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• I actually think the “mommy wars” thing is an interesting topic – and for new moms it’s a very real & sensitive issue: stay-at-home, work or some combination of the two. Note – I said NEW moms. If you’re years beyond that initial decision I can see why the stay-at-home vs working discussion seems pointless.

  The fact is it’s a gut-wrenching choice for a lot of women so why wouldn’t Anderson Cooper or anyone else have it as a topic on a show? I didn’t watch this particular episode but to pretend that it’s somehow the media’s creation discredits the very real feelings/insecurities/questions that lots of moms face.

  I know as a working mom I sometimes struggle to connect with stay-at-home moms… and I also have times of real guilt about the fact that the nanny spends more waking hours with my son than I do. So, while I don’t think pitting moms against each other solves anything – I do think having frank and open discussions is helpful because it lets folks see the pros/cons of both lifestyle choices, which is especially helpful for first-time moms who are in the trenches of sorting that all out.

  Esther Crawford commented on Jan 11 12 at 8:34 pm Reply
  

• Who better to ask then a Mom that has been on both sides? ME! I worked with my son and it was very difficult because of the guilt. I always wanted to be there for every single issue and I couldn’t. I was so envious of Moms that were able to be at home and almost viewed as leisure time. Now my son is 12 and I have been at home with him and my 18 month old daughter for almost 3 years. WOW was I mistaken, there is zero leisure time. Being a stay at home Mom has many challenges too. Being criticized for being lazy is probably the most awful of all of them. Losing almost any identity, other than being a Mom; is another. I don’t criticize parents who can’t take a financial sacrifice and I ask that you stop criticizing me. While we have sacrificed financially and socially, I still would not change a single thing….. Well except for the criticism from working parents.

  Charlene commented on Jan 11 12 at 10:41 pm Reply
  

• Finally! Finally! several panelists getting to the root of the issue: the pot-stirring media.

  Back in 2005 everyone was reading Judy Warner’s “Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety”, which was a journalist basically making you (or was it just me?) feel bad about yourself for being a mom with current day anxieties and emotions (you know the daily stuff we all share NOW on blogs, Facebook & Twitter). What everyone should have been reading was Miriam Peskowitz’s “The Truth Behind the Mommy Wars,” which was written by a researcher who shared hard data that real moms are supportive of each other and actually have more in common than the national media would let you think (actually regional and local media do a good job at portraying real parenting life/issues). Miriam also did a great job in her book showing real examples of how the media would manipulate guests/ sources for their “mommy wars” episodes/ articles.

  Yes, the pot-stirring is still happening in the media, but Miriam’s “real data” is finally getting its own air time through social media and through our voices every day.

  And, THIS salon right here is a perfect example. Every time one of those BS, link-baiting “mommy wars” stories pops up, there’s now a chorus of parents in social media that can say “Hey that’s not a picture of reality, because I connect with xxxx moms from around the country everyday and that’s not what reality looks like. Go away and come talk to me about shit I really care about, like affordable childcare or Ryan Gosling.”

  If you’re still paying attention, here’s a post i wrote for Babble Voices that kinda touches on the topic: http://blogs.babble.com/babble-voices/isabel-kallman-thinking-out-loud/2011/09/06/why-is-parenting-such-a-lightning-rod/

  Isabel @AlphaMom commented on Jan 12 12 at 2:27 am Reply
  

  • Thanks Isabel: Great reading!
    http://blogs.babble.com/babble-voices/isabel-kallman-thinking-out-loud/2011/09/06/why-is-parenting-such-a-lightning-rod/

    Liz Gumbinner commented on Jan 12 12 at 9:36 am
    

  • Very good point Isabel…I do feel like there is some truth to the “wars” because I have seen both sides, but it’s far more common on the Internet and in the news media than it is in real life, where moms I know tend to support one another’s choices and understand the complexities of each family’s unique needs and situation.

    It’s kind of like politics, though, right? Online and in the media, discussions seem to get far more heated, far more personal and far more divisive and nasty than they do in real life. I think it’s because it’s so easy to find others “like us” online, or to see a black-and-white picture of each “camp” portrayed in the media. You forget that people are people, not sides or types.

    Meagan Francis commented on Jan 12 12 at 4:04 pm
    

• I am a stay at home mom of three I did the work thing before our third child and it was a pain. The girls where in daycare and I got called by the daycare at least once a week and had to leave work to pick up one of the girls my oldest would eat so much that she made herself sick when she was younger but when she got sick she would be so upset and crying which made her temp go up a but they would call me saying she threw up always after lunch time and she had a fever but by the time I got there and got her home which took about 15 min she didn’t have a fever. Do now I will not be putting my kids in daycare where they get sick from other kids and personally I want to be the one who raises my kids not some stranger at a daycare. I have a very hard time even making the choice to put my children in daycare due to the way I was treated at a daycare as a child. This is why I went with a daycare that I could go online and see my child. Not to long ago a friend I reconnected with worked st the same daycare I took my kids to and she told me one of the women there hit a child and my friend went to the lady over the daycare and they didn’t do anything about it didn’t even tell the parent my friend told them she thought the parent should know and they fired her. So no I am not a working mom and get critized by people all the time about it. But my children are just to important to me.

  Mel commented on Jan 12 12 at 11:27 am Reply
  

  • @Mel – I think some of the points you make in your argument are tired quotes that only help to fuel the fires of this “war”. Don’t know if you meant them as such, but as a working Mom it’s hard to hear “I don’t want someone else raising my child” and “my children are just too important to me.” I don’t know if it can be said enough that working moms ARE raising their children and our children ARE important to us. We’re all taking part in this important job of parenting. Everybody’s experience is just different.

    Procrastamom commented on Jan 12 12 at 3:05 pm
    

  • Wowwwww @Mel. “No I am not a working mom.. my children are just too important to me.”

    That’s about the most hurtful thing you can say to a working mom. Now clearly you feel defensive because you have been criticized for staying home. But attacking back, that’s the very thing we’re talking about here that escalates the animosity. It’s simply not productive. We’d all be better off if we could understand that every individual is different, every family is different, and the only choice that matters is the one that’s right for you.

    Liz Gumbinner commented on Jan 12 12 at 4:28 pm
    

• I get so confused when I try to figure this out. It’s an issue that seems like a concrete issue on the surface but when you try to look closely at it…it kind of falls apart. Which leaves me feeling like it’s some kind of conspiracy. Keep the moms distracted, or doubtful, or at each other’s throats. It’s good for business. But who’s behind the scenes pulling the strings? And why do we let them do that to us?

  Christine @ Quasi Agitato commented on Jan 12 12 at 12:36 pm Reply
  

• I agree with the ratings theory but I also think that moms fight against themselves because they feel the need to defend their own position by putting down another mom. No matter what choice a mother makes and no matter how right it is for her family she will be judged by it. The first thing I realized as soon as I got pregnant was that everyone now thought it was appropriate to judge me and tell me about those judgments for everything I did. That included but was not limited to taking a year off of work, buying a used crib to save money and wearing a shirt that some considered low cut.

  Jennifer Lachman commented on Jan 12 12 at 4:34 pm Reply
  

• I came here from Catherine’s post on the subject, about being unfriended on FB over this.

  What struck me about her post was how angry it was, how defensive. I know this is a particularly sensitive issue for her, to have the validity of what she is doing questioned, and so I imagine that it’s pretty sensitive for many others. Makes it pretty easy to get riled up and want to “go to war” to defend the honor of your choice, as opposed to just blowing off the insulter as an ignoramus.

  Lisa commented on Jan 12 12 at 4:44 pm Reply
  

• The flames of war are also spread by those who have been torched.

  Personally, I have never, ever had a single person to my face or email ever question me about staying home. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve read about it. So if I never bothered to read the blogs or advice columns, I could be blissfully unaware that people feel this way.

  Every blog post about how “I done been wronged,” just spreads the insult and injury onward and outward, burning more women. How many blog posts have you read that didn’t include insults hurled back at the attacker? Again, using Catherine’s post as an example:

  “I kind of thought that that might be the end of it. I mean, there were a couple of hundred supportive comments, expressing outrage and disappointment, and everyone that I spoke to about the incident agreed that the kind of person who would say this kind of thing, in this way, was batshit crazy, and also sort of illiterate. Most sensible people agreed, it seemed, that this was an offensive, retrograde opinion. Most people agreed, it seemed, that judging mothers at all for whether they work in or out of the home was offensive and retrograde.”

  So we have the missile of “I’m disappointed in you” be met with the grenade of “batshit crazy and illiterate.” And so on goes the war because we feed it. We feed it with our indignation, our “can you believe this?!” our urge to spread the flames.

  Lisa commented on Jan 12 12 at 4:54 pm Reply
  

  • See, Lisa, I think that it’s important to call this stuff out. You may be right that it’s fighting insult with insult, but I’d rather stand up and say to the person that is spouting this, ‘hey, it’s mean and irrational to say that moms who stay home are lazy and passive and a drain on their partners and society’ (and if that person can’t form grammatically correct sentences, well, there’s that too. Maybe I did go over the top there, but, yes, it DOES make me angry.) I’m not interested in clutching my pearls and being precious and ladylike about this.

    Because here’s the thing – I don’t think that we should tolerate this, from either side. We shouldn’t tolerate moms at home being characterized as lazy and dependent, and we shouldn’t tolerate moms who work outside of the home being characterized as selfish and uncaring. We should, when we hear this nonsense – and it is nonsense – stand up and say OH HELL NO. In the same way that we don’t tolerate other groups being grossly and meanly stereotyped, we should not tolerate mothers being so stereotyped. We should – we must – call it what it is: mean-spirited, and ignorant.

    (Or, yes, batshit crazy. I stand by that.)

    Catherine Connors commented on Jan 13 12 at 1:00 am
    

• As an old(er) feminist whose kids are finally grown(ish) and out of the house and.or in college, I despair. I despair because it seems like we are fighting the same old fights over and over. And I despair because all of this backbiting and competition and fighting gives weight to the stereotype that women will step over other women for anything, that women can’t be trusted, that women prefer men over women, and that women are, well, inferior. I mean, if we can’t get out act together amongst us, how are we going to change the world? I have been a feminist for 41 years, since my awakening at 15. I worked, I married and had kids and raised them while working part-time and then as a writer at home. I believe in spending copious amounts of time with your kids if you have them and if at all possible but I do not believe that stay-at-home moms are superior to those working and I am well aware that economic circumstances prevail in too many circumstances. More than 15 years ago I joined an online group called Feminist Mothers at Home, which is just what we were: feminist who had chosen to take some time off from the traditional workplace to raise our kids, but women who were still active and fully conscious; women who were not afraid to call themselves both feminists and mothers. I would love to think that our core group of women (around 100 or so give or take the year) could be a model for the rest of the world, but I am not naive. I just wish this fight would go away so we could concentrate fully on the real issues facing women: lower pay, lower opportunity, violence, rape, discrimination, just to mention a few. This is a dumb fight and it takes energy away from what should be our main cause: full equality for all women everywhere. I blog on this topic at http://www.middleaged feminist.com

  Lisa Solod commented on Jan 12 12 at 5:20 pm Reply
  

• As a mom of 6, no one even asks me if I stay home or not. It’s obviously implied. Could you imagine the daycare rates to send the 3 I still have at home as well as the other 3 after school? I don’t even want to think about it. I’m just thankful that I don’t have to.

  With my first child, I was a single mom. I had to work to support us. I had no other choice. And I was ok with that. My daughter *loved* daycare, and she learned so much while she was there. I truly believe that daycare gave her a great start for the years of school to follow. Plus, she is rarely ever sick. I know “they” say that kids in daycare are always sick, but it really helped build up her immune system.

  I got married when my daughter was 5 years old, and I have stayed home ever since. My husband and I spent a very long time talking and debating over whether or not I should work. For us, it was best if I stayed home so that I could be there when my daughter got off the bus. It just meant doing without some luxuries sometimes. 5 more kids later, and I’m still staying home, and we still have to do without, but that’s ok. I love my not-so-little family, and this works for us.

  I agree with the comment above that stated the Working Mom vs. Stay at Home Mom debate is for new moms. It is a constant struggle of doing what’s right for your family. But, believe me, once you figure it out, everything just falls into place.

  Angie Vinez commented on Jan 12 12 at 7:28 pm Reply
  

• People are too much in everyone’s business these days. You’ve got to do what works for you and your family. With no apologies. My sister is one of the hardest working people I know, full time at home mom, home schooling her 4 kids and hubby on business travel all the time. A true mommy hero. That works for them, but not for a lot of others. It certainly would not have worked for me. Why can’t we all embrace our differences? There is no right way to do this, just what works until it stops working and then you adjust until it works again. Love your kids, love your spouse, love yourself. Support your friends and other moms. Don’t know about the rest of you but I’m too tired to worry about Anderson Freakin’ Cooper. Got get ready for a sleepover, soccer game, track meet and work tomorrow!

  jl commented on Jan 12 12 at 8:40 pm Reply
  

• I am a former working mom forced from her job. Now I am a stay at home with my two year old and going through the last four months of my second pregnancy. And honestly I wasn’t happy as a working mother having to put on a uniform every night to defend a country that doesn’t like what we do. But I say to all naval working mothers “get to it ladies and lets show em how we roll.” Or as Rosie the rivitor once said “I can do it best.” And anyone who must put me on blast can they just wont like the horns.

  Amanda Snyder commented on Jan 13 12 at 11:27 am Reply
  

• In fairness to Dr. Laura and these so called “mommy wars” there are two entirely different issues here. The first issue is working and supporting a family. I believe to support a family (without going on government assistance for food or healthcare) both adults “have to work.”

  Some couples divide that up so that one spouse has a higher paying job, generally with more than 40 hours and travel/away from home, and the other spouse doesn’t do paid work outside the home. Other couples divide it up so that both spouses work/take care of children and earn enough money to support their family, and this generally does require SOME outside childcare, but not full time. I don’t thing anyone attacks these families or their decisions.

  The other issue, what I think is the divisive issue, is when both spouses choose to work high paying jobs that require 40+ hours a week, therefore any children from infancy are in paid childcare 40 (or more) hours a week. The adults in the family are both choosing their careers/incomes over being with their children more hours out of the week. I don’t necessarily think this makes them “bad” parents, but it’s easy to question who is raising their children most hours of the week.

  Gwyn commented on Jan 13 12 at 1:23 pm Reply
  

  • You are right on the money, Gwyn!! Why would both parents choose to work if they absolutely didn’t have to. I’m sorry. THAT IS selfish. Why would you have children and leave them with a nanny all day and only be there at home with them to sleep? It doesn’t make sense. I understand. In most families these days, both parents HAVE to work to make ends meet, which is fine…but why would 2 people with high-end paying jobs CHOOSE to work. Don’t have kids then. Don’t work 70 or 80 hours a week and leave your kids with a nanny. It is not fair to the child and the chlid is the only thing that matters. I know some people think these comments are awful, but the children should be forefront in the parnets’ minds, not the kids and the parents who choose to do what I have stated above aren’t putting the kids first.

    marcia commented on Jan 20 12 at 11:11 pm
    

  • @Marcia, it’s comments exactly like this one that create the mommy wars. Some people choose to work for personal fulfillment. Some for financial reasons. Some women don’t want to be mommytracked out of their careers and never again have the option, should something go wrong with the marriage or the husband’s earning power–and vice versa. Some parents do put the children first precisely because they work, in myriad ways.

    Yes, I do think this comment is awful. To make assumptions of two-income families based on some Hollywood stereotype of a rich, 80-hour week workaholic couple with a nanny as surrogate parent is a cheap shot. It’s destructive, it’s inflammatory, it’s wildly rare in the scheme of all parents, and as others have said…it’s not your business. I’m trying to be as diplomatic as possible in this thread in the face of some pretty judgmental BS.

    Really, I wish we could raise one another up instead tearing down, asking questions instead of casting judgments. That seems to be an impossible task for quite a few people.

    I also wish that the thoughtfulness of all the incredible posts in this salon were met with equal thoughtfulness by the commenters here. The authors deserve better.

    Liz Gumbinner commented on Jan 21 12 at 2:14 pm
    

• First, I enjoyed reading all the post. I have worked in the home and outside of the home. I personally, perfer to work at home, if I can earn a decent salary. I agree with the post that mention, I like to know who is raising my children. My children spent so much time at daycare centers and I did not like this, however, I had no choice, I had to work. Thanks for the opportunity to share. Wanda Griffith

  Wanda Griffith commented on Jan 13 12 at 2:23 pm Reply
  

• I love Isabel’s comment so much! Miriam Peskowitz’ book is very important reading and a counterpoint to flame-war Internet culture… But I also wanted to bring up one thing. What I have found is that it can be HELPFUL for someone to say to a working mother, You might want to quit! And offer her opinion and, yes, JUDGMENT, of the situation. And it can be helpful for a mom to say to another mom, Dude, you need a life outside of raising kids and housework, you’re losing your mind. I have been a part of these conversations where women are trying to figure out what to do and sometimes another woman’s JUDGMENT helps. I suppose this is different from “judgey.” I have found it valuable to listen to the judgmental arguments of working mothers who say that work = freedom. And not just hurt because I worked at home or part time or for periods, not at all. I think this ties in with what Isabel was saying though… women can judge situations and options (what little there often seem to be for moms which is, of course, the real story) and talk about it in a productive way and often do.

  ceridwen commented on Jan 13 12 at 2:53 pm Reply
  

• I was surprised not to see more working moms on here defending the cause. Gwyn’s comment rattled me somewhat. Both my husband and I are high earners and it seems prehistoric to me that because I choose to work rather have to work, I would be judged for that. I love my children and I love my job. I have two young daughters and I am raising them to become strong, independent women and must confess that I would be disappointed if in later years they told me they were not going to work. Eeek. I admire stay at home mothers, my own mother was one, but truly the women that get me up in the morning are those pioneering hard working ladies that somehow juggle it all.

  Kimberly Reeves commented on Jan 13 12 at 10:14 pm Reply
  

  • As a full time working mom and avowed feminist, I’ll stand with you on that @Kimberly. I personally think if we’re trying to promote dialogue instead of “wars” then we can’t support parenting choices with stipulations. i.e. “Working is only okay if you’re a single mom.” “Working is not okay if your partner is a significant earner.” “Two-income families are okay but not if you earn over $xxx because then you’re just selfish.” Ack.

    The only thing any of us know for sure is that there are many, many different kinds of families that are capable of functioning well; and many many children who are capable of thriving under different circumstances. Obama did pretty well for himself as the son of a single working mother, eh?

    Liz Gumbinner commented on Jan 13 12 at 10:27 pm
    

• Why is Dad not a part of this equation?
  I am a proud working mum and the ONLY way I can make it work is with the support of my husband. I drop our daughter at school and put her to bed most nights but he is there to pick her up, bath her, check her homework and cook dinner every night of the week. Each weekend we spend every single waking moment together as a threesome. Despite being a “weekend mum”, my bond with my daughter could not be stronger.

  When I was young, I aspired to the stay-at-home life, but now that I am older and know myself better, I am thankful that I got to be a career-woman with the luxury to choose a partner for love not money.

  We all have difficult decisions to make, but if we follow our hearts we will find our way, even if that path differs to what we thought it would be.

  stephanie krompier commented on Jan 13 12 at 11:54 pm Reply
  

• Please note that I didn’t deem two parent households where both spouses choose to work high income (and probably high weekly hour) jobs as “bad” parents. What gets missed is that choosing careers over putting those hours into childcare is being honest in who is doing most of the childcare in any given week, and not pretending it’s the same type of parenting that couples do who are physically there most of those hours of childcare in a week.
  I’m imagining in those situations the person actually doing the chidcare is person who is nurturing, caring, and good at childcare. And it’s this person who is there changing the diapers, doing the feedings, supervising the potty times, cleaning up the endless preschool activities, going to the park, and eating lunch every day with your child(ren), there when the child gets home from school.
  There is a long human history of having designated child caregivers while the two parents are doing other things; it’s not evil or bad. You can have a great and close bond with your child(ren), but it’s not the same as actually being the one to do the majority of childcare.
  And, plenty of SAHM/D are far worse at childcare than who you have doing your childcare, and maybe whoever you have doing your childcare is actually better at the day to day (dare I say day to day tedium of childcare) they you would be. And it’s all okay, just not all equal in the terms of hours spent with your children, and I think that is what flames the wars; pretending it’s all the same choices.
  And, not all families make good decisions for their children. But this decisions making for good or bad has NOTHING to do with working or not!

  Gwyn commented on Jan 14 12 at 12:32 am Reply
  

  • @Gwyn I appreciate the clarification. However I think there is a challenge in the assumption that two high-income working parents are “choosing careers over…raising their children.” Childcare is not the same as parenting. Childcare is not the same as raising a child. Although I do believe that having amazing, supportive grandparents and childcare providers in your life can be a fabulous “takes a village” experience for children. To conflate parenting with childcare tasks is exactly what we’re talking about here–you say it with more thought and eloquence, but in the end, it’s the same message as the hurtful Facebook comment I posted about here. The message that working moms take from that is, “you’re not a parent” or “you have made the inferior choice.” The implication is that “you are working when you don’t have to.”

    We can also discuss the issues that Rufus and others have brought up that factor into these decisions–if you are a woman that takes six years off from your career, there is slim chance of returning to it. Many women who are products of divorce also do not want their “high income husbands” to be solely responsible for earning a living while killing off their own careers. I think this is all very, very complex. I really do appreciate your input.

    Liz Gumbinner commented on Jan 14 12 at 7:47 am
    

• I don’t feel like you can tidily separate parenting into two sections, like “childcare” is the grunt-work, drudgery parenting, contrasting with the high-minded “raising a child.” It’s all mixed up together. Whoever watches a kid during the day is going to be handling meals, naps, diapers/potty (childcare). But at some point during that same day, that person will also be called on to sooth a boo-boo, explain where Mr. Fluffy went when he died, and settle a playground dispute. All of this, to me, falls under “raising a child.” And if someone, who has a choice in the matter, wants to pay someone to do these things during the day while they do something else, that is their choice.

  Stef commented on Jan 15 12 at 12:48 am Reply
  

  • Thanks for your thoughts @Stef. I don’t believe they are separate categories. I believe that childcare tasks are one (super important!) aspect of parenting–Lord knows that 18 million diaper changes in the first year sure did a lot for me in terms of establishing connection to my baby, and also my confidence in my ability to be a mom–but it is not the entire extent of parenting which also involves setting rules, values, family philosophy, future life path. I’d also like to remind everyone in this thread that not every working mother “pays someone” to assist with childcare. Many moms rely on grandparents, godparents, extended family and even (!!) husbands. In so many cultures, the proverbial village is an amazing and even standard source of support. I understand that that’s more controversial in the US, where independence and self-reliance are more ingrained values.

    Liz Gumbinner commented on Jan 15 12 at 12:55 pm
    

• I think if people were truly confident in their choices, they wouldn’t get angry or upset over this.

  Kim commented on Jan 15 12 at 9:36 am Reply
  

• @Liz So true regarding paid or unpaid help. In my personal situation, I don’t have a big extended support network that I would love to have. To me, the feeling of having to go it alone is one of the defining features of parenting in the USA, but maybe that is my own bias coming from my situation.

  Parenting can be hard, and families here don’t have the widely extended familial and community support, nor do they have the systemic, institutional support that other societies have built-in, as you have rightly pointed out (I swear, the parenting I saw in Denmark was so laid-back and appealing, probably because they DO have these things).

  Stef commented on Jan 15 12 at 1:42 pm Reply
  

  • Thanks @Stef, I love this discussion. If you haven’t read the book Nurture Shock, I’d really recommend it. It was eye-opening for me in recognizing how a lot of what we think of as instinctive parenting choice are really culturally ingrained (and are sometimes even inferior choices statistically). Also how society’s idea of “the right way to parent” often shifts with time–think back to when breastfeeding was considered something you delegated! What say we discuss this further over a Carlsberg in Denmark?

    Liz Gumbinner commented on Jan 15 12 at 2:01 pm
    

• Love the rational thoughts going on here. I have a 1 and 3 year old, expecting the next, and I get the privilege of doing part time career work with my husband and mother in law doing childcare on the 2-3 days a week I go to work and get to be a professional with nice clothes and agenda items that get done on a routine basis. i work mostly of necessity (second child has a health condition requiring extensive surgeries, so our medical expenses are higher than average) but totally admit to really enjoying my ‘days off’ from the housekeeping/childcare provider role, and get to waltz home to dinner mostly ready and re-energized patience and mommy ability.

  But I fully acknowledge that my mother in law is helping us raise our children. We couldn’t do it without her (and my f-i-l supporting our decisions although he doesn’t really do any childcare.) She is truly a “third parent” in our equation, and I don’t think it’s a “bad” thing. I think it’s excellent for all of us, my children included (besides being Grandma, she’s excellent with small children, has that special knack.) But I don’t pretend I do the same thing as my peers who are at home full time with their child(ren) 7 days a week all year round. It’s just different, good for my family, and now that i’ve done it, I think i’d do it even if I didn’t “have” to, although probably 1-2 days a week vs 2-3 days per week.

  So I agree that having another careprovider help raise the child can/is a good thing, although I have LOTS of doubts about how many daycares are run, I also see plenty of excellent childcare options that work for all sorts of families and their decisions.

  Gwyn commented on Jan 16 12 at 12:49 am Reply
  

• Here’s the thing, my life, including the life of my child and husband, are mine and no one else’s. It is the same for the choices that I or we make. Mine not yours. Very simple. What is good for me may not be good for you and vice versa. My family will deal with the consequences and not yours. What I can’t wrap my head around are the nosy busybodies who try to tell me what to do when I have not sought out their advice. Random people who cannot keep their mouths shut in spite of themselves. Strangers who ask me how the breast feeding is going and when I’m going back to work. Excuse me? None of your business person waiting in line behind me.

  We are all just doing the best we can with the circumstances that we are in. Isn’t that enough?

  Tricia commented on Jan 16 12 at 8:11 pm Reply
  

• ok, What kind of shows are you watching? If you don’t like what people has to say then don’t listen to them change the station or channel simple as that. weather you’re a working mom or a stay at home mom… No one cares because whatever you chose to do is not benefiting anyone but yourself and your family (you’re basicly you’re doing what you need to do to get by in life). weather someone wants to stay in school, go to work, or stay at home their whole lives THAT’S ON THEM and no one should have to bud in other people’s life. The stupid, retarded people that you mentioned are just trying to start drama so don’t buy into it because it’s what they want. Let mommies just be mommies and let them do what they need to do for their families. Mommies need to be helping each other out by teaching and learning from each other, Not head budding.

  *Note: Not all words that are capitalized mean it’s screaming/yelling but simply means those are KEY WORDS.
  *Note: nobody should be offended at the term: “stupid retards” since it’s coming from a slow person.

  crazy Shilo commented on Jan 17 12 at 7:55 am Reply
  

• Any chance we could get some perspective on this issue from other countries, though Catherine represents for Canada quite well. Anybody read news/commentary about this from other countries? Would it be helpful/interesting to see how does the debate proceeds in other cultural dimensions?

  Tina C. commented on Jan 17 12 at 3:23 pm Reply
  

• It’s true as a society we love to judge moms…and moms are often the worst offenders. I just wrote a column about how the mean girls have grown up to be mean moms. Now instead of being cruel to each other in the school hallway we’re doing it on the playground and in online mommy forums.

  http://ideas.typepad.com/brooding/2012/01/when-means-girls-become-mommies.html

  Nicole MacIntyre commented on Jan 18 12 at 8:20 pm Reply
  

• Sigh. Do what works for you and your family. Period. No apologies. Stop worrying about what others think. Anyone who judges your choices is not someone you need to waste time on. We’re all doing the best we can and hopefully we’ll survive the guilt. There is always something for someone to criticize but so what. I really wish this pot would stop stirring.

  jl commented on Jan 18 12 at 10:23 pm Reply
  

• Remember when it was a man/woman things when men thought that if thinggs didn’t get done that day 4whatever reason remember ladies??what the heck happened that we as mothers aren’t supporting each other in our choices?I have 5 kids am a stay at mom and certainly have days where i wish i had another job ccan anyone that works outside the sometimes wish they could stay home once in while and hang w their children? I really don’tget y we cant just get along!

  Shawn Beltz commented on Jan 27 12 at 4:48 pm Reply
  

• Here’s the bottom line for those who try to make me feel bad for continuing my full-time career when my child was born (now in elementary school). Imagine all the places you go to in a week, in a month: grocery store, library, doctor’s office, big box stores, local stores, restaurants, coffee shops… Now think of all the women who work there. Presuming at least a quarter have kids in school-age range, should they not be there? Should they not be there at the jobs you depend on? What about the hidden jobs like the people in the kitchens in your favorite restaurants, cleaning the toilets at the office after hours, working on the farm to harvest the crops, driving the trucks and flying the planes to bring you strawberries in January and Amazon shipments. So none of those people should have school-age kids? What is my career, you may ask? Teacher. Should all teachers not have school-age kids either? What would that look like?!

  Jill commented on Jan 28 12 at 10:34 pm Reply
  

• I am totally oblivious to these mommy wars. For real. I am a stay at home mom right now. I am totally content with that. If it I weren’t, maybe some of this stuff I am hearing would phase me somehow, but it doesn’t. I am blissfully unaware of it’s existence until I see it pointed out on a blog or a talk show. I have never in my life had anyone come up to me and criticize me for being a stay at home mom. Nor did I ever have anyone do so when I was a working mom. I actually don’t know where all of these obviously insecure, petty, jealous, people come from. I mean, it seems to me that you would only spend so much time criticizing people for their choices, if you were that unhappy with your own and/or jealous of theirs.

  MichelleW commented on Feb 07 12 at 1:03 pm Reply
  

• In the 90′s as a young mother I loved Dr Laura. I thirsted for direction; to do the right thing. When I hear Dr Laura, with a more mature retrospect, I am amazed at how quick she is to broad-stroke her paintbrush of opinion to a *snapshot* of information. If callers don’t “talk TO her” it seems her exercise is form *jumping* to conclusions.

  *Everyone* has an opinion but not everyone expresses it, especially with rigid verbosity. Put less weight on a others opinions and emphasis on doing the right thing for YOU & YOUR FAMILY. Every action builds memories, every thread weaves the fabric. What worked for your grandmothers generation isn’t necessarily right for this generation. Role model’s -do- without the need to preach.

  Cathy Andersen commented on Feb 21 12 at 11:08 pm Reply
  

• I watch the younger women in my apartment building. This dilemma divides them; socially, economically, and maybe even a bit culturally. I don’t have much to say to them being in my 50s and having a dachshund for a daughter, but it makes me a bit sad that this is still an issue to be discussed.

  Barbara commented on Mar 09 12 at 6:56 pm Reply
  

• , the world is summed up to these top20 cnurtoies. It’s not around the world . Those are basically some places of the north hemisphere.But, please, don’t worry. This nice blog isn’t the place to this old fashioned and annoying kind of complaint.I shouldn’t write that comment. Sorry.

  Nilu commented on Mar 15 12 at 1:25 am Reply
  

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