Hallelujah! I was the SAHM mom for many years who carted the kiddies to everything and was there every time. However, now that I am working, the kids HATE that they aren’t constantly the focus of every bit of my life.

I don’t feel one bit bad either. It isn’t good for them to think they are the “center of my universe”, (even though they are).

My parents never went to ALL of my games, but maybe two or three in the season. I actually preferred not having them there most of the time. It made it easier for me to focus on the game.

I’m with you! My oldest played football last year and I LOATHE football. I was glad to see him get involved in a sport and I did attend every home game to cheer for him and his whole team. However, I only attended 1 of his away games, the one that was in the town closest to home. That was the only away game with a young-child-friendly park nearby where I could watch the game and his younger brother at the same time. It was the only away game that wasn’t at some ungodly early hour. And all of his games, away and home, were on Saturdays. I’m a working mom, Saturdays are catch-up days around the house…errand running, house cleaning, laundry. When the season started, I asked him how important it was to him that I attend all the games. His response? “You don’t even like football. Dad will be there. Come to the games you want to come to. I’ll tell you all about the ones you don’t make it to.” If he was ok with me not being there, I was certainly ok with it!

My kids are too young yet for this to be an issue, but your approach sounds reasonable to me! :)

In HS my son chose a sports that require travel, sometimes overnight stays and long days at multi-heat events waiting for his 10 minutes of competition (out of a 10 hour day). After 9th grade my husband and I began trading off weekends until finally I stopped going to the distant meets. I do make sure that I go to at least half of his meets. He says he is OK with it. Some of the other kids on his team go to a boarding school (his team is not organized through the public schools) and their parents never show up or participate, so I feel a bit ahead of the curve, but on the other hand there are families where everyone attends every meet (including the dog and the other kids).

What does your son think? You have four children, including two under 5, and another one on the way, a full time job etc. The reality is you have a large family and in large families kids don’t get the attention or time that one or two child families have available. That’s life, kiddo.

I consider myself lucky because out of five kids only one appears to be interested in sports, and this interest didn’t show up until 8th grade. Plus he only plays football, which means one JV and one Varsity game each week. This year, I attended every JV home game and the local away ones. Since it was very unlikely that he would play in the Varsity games, I only went to a couple of those. I think that my son understands this and he has never made me feel guilty but I have sometimes wondered if I wasn’t doing enough because so many parents seem to be so into it and go to every single game. Honestly, though, I don’t go just to support him; I love to watch him play and am disappointed when I can’t make it. If it were three games each week all year round I might not feel that way, though.

The only reason I do is because my son is an only child and his games are on the weekend. I do not see how any parent with more than one can possibly make each and every game. So …

I went to every game and loved it. I must admit I love sports, but I really loved watching my children play. It broke my heart when they finally quit playing. I actually would stay and watch them practice too. I don’t agree at all with you on this one.

My kids are too young for this to be an issue yet, but I agree with your take generally. I competed in sports almost year-round from middle school through high school (college actually, but that’s really a different story) and my parents made it to maybe half my meets and races — and that was before my younger siblings both had their own games, etc., at the same time. Sports were for me, not my parents. However, I did think it was important for them to come to big competitions at the end of the season. (And there is no way I would have allowed my parents to come to practice regularly, nor would most of my coaches have thought that was a good idea.)

In middle school, I was mostly embarrassed by my parents and preferred it if they didn’t show up. :-) Of course I wanted them to be there a few times to see me play, but not ALL the time.

I wasn’t in sports but I was in marching band in the south, where it’s a really big deal. My parents rarely went to football games in the beginning of the season, but they might go to one once we had the kinks out of the show toward the end of the season. In the 4 years of going out of state to compete in a big march of the bands competition, they attended once. I never felt like they weren’t fulfilling some sort of duty. I saw it as MY activity and not something I did for them. It was kind of nice to do something on my own. They always asked me how it went after the games and that was enough for me.

I don’t have kids yet and part of what I dread is the expectation to go to everyone one of their games, if they play sports. Thanks for this perspective! I don’t think I WOULD go to all of them and now I know I can raise them not to expect that. Even though it’s not my thing, I would still go for support…but just not to all the games!

My guy is two, but even if he gets into sports as he gets older, I won’t be going to every single game. I played rugby in high school, and my parents rarely went to my games. My mother almost never went, even though she didn’t work on weekends. My dad would go when he wasn’t gone on an out of town trip, especially when I had an all day out of area tournament.

Frankly, I preferred when they weren’t there. I didn’t have to be on such good behavior. I wasn’t a bad kid, but I could talk to my teammates more freely and not have to relive the humiliation on the ride home if I messed up on the field. And you’re right, it taught me to be responsible for my own equipment and coordinating rides and budgeting money if we went out to eat after a game.

All 3 of my kids are still young and in elementary school… twin 3rd graders and a Kindergartener. Like you said, I feel like we need to be there and we want to be there. It’s hard to imagine what it will be like, what their needs and what our needs will be in the next 5 years.

But I couldn’t help but think back to my OWN childhood. That’s where my mind went first when reading your post. My parents weren’t there. My perspective is that they weren’t ever there. As a grown adult I still don’t feel like they are “there for me”. I think I would have understood it if they couldn’t come *all* the time. But I didn’t (and still don’t) understand how they couldn’t ever come.

Nothing has changed; they are doing the same to my kids. My mom talks like she “wants” to come. But she ALWAYS has an excuse and something else always takes priority. On the very rare occasion that they have come, it’s always the very last game of the season and it has always involved some level of drama. As a general rule, I’ve stopped offering our schedules to her.

However, I did extend an invite to our family to watch their granddaughter/nieces/cousins swim at a recent swim meet. The meet was held in their hometown at my alma mater. Very accessible to all of them. I didn’t expect anyone to be there throughout the entire (7hr) meet. But the least they could do was to stop by for a small portion of that. Neither of my parents showed up for any duration of the 7 hour event. I don’t get it.

I’d wonder what your E’s perspective is. As long as you both are on the same page, it’s all good.

My husband and I have already discussed that we plan to be at every event (game, performance, show, competition, meet, whatever) our kids participate in, but with the caveat that there only has to be one parent present, and not the sibling if he/she doesn’t want to go. Our kidsare 2 and 4 now, fwiw. I’m with @Angie — I will need to be there in case of accidents or injuries.

I think the parameters should be much different in larger families, though — we only have 2 kids, so it will be workable for us, but I can see how it would be impossible for bigger families to be at everything.

Neither of my children (14 and almost 9) has ever played school sports, so I don’t know how that works. If a parent doesn’t take E to the game, how does he get there? Are the games right after school?

My son loves soccer, and plays in the city recreation league about 6 months out of the year. One of us is at every game, because someone has to take him and bring him home. It has nothing to with being a “good” or “bad” parent – the kid can’t get to the game on his own.

Or is the question only whether you, specifically, should be at every game? Of course not – he has a father.

I’ve already told him if he ever plays soccer in middle school/high school, where he has to travel to games, he can forget us coming to every one. If he doesn’t like that, he can drop out of soccer.

When I was a kid, my parents would make it to some of my games. Once in a while my dad would coach one of my teams. Once he came out to my college game (Division 3 soccer) in Ohio. I remember being happy when they would attend but didn’t expect it every time because of family logistics.

I tend to go to my kids games because I either help coach or enjoy watching them. I only have two kids so usually we can do a one parent per kid thing. But if not, they will live.

I have a friend who would attend quite a few of her daughter’s Div. 1 soccer games in North Carolina (from NJ) and she didn’t even start. I thought that was a bit much!

Amen!
I do attend every parent/teacher conference and school functions, but sports -as the garden and the garbage- are dad’s duties. I hate to stand in the cold watching football…and my kids know it (they are 13 and 15). The other parents comment on it, but I have talked about it with my kids. I do drive them back and forth practice, but I rarely watch them play. They count on me for all other indoors activities….they have my unconditional love, but they will have to do without my cheerleading!

I seem to recall my parents being at every game. I think I would be very disappointed if they didn’t come, but then again, even though there were 4 kids in my family, 3 of us were very close in age (my sister and I were even on the same soccer team) and none of us was terribly athletic so I think the expectations were minimum.

I have a 5 year old and a 2 year old and we experienced our first season of soccer with our 5 year old and I already didn’t make it to 2 games (though at that age obviously, my husband was in attendance), so I get where you are coming from. I don’t see how these other moms do it, but I hope that my children’s expectations are set such that they will not be disappointed if we are not there.

You are my favorite person right now–thank you for blogging about this. I do not go to every one of my son’s games. When I do go, the mom’s that are there all the time and give me the sideways looks that say, “Finally she shows up,” do nothing but chitchat and gossip. When I go I am there 100%, when I don’t go, I ask lots of questions, they inform me of the highlights. And— once in middle school and high school, they like it when I am not there all of the time so they can flirt with the girls without me asking, “Who’s that, does she get good grades, do you like her.”

SO many parents are “there” because supervision is needed. Supervision before or after. Yes, a coach (or coaching staff) is in charge during the event but kids needed a ride there, kids need a ride home and parents need to know who their kids are visiting with before and after. Parents must be present for many reasons. I have been to many athletic events when a child is injured and the parents must step in. The coach can not walk off from the game and supervise. Many parents are “always there” for other reasons then just supporting their child’s self-esteem? All parents don’t need to be there all the time but if all the parents came infrequently that would be a problem too!

We have 2 adult kids, one boy, one girl, 4 years apart. Both played sports from the age of 4 all the way through college (scholarships for baseball/softball). We did not miss one game until they were in college and that was only because we couldn’t make it to a game half the country away on their road trips. How we managed it is beyond me now, but we did it and we loved it. We both worked full-time, too. Our son played 4 sports and daughter two until they went off to college and just played the one. We did the travel stuff in the summer, husband with one kid, me with another.

I can tell you that are kids just learned to expect us to be there. I cannot think of one game that they didn’t scan the crowd to make sure that we were. Yes, it was nuts. Yes, it was all-consuming. But, this is what they loved to do and we loved every moment of it, too. The travel in the summer was especially wonderful for my daughter and I…..the two of us, yakking in the car, brought us closer and saved us in those rough moments in regular life.

I will say that it wasn’t all about the actual playing of the sport that made me want to be there. The moments I remember are the tears and the disappointments and how they handled it, the joy they experienced when they were on the top of their game, their interactions with the other players. We loved the comraderie of the other parents and got to know and enjoy the other kids on the team. We were there to console, chide, rub a sore back, clap and cheer and sometimes even scold – right as it happened, not later when it was over and done with.

I would not take back one cent of the money we spent running all over the country, and I would not trade one moment of those times supper went cold or the windows didn’t get caulked. Those times are over too soon and you cannot get it back. However, the bleacher butt remains. Ha.

I’d say if you are being noticed that you aren’t there, you need to talk with E and just find out what he would really like and you compromise. You have a lot on your plate, a large family, and you are pregnant (yay). All that does make a difference.

I absolutely LOVE watching every game they play, I really do. Maybe it’s my competitive spirit? I’d be at every game if I could (and usually am). My husband is more your style. Different strokes for different folks.

Sports bore me and the kids’ dad was involved. So I probably say I showed up at 20% when they were little. That’s a generous guess. I don’t really do sports.

But now that they are in high school, we’re on the count-down, and suddenly I’m regretting that paltry 20%. They’ll be gone in a wink, so this year I was at every single race, cross-country meet, swim meet, and any basket ball game I could make, and this is how it will be until they’re both in college. (snif!)

Maybe J is worried and protective over E. Just an idea. Maybe it is her way of saying that she wants you to attend her things as well…or maybe it isn’t.

So I had 4 kids in 5 1/2 years who were all involved in various sports, music, dance, etc…and I have to say either their dad and/or I was at about 95% of everything- and I made all of the other siblings tag along (in part because they were too young to leave them alone) I was a SAHM and felt and still feel like that was part of my job- not because out outside pressures but because that’s what I chose to do and wanted to do.We had many meals/homework sessions in the back of the minivan and frequent complaining from the other siblings- but everyone had their turn to be watched. I think it’s sad that as parents, we even have to have this discussion- do what you want as a parent and what works best for your own family- who cares what anyone else thinks?

I really wish moms (and parents in general) would get off their high horses and stop judging each other so easily. I played sports in high-school and my very supportive parents came to many games. However, they also taught me about maintaining a healthy balance in my life by having their own hobbies take precedence occasionally. I respected them for it.
Plus, in my experience, you can make every game and still be a really bad parent!

I plan on attending at least 90% of my children’s games and activities. I have 3 kids and my husband and I both work full time.
When my father passed away last year of cancer, I kept thinking back to my childhood and yep that’s the one thing that I remember the most, my father on the sidelines. My mother not so much.

It has always felt more important to me to attend games of my middle schoolers and high schoolers. When my kids were small, the logistics of uniforms etc. felt to me fairly easy to give to a carpool friend. But with older kids, it really feels so much more important to me for my husband, me, or both to be THERE. Among other things, the incidental “hang-out” time is so fraught with opportunities for the negative. Our oldest kids are well into young adulthood and have told me that our presence was huge in helping them stay on track. With our youngest now 13, I’m amazed at how few parents are at their games – the ratio of kids to adults is not very good in these more loosely supervised situations, kids slipping off in small groups, coaches not charged with specifically making sure everyone is picked up by an actual parent, etc. We’ve had some really unfortunate incidents in our community of kids leaving games and activities with teen and young adult drivers and getting involved in vandalism, drinking,etc.

Two of my three sons have also made comments about how their friends are glad that “at least your parents are there” because they don’t feel their team is very supported. My kids do their best to be supportive of activities my husband and I enjoy; it feels like the right thing to do to reciprocate, especially at a time in the lives of kids when relationship and time spent with parents are in such competition with outside forces.

All that said, I don’t feel judgmental about other parents having other priorities or less flexible responsibilities. I just feel this is a good way for us and our kids. It doesn’t seem to make them feel “the center of the world” – the oldest have gone off on their own and don’t need us doting on them. It’s just that my kids have always seemed to have greater needs in their teens than they did in their toddlerhoods even thought their bodies are bigger and they can tote their own backpacks, LOL.

I freely admit it is much easier now that we are down to only having one kid with activities to attend. Before that, I found it a better fit for us to limit activities than to schedule kids for tons of activities we couldn’t really support. But understand that everyone works these things out differently and trust parents to make decisions they think will work best.