Here we are, four days into Standard Time, and I’m miffed about it.

I had a whole long Andy Rooney-style rant worked up in my head about how I hate everything from the fact that people call it Daylight Savings Time (that’s the one that happens in the summer) to how I don’t get why anyone would want to have it light at 6 am, but then I realized I’m not actually angry. I’m just annoyed.

When we lived in NYC, Standard Time made me actively sad and defeated. I’d watch the sunset through the window in my office (there were seven of us in a room with a huuuuge window so we always knew what it was like outside) and feel like my life with my children was slipping away The sun would be fully down for half an hour before I’d leave the building and walk to the subway. An hour later (if there were no delays) and I’d emerge in my neighborhood in the dark so cold it felt like 2 am. I’d walk as quickly as I could to pick up the kids from their dad’s apartment, up a hill, looking at the sidewalk or the snow glinting under the streetlights. Cold, cold.

Then I’d drag my children out for the walk home and the long climb up to our fourth floor apartment and starting dinner (starting, at 7 pm) and feeling like I was never catching up, never had enough time with them, was losing their little years to my commute.

The only thing that saved me from complete depression these last two years was Candletime, a holiday I made up that goes from November 1 through Thanksgiving and makes your house feel cozy. The kids and I would light the candles and dim the lights and think a lot about what we were going to drink, and it didn’t matter that dinner was later than it should be or that they barely had enough time to do their homework, because we were snuggled there together.

This year is so different. I have no commute. I get two hours back every day that I have my children. They walk in the door and we have time to talk. We eat at a reasonable time, and have plenty of time for homework and goofing off. When we light the candles it feels warm and cozy but it’s not the only thing that makes us feel good.

Life is normal now. Dark, but normal. I’m still annoyed that it’s light when I wake up (that moment of panic that I overslept!) because being up and out in the darkness makes me feel extra-competent and like I’m getting a jump on the day. Waking up in the light makes me feel like I’m behind from the minute my alarm goes off. And I still hate the pitch dark while I’m still talking to clients. Why are we still reading email when the sun is telling us it’s time for sleep?

But the darkness isn’t my mortal enemy anymore. It’s just an annoying acquaintance I can nod politely at for six months until it’s time for Daylight Savings Time again.