“Actually,” and the Dawn of Civilized Defiance in Our Household
Posted By Rufus Griscom On February 12th, 2012 at 5:43 pm
In the last several months, “actually” has become Grey’s favorite word. Actually, I don’t like hamburgers anymore. Actually, my bedtime is 8pm. Actually, Declan drew the outside and I just colored it in. Grey seized on “actually” at about three and half, the same time Declan did, and it’s now neck and neck with “legos,” “mommy” and “poopie” (sad but true) among the most common utterances in our household.
Defiant Grey -- if he ever starts an indie band, this photo may come in handy
“Actually” is, for our boys, a powerful word, a watershed word. It’s arrival semaphores the realization that parents do not, in fact, know all, and often need to be set straight by little people. It is, always, the prelude to a civilized act of defiance. Actually, soccer is boring (yesterday, refusing to take a soccer class). Actually, I like cinnamon and lemon in cider that is hot, not in cider that is cold (today, at lunch, protesting a leftover beverage). Actually, I poked him with the fork because he didn’t play with me when I asked him to (uttered nonchalantly in a bustling restaurant this morning, in response to the hushed, urgent, inaccurate statement, “We never poke each other with silverware in this family!”
Declan The Skeptic, pondering the allure of weapons delivery systems that inflict pain on bad guys.
These lofty pronouncements from our little hooligans, who are generally ketchup splattered and unfit for polite society, teeter between aggravating and comical. They grow a little taller when they pull out an “actually,” an eyebrow raises imperceptibly, and then they hesitate for a second like a nunchuck spinning martial artist looking for his target. It works for them like “essentially” or “ostensibly” work for some adults, as a way to ratchet up the soap box a couple notches.
The truth is, I relish their small acts of defiance, even as we do our best to reign them in. Actually, peas taste like boogers, Daddy. It’s the beginning of daylight between us and them, the lever they use to crowbar a separate identity. Of course the dawn of semi-rational thinking has its pros and cons. It means a lot more talking about every last little thing and a little less recreational screaming. And this seems, actually, like a good thing.
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9 Comments
Catherine Connors commented on Feb 13 12 at 9:51 amI am laughing at this, because, as they say, IT IS TRUE.
Emilia hit upon the word ‘actually’ around three and a half and it quickly became a fixture of her vocabulary, serving the exact purpose that you describe: putting big people in their place. “Actually, Mommy, I only like spinach on pizza”; “Actually, Daddy, I only just TURNED 6 years old, so I’m really closer to five”; “Actually, pencils are better than crayons.” As she’s gotten older, these have come to be accompanied by an eye-roll, but perhaps that’s just a girl flourish.
Korinthia Klein commented on Feb 13 12 at 10:57 amMy oldest and youngest both hit an ‘actually’ stage around age three. I loved it. My middle child used to start everything with “Whelp” (instead of ‘well’) and I was so sad when that phase passed. I loved, “Whelp, I guess I’ll have some pancakes. Whelp, time to get my shoes….”
Rufus commented on Feb 13 12 at 8:22 pmThat is adorable, Korinthia, and great fodder for another post: Incorrect Pronunciations You Can’t Bear to Correct Because They Are So Absurdly Cute.
Declan is almost seven, but he still has a few, including saying “built” instead of “build” as in, “Daddy, will you built with me?” Invariably a babysitter has a good sense to correct them and then they fade away.
Michelle commented on Feb 14 12 at 3:29 pmMy almost 3 year old’s favorite word lately is “probably” and he uses it in the funniest context sometimes. For example, “Do you need to use the potty?” His response, “Probably, yes.” or “Did you hit your brother?” and response “Probably.” Sometimes I have to stop myself from laughing at him.
eliana commented on Feb 15 12 at 3:05 pmI thought I was alone! Actually, it makes me laugh every day at the seemingly deep thoughts of my just turned 3 year old.
Rufus commented on Feb 15 12 at 3:21 pmOne interesting supplemental note: the top photo above, the indie rock band cover photo of our son, Grey (he was three in the picture, he’s four now) was taken by his older brother Declan. The expression in that photo says a lot about the evolving relationship of the two boys — Grey does not take his younger brother / second class citizen position sitting down, as you can see in his eyes in that shot. He wants the camera, because by definition, whatever his older brother is holding is what he wants.
zchamu commented on Feb 15 12 at 4:33 pmMy kid is two and a half, and she’s been using “ACKSHUWWY” for a couple of months now. It’s hilarious and brutal at the same time.
Jake commented on Feb 15 12 at 4:49 pmgood use of the word “semaphore”
Joel Stein commented on Feb 16 12 at 12:24 amActually, you can write. Impressive.
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