Is Cinderella eating my daughters?
Posted February 21st, 2012 at 11:27 am
Last night we went out for a raucous night of pizza and candlepin bowling with some friends. There was an extremely talented balloon animal artiste named Jungle Jim who was going table to table making balloon animals for the kids. This guy could make anything. Clio requested a ladybug, Elsa wanted a pink and purple unicorn with heart on his horn (?!), and our friends’ daughter Marlie wanted a butterfly. Done, done (?!) and done.
A little while later, a six- or seven-year-old boy from a nearby table came over to our table, brandishing his balloon creation. “I have a dragon!” he said. “What do you have?”
“I have a unicorn with a heart on its horn!” Elsa told him with her trademark enthusiasm. “And my sister has a ladybug and my friend Marlie has a butterfly!”
“Boring!” the boy said — in a very rehearsed sort of way. And retreated to his table.
Elsa told me what had transpired, even though I’d heard the whole thing. And we agreed that it wasn’t very nice of the boy to say that. I told Elsa that she could to go over and tell the boy that if she felt like it. (I guess I was feeling confrontational.)
She did, and reported back: “He said girls like girl stuff, and boys like boy stuff. And dragons are boy stuff.”
“That’s not true,” I said. “Girls can like whatever they want to like, and boys can like whatever they want to like. You like dragons. You were one for Halloween last year, remember?”
And she was almost one this past year again — she LOVED her dragon costume — until at the last minute she changed gears and wanted to be a princess instead. (Last night, in fact, she wore her princess dress to the bowling alley, complete with fairy wings and a paper crown, declaring herself “queen of the princess fairies.”)
At bedtime, “girl stuff” came up again, when I was talking about maybe trying to get or make some simple bed tents/canopies in lieu of the structurally impossible pillow and blanket forts they are constantly requesting that we make around their heads.
Elsa said she wanted princesses and hearts and unicorns on hers. Clio had initially said outer space, but quickly added “with unicorns and hearts and princesses” after Elsa described what she wanted.
I couldn’t help myself. “So, why do you guys like princesses so much?” I asked it in a neutral, non-judgmental way, I swear. At least, I tried.
Elsa’s answer was swift: “Because [Name of girl in their preschool] does.”
Argggh!!
Look, I’m not an anti-princess / girly-girl culture crusader or anything. I don’t think girls who like pink or Barbies or Disney Princesses are necessarily going to grow up to be disempowered doormats. I like to think that strong female role models (me, for one!) trump that. But I don’t want my daughters to feel like they HAVE to like or dislike certain stuff just because their female playmates do. Or because their male playmates tell them that they can’t like dragons or trucks or whatever because it’s boys’ stuff.
I fear that on some level it’s inevitable. This stuff is so deeply ingrained in our culture. And I suspect that some of it is hardwired into us as human beings. I’m just so sad about the “girls like X, boys like Y” talk that has been creeping into our home over the past few months. (And last night’s conversation wasn’t the first on the topic.)
I love that Elsa wanted tools for Christmas AND new clothes for her baby doll. I love that Clio wanted Littlest Pet Shop stuff AND a remote control robot.
And I plan to keep telling them, as often and as affirmatively as I can manage without being overbearing, that they shouldn’t worry about what’s girls’ stuff or boys’ stuff. They should enjoy an embrace THEIR stuff — whatever it may be.
But am I fighting a losing battle?
PS – As the title suggests, I just ordered Cinderella Ate My Daughter by Peggy Orenstein. Never thought I’d need it. But maybe I do.
DOUBLE TIME, my memoir of parenting twins and battling depression (among other things) is now available for pre-order!
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14 Comments
Rosstwinmom commented on Feb 21 12 at 11:53 amI feel the same battle but with boys. My twins love pink and purple and like rainbows. They in fact love to drive rainbow race cars when we pretend race around the house in an effort to annoy our downstairs neighbors. They are 4, and the boy or girl stuff talk has just started. I’m sad because, like you said, it’s cool when my boys get the Barbie Happy Meal toy and then play with it as a spaceship. (It was a round mirror/compact thing.) And that’s way more imaginative and fun than playing what you’re supposed to.
I think the answer is to just keep asking them why they like something and talk, talk, talk. They will take from it what they will.
Gena Marshall commented on Feb 21 12 at 12:29 pmWe just had this discussion last night with our twin girls! Going to bed, Izzy picked out a book because she thought her friend Colin would like it. Because he likes dinosaurs. And boys like dinosaurs and girls like pretty stuff. I corrected them, and told them I wanted to look for dinosaur bones when I was little. The twins countered by observing that I decided to be a mommy instead. (No comment about me being a full-time lawyer :\ True, I sold out multiple ways, girls!)
Guess this is an age of gender determination, and I try to let them choose for themselves, though I admit to pushing the unisex clothes, books, colors, etc. Princesses have me beat, and I concede. And try to make things interesting by reading the Brothers Grimm and scary / exciting Princess stories.
But draw the line at Barbies. Or Dora. Or those terrible Disney Fairies.
Gena Marshall commented on Feb 21 12 at 12:39 pmWe just got a comment on this last night – “boys like dinosaurs and girls like pretty things.”
Guess this is a gender determining age, although I also wonder about the effect of being raised in an all girl household. My twins are our only kids, and are both girls too. They’ve recently developed a bit of a princess obsession, but we try to steer them towards the exciting / scary / original Grimm style princesses, if that makes any difference.
And princesses still haven’t displaced pirates in their hearts. Yeah, arrggghhh!
Korinthia Klein commented on Feb 21 12 at 1:02 pmUnfortunately as complicated as this issue is with girls, I think it’s harder for boys. My son likes sparkly pink shirts and when people mistake him for a girl in public I just explain he gets hand me downs from his sisters. No one makes a big deal of it in kindergarten or at his Montessori school, but I’m bracing for potential problems in the future. My girls don’t seem to have any limits. They just like what they like and don’t care much if it’s seen as a girl thing or a boy thing. My son does as well, but he may get pressure about it that his sisters don’t face.
Donna commented on Feb 21 12 at 1:41 pmI think this is an age where they are interested in gender determination and differences. There are two boys at school who have longer hair, and they both have (the same) gender neutral name. And it caused a lot of confusion with my boys, who just couldn’t figure out if they were boys or girls. I tried to ask why it even mattered whether they were boys or girls, as the important thing is what are they like as kids, but… it REALLY mattered.
So, no advice to give but we are also grappling with this on the b/b end of the spectrum too.
jenn/hippygoth commented on Feb 21 12 at 2:11 pmso many things to say on this topic! so many things! i heartily recommend the book, by the way (i reviewed it on good reads, actually), and i think it should be required reading for my mother and mother-in-law who have not yet picked up the hint. maybe i should just buy it for them.
the boy/girl stuff is a big part of growing up, and being in school, and all that – it still gives me the heebie jeebies, though. Charlotte has just started to become hyper-aware that the toys in Target are sorted by “girl toys” and “boy toys” and that’s sort of a bummer. it is how our culture is classified, though, the boy/girl thing, and it’s important to understand expectations so you can decide to fit in them or defy them. i get that. but at the same time, it gives me the chills to hear the kids say, “i CAN’T play with that, it’s a boy/girl toy.”
i love that the kids in Charlotte’s preschool all play with the baby dolls, all play with the trains, and all dress in princess gowns, boys and the girls. and i’m a little sad that i am pretty sure that doesn’t happen in the kindergarten class.
Hayley commented on Feb 21 12 at 2:19 pmGreat post, Jane. My 8yo son was playing with my daughter’s Barbie camper the other day (she’s got a collection of dinosaurs right next to the Barbies, I swear!) I said, “hey cool camper, right?” He got so embarrassed and it was only me who saw it. “I’m not even playing with these stupid Barbie’s, Mom.” I told him that he’s allowed to play with any toys that he wants, that Barbie’s are pretend just like any other toy including all of his mini Lego figures, but my reasoning just did not fly with him.
I actually interviewed a friend of mine who tried to unsuccessfully attempt to remove Disney princess world from her daughter’s life. Uh, yeah. it didn’t go so well because every time I saw the kid, she was wearing a tiara! I agree with the others who mention Brothers’ Grimm stories – my son loves their version of Cinderella and we’ve read it multiple times.
http://femamom.com/2011/06/12/a-princess-ate-my-daughter-but-it-was-her-choice/
Zak commented on Feb 21 12 at 9:23 pmThis is my favorite princess book: The Paper Bag Princess by Robert Munsch, http://www.amazon.com/Paper-Bag-Princess-Classic-Munsch/dp/0920236162/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1329877160&sr=8-1. It has a princess you’ll respect and dragons, too.
Kate commented on Feb 21 12 at 10:55 pm“Look, I’m not an anti-princess / girly-girl culture crusader or anything.” I am. Let’s all be. Maybe if we take a stand, things will change. I have to hold that hope, anyway. I know this stuff is just going to become harder to fight the older my kids get, but I’m going to try. Princesses ARE boring. What are we actually telling our daughters when we call them princesses, or allow them to wear t-shirts that do? (Not saying you’re doing any of this, Jane. :) Role models do win out, hopefully, but that’s not to say we can’t stand up to all of the gendered bs.
Kathy commented on Feb 22 12 at 9:01 amI was just going to recommend the Paper Bag Princess but someone beat me to it. An absolute must-read!
Rachel commented on Feb 23 12 at 8:33 amIt is amazing how this seeps into preschool culture everywhere. When our 7 year started preschool and she made a friend who was a real “girly-girl.” The next thing we knew, she was insisting on wearing dresses all the time, her favorite color was pink, and it was all princesses all the time. Thankfully, she grew out of that phase and likes everything again, but she still has ingrained ideas about “boy things” and “girl things” and “boy colors” and “girl colors.” So, for example, she’ll say “My favorite color is blue, even though that’s a boy color.” Our 3 year old started preschool this year and so far has not been sucked into princess/girly girl culture. She is in a mixed age class, and all of the older kids (4-5 year olds) are boys, so there really aren’t any princess role models. That makes a difference, I think. Despite that, some gender understandings have seeped in anyway: the other day she put on her brown Toy Story shirt and proudly exclaimed “Now I am a boy!”
Cara commented on Feb 23 12 at 12:18 pmCan’t wait till my twin daughters hit this age…argh! Orenstein’s book is a great read. I agree with you that love of pink doesn’t equal future doormats, but Orenstein does raise some great points. I reviewed her book on my blog: http://twinthusiasm.com/2012/02/01/cinderella-ate-my-daughter/
Just pre-ordered your memoir – can’t wait to read!
Elisa commented on Mar 01 12 at 2:26 pmMy 4 yr old has been battling the sexes game for quite some time. Thanks to family members who insists “she loves everything pink and barbies and dolls” but I let her choose what she prefers. The big issue really is due to the fact that my partner and I are both women and my mother-in-law is afraid we’re “training” our daughter to be a lesbian by not constantly surrounding her in pink. The other day we went out to the store and Kadian wanted cotton candy but couldn’t decide on which color. Her grandma said to get pink bc its for girls. In the end she decided on blue bc its the colors of the Dallas Cowboys. I laughed at her reasoning but got an earful from my mother-in-law stating “there I go again letting her sway to the wrong side.” If my daughter wants to wear her ballerina outfit thats fine and if she wants to wear her cousins Spiderman pj’s I’m ok with that as well. Listening to her talk outloud and act out scenarios is more fun than trying to hold her down and explain she can only play with girl things. I’m raising my daughter to be an open minded, caring, strong individual. I don’t ever want her to feel she’s limited to things just because she’s a girl.
Karin commented on Mar 20 12 at 11:35 amJust thought I’d let you know that my girls were totally into the princess thing in preschool. Now they are 8 and in 2nd grade. I have been told that princesses are for little kids and they are way over them. Gotta say, I’m not missing them at all….though I do wish we’d done Disneyland while they still loved princesses.
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