiful opportunity to raise a generation of spiritual intellects who will stand behind their beliefs (whatever they are) and for all the right reasons. In the day and age we live in, the world is bigger than it used to be. More information is at our fingertips. More chance for truth and conviction presents itself to those who want it. More beauty can exist in what we teach our kids and in how we teach it to them.

So lets teach them the important things. The things that will bring everybody closer together and make believing an easier thing for our children.

Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing

P.S. Do you have different beliefs than your spouse or your children’s co-parent? How do you handle this? And what do you teach your children about it?

Read more from me on Single Dad Laughing! Also, be sure to checkout dumbubble, my other hilarious and fun website.
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More of me on Danoah Unleashed:

I Bit My Kid’s Head Off For No Real Reason Today
For My Kid’s First Birthday, I Got Him a Facebook Account
Why the Heck Would it Be Where it Goes?

Oh dear Lord, it’s almost Mother’s Day. This is one of those “holidays” that’s fraught with unrealistic expectation and pressure on everyone. Maybe it’s me, maybe I’m the holiday Scrooge but it feels like so many of these forced commercial holidays like Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day and obviously Tu B’ Shevat  only benefit Hallmark but leave everyone else feeling like it’s just another opportunity to screw up.

Okay, it’s really adorable when my kids make me something in school and present it to me on Mother’s Day morning all smiles and love and making me feel like the kind of mom who always makes fresh baked cookies and never ever raises her voice. As far as that goes, keep it coming. What I’m talking about the pressure that men feel to make Mother’s Day special or risk being thought of as unfeeling, insensitive and ungrateful of all their wives do.

Most husbands, even if they do remember the day, just give you a card and move on. It’s not that they don’t love us, ladies, they do! It’s that they don’t have gift giving in their DNA. That’s why so many TV commercials are aimed at men who don’t know how to shop for women. And that’s why so many women are sporting stupid drop heart diamond pendants around their neck- because their husband only understands that every kiss begins with Kay.

So, let’s forget about waiting for the fellows to give us our gifts and give them the gift of not having to shop for us. Men love it when you express your needs clearly. Help them help you have a great Mother’s Day.

1. Have your husband keep the kids in the other room while you watch two Lifetime movies in a row. Try The Baby Dance with Laura Dern and Stockard Channing. It’s all about a woman trying to adopt and getting taken advantage of at every turn. Happy Mother’s Day! Or you can escape from parenting and go with my person fave “Another Woman’s Husband” starring Lifetime movie great Lisa Rinna!
2. Get your husband’s credit card (yes I know it’s yours too but for the sake of “treating yourself” use his copy) and order in every meal. Yes, including breakfast. Or go out for breakfast but order in lunch and dinner. How about pizza for lunch and Chinese for dinner? No? Well get whatever you want then. Jesus, I’m trying to help you.
3. By yourself that cute white Michael Kors watch you’ve had your eye on for two years. You know the one with the diamonds and the clear band. You deserve it. Go on and do it. Or just order it for yourself on eBay. Don’t worry about the cost, he’d want you to have it.
4. Lay on the couch and play Angry Birds on your phone while the kids fight. Refuse to budge until you’ve made it at least six levels. Or does this only sound fun to me?
5. Opposite of spa day: eat a ton of candy and potato chips. In fact, do not even eat a single morsel of   anything that’s “grilled” “poached” “fresh” or in any way healthy sounding. It’s your day. And don’t share any of it with your children. They may have broccoli and they’d better be happy about it because God damn it, it’s Mother’s Day!